InAPark Productions

My letter to Quaker Oatmeal To Go bars

2011-10-19T18:10:00.000-07:00

April 26, 2011

Dear Oatmeal to Go Bars,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 27 year old breakfast enthusiast who enjoys practicality, the color neon , and children who's hair have been fashioned into a rat tail.

Last week I was hungry. It was early morning, and I knew I wasn't going to have time to feast on a lavish breakfast before I had to leave for work. Since I had about three minutes to get out of bed, get ready and get out the door, I thought to myself, Sarah Bertrand. What's something you can press down your throat like a pelican full of shame as you drag your disheveled unshowered self to the bus stop? Oatmeal to Go Bar! I frantically ripped the unopened box of bars out of my cupboard, tore into it, and peered inside. I was confused and horrified, Quaker. Allow me to set the scene: There was one bar that was already opened! Who opened my Oatmeal to Go Bar! Was it a mouse? Was it an unsatisfied Quaker prankster? Was it YOU?! Who! Obviously I discarded the aforementioned Oatmeal To OH NO Bar, and rifled through to see if there was anymore trickery my trembling hungry fingers might discover. There was not, so I selected a granola snack, and ran out the door.

As I was skeetering to the bus stop, I tore into my Oatmeal to Go bar, and was instantly greeted with the vile taste of disappointment, anxiety, a hint of oatmeal, and virtually no cinnamin. It's almost as if the cinnamin was tipped off at what was to be in store for him if he chose to remain an ingredient in a sub par batch of madness. I don't blame him for not wanting to waste his talents.

I'd also like to thank the diligent employee or rabid animal that you employed to eliminate the frustrating, time consuming chore of unwrapping my own breakfast selection.

Sidenote: On the list of ingredients, I noticed, "tree nuts" being included. What is a tree nut? An acorn? Are these being taken away from squirrels? Because I work at a pet store, and I do not support animal neglect.

My breakfast experience was compromised, Quaker, and I would appreciate a letter of apology, a new box of Quaker Oats and Honey bars, and a letter of apology to my mother, Joan Bertrand, who purchased the normally delicious treat for me. When she asked me how my granola bars were, all I could do was inhale deeply, look up at the sun, fight back the tears, and say, I love you mom. And that's all the breakfast I need.

I thank you for your time, and look forward to a prompt response.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Red Bull

2010-11-16T18:24:00.000-08:00

November 16, 2010

Dear Red Bull,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 27 year old aspiring ventriloquist who enjoys Tylenol, excess energy, and crew neck t shirts.

I am a long time enjoyer of your delicious beverage, Red Bull. I work several jobs, and when fatigue seeps in, I say, No thank you natural reaction to sleep deprivation! I need me some sweet bull nectar! (slang term I coined for Red Bull) It is efficient, delicious, and I can only assume really healthy.

I drink so much of your mystic potion that I have decided to give back. To you! I have several presumably lucrative ideas for your new ad campaign that I would like to share with you.

My first idea involves me, as an actress. I'll be wearing a Red Bull tshirt, and yoga pants to imply that I'm active yet relaxed. Neither of these traits will be relevant to the commercial. So, in my tshirt and yoga inspired pants, I will be holding one of your beverages, and sipping it, as a fancy text appears underneath the screen, describing the many relateable stages of Red Bull. First, the sudden burst of energy. Then, the excited sense of hope that this might actually get you through your day in a positive and timely manner. Then of course, last, the inevitable stage of descent, after you've had about three and are in the midst of crashing. The world seems harsher, your emotions more vivid, and tears are barely below the surface. Then, a flashy new slogan slams across the entire television screen. Instead of "Red Bull gives you wings": "Red Bull gives you the agility of an exotic cat! *fin*

If that idea doesn't tickle your fancy, how about I, Sarah Bertrand, in a cape. A flowy one. Wearing a taupe women's pantsuit, running around, and jumping. Then, the camera pans to me. I am out of breathe, but smiling. Perspiration is dripping from my forehead, and I start speaking really rapidly, almost incomprehensibly: "Knock knock. Who's there?! Red Bull! Red Bull who?? Delicious!" That doesn't make sense. However, I find confusing people makes them ask less questions, and eventually buy what you're selling, so to speak. So try this one on: "What do Red Bull and childhood obesity have in common? Nothing! Drink Red Bull!" They will feel safe, and foolish if they haven't already boarded the "bull" train. Also, inspired that they too can behave the way I am upon ingesting Red Bull.

I have a few more, and you can pick and choose which slogans will go with which commercials:

"Red Bull: Give diabetes the thrill it seeks!"
or:
"Red Bull: Gives you confidance; when partnered with vodka! (also, mild heart palpitations.)" This particular ad will have to go with a specific commercial I've been practicing for. I am in unbelievable physical shape, and have the body of a prepubescent male gymnast, so I assume I would be an excellent summersaulter. I will perform 30 in a row. I will need a unitard, some spackle, and a tamborine to perform this.

I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to hearing from your "people" regarding my immediate addition to your company. Huzzah! For Red Bull! Sweet dreams.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My Letter to Dr. Scholl's

2010-11-02T17:12:00.001-07:00

November 3, 2010

Dear Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Superior Comfort Insoles,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 27 year old pet store employee who enjoys the idea of jogging, exotic crepes, and dancing.

I recently received a pair of your fancy magic rubber feet thingies (insoles) as a present for the relief of my ailing feet. You see, Dr. Scholl's, my feet are ill; with grief, and pain. I work a very lucrative retail job, that demands I be on my feet for several hours a day. Those several hours add up to tens of several, and before I know it, my foot pain has spiraled out of control. I'm often left limping and disoriented, exasperated and dispondant. Allow me to set the scene:

Me: Gosh, my feet are so sore!
My Manager: You never say `gosh`, but you sure do complain a lot about your foot pain Sarah Bertrand. Maybe you should take action. Serious action.
Me: Looks like a job for Dr. Scholl's!
My Manager: Why are you yelling? Where are you going? You already had your break! *end scene*

By this time, you're probably aware of where I'm going with all of this. I, Sarah Bertrand, am so enamored with your product, I have decided that I will offer you my services of being your spokesperson. I have several witty and ingenious ideas of promoting your product to a plethora of individuals, young and old, new and old, old and crabby (with foot pain), that you are going to be left speechless! Allow me to set a few of the scenes that I'm envisioning for your new commercials:

Me, dressed as a mid thirties semi professional entrepreneur: "Hi, I'm Sarah Bertrand. You may remember me from *chuckles* the every day average Joe. I'm you, if your feet hurt. And this product works." Then the camera will slowly pan out, and it will show that I'm standing in a pile of Dr. Scholl's rubber insoles. And I'll just start throwing them at the camera, insole after insole, to show the public that it's urgent they get them, and fit them into their own shoes. As urgent as my really fast throwing.

Or,

I dress up as an Olympic runner. My hair is pulled back into this really tight pony tail, and I'm wearing large hoop earrings. There's a twinkle in my eye (you can choose which one), and I'm stretching. Slowly. Suddenly, I look up. Up, up, waaay up. Into the sky. Then, it cuts to a starry sky, where the moon is big and bright. And then you see me start running across the sky, running across the moon. There could be a trail of stars behind me, but if you think that's unrealistic we could use a trail of flames. Then, at the end, when the audience is probably catching their breath, or wiping their eyes (from emotion), the camera pans to me, standing in an open field, and the caption, "Feet? What feet? Air is propelling me forward. Air, and blue gel. Across the sky, across the pain and discomfort... to satisfaction and relief." Then you could throw in your logo. *fin*

I look forward to working with you in the near future, and I sincerely thank you for creating such a magical and innovative product such as the one that resides currently in this dainty lady's size ten men's skate shoes. I have a new lease on life. I can probably do so many more things I was never able to before! Like samba or ju jitsu. Congratulations! To you!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Cool Beer

2009-10-31T17:17:00.000-07:00

October 31, 2009
Dear Cool Beer,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old Chia Pet enthusiast, who enjoys antique hourglasses, hakka style chicken, and beer labels that contain some sort of ferocious animal.

About an hour ago, I was consuming some delicious spicy hakka style chicken, with white sticky rice, stir fried vegetables, and a Cheetah Beer beverage. My girlfriend, Holly, said I should get it because of it's name, and I agreed it was humorous and the notion of broadening my beer horizons excited me. The chicken was a little too spicy for my taste, and the beer, at first, seemed mediocre. Holly said it had an aftertaste of a bag of garbage that had been set on fire, but I think she was being a tad out of line. Post consumption, I didn't think anything was awry.. until, that is, we got home.

I began pacing around my living room in a panicked, primal manner. In circles. Growling at everything and being territorial. At first, I didn't realize what I was doing could be construed as odd. However, as I sit here atop the drapes, yelling my thoughts to Holly to translate into a serious email to you, I think that there is a problem. A big problem. And the problem is called, me now being a cheetah.

I just ate a raw porkchop, and I'm running around so fast, even my cats can't catch me. Please send the antidote immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to another Spammer

2009-10-11T20:38:00.001-07:00

October 11, 2009

On Sat, 10/10/09, Lione Prez wrote:

From: Lione Prez
Subject: Dear Beloved,
To:
Received: Saturday, October 10, 2009, 9:52 AM

Dear Beloved,
I am Madam Lione Prez-a citizen of philippine,widow, and legitimate heir to the late former Minister of finance who was assassinated for been working with the ex-president Joseph .E in philippine.

I inherited a total sum of 5 million dollars my late husband, The presure from my decease husband's family for this money has compelled me to leave Manila and have the money which is concealed in a metallic trunk box is deposited with a security and finance company Burkina Faso under a secret arrangement as a family treasure.
This means that the security company does not know the content of this box that was shipped from the Philippine to Burkina Faso under a diplomatic coverage.

My purpose of asking for your assistance boil down to the fact that I don't want my late husband's family to be aware or name involve, and the deposit statement of the box authorized the company to make this box avaliable for shipment on request only to my foreignbussiness representative, though unname.

Hence I want you to contact the the security company as my bussiness partner / associate, after receiving the prove from me to enable the company release the consigment to you diplomatically, while I join you on the arrival of the box.

I have recently paid all demurrage ,storage charges and the shipment fee, all you need do is to help me contact the security company and introduce yourself as my bussiness partner / associate ,requesting the shipment of the box to your address which you will provide.

And as soon as Diplomatic shipping agent approved the shipment and tell you the arrival date of the box then I will join you to give you 15% of the money instantly before I go on with the proposed investment in your domain provided is secured and investment friendly.Please if you are interested and willing to represent me as my bussiness partner / associate kindly write me as soon as possible.

I awaits your urgent response
Best wishes
Madam Lione Prez.
***
--- On Sat, 10/10/09, Sarah Bertrand wrote:

From: Sarah Bertrand
Subject: Re: Dear Beloved,
To: prez.lione@yahoo.com.hk
Received: Saturday, October 10, 2009, 8:13 PM

this is incredible.. this is the opportunity of a lifetime! how can i begin my quest as soon as possible?
***

Confirm this mail...Sunday, October 11, 2009 6:41 AM
From: "Lione Prez" Add sender to Contacts
To: "Sarah Bertrand"
My Dear Partner,
Thanks for your email and your sincere understanding to help and do this business with me. I will be very greatful to you and expecialy to God who have directed me to choose only you in this great venture to rescue me out of the lion den to live a better life in your country, you may not understand very well why i use the word "lion den" i am going through hell right here in the Philippines and i have gone through a lot of humiliation in the hands of this wicked and heartless family of my late husband, but i strongly beleive that if you are able to help me retreive this box of money from the security company to your end which means my life will come back to normal again when i join you soonest.

You will have to help me in bringing this box of money out of the security company where the money was deposited, that is the more reason why I contacted you because I will not want our family name to be involved in this great transaction for some security reasons of my safety and the safety of my funds. All you have to do to make this transaction a true successful venture is to call the security company and give them your correct safe residential address where you want the box of money to be deliver, then they will use their diplomatic power to ship the money to your address with immediate effect. Before the box of money get to your address, I will give you the keys to open the box for you to send me some money to arrange for my travelling documents to meet up the arrival of the box at your address where the box is delivered.

Please i hope there will be utmost confidence in this transaction? as it will benefit both of us because i'm willing to offer you 15% of the money outside any of your little expenses that you may incure during cause of this transaction as long as you can assist me soonest, that is you will be entilte to 15% of the total sum as your own share of the money for your kind assistance.
I am ready to give you the security company's contact number and the documents that I used in depositing this box of money which is the certificate of deposit they gave me on the very day when I deposited the box of money with a code as family treasure, I will also to feed you with more informations and giudlines for you to discuss with the company without making any mistake .

Upon your confirmation of this email, I will send you my identity and also scan the document as file and send it to you by email attachment so that you can call the security company in Ouagadoudou Burkina Faso to give them your address where they will deliver the box immdeiately,You have to act fast to your reply of this mail so that we can conclude this business sooner.

Await for your response and your confirmation so that i will send an email letter to the company in Burkina faso to introduction you to them as my associate who is to recieve the shipment of the trunk box.
I want to know more about you,

How old are you? Are you marrined? if yes how many children do you have? What do you do for a living? and which business are we going to invest this money into?
Kindly anwser this question's so that i can forward the security company contacts information's to you and my documents in my next mail.

Awaiting to hear from you, while I look forward to meet you very soon.
Bye for now and God bless
Madam Lione Prez.
***

Dear Madam Lione Prez,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old French Immersion donut eater. We have been corresponding recently about me being your personal hero.

Thank you so much for clearing up what you meant by the term, "lion den". I was confused, and for a second I thought you were typing out this grammatically stellar email nestled comfortably in the embrace of a king of the jungle.

First off, I was a little skeptical, I have to admit, about your emails. But then I crawled into a "lion den", and thought long and hard about your foolproof plan, and deduced that you have no other choice. And if the box of money from the security company cannot be retained by you, your late husband's wife, then who better to waltz in there and acquire that box of money, but I, Sarah Bertrand! *begins the slow clap* Well done, Madam Lione Prez. Hey, know what I just realized? Your name is "Lione". Like "Lion". The den in which you currently reside.

Moving along, so let me get this straight: I call the security company, give them my address, and they send me the box of money. Then you send me the keys for the box of money. And then I deduct 15% for myself, and send you the rest of it back? This.. is.. good. Really good. I can do this. 15% is more than fair. You need the majority of the money to maintain that "lion den". You know, for lighting, and not to mention feeding those "lion". Possibly hiring entertainment, like hiring Elton John to sing them all a diddy about circles, and life.

Commence shipment immediately. I will send you my address if you can answer my riddle, so I know that you are in fact legitimate.

What is the difference between an elephant and a blue plum?

You have asked me some personal questions about myself, and I will answer those so you feel more at ease with me handling your box of money, and then sending it to your den of "lion".

My age is 26. You asked if I was "marrined". I do not know what this means. I can only assume that it is the language barrier, to this I am very understanding. I will answer this question, in terms of all the things I believe this could possibly mean.

I am not marrined. I am a human being, not a mammal such as a whale. I do not have my own "World", and I actually resent that you asked me this, if I'm being perfectly honest.

I am not, in any way, affiliated with the Seattle Mariners, although I have played baseball for many years.

I am not a steak, nor am I poultry, so I have not been marinated. Although I have had two beers tonight, while cleaning my house, and I did spill a little bit on my leg when I started writing this. I do smell a little like it still, but I did wipe it off, so you can make your own assumptions I suppose.

I have no children, because I am barren. Thank you, really, for bringing up such a sensitive subject. Well, it has not been confirmed that I am barren. However I am a homosexual, and one day a few years ago, a man stopped me on the street and told me I was going to hell, and crazily spouted off something about babies, and me not being able to have them even though it's God's will, because God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, so I can only assume that he was trying to helpfully communicate to me that I was not born with ovaries nor Fallopian tubes.

What do I do for a living? Daydream. Sometimes I read. Other times, I cry. Oh, did you mean a job? I manage my own car theft ring. It's pretty glamorous, but frowned upon in some circles, so you're going to have to keep this one between you, I, and all those "lion".

Also, we will be investing the money in "lion", and things related to "lion". Like, safaris.

I will not sleep until I hear from you again, Ms. Lionpants. Here here! Your late husband will have his vengeance! Oh, wait. Is he "wicked" like his family? Are we mad at him too?

Lion!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

My letter to the AGO

2009-09-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

September 22, 2009

Dear Art Gallery of Ontario,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a vengeful, passionate, 26 year old woman who is somehow associated with an artist, and this is my tale of woe.

On September 19th, 2009, I was forced against my will to venture to your establishment, because my girlfriend has just started her first semester in art school, and wanted to be accompanied. Since I support her work, I decided I would put on my fancy hat and good t shirt, and venture out for some culture.

I have one question, one suggestion, and one comment. I shall begin with the "suggestion".

There was one painting, up, up, waaay up on the fifth floor (we could not locate the elevator, so we walked up the spiraling staircase of death.. I had to use my inhaler immediately after), and it was brown. Not my inhaler, the painting. A light brown. That was it. It was about the size my cat, Sunshine, if he was standing up and had his arms outstretched. He is orange, and very furry. He also is blind in one eye. It was a rather tawdry shade of brown, and there was no pattern, no picture, literally nothing on the canvas except the shade brown. It was called, "Untitled". Well, duh! That would be the *obvious* choice to call it. I, however, have contrived several more imaginative ideas for what this "piece of art" should be called. "Bark". Or, "Chocolate". Or, "Brunette". Or, "Autumn". These are just a few working ideas to jazz things up a little bit. I also thought it would be quite interesting to catch people off guard, and give them something they wouldn't expect. Like, "Shazaam! Brown!" Or, "Whoooaaaaa!" Or, "Peanut Brittle." I don't mind if you use any of the ideas. In fact, I would be very flattered. I would, however, have to insist that my name be accredited, and a wing of your building to be named after myself: Sarah C Bertrand.

Now, the comment. On the first floor, there was one larger scale photograph that took up a small wall. It was framed, and looked like someone took a picture of various items in their house, and got it developed at their local Wal Mart, or Sooters. Is Sooters still around? It was a picture of an empty pack of Belmont's brand cigarettes, an almost empty glass of what looked like Coca Cola, concealer, eyeshadow, and a few nick nacks. My friend, Kevin Tramov (who also went with us that day), exclaimed loudly and abruptly, "This looks like my make up counter!" It did, AGO, look like his makeup counter. What constitutes art nowadays? It just seemed to be random objects in a polaroid taken out of focus. Was there a hidden meaning I didn't comprehend? Or, is this is newest art fad that's going to be taking over? Because, in that case, I have several pictures I'd like to send you, and have immediately displayed. There was a brief period I was experimenting with piles. I would wait until my cat, Mr. Bojangles, was sleeping, and then I would pile as many things as I could on him until he woke up and started to squirm, and I would take a picture. Books, blankets, socks, cds, pens, a Lean Cuisine one time. I'd never hurt him, but the pictures turned out pretty inspiring. I also have pictures of my brother wearing my bathing suit when he was younger, a really great one of my mother dressed up as a cowboy a few Halloweens ago, trotting around my room, and I even have a very endearing picture of my other cat, Ned, in laundry basket. He's looking up at me, pleading with his eyes, "I'm not dirty mom! Don't put me in with the wash!" And I didn't. But it's still a great picture. Regardless, my comment is this: I don't understand it, so I fear it. You should make exhibits that are less confusing, and thus less scary.

Speaking of scary, here comes my question. As soon as you walk into the AGO, and after you've paid your fee (a fee which I will be demanding back in a few short paragraphs), there is a large room with a large exhibit. Although I do consider myself an artist at sandwich making, I am not in fact an actual, conventional artist. So, from a non artistic point of view (unless we're discussing sandwiches), what I saw not only confused me, but horrified me. There was a massive mirrored dwelling. Some of the glass was cracked, and it was two storeys high. On top there were several budgies that had visited the taxidermist, as well as a mannequin that had the body of an angry businessman, and the head of a giant bird with pubic hair glued to its face. There were several dildos on display, some bedazzled with leather, and odd viney things that looked as though they were haunted. There was also another birdman, who looked like he was late for an appointment, and thus wanted to kill someone. I don't know why he was so mad. I don't know why the words, "scrotum" and "tongue" were scratched in the trees that surrounded the whole display. I actually don't understand, even a little bit, what any of it meant. I even tried to think like a pretentious jerk, and think about it in terms of "society", and I *still* don't get it.

My question to you, AGO, is how quickly will it take me to get back my $18 sent back to me before I implement an artistic protest outside your building, involving interpretive dance, picture taking, some melting ice (like that other presentation upstairs that made even less sense), and perhaps showing of artistic emotion. Like tears. Or passion. I look forward to my $18 immediately, as well as an apology. For the world to see. Post haste.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Milton Bradley

2009-09-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

September 21, 2009

Dear Milton Bradley,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old-stay- at- home nanny who enjoys butterscotch pudding, Paddington Bear, and references to the color teal.

A few days ago, I made the mistake of feeling nostalgic. A mistake that I will regret for the rest of my days. I was working at the time, and had what Oprah would call an "A Ha!" moment. I thought to myself, "Sarah Bertrand," I thought. "Remember when your life had meaning?" And then I thought to myself, "Nope." And then I thought to myself, "'Guess Who?' was a really good board game." And then I deduced that on my break I should mission to Wal Mart and see if they carried said game. It reminded me of my childhood, and I missed my childhood. I'm so mature right now, I can't even remember what it felt like to be a child.

So when 1:00pm came, I scuttled my way out of the store, punching wildly and invading the customer's space, while I tried to maneuver the quickest route out of there. I absconded my way through the mall, directly into Wal Mart, and scampered off to the nostalgic treasure section.

Mr. Bradley, would you like to "Guess Who?" I found?? Well sir, it's not a "who", but a "what". The game, "Guess Who!" Obviously I snatched it off the shelf, and impressively tore my way over to the cash register, and then out into the mall, and back to my place of work. I couldn't wait to get this baby home, and reacquaint myself with all those familiar faces. I missed Charles the most. He reminded me of my Uncle Pat.

Milty.. can I address you as such? Well Milty, without going into too much detail, upon opening the package of the game and discovering it's disappointing contents, I decided that a letter is in order. Not only were the various pieces so shoddily constructed that it was virtually impossible to keep the game together and functioning without cards falling out, or hinges dislocating themselves (plus a missing score keeping piece, but by that time I was so over it that I didn't deem that a priority), but the FACES.. the faces. I have written a meticulous account of every single NEW (not appeasing my sense of nostalgia at all.. i didn't recognize anybody!) mugs, what I assumed their positions in life would be, and how they made me feel.

Danial (spelt really oddly): A creepy bus driver. The kind that leers after little boys, and yells at little girls. Also, I believe he probably listens to Enya, and punches walls.

Chris: A deadbeat, unambitious, elementary school dropout who still gets an allowance, and spends it on tiny action figures, and then proceeds to melt them.

Emily: She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire. And although I really liked that movie, and have a fondness for drag queens, she looks like the version of Mrs. Doubtfire that would probably be a sociopathic thief. She also looks like she has several cats with various maladies that range in severity, and I believe I'm safe in assuming that all these felines have names that start with either "Mr." or "Mrs." Is this a safe assumption, Milty?

Kyle: Looks like he attempted to start his own boy band, and failed.. because he's 37. He also looks like he's obsessed with his past, and regrets letting his mom deter him from being a professional baseball player.

Nick: An inadequate, impotent science teacher. The pervy one you hated in high school.

Ashley: Looks like the snobby jerk who's from the ghetto but tries to act exotic with a beret and flashy costume jewelry. She also looks like she lacks respect for herself and has misplaced her morals. She undoubtedly uses a fake accent, however, I cannot decide which type of accent I feel as though she uses.

David: Looks like he's stumbled into non Mennonite territory by accident, and is terrified. The only thing that seemingly calms him down are birds living in his beard, singing him a sweet melody.

Zachary: High strung and strung out virgin. Loves pastrami, and has a diaper fetish. He also looks constipated. Is he, Milton Bradley?

Matt: Poor Matt. I mean, it's not his fault that his wife cheated on him. With another woman. Ashley, to be more precise (the aforementioned Harlot). I'm fairly certain that Matt is Benjamin Button. I am more certain that he sits down to pee.

Alex: Overweight underachiever.

Jake: Huzzah! A homosexual magician! Probably with a sassy catchphrase. He loves bananas, and refers to himself as a Hulkamaniac.

Rachel: Pillpopper.

Sarah: Great name, struggling actress. In the meantime, she's a self hating librarian, and screams into her mirror at night.

Connor: Played too much Super Mario as a kid, and is searching for his life partner, Luigi.

Brandon: Running from obesity for his whole life, and doesn't trust himself.

William: "Surf's up!" This freeloading hippy liar makes me feel anxious and disappointed.

Jon: Preteen serial killer.

Joshua: Hey, is that Joshua? Yes. And he'll kill you. He also has a sexual fetish, with sauces.

James: I believe that James is actually a chocolate covered almond that was placed in this game by accident. A goatee was then thrown on as a lackluster apology. No one's head looks like that.

Joseph: Tranny riddled with anxiety.

Andy: Hey, do you like tax evasions? No? Andy does.

Tyler: Tyler's touching Kyle as I type.

Justin: Wears a stained wife beater, eats ketchup sandwiches, and beats his wife. He has given up on himself, and doesn't deserve the exposure.. just leave him alone.

Last, but not least..

Megan: Her indiscretions got her a great job. I can't be mad at that.

Well Mr. Bradley, my disappointment is unmistakeable, and completely founded, but I am sure that you have already come to that conclusion on your own. I expect a full refund of $18.96 plus applicable taxes, and every single current "Guess Who?" game to be taken off of store shelves, everywhere. I expect a new game constructed this instant, with the use of all of the old characters, and two new ones: Sarah Bertrand, and my grey domestic cat, Ned. I'll send pictures to aid the process. Ned is very fluffy. It's very important to me that this aspect of him is captured.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to a response immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***

Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 5:43 AM
From: This sender is DomainKeys verified"Hasbro Consumer Affairs"
Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Recently you submitted a question to our Consumer Affairs team. Below is a summary of your question and our response.

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

If your issue remains unresolved, please update this question here.

Subject
Guess Who board game

Discussion Thread
Response (Kerry Vaux) 09/23/2009 08:43 AM
Hi Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Hasbro, Inc.

We are very sorry to hear that you were not satisfied with your Guess Who game and can fully appreciate the disappointment caused. We pride ourselves on ensuring that our products are of the highest quality and we are concerned to learn that this game was unsatisfactory.

We will be happy to send a postage paid mailing label to assist you in returning the game to us along with your receipt. . Once we have received your game and receipt, and a refund will be issued to you less the tax.

Please be advised that we cannot accept responsibility for uninsured, lost or misdirected mail. To facilitate the process, please include a brief note explaining the problem with the product, along with your return address and phone number.

Sarah, we appreciate having the opportunity to assist you. We hope you and your family will enjoy our products for many years to come.
***
re: Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 6:28 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details
To: "Hasbro Consumer Affairs"

Dear Milton Bradley, or Kerry Vaux- Bradley,

Huzzah! Such a prompt and diplomatic response! "Guess Who?"!! It's Sarah Bertrand! Did you enjoy my approach? Did I make you giggle? Even a little bit? I hope so. I appreciate your offer to refund my hard earned money, however I have misplaced the receipt. I had it on the computer table for two weeks, and my girlfriend did a "big clean", and then it went missing. I'm not blaming her for it being gone (I already told her that), but I am saying that it was definately there before she cleaned, and now it's not. Perhaps I should get a decorative container for my receipts. Or a file folder. There wouldn't be very many receipts in it though, so maybe just a sandwich bag. Like a ziploc. I'll have to remember to pick some up.

Alas, I am getting off track. I'm saddened and perplexed as to why my simple request at the personalized "Guess Who?" game could not come into fruitation.. I had already told my family (extended as well) that I had made myself into an overnight success, and they should expect very impressive and prestigious early Christmas presents. I assumed the game would be on the shelves by early next week. There is already a huge demand for this product. I just don't understand, Milton Bradley. You have disappointed a lot of Bertrands. Not to mention friends of Bertrand's.

I guess, since I don't have a receipt anymore, the only logical thing to do would be to go out, and re-purchase another "Guess Who?" sub par board game from Wal Mart. Maybe they'll have jacked up the price this time, so I'll get even more money back from you guys. God I'm so smart!! Maybe I'll quit my job and make a living getting refunds for products I've purchased. I'd better go now and try and figure out how to patent my idea. Thanks for being so accommodating and nice.

Toodles!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Red Lobster

2009-09-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

September 4, 2009
Dear Red Lobster,

Salutations! My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old crustacean lover, who enjoys garlic butter, seamen, and watching food I'm about to consume in it's last afflicted moments of life.

I just finished grazing upon a scrumptious meal at your Yonge and John location, and I am stuffed! I enjoyed a medley of flavours, namely seafood, mashed potatoes, and one and a half buns. It was like Jesus himself had punched me in the mouth with a hug. And garlic shrimp.

I wanted to congratulate you on the impeccable positioning of your live lobsters (right smack dab as soon as you enter the establishment.) It's such a great idea. I always find myself saying, after fine dining, "God, that chicken was so tasty. I just wish I got to see an overzealous morbid display before I ate it. For example, a gaggle of rabid hens tearing through the restaurant in all their glory, feathers flying, skittering over my feet so I can truly see their personalities, thus being able to determine which fowl to devour."

I shall immediately begin a crusade in restaurants across Canada, to implement mandatory animal showcasing before ingesting. Not being able to see my dinner before feasting is just tacky.

You are delicious, Mr. Lobster. Thank you, and goodnight.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Dini Petty

2009-08-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

August 23, 2009

Dear Dini Petty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure hunter who enjoys costume jewelry, couscous, and bargains. Recently I was on a treasure hunting expedition at a local secondhand book store, when I came across a novel that struck my fancy. It was entitled, "In Her Shoes", by Jennifer Weiner. There was a movie made about this particular book (of the same name), starring Toni Collette and Cameron Diaz. This, Mrs. Petty, is neither here nor there.

As you can imagine, I snatched the book up, skedaddled over to the counter, and flung it down in a fit of panic and validation, much to the surprise of the cashier. I was a sweaty, euphoric mess. With tears streaming down my face, I purchased that novel, with a filthy wadded up five dollar bill. As I gleefully skipped out of the store with my brand new secondhand sensational find, I didn't think there was anything else in the world that could have happened to me (that day) to equal the level of elation that I was experiencing through the discovery of Mrs. (or Ms.) Weiner's piece.

That, Dini Petty, was an erroneous statement that I had made privately in my head, if there ever was one. Because as I opened the book for the first time, what fell out is something so unbelievable, I am still in a state of shock. What fell out of that book, Dini Petty, was... your signature. On a BBS cardboard autograph card. With your picture. That you had written on. Foolishly used as a bookmark.

THE LUCK!!!

Not only did I lack a bookmark altogether (before I had bought this book), but I had also lacked any sort of Dini Petty memorabilia in my house! Until now! I was awestruck. Exhilarated. Pleased as punch. Frenzied even, for good fortune had punched me in the face with something tangible that you had penned.

Thank you Dini Petty. Thank you for your talk show, and thank you for existing. You covered groundbreaking issues, and had on incredible musicians, such as The Moffatts and Shania Twain. Also, remember when Julian Lennon was slamming Yoko Ono on your show? That was a little awkward. But you handled it like a seasoned professional.

I am allowing my excitement to sidetrack me; for this I apologize. The reason for this letter is one tinged with a selfish motive. I have a favour to ask of you, Dini Petty. Although this autograph card now sits framed on my night table, and my level of appreciation towards you is so intense I should be ashamed of myself.. unfortunately I think that I could appreciate it that much more if it was personally autographed. To me. Like you wanted me to have it. Sarah Bertrand, 25 year old daydreamer and nostalgic talk show enthusiast. I would be honoured to proudly display your name and photo, along with my name somewhere on the photo, and a witty and inspirational inscription. Something along the lines of people like me (or me personally), being the reason that you got into the industry in the first place, and to keep reaching for the stars because you can already tell that I'm going to make it in whichever endeavours I choose to pursue. I have a really great frame already waiting for it.. it's shiny and black and 8 by 10.

I thank you again Dini Petty, for your secret selfless quest to make sure that a simple girl with big dreams such as myself, had a really good day. I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Softpedia, makers of The Noodle Eater's Hair Guard

2009-06-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

June 21, 2009
Dear Softpedia,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old woman who enjoys spackle, semi professional photography, and trading recipes.

I recently came across your ingenious invention, The Noodle Eater's Hair Guard, and immediately began preparing a package of Mr. Noodle for consumption. I haven't even received my Noodle Eater's Hair Guard in the mail yet, so you can ascertain my level of excitement! Huzzah! Finally, a reason to start eating carbs again!!

You, Softpedia, would not believe the amount of money I have been needlessly dispensing on hair ties, barrettes, clips, and the like. Imagine me, a sophisticated important business woman, getting an expensive haircut or style (to be worn down), and having to go to an important elegant dinner where pasta is being served. Put my hair in a ponytail?? NO THANKS! Why, I'd rather strap a doily to my face and eat with class. No more pesky strands of hair threatening the deliciousness of my meal.

Softpedia, you have given me, and many others like myself, a new lease on life. Now meal time won't be such a stressful event. Instead of dining hour consisting of me eating popsicles while lying on my back (because really, that's the safest route to go when you don't want to be hassled with pulling your hair back into a ponytail), now I can pretty much smash whatever I want into my face, free of embarassment!

Two questions: does it come in any color other than salmon? Also, will it work for red meat, exotic fruits, and Jello?

Thank you, Softpedia. I look forward to my exciting mealtime apparatus making it's way onto my delicate face. Until then, I shall famine.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

http://barfblog.foodsafety.ksu.edu/2009/01/articles/food-safety-communication/katie-filion-fashion-meets-function-with-the-noodle-eaters-hair-guard/

My letter to Comfort Wipe

2009-06-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

***PLEASE WATCH http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM FIRST***

June 19, 2009
Dear Comfort Wipe,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old interpretive dancer who enjoys reminiscing about '80's trends, building modest towers out of Jello cubes, and maintaining her self respect.

By the grace of God, I recently came across your commercial for "Comfort Wipe" on youtube, and was struck with the urge to contact you immediately. As the one minute and forty seconds slowly ticked by on your outstanding advertisement chronicling how regular toilet paper wiping is so "last year", your solution that the only logical solution would be to attach some to a acrylic stick contoured to what you would assume someone's rear is shaped as was nothing short of brilliant. I was left with a taste in my mouth I cannot describe. Wait.. I'll try. That taste was shock. Nay, shock mixed with confusion, and relief.

As you state in your commercial, for "over one hundred years, we have been scrunching and folding toilet paper." I thought that I was the only person in existence that is tired of suffering with painstaking conventional ways to wipe myself. How is a lady such as myself supposed to function normally, knowing that every time she has to go to the bathroom, the sheer panic that grips her bladder at the thought of what to do with the toilet paper, just isn't worth it in the end. Sometimes, I would rather soil myself than have to worry about proper paper protocol. The anxiety attacks that derive from the unreasonable folding, bunching tissue debacles inevitably leaves me feeling depressed, and dysfunctional.

Heck, I've tried several things to make the process go by more smoothly, but nothing works. Origami toilet paper animals, decorative tissue paper normally used to embellish small to medium sized presents, I've even thought about constructing some sort of complicated contraption (possibly with a motor), to ease the process, but so far I only have blueprints.
The only thing that makes "Comfort Wipe" more appealing is the reasonable price of $19.99 plus applicable taxes. I know you guys say it's a $40 value, but I truly believe that you have lowballed yourselves.

"Place tissue and use, press and release soiled tissue, and toss!" It's as easy as one, two, weird! I have ordered a "Comfort Wipe", and refuse to use toilet paper in any other fashion until I receive it in the mail.
Thank you, people at "Comfort Wipe". You are the truly the unsung heroes of today.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Laura Secord

2009-04-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

April 13, 2009
Dear Laura Secord,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old sugar enthusiast, who has a zest for life; as well as post holiday sales.

First of all, thank you so much for running across those fields to tell those guys about the war, like you did in that commercial. You are brave, and make delicious treats.

Secondly, I am writing to inform you of a forlorn and devastating situation that occured today with myself, as well as my manager, Sarah Butt (no relation). I have just taken a break from consoling her, but I do not know how long I have before she resumes her catastrophic downward spiral into the hopeless void of depression.

Allow me to explain.

She is unable to cease sobbing hysterically, nor will she stop smashing the heads off of any chocolate rabbits, chicks, roosters, or any other defenseless animal she can get her disappointed digits on.

Today we raced to your store at the Scarborough Town Centre location. We were salivating with glee at the thought of decadent treasures being stuffed into our delicate mouths. Alas, our dreams were dashed, and our hearts were shattered into 17 pieces, as a woman (she resembled a "Babs" or "Sheila") thrust her negative cloud of moodiness and despair onto us.

Sarah Butt was so overwhelmed with elation this morning as she tumbled out of bed, excited to see what the Easter Bunny had left behind for her. At your store. However, as we entered your chocolate haven, and were greeted by Sheila, Sarah excitedly screamed at her that you, Laura Secord, were the first thought on her mind this morning. You, your store, and your annual post Easter holiday Peter Rabbit treat sale. Babs then spat at her, with a degrading and judgemental tone, "That's sad. Really sad." My friend felt, dejected, bamboozled, and overwhelmed with humiliation.

Now Laura. I haven't even told you about the woman who unnecessarily bought every single one of your chocolate marshmallow treats , or the gentlemen who was silently judging us from behind the counter as we pranced excitedly from one display to another. We could get over that stuff. But this.. this is where we had to draw the line. We are simply not okay with what you've taught your employees an acceptable level of customer service should consist of. You were supposed to be a legend. Now, you've just conceded to sub par, inappropriate business behaviour, and you've made a mockery of everything you formerly stood for. Bravery, and chocolate.

I had to drag Sarah out of your store by the collar of her shirt, as she stood there spinning, throwing her arms in the air, and chanting, "Why is this happening to me??" I sincerely hope this matter can be corrected immediately. I will assume you will be sending us the items in your fall catalogue.. we don't enjoy anything with a fruity cream filling. I will also assume Babs will be dealt with accordingly; I would deem dressing her in a festive unitard and parading her through the mall necessary.

Thank you for your time, and the $18 worth of chocolate that Sarah ended up buying anyway in the end. It was delicious. Also, I did a project on you in elementary school. I got in trouble from my teacher when I told her I never understood why you were so strongly linked to chocolate. Could you please email Mrs. McKercher and explain the connection to her, while asserting that she was out of line in her discipline?

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Simple Plan

2009-03-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

March 22, 2009
Dear member of French Canadian "pop punk" band Simple Plan,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure troll enthusiast who enjoys listening to music being sung in a manner that is appropriate to the musicians ages, taking online surveys with the promise of a possible cash prize at the end, and oregano.

Let me set the scene for you, Simple Plan. I was at my desk at work, searching for recipes that I can use tonight that involve a crock pot that my mother bequeathed upon me for Christmas. She keeps asking me how it works and I say, "Great!" and then she asks me, "Does the dial have minutes on it? Or settings for heat? Or have you taken it out of the box yet? What color is it, Sarah Bertrand?" and then I hang up the phone. I suppose if I make her a pot roast, maybe that will alleviate some of her disappointment. I decided to try and find new music to upload onto my pink I-Pod Nano, and that is when, Simple Plan, I came across your latest song, "Save You." At least I think it's your newest song. It literally sounds exactly like anything I've ever heard you put out in the past; self indulgent "teenage" angst where you can literally *hear* the amount of eyeliner you're wearing in your voice.

I don't want to start rumours, but I heard when you released, "I'm Just A Kid", your band's ages ranged from 36-53. I have realized something groundbreaking that I need to share with you. Simple Plan is eerily reminiscient of Beverly Hills, 90210. I will explain.

You see, in Beverly Hills 90210, pre marriage consummation is a rampant theme throughout each season. This promotes the feeble and vulnerable youth not only to not respect themselves, but glorifies irresponsibility and a false sense of immunity against consequences.

Simple Plan promotes irresponsibility in their videos, more specifically, in "Perfect". You were all whining your sorrows about acceptance and possibly an increase in your allowance (I didn't quit catch the end of the video) into the unforgiving night air (again with heavy, heavy eye makeup). You all are performing your bubblegum pop power ballad on the rooftop of a house that clearly has a shaky foundation. How many lawsuits has this video resulted in, Simple Plan? Irresponsibility, immunity against obvious impending doom, as well as you all had to have acknowledged your newfound lack of dignity after you realized the dramatic, intense eye makeup you allowed your stylists to cake onto your misunderstood emo eyelids. So much make up. Honestly.

I guess it could probably go without saying (but I will say it) that Luke Perry was in his late twenties when he was playing the role of a rebellious teen on the cast of 90210. You guys keep releasing variations of a song you once wrote about being melacholy, dejected and being a teenager, oh ya and something about eyeliner. Let's keep it real, Simple Plan: you are not a teenager. I respect that you're catering to your only fan base.. the fan base of children that like to think they're hardcore for liking "rock" music, so they boast of being fans of Good Charlotte, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, however this needs to stop. Perhaps hook up with an adult contemporary producer, purchase some sweater vests, and contact MuchMore Music. You know that feeling when you're sitting cross legged for too long, and you try to stand up but your leg hurts so bad, like pins and needles, so you start shaking it and smacking it, and it hurts but you'll do whatever you can to make that numb feeling go away, and actually be able to "feel" again? Well that's what I experience when I accidentally catch one of your lackluster diddy on the radio. Only instead of my leg being numb, it's my heart, Simple Plan. My heart.

I hope these suggestions and critiques were not too harsh. Take them with a grain of salt, and a cotton make up pad dab of the eye region, but with the legitimacy of a girl with a chip on her shoulder, and somewhat honorable intentions.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to The Skinny Switch

2009-02-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

February 28, 2009
Dear Rob Nevins,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old defeatist who enjoys low impact aerobics, slowly (and sometimes rapidly) eating a delicious homemade paste consisting of kernels of corn, mayonnaise, and maple syrup, and being basically inactive in my own filth.

I was vacationing in sunny Aruba last week, and was basically bed ridden for the entire duration of my stay. (I got a nasty sunburn on my right wrist.. I don't want to talk about it!) I spent the majority of my time wrapped in a towel in bed, weeping, taking advantage of the free bar service, and cursing my bad luck (the wrist burn). Then, like a punch in the face from Jesus himself, I conveniently came across your magic weight loss remedy! What luck!

It seems logical enough (losing weight by eating, without the aid of any exercise whatsoever), however after enduring years of being bombarded with commercials of "fail proof diet plans" that have inevitably ended in defeat, I have been left jaded and heartbroken. My defense mechanisms were deployed, like an angry Ninja Turtle against a member of the Foot Clan.

However, your impressive website boasts you possess 20 years experience as "America's Fat Loss Guru" and have over 40,000 clients. Bravo! Sounds like you may have something here.

My question is this: since your claim is that this plan is 100% failproof, what happens for a gal like me who has severe food allergies and nourishment restrictions? I am allergic to meat, bread crust (unless it's panini), and Fluffernutter. I cannot eat vegetables unless they are encrusted in a thick coating of melted cheese. I cannot eat fruit unless they are deep fried in an jeopardous amount of honey, specially seasoned in salt (my own recipe). I cannot consume any dairy, which also means I cannot ingest vegetables (see above). My diet basically consists of chocolate (white and dark, not milk.. the dairy), and pork chops drenched in an obscene amount of canola oil. If I eat anything other than these fine items, I will die, Mr. Nevins.

So after carefully reading your mysterious and meticulously outlined diet plan, counting my pennies, and putting my faith in your capable and attractive hands, I beg of you.. can you help me? I'm anxiously awaiting your feedback so I can feel like a woman again. A woman who doesn't have to be ashamed of the hand she was dealt in life. A woman who can finally go to a restaurant and order a slice of pumpkin pie, and not have to specify, "Hold the pumpkin, and instead of the pie, please bring me a handful of Smarties and a dish of whipped cream."

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***REPONSE: March 7, 2009***

RE: re: To Mr. Rob Nevins (#6510-126689797-3554)
Saturday, March 7, 2009 7:06 AM
From: "Skinny Switch Secret" Add sender to Contacts To: "Sarah Bertrand" Hello Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Rob Nevins' Skinny Switch Secret!

I apologize for the delay in responding to your inquiry, this is due to an overflow of emails received.

I absolutely understand your concern. You need to be extremely cautious when it comes to food allergies, but two of the great features of Rob's meal plan is you get to select from a wide range of delicious meal options and you are provided with an Exchange List to help you make appropriate substitutions.

At this time our plan does not cater to any medical conditions, dietary restrictions or health concerns. We recommend you speak with your personal physician before beginning any weight-loss or fitness plan.

Please feel free to contact us with any future questions or concerns. We will be happy to assist you!

Alissa
Account Specialist

Our Account Specialists are available 10am to 8pm EST, Monday through Friday.

My letter to Glade

2009-02-28T12:21:00.000-08:00

February 28, 2009
Dear Glade,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old origami enthusiast who enjoys temporarily masking pesky odours, damaging expensive fabrics in my house by spraying them with artificial scents, and Middle Eastern dancing.

I have been an avid supporter of Glade products for years, but I now feel compelled to write you a letter of disdain, because you have crossed the line. My patience line.

I will explain.

I find your recent slew of Glade advertisements confusing and obnoxious. Your protagonist, a woman obsessed with Glade products, is seemingly in a constant quest to evade her closest friends and family from the truth; that she uses your products. Don't you think that's ironically unflattering? She deceivs her yoga group, claims her candles come from the exotic land of France, and last but certainly not least, she uses the air freshener to boast that she's been hard at work all day when meanwhile it just SMELLS like she has been! She's been lax in her responsibilities at home, but hey, it smells like "clean" and "baking", so someone give her the validation she so desperately craves!

Something smells in this situation Glade, and it's not your reasonably priced handiwork. This unstable, compulsive liar is insinuating that your product is inferior to more exotic or expensive products, and that if we decide to purchase your merchandise we should feel a sense of shame and try and cover it up. I'll bet she's getting paid pretty penny to do it! Hell, employ me! I'll bash you on air, if that's the angle that you've decided will be most lucrative. Furthermore, she has virtually no consequences to her actions, other than an uncomfortable humiliating roll of the eyes of her friends/ family that implies, "Oh you! This is why no one trusts you and you'll die alone! har har har!"

You have sucked society into your web of "Glies". That word is "Glade", mixed with "lies". So tell me Glade: where does this story go from here? Does the woman, we'll call her "Barbara" (she looks like one), go to counselling and get help for her insecurity issues? Do her friends stick by her? Does she discover new scents, and what story does she concoct to explain to the Avon lady when she steps into her home and inquires what that intoxicating allure is? How large does this web get, Glade?

I think you should sincerely re-think this campaign, Glade. Barbara is only hindering your success. I really think your company has something with these "candles" and "plug ins" you're peddling. I truly think that one day, your company will take off and become fairly popular. I have a knack for predicting these things. Don't worry Glade, your day will come.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***RESPONSE: March 2, 2009***

From: consumerproducts@SCJ.com
Subject: Re: Your Inquiry About an SC Johnson Air Care product #014240329A
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com
Received: Monday, March 2, 2009, 1:01 PM

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for your email. We value your comments and are sharing them with the
people responsible for our advertising.

Best regards,

Carolyn

Consumer Relationship Centre
SC Johnson
Toll free number: 1-800-558-5566
www.scjohnson.ca

Reference Number: 014240329A

***RESPONSE: March 2, 2009***

Re: Your Inquiry About an SC Johnson Air Care product #014240329A
Monday, March 2, 2009 4:02 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details To: consumerproducts@SCJ.com

Dear Carolyn (or is it Barbara??),

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old husky hip hop video dancer who enjoys silly buttons, giggling, and bedazzling tiny capes for my lizard. I was just rouging my face when I heard my computer scream out, "You've got mail!" (you know, like in that movie... Titanic), and I was delighted to see that it was from you.

I trust that you will do everything in your power to see that this woman is disciplined, and acquires a better attitude and rediscovers her dignity, Barbara.

Sweet dreams,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to a Yahoo spammer

2009-02-28T08:18:00.000-08:00

PLEASE READ CAREFULLY AND REPLY
Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:23 AM
From: "TAMA AKU"
Add sender to Contacts To: undisclosed-recipients
The Desk of Mr Tama Aku
Audit/Remittance Department of
African Development Bank (ADB)
Auagadougou Burkina Faso
phone: 00226-71 19 15 57

Dear Friend,

(CONFIDENTIAL)

I know that this email will be a big surprise to you, but i want you to calm down and read very carefully.

I have a business which will be beneficial to both of us. the amount of money involved is ($5,700:000:00 five million seven hundred thousand us dollars) which i want to transfer out of the country to your bank account, all to my financial benefit and yours too. and also to take my wife abroad for treatment of liver damage.

This money is owned by a man called JIN SUN, a business commercialist in west-african regions. he has been dead since four years ago (2005) and since then, no claim has been placed on his bank account balance.

I want to transfer this money out of the country but such fund cannot be transferred without a next of kin attached to the fund. the fund could be transferred in these way; you shall present yourself as a business associate to the deceased person[JIN SUN) as details shall be that you are the care- taker business associate to mr. jin sun and his properties.

I shall make available to you materials and information with which a successful claim shall be placed on the fund. i shall also be your guidiance and instructor throughout the duration of this transaction so as to ensure a swift and sure transfer of the fund to your bank account.

As to your benefits,you shall be entitled to 40% of this fund for your co-operation in this transaction while 5% will be set aside for expences incured during the course of this transaction.

So if you are interested, send a reply to me immediately and in your reply please include your [private phone and your fax numbers] urgency has to be implied and this business must strictly be a deal between both of us.
Waiting for your urgent response so that i can move ahead and give you the indept details concerning this transaction and also the steps to take for a smooth transfer of the fund into your bank account.

Best Regards,
Mr.TAMA AKU

***MY REPLY: FEBRUARY 28, 2009***

Dear Mr. Tama Aku,

I have heeded your advice, and "calmed down" after reading your email. It was hard though, I had to use my inhaler! Your email was so exciting!! Surprise!! To ME!!

First of all, I am very sorry to hear of your wife's liver damage. I trust that it's so horrific that not even over five million dollars in whichever country you are from can cover the cost!! For shame on your health care. Why wouldn't you complicate the operation and involve a third party!! Brilliant!

I'm a little confused as to how you came into contact of Jin Sun, the dead stranger's, money. Is it stolen? Embezzled? Did he ask you to have me, Sarah Bertrand, to be put personally in charge of his money? What an honor! Does he know that I am a 25 year old cage fighter that enjoys marbles and butterscotch? Also Mr Tama Aku, before I forget, I have some magic beans that maybe I can send your wife to help her liver? Every bit counts, right??

This sounds foolproof, safe, and like the financial endeavour of a lifetime! I will commence in sending you every bit of information I can about myself, including my social insurance number, my bank accounts, my visa number (you know, just in case), as well as my bra size and favorite color: it's pink, but I tell everyone it's blue).

Thank you so much for trusting me with this huge opportunity, and for believing in a hopeless daydreamer like me. Please forward me your bank information, your full name and address, your social insurance number, and a picture of your wife, so I can contact my new boss Mr. Jin Sun through means of a Ouija Board and ask him personally if he feels you are trustworthy. This is my operation now.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

My letter to Mighty Putty

2009-01-31T11:46:00.000-08:00

January 31, 2009
Dear Mighty Putty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional cage fighter who enjoys treasure, tiny ceramic flowers, and wildlife. More specifically, hedgehogs. Your product looks absolutely "sensational" (that is not a word I throw around lightly), and Billy Mays is certainly a handsome man. But that is neither here nor there.

Your Mighty Putty boasts of being able to support 350 pounds, and be able to handle just about any repair that needs to be made; even with automobiles!! This, Mighty Putty, is the news Phil Schmeckle and I have been waiting for.

You see, Billy Mays, about a year ago I took in an injured hedgehog I named Phil Schmeckle, who was missing a leg. He was involved in an "incident" I vowed I would never speak of (he's sensitive), so I will disclose that he's been very self conscious, and obviously inconvenienced by his missing appendage. I just don't make enough money to be able to afford such a tiny leg for him, nor do I have the means to construct one. Too bad they don't grow on trees! Actually, that would be one terrifying tree. If you see a leg tree, you should probably notify the authorities. Unless they're tiny! Then save one for me!

Where I'm going with this is that I'm going to need those two tubes plus four additional tubes of Mighty Putty for $19.99 plus $8.95 shipping and handling, in order to construct Phil Schmeckle a brand new, fully functioning leg. "Cut, activate, and repair!" I was wondering if you ship faster than the 3-4 weeks you have allotted for arrival? You can see the predicament I'm in, and Phil Schmeckle is so excited he can barely "stand" it! I've even told him maybe he'll be as fast as that cartoon version of himself, on that Sega Genesis video game! The blue one that's really fast?? Super Mario!

"Any job big or small, Mighty Putty repairs them all!!"

Phil Schmeckle and I look forward to this slogan definately and immediately coming true!! Thank you Mighty Putty. Or should I call you Jesus Putty?

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Vicks/ written as my mother

2009-01-25T12:39:00.001-08:00

January 25/2009
Dear Vick's,

My name is Joan Bertrand and I am a 50 some odd year old woman who enjoys breathing without hinderance, not being bamboozled, and scrambled eggs. I have a zest for life comparable to a preteen before she starts to go through puberty and gets all moody and jaded.

I trust you are having a fantastic weekend, and I will move on immediately. Right after this.

I have been battling a terrifying upper respiratory infection for some time now, and after every other option was exhausted, my doctor recommended I promptly obtain some Vick's cough drops, cherry and orange flavour. He also suggested to consume one of each color to enhance it's potency. It seemed like a logical idea, and I am not one to argue with a prescription that is being forced upon me, so I conceded.
I would have dont just about ANYTHING to cease the hacking and vomitting.

I purchased ten of each humdrum flavour, at $1.19 plus applicable taxes each. I suckled them, and even in the process I felt like I was tasting what mediocrity and injustice truly tasted like. Still Vicks, I suckled on.

I went home, tried to go about my habitual bedtime customs, consumed two Vick's cough drops; one orange, one red (symbolizing orange and cherry). I felt instant relief... for about seven seconds. Then, Vick's, I began retching and choking, choking and retching from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, like I was being strangled by a sub par product somehow.

I rolled out of bed, flailing about and clutching my throat, trying to communicate to my elderly cat Mr. Bojangles that mommy was dying, and in the process I am one hundred percent positive that my erratic behaviour brought on by Vick's agitated his heart murmur, and he had a stroke. I say, "one hundred percent positive" with a bit of hesitancy because at that point he vacated the room, but I think you will agree with me that it is a logical and appropriate assumption to make that he did so as to not upset me further. Also, so he could have his stroke in peace. I now have to make a pricey visit to the vet. I of course would never imply that I think it would be embarassing for you to *not* offer to foot the bill, however I will say that Mr. Bojangles is resilient, but not your biggest fan.

I apologize profusely, for I am getting off track.

I obviously eventually recovered from this stressful and heinous ordeal, and it was nothing short of miraculous, I can assure you.

I had to make a second trip to my doctor, and as soon as he saw my pathetic, illness stricken, unwholesome face he demanded to know what in God's name I had ingested due to the humiliating discoloration of my teeth, and my breath that he said could only be described as vile, rotten oranges and haunted cherries. He recommended that I did not speak to anyone in close contact, and haphazardly tied a filthy dish cloth across my face in case I was tempted to speak. Since I am a naturally intrusive close talker, this has proved to be extremely awkward and difficult. I had a brief stint in the emergency room where through prayer and morphine I made a speedy recovery.

Since then, I have had to buy an obscene amount of toothpaste to try and cleanse my stained teeth, and I believe you will see fit that I deserve retribution.

I seek $26.89 for all of the tablets of futility I purchased from my local drug store, and a written apology from Mr. Vick's herself.

I trust I will receive all retribution immediately, and I look forward to my presents.

Sincerely,
Joan Massie

***RESPONSE: Jan 25, 2009***

Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:30:40 +0000
From: pg_naconsumerrelations@mailnj.custhelp.com
To: jbertrand34@hotmail.com
Subject: Thank you for contacting P&G. [ ref:00D7JViV.50077odFk:ref ]

Thanks for contacting us, Joan.

I'm sorry about your experience with Vicks Cough Drops. Our products are thoroughly evaluated to be safe when used as directed, and we wouldn't expect the results you described. I'm sharing your report with our Health and Safety Division. Meanwhile, please hold on to any remaining product for two weeks in the event our Health and Safety Division needs to retrieve it.

Your satisfaction is important to us, so I'm sending a refund for two of the products you purchased. You should receive it in 2-3 weeks. We'd also like to see the remaining products so we can better understand what's happening. Please send the items to Procter & Gamble, Attn: Consumer Relations, 4711 Yonge St., Toronto, Ontario M2N 6K8. Remember to include your name, mailing address, and the following reference #: 464738. We suggest sending the product guaranteed delivery. Once we receive the products, we'll review for further compensation (including postage). For answers to medical questions, we recommend you speak with your doctor who will be able to give you the best advice.

Thanks again for getting in touch.

Terri
Vicks Team

My letter to Sea Well Optical

2009-01-17T13:51:00.001-08:00

January 17, 2009
Dear Sea Well Optical,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old monacle polisher that enjoys aquafit aerobics, unimpeded vision, and fancy pantyhose. You know, with designs.

I recently was visiting a mall in Markham, and came across your store, "Sea Well Optical". Needless to say, I was confused, anxious, and sullen when all I wanted was to find a vision treatment centre to discover a new pair of trendy yet affordable frames.

The name, "sea well", is a baffling conundrum that I found to be more than misleading. I briefly felt on top of the world that I had found a foreign treasure unlike any other, until I walked into your store of lies and disappointment. Due to your very specific and misleading name, I expected to enter your emporium and be warmly greeted by illiterate dolphins, or learning delayed crustaceans at the entrance. This did not occur, Sea Well Optical. In addition, the obvious mispelling of the word "see" caused an unfortunate series of events that ended with myself lost at sea off the coast of North Korea, not to mention the fact that my vision remains blurred and I believe tampered with, since I was fooled into traveling instead of purchasing my aforementioned spectacles. This all consequently lead to a plethora of unfortunate events where anyone with any logic would question my morals and sense of self worth, but I can confidantly attribute every scandalous and unspeakable act to a bad judgement call as a result of Sea Well turmoil. I am not responsible for anything, and you are.

The retribution I seek, Sea Well Optical, is immediately fixing your signage, as well as sending a written apology to me, Sarah Bertrand, for all the pain and unnecessary stress I have had to endure as a result of your neglect. I'd like some sea shells to entangle in my luscious locks as a decorative statement of my stature in society, ooh, and also like, ten bucks.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, Sea Well Optical..

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Koodo

2009-01-17T12:31:00.001-08:00

January 17. 2009
Dear Koodo,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old professional mascot groomer, who has had enough with your flashy advertisements.

I understand that you're trying to be satirical, poking fun with the retro trendy vibe your campaign overtly screams, however it only succeeds in excreting an obnoxious, juvenile semblance that is only enhanced by the vibrant trashy colors that are spewed throughout your campaign.

"Jingle bells, contracts smell, the system access fee laid an egg." This, this Koodo, is your slogan for one of your ads.

The retribution I seek is for someone from your company to please email me immediately and explain to me what the hell that means.

I thank you for your time, and hope you have a fantastic weekend.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

***RESPONSE: JANUARY 20TH, 2009***

Re: constructive criticismTuesday, January 20, 2009 2:47 PM
From: "Koodo Customer Service" Add sender to Contacts
To: "'sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com'"

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for contacting us. We sincerely regret to hear of your recent unsatisfactory experience with our ads, and we appreciate that you have taken the time to express your dissatisfaction.

Koodo Mobile is dedicated to providing the exemplary customer service that you deserve. Efforts are in place to monitor the service that we currently offer, and to further improve our customer relations in the future.

It is the feedback from customers, such as you, that will continue to guide us in this commitment. Complaints and suggestions received through emails are compiled and submitted in a monthly report, which serves as the basis towards planned improvements to existing services.

Sincerely,
Jennifer B

Koodo Mobile Customer Service
T: 1-866-99-KOODO E: customerservice@koodomobile.com
***EXTREME UPDATE: FEBRUARY 4, 2009***

I need to add that a representitive from Koodo actually came into my place of work to speak to me personally about my letter. He was fantastic, very fair, and actually complimented my writing! Koodo, regardless of my petty gripes, your customer service is impeccable. Well done.

My letter to Four Paws

2009-01-17T10:34:00.000-08:00

January 17, 2009
Dear Four Paws,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi inspirational speaker, and animal enthusiast.

While shopping at a local pet store, I came across your Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product. Since Schmoopy, my shih- lhasa bichon- terrier, or "exotic hybrid" as PJs Pet Store called her when I purchased her, has issues with her teeth, I decided that this product was a necessity that day.

I purchased your Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product in good faith, without reading the back of the box, and started on my long trek home. (I have to walk 30 miles in the snow, barefoot, each way, but my purebred puppy is worth it).

I took it home, out of the package, and sat Schmoopy down. This is when I decided to read the directions. That, Four Paws, is when this whole operation went awry. I'm not entirely sure how your manager of marketing or operations conceded that it was possible for any animal to sit down and open it's mouth with no resistance until it's teeth are good and clean, but the directions you have consigned are completely unrealistic. You may as well assign directions on how to use telepathy to guide your canine to scoop it's own feces.

Don't even get me started on the flavour your inferior company offers. Mint? Why mint? Dogs don't like mint. They like chicken, beef, or poop.

The statistics you haphazardly threw onto your package were clearly fabricated to fit your agenda, plus I heard that Four Paws dental products cause 87% of all gum disease. Ever. Even in humans.

In conclusion, I believe it's a fair statement to say that everything your company spawns should immediately be discarded. I don't think it's out of line for me to ask for you, Four Paws, to cease production immediately, and dispatch a letter of apology to me personally, for all of my troubles. As well as the cost of the Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product, to which I cannot remember how much I paid, but I'm sure it was unacceptable.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***RESPONSE: JANUARY 19TH, 2009***

RE: displeasure with Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment
Monday, January 19, 2009 8:28 AM
From: "Customer Service - Four Paws" Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Dear Ms. Bertrand,

I do apologize for your dissatisfaction with the Pet Dental Product that you purchased. Brushing dogs teeth is a very common practice. Not an easy one for sure, but determination prevails. Our new line of Natural Dental Products is Mint flavored, which many dogs do enjoy. We do also make dog toothpaste in Poultry & Beef flavors. As far as the statistics, you claim were "hap-hazardly thrown" on our label, we are not allowed by law to state things that arent true. Unlike, your ridiculous statement that 87% of gum disease is caused by our products. I am sorry you will no longer be purchasing our products, you and your pet will be missing out on wonderful things, manufactured by a reputable company. Best Regards,

Dana

Customer Service
Four Paws Products, LTD
50 Wireless Blvd.
Hauppauge, NY 11788
(631) 434-1100 - Phone
(631) 434-1183 - Fax
CustomerService@FourPaws.com
www.FourPaws.com

***MY RESPONSE: JANUARY 19TH, 2009***

RE: displeasure with Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment
Monday, January 19, 2009 4:36 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details To: "Customer Service - Four Paws"

Dear Dana,

I thank you tremendously for your email back in regards to my email of displeasure. Although I am sure you are paid an obscene amount of money to cater to the demands of your employer, as well as covering up the company you work for's sub par products. I respect that Dana, and you know what? I like you. 63% of my heart tells me I should forgive Four Paws, and you know what Dana? That's the majority, and that's good enough for me. Although I can't negotiate my self respect with you, I will tell you that I`ll give your company another chance if you send me a prototype of a new flavour of toothpaste for me to try on my puppy. I want it to be titled, Tangerine Whimsy, and to smell like fruit and magic. Congratulations on doing a fabulous job Dana. I`m not going to groom my dog in any way until I receive your package. My canine`s canines depend on you, Dana. Have a great night!

Warmest regards.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

Ny letter to PETA

2009-01-11T13:57:00.000-08:00

January 10, 2009
Dear PETA,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old animal enthusiast, who enjoys whole wheat, rescuing injured hamsters, and creating awareness. In general.

I work at a popular radio station in Toronto, and I came across your story today and decided it was far too compelling to let pass without proper attention.

You, PETA, have decided that the carnivores of the world don't feel bad enough about their blood thirsty needs, and they need to be further penalized by playing Webster's rabid minion and completely changing the name of a creature to fit your agenda.

I'm trying to put myself in your mindset and understand your train of thought. So, you don't want people to eat fish. So, how do you make fish more appealling... wait. People love kittens. They're furry and cute. No one wants to eat kittens. If people thought of seafood as furry and cute, they wouldn't eat it! And PETA would reign supreme! So, let's launch a nationwide campaign to rename fish: "Sea kitten"??? Are you serious? Do you really think that will fly, anywhere?

PETA, I respect your quest for animal equality immensely. Why, I have two hamsters at home that are missing eyes and ears, and I love them tremendously. But where do we draw the line?? Where do we get protein? Fish like to be eaten. It's their destiny. They understand that they're delicious, and don't blame us weak willed humans for consuming them with tartar sauce or perhaps a malt vinegar.

As for those poor residents of Montana that are being asked to change their name from Whitefish High School to Sea Kitten High School.. well, after being rendered speechless momentarily, I have collected my thoughts would like to express them through the means of interpretive dance.

I believe I have made my point, counteracting sheer ridiculousness with immature sarcasm. I understand that at this point you're probably not a huge fan of me... but what if I was a bunny? Everyone likes bunnies. They're cute and hoppy and they bring chocolate eggs.

Sincerely,
Sarah "Land Bunny" Bertrand.

My letter to Snuggie

2009-01-11T13:31:00.001-08:00

January 11, 2009
Dear Snuggie,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old semi professional graffiti artist who enjoys comfort, monster feet slippers, and not being taken advantage of.

I recently came across your bizarre and somehow wildly popular television advertisement, and I was inspired enough to scamper over to my computer, push my ailing grandmother to the floor (she was definately hogging it), and write you a passionate and thought provoking letter.

Snuggie, you have not convinced me that I need your product. Your slogan boasts, "The blanket with sleeves!", and this statement leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. A sour taste of fleece and lies. Although your product does come in many colors pleasing to the eye, such as burgundy, royal blue, and sage green, the concept in itself baffles me. Do you believe consumers won't realize that a blanket will do the exact same job, for a lot cheaper? Hell, even if you have a fever, you can throw on a sweater or jacket in addition to that blanket, and still won't have to go through the trouble of ordering and waiting on your mystical cloak of futility. Even with the promise of a free booklight with your purchase, and even with the affirmation that I will receive not one but two of these ridiculous atrocities, and *even* though that fleecey heinousness is being peddled for the reasonable price of only $29.95 plus shipping and all applicable taxes, I still believe that you owe me more.

Snuggie, I don't feel as though you've put your heart and soul into this project, and I demand retribution. I would like a limited edition prototype constructed in my honor, and sent to me immediately. In order to please me, you must have the back of the Snuggie bedazzled with tasteful rhinestones, and I'd like flashing lights to spell out my name. Sarah Bertrand. I'm not a fan of the colors you have offered, so I'm sure you'll have no problem manufacturing a rich pink hue to adorn my Snuggie. If I am jubilant with the final result, I will expect you to send me several Snuggies in the exact same manner in which I just described. In addition, four booklights, and $29.95 plus shipping and applicable taxes for my troubles. Also, I am willing to offer my services as your spokesperson, for I am searching for a sponser. You know, to sponser my every day living. I will send you headshots, and you can send me compliments.

I look forward to my presents immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Partypalooza.com

2009-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

January 4, 2008
Dear Partypalooza.com,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old daydreamer who enjoys fashion, retro trendsetting, and vibrant clashy colors that at a glance can send someone into a seizure induced coma.

I am on the quest for a sponser for my every day life, Partypalooza.com. I am a fun loving, adventurous jezebel, and I believe I would be the perfect representitive for your company; specializing in slap bracelets. Remember those nifty accessories from the eighties? Kids immediately started abusing them and there were tons of slap bracelet related injuries so they all got recalled. Except at your fine store! I know mine were all confiscated as soon as my mom caught my brother and I in the middle of a rousing game of, "slap bracelet slap facelet".

I could be your puppet, a walking billboard of marvel, with free swag, and my sole purpose would be to promote your company. I would elicit disbelief and morbid fascination, and your sales would boom! Straight through the roof! Everyone would be jealous that you thought to capitalize on youth, and people's fruitless and embarassing quest to recapture their childhood!!!

I will send some really flattering and professional headshots to hopefully tickle your fancy. Have a fantastic weekend, and I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Belvedere Vodka

2009-01-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

January 3, 2008
Dear Belvedere Vodka,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old nursing student that thinks you are delicious. You, and your entire operation.

Last night you made me feel like the cat's meow. You are dangerous though, Belvedere Vodka. You are a tricky monkey. You are one high class, exquisitely constructed beverage, and you made me feel like I was consuming water all night long.You are not water, Belvedere Vodka. Water does not make me feel like this the next morning.

This letter is not to reprimand though; my intention is only to praise, and give you the offer of a lifetime.

I would love to promote your brand of magic in my every day life. I'm your average Joe, representing an important demographic for your company to please: the "drunken girl who doesn't respect herself all that much and lives modestly" demographic. I believe your consumers will appreciate what you've set out to accomplish in your noble mission to make everyone feel equally important.

I will send you a series of headshots for you to choose from, as well as my contact information. Thank you, Belvedere Vodka. I don't feel confidant in saying I'm entirely sober right now, so I will leave you with something I am confidant in saying: Last night, you were responsible for me being on my A game. I truly felt I was fabulous, charming, and really really hilarious. In reality I was probably being disgusting and obnoxious and I should be ashamed of myself, but for those few hours that I was slamming back your delicious nectar, I was the King. And you, you Belvedere Vodka; you were my royal steed. That means horse.

I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Breathe Right Nasal Strips

2008-12-30T18:06:00.000-08:00

December 29, 2008
Dear Breathe Right Nasal Strips,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old marine biologist. I was recently watching my television unit, and saw a commercial for your product on the brandpower.ca advertisement. I have to say, Breathe Right Nasal Strip; I believe it could have been far more inspiring. So, with the aid of a 26er of vodka, I have cnococted aq commercial chock full of sinspiration.Picture this: A zookeeper has atrocious allergies. He's also full of vehement hate. He;s keeping the zoo.. get it?? zookee[per!! But he hates animals. He's allergic. So he's scooping their business, and "keeping" tjem and such, and he gets sick of coughing and yrelling all the time. What;s thyat rhyme? Beer before liquor.. get you sicker? But reverse it and it's a good time, rigt? What are you doing for New Years? Do you like to party? So he's cleaning, and he gets fed up so he grabs his breathe right strips, and there's a close up on it, and the ligjting's really bright and he takes out one of teh strips, and he puts it on.. an elephanT!!! Right?? Because he's spiteful and wants them to know how bad they really smell! He's a petty zookeeper. He wants the animals to know what he goes through.
*FIN*

I demand $50 for use of my idea.

I look forward to an immmmmediate reasponse.

Sincerely,
S Bizzle

My letter to Canadian Tire

2008-12-28T13:08:00.000-08:00

December 28, 2008
Dear Canadian Tire,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old organization enthusiast, who has sashayed down your aisles of inconvenience for the very last time.

I am appalled.. no, nauseated, at the reality of every single one of your stores being laid out completely different.

I don't know if you're trying to keep us faithful consumers on our toes, Canadian Tire, but I for one have run out of toes.

The Canadian Tire near Sherway Gardens always stores their winter treasures in aisle 92. This is where I assumed every Canadian Tire housed their winter treasures.

I recently scrambled into the Canadian Tire at Mavis and Dundas, and was headed to aisle 92 for my shovel and icemelt.

Do you know what I found in aisle 92, Canadian Tire? After I trekked across what felt the entire country, I did not find winter treasures; I found Polly Pockets, BBQ parts, and Rubbermaid bins. Nothing that remotely resembled a shovel or icemelt. They weren't even in the same category, like a spade and a bucket. They didn't have anything to do with eachother. I was left aghast, overwrought with anger, frustration, shame.. and I demand retribution. After that, I couldn't even see my simply scribbled list of necessities my mother had tucked safely in my fanny pack for me, through the blur of tears that had began swelling in my eyes. I crumpled the list in my sweaty bloated hands, and I threw it. I threw it into one of the clearly tampered with Rubbermaid containers, slammed on the lid, and said a silent prayer that hopefully sent it to hell.

I cantered out of that locale as quickly as my petulant legs would carry me, and I made a pact with myself never to step foot into another Canadian Tire as long as I live.

I can't believe you would do this to me. I can't believe you would do this to us all.

Unless Helen Keller is the Head of Marketing for Canadian Tire, you owe me, and everyone of your other customers, an apology. I demand every Canadian Tire to organize their stores in the exact same manner, three hundred dollars in Canadian Tire money, and icemelt and a shovel. I don't think that's asking too much.

I thank you for your time, and look forward to my retribution immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

My letter to Warner Music

2008-12-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

December 25, 2005
Dear Warner Music,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old aspiring carney that has emotionally crippling issues with Christmas music. Now Warner Music, I am no Grinch. Why, I love Christmas. But when I am working, and have to listen to "Christmas Now3" basically on loop for eight hours a day, I think that's enough to make anyone go a little berserk.

As for the Pussycat Dolls version of "Santa Baby"... well you're lucky. They have eternal immunity; or at least immunity until they lose their elasticity.

Naturally 7's, "No Christmas Without You" just left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm so over sappy Christmas songs.

"The Christmas Song" was an attempt by Divine Brown to wow her meager clan of fans, when she should have just been content to be fondly remembered in our hearts as a one hit wonder with "Old School Love".

As for Brian McKnight's rendition of, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", I must sheepishly admit that I stopped listening; so that can't be a good sign.

I'll refrain from pointing out the irony of Keith Urban's, "White Christmas", because we're all proud of him for kicking his habit, plus I liked Moulin Rouge and his wife's a babe.

Colbie Caillat's, "Mistletoe" was dreary and dreadful; she is not capable of singing anything that isn't strongly reminiscent of that "toes, nose" song.

I believe I can safely say that everyone is over bubblegum teen carols, so Ashley Tisdale's prepubescent charm was lost on me.

Bryan Adams needs to calm down. He really does. No matter what he chooses to sing, he always sounds like he's doing a benefit concert about something whiny. Aside from that, the words to "Christmas Time" make me stabby. So stabby.

Joss Stone, Ron Sexsmith, and Tami Swick don't necessarily deserve to be heckled; they just didn't make me feel festive.

This, Warner Music, brings me to Jewel. Oh Jewel. You know, yodelling was kinda neat for a second when we felt sorry for you because you lived in a van, and when we heard it we all pictured you driving around sobbing with hairbrush raised to your weathered lips like a makeshift microphone, yodelling with the night air as your audience? Well, we're over it. Have been since you came out with that book of weirdo poetry. Yodelling has no place at Christmas time. Jewel, I know you miss being a "B" list celebrity, but my "Winter Wonderland" is one that's void of your crackily comatose voice.

KT Tunstall. I wish I could criticize past singing debackles, however I literally have no idea who you are. This being said, while trying to make it through "Sleigh Ride", you sound like you're falling asleep with a mouthful of roast beef. In addition, just so you know, it's not "hip" to sound indifferent, because in the end you're still singing a Christmas carol.

Serena Ryder. I liked your song. I know. I listened to it 37 times because I was desperate to find something I could mock, but "Calling To Say" is actually a very charming song.

MOVING ALONG, WARNER MUSIC..

Dennis De Young. Sweet sassy molassy. Are you serious? Your song, "When I Hear a Christmas Song" makes me feel so unbelievably hopeless. If I could formulate the feeling your holiday diddy evokes in my soul, I would say it can be compared to watching a movie where the main character's best friend ends up dying from some tragic and obscure illness, and as soon as they die someone bursts into the room who realizes that a cure has existed all along. Then, the main character gets word that his family has just gotten into an abhorrent and unnecessary car accident. And then you realize that it's not a movie, Warner Music; it's your real life. This song makes me feel like it's not worth waking up in the morning. I think Mr. De Young should be strongly reprimanded, and an appointment with a career councillor should be made mandatory so that he can immediately choose a different direction with his life. Perhaps mortician, so you fit in with all your "customers".

Chad Michael Stewart. You've really outdone yourself with this one. I am literally astonished that you could make a Christmas carol sound like a suicide note. There is such dispair in your voice that I feel like your tears were almost being emitted through the shoddily constructed cd player that dwells at my place of work. Then, when you don't think the barely audible swan song that you made "Silent Night" into could get any worse, you crescendoed into a boredom induced stroke to finish it off. If you hate Christmas so much, why don't you just convert to Judaism? Christmas can just pass right on by, like a fleeting case of food poisoning, and you'll never have to think about it again. Consider it?

Hawksley Workman. You were always pretty bad ass. "Smoke Baby" was a solid song, and "No Reason to Cry Out Your Eyes" was great. I'm just curious though: in "Merry Christmas (I Love You)", were you drinking during the song, or did you just get hammered before?

Last, but certainly not least, I come to Red Hot Chili Peppers, with "Deck The Halls". I don't get it. And it's scary. I really am at a loss, it's such a ridiculous song.

Warner Music, I'm sure by now we both see eye to eye on your Christmas CD fiasco. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in demanding retribution. Although I didn't personally purchase this CD, I feel like I've been robbed of a lot more than money. My sanity, and patience. I demand $20 for having to put up with this Yuletide malarky, and a written apology from you, and every single artist on this CD. Minus Serena Ryder. I thank you for your time, and look forward to an immediate response, and subsequent presents.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Cure Sleepiness Right Away

2008-12-25T13:43:00.001-08:00

December 25, 2008
Dear Cure Sleepiness Right Away,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional soap opera star that very recently came across your reputable product.

Your product boasts of being "... suitable for long distance driving drunk driving, and night driving". Although that's an impressive feat that you have a "cure" to make drunk driving easier than ever, I can't help but feel a little unsettled about the notion of there being a product to aid drunken messes on the roads.

I'm actually quite speechless, and I demand retribution. As a survivor of watching those extreme videos on tv, and seeing countless vehicular accidents, I demand retribution. Your product is tacky and unconscionable. I'd like ten dollars, and an assortment of rare pogs.

Merry Christmas. I look forward to my presents. That is all.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Rosie O'Donnell

2008-12-21T12:08:00.001-08:00

December 21, 2008
Dear Rosie O'Donnell,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old aspiring fountain pen repairer, and I need to tell you something of imparative importance.

You are not a singer. I believe you knew that already, but somewhere along the line, you forgot. Maybe someone tried to convince you doing a charity CD would be great publicity, maybe someone told you it would be a commendable deed before Christmas, and that's ok; I don't blame you. What I do blame you for is deciding to further personalize the CD by adding your own song to the soundtrack. You didn't have to do that Rosie O'Donnell. Nevertheless, when I was strolling through my local mall the other day, and I heard that God awful Christmas music blaring, I didn't think my day could get any worse. Then I heard the first few opening chords, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus", and *your* shrieking voice followed... I couldn't believe my damn ears. I didn't know such a cover existed. For so many reasons this is obviously a very ironic choice of song, but I digress. I'll stick to the issue at hand.

This song was not precious, festive, or congruous to any age group. It was painful. I'm not sure if it was Parker, your son, who accompanied you in this atrocity, or some random homeless child you coaxed out of the cold with assurance of a warm meal and something shiny. It doesn't matter though. The appalling, beastly brat embarassing himself in the background just added to the torture my ears had to endure.

Rosie O'Donnell, I demand retribution. I believe the only fair solution would be for you to immediately implement the removal of every "A Rosie Christmas" CD's that are on shelves or in production. An apology letter is also in order, as is the distribution of several koosh balls and koosh launchers to my house.

Thank you very much for your time, and I look forward to these discrepencies being rectified immediately.

Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to The Midway State

2008-12-20T13:25:00.000-08:00

December 20, 2008
Dear The Midway State,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I attended your show last night at The Phoenix in Toronto, when you opened up for Justin Nozuka. You put on a great show; even though my roommate and I were almost illegally intoxicated, you managed to keep our attention and we were even inclined to purchase your CD. This, The Midway State, is the nucleus of this predicament.

We were waiting for Nathan to sign our copy of, "Holes", to which he somewhat lethargically obliged. I got my copy signed, "To Sarah, Nathan Somethingscribbled". However my roommate "LINN", who is extremely sensitive and low functioning, received a hastily signed, "To LINA, Nathan Somethingscribbled". For the duration of the concert, I had to hold her and rock her to sleep in the back of the Phoenix concert theatre, due to the extreme anxiety that was thrown at her, like a pair of panties from one of your rabid fans. We ended up leaving the concert early, even though I am a huge Justin Niboozled fan, and I'd like some retribution, please. It'd be fantastic if you could please send us two new CDs. One labelled, "To Sarah: Our muse, our life. Thank you for inspiring every single song we have ever wrote, and ever will write." The second addressed to my unstable roommate, labelled, "To Linn: You have a beautiful name, and it does not have an 'a' at the end of it." And then write a short but sincere limerick, please. Then possibly send a couple of stickers, and maybe a few gift certificates to Swiss Chalet. You know, to fill the void.

Thank you so much for your time, and we look forward to hearing back from you guys. Keep on rockin' in the free world.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand and Linn Mamoniw

***RESPONSE: December 21, 2008***

Re: Midwaystate.com ContactSunday, December 21, 2008 12:59 PM
From: "The Midway State" Add sender to Contacts To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Haha Hi Sarah. Sounds like you had a great time on Friday. As did we!

So, just to be clear: you're asking for two CDs because you're unhappy with
the ones you got signed? Did you lose them or are they broken in some way?

Happy holidays,
Daenen

***RESPONSE FROM ME: December 21, 2008***

Re: Midwaystate.com ContactSunday, December 21, 2008 1:19 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details To: "The Midway State"

Hi Daenen! Thanks for the speedy reply. My roommate didn't really have the best time at the concert! Remember? The crying and the devastation? I will be reasonable, The Midway State. If two new CDs are not within reason, if I received two autographed pictures, one for me and one for Linn, with outrageous and ridiculous dedications.. you would make my Christmas. Your band would stand out from all the rest, and you could all walk with your heads held high, knowing you pleased this impressionable aspiring crocodile wrangler. You could make me a lifetime fan. I have to go. I'm going to make a grilled cheese. Do you like grilled cheese? - Sarah Bertrand

***Received two not personalized pictures autographed by the entire band!!***

My letter to Crane Merchandising Systems

2008-12-20T12:30:00.001-08:00

December 20, 2008
Dear Crane Merchandising Systems,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a disgruntled young lady who enjoys practicality, and delicious reasonably priced snacks. Although your company produces neither one of these, I still am an avid user of your vending machine, due to lack of options. I believe it's best if I keep my place of employment shrouded in mystery, because the degree of stress and hopelessness I'm feeling could translate into aggression, and I don't want it to reflect badly on the good people at Roger's. Oh. Oh dear.

I can accept that in this day and age, with the recession and all, that established businesses feel it is proper protocol to maintain inflated prices on your merchandise. However I cannot accept that fifty percent of the time I go to the vending machine when I am parched, or am in need of a healthy energy supplement (such as the Miss Vickie's Rosemary and Basil chips that I just consumed), that I am inevitably left in the end, staring slackjawed with confusion and disgust at the dangling treat I purchased with my hard earned money. I have to go and get a brawnier coworker to aid me in getting what is rightfully mine. Sometimes I will sit there and pummel your vending machine for twenty minutes at a time, watching the bag of chips, or package of cookies (depending on my mood) suspended in mid air, mocking me. I'll kick and punch, punch and kick, until victory is mine, and I have my unreasonably priced tidbit in my sweaty little grateful hand. As I gallop down the hallway, cramming fistfuls of snacky goodness into my delicate mouth, my delight is hindered because of what an unnecessary production it was to come into possession of my treat.

Crane Merchandising Systems, retribution needs to be had. I'm aware it will be hard to tally the amount of money I have meandered away on your vending machine, so I will ask that perhaps a discount card could be sent to me, guaranteeing me 75% off anything I purchase for the rest of my life. I don't think this is unreasonable. I will be checking my mailbox every five minutes until I receive your package, complete with discount card and letter of apology. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to an immediate response.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Swiffer

2008-12-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

December 14, 2008

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old fortune cookie writer that's had enough.

Your commercials for the Swiffer Sweeper Vac are are reminiscent of poisonous worms that have burrowed their way into my subsconscious, to the point where I have Hall and Oates, "Baby Come Back" screaming in my head for the duration of the day afterwards.

I don't want to even get started on Swiffer Wet Jets. If you were trying to create a product that effectively cleaned and functioned properly, well then I hope this is just your prototype. The only thing Swiffer products do well, is moisten the dirt and change it's location awkwardly around my kitchen.

Proctor and Gamble, I demand retribution. I'd like the $29.99 plus applicable taxes for the abortive Swiffer Wet Jet that I erroneously purchased, and I would appreciate if a massive warning was plastered on the package of all of your Swiffer products from now on, stating that unless you have an unrealistic floor, with absolutely no blemishes, and concocted of magic, then the Swiffer series will prove to be futile.

I thank you for your time, and look forward to my retribution, as well as this imparative change, to be implemented immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***RESPONSE December 14, 2008***
Thank you for contacting P&G. [ ref:00D7JViV.50077XFpU:ref

]Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:49 PM
From: ""P&G North America" ilnj.custhelp.com>
Add sender to Contacts To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com" >

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for sharing your disappointment with our Swiffer products including our Wet Jet. Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team.

Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I'm following up with you by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks. Also, your check for 30.00 will arrive in a separate mailing. I'm sorry but we don't reimburse for tax.

Thanks again for writing.

Pat
P&G Team

P.S. If you're a mom who likes learning about new products and sharing your opinions about them, we'd love to hear from you! Join Vocalpoint to preview and influence new products and services, as well as receive coupons and samples you can share with friends or family. Membership is free, always voluntary, and your privacy is guaranteed. To join or to find out more about Vocalpoint, just click on http://site.vocalpoint.com/guest/screener.html?targetid=351

***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $30.00 in the mail!***

My letter to PJs Pet Store shoppers/browsers (inspired by my wonderful Manager, SB)

2008-12-13T11:47:00.000-08:00

December 13, 2008

Dear PJs Pet Store Shoppers/ Browsers,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a kennel worker at the Scarborough Town Centre PJs Pet Store location.

Since it is Christmas time, in the spirit of giving, I will no longer repress the three years of constant abuse and subjection to complete and utter stupidity I have endured; here is a piece of my mind.

To the woman with the attitude who sauntered through the dog department in brisk fall weather, sporting a beautiful cloak of death draped over her tacky, oblivious shoulders; really? A full length fur coat, in a pet store? Really? Although you did look utterly glamorous, and as though you had an obscene amount of class and money, traipsing through Scarborough Town Centre during a week day afternoon, when you should most undoubtedly be either at work or at home taking care of the plethora of children you've forsakenly spawned.

You made sure you stopped infront of every single kennel to appraise all of the "merchandise" we had, and I can assure you Miss; not only were the dogs all judging you as harshly as all the staff in the store, but in addition make no mistake: all those titters and jeers were definately directed at you, the woman with the carcass keeping her warm, who we affectionately had labelled Cruella Deville.

To the woman who gawked at me like I was a fantastic feces cleaning phenomenon? You were crouched down with your son, watching me in the bottom kennel for the entire duration I was cleaning and disinfecting, doing the job that I choose to have for the time being so I can pay my rent; I can read lips. Even though it looked like I was having an impressive and paramount day already, you know, with the obvious vomit that had already encrusted my scrub shirt, I appreciated seeing you mouth to your overweight underachieving son, "See what happens when you don't get an education?", as a warning, and then point at me. At first I was upset, trying to blink back tears because on top of everything else that I had been dealing with, I was being unabashedly insulted at my place of work. Then I actually smiled to myself, when the prudent hilarity of the situation swept over me like the overwhelming stench of the rash inducing "perfume" you were wearing: you are not better than me. If anything, the frumpy, gaudy shoulder padded mess of an ensemble you were wearing gave me hope, that whatever warning you gave your son about what path not to follow in life, he would rebel against you and your obnoxious ignorance. Just so you know, I have three jobs, as well as a college degree.

To the countless people who think it's hilarious to come in and look through the kennel window we're in there cleaning, minding our own business; it will never be funny to ask, "How much for you?" and then start killing yourself laughing. We don't smile because we hear it at least ten times a day. The answer will always be the same: Too much for you too afford. Just like our overpriced animals.

To the legions of saints who come in almost daily and tell us how sorry you feel for the animals, and what horrible people we are and that we should be ashamed of ourselves: you're right. I get paid so much money, that I don't care what I'm asked to do. I have no self respect, no conscience, and for minimum wage I would gladly come in a few times a week from downtown Toronto, just so I can abuse animals. You are incredibly accurate in assuming you have the right to come in and degrade complete strangers in an obviously uninformed manner, and you should all pat yourselves on the back. Calm down; you're not a hero, and your annoying grievances don't make a shred of a difference.

To the amusing teenagers who constantly attempt to make their deadbeat friends giggle, and ruffle some feathers at the store: no, we do not kill the animals if we can't sell them right away. We always sell them. If they happen to not go immediately, we transfer them to a store where they will get a home immediately. It's not funny, nor will it ever be, because that "joke" has been done too many times before for anyone to care that you're trying to be witty.

To the man and his sister/impregnated girlfriend who came into the store and attempted to buy our sweet, beautiful rottweiler; thank you. Although we do not believe you, no matter how many times you tell the story about how you had a "half" rottweiler, "half" pitbull, and "half" timberwolf... your story still manages to put a smile on all of our faces, and a gaggle of laughter in our hearts. You were absolutely insane, and no dog has ever reached 450 pounds, so even if you say it in a voice with authority, and make awkward excited eye contact in the process, it still doesn't make it true. You weren't not approved for the puppy because of your credit; it was because you are certifiably insane, and we were worried you would try and ride her home, out of the store, to freedom, if we let you purchase her.

Lastly, but certainly not least, to all the people who stick their fingers in the kitten cage, and act aggressively towards us when we tell you not to. We don't care if you have "gentle" fingers. We don't care that you're going through the trouble of tangling us in your web of lies that you just washed your hands, or funnier still, that you're "not" (if we call you on it, chances are you've been caught, and it's just embarassing for you to deny it). We don't care if you think you're "qualified" to touch them because you have 13 cats waiting for you at home; first of all, that's illegal, and secondly, it doesn't even make sense. We especially don't care if you try and tell us that "you didn't touch the kittens, they were touching you." Are you a five year old fighting with your sibling in the back of your parents car on the way to Disney World? You are all responsible for me contemplating actually exposing myself to rabies, just so I can run out and bite your dishonest, moronic fingers, like I pray to God the kittens will do every time I see you trying to unscrupulously sneak in a grab or poke as you pass them. There is a special place in hell for you all.

Three years working at PJs with the lowest grade of human beings that exist has taken it's toll, but now I can breathe. I hope every single one of your Christmases this year is ruined, like you consistantly ruin my day. Think of me as you pass PJs Pet Stores everywhere, especially at Scarborough Town Centre. I'll be the glaring girl in the window, with tattoos and stretched ears, judging you silently, and mentally making notes for my next scriptual middle finger.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Pepto Bismol (inspired by Alysha Ruggier)

2008-12-07T13:52:00.000-08:00

December 7, 2008

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional, who's a reasonable young lady with a passion for cuisine that is so preposterously spicy, it's borderline unnecessary.

Proctor and Gamble, you advertised in your addictive yet tasteless Pepto Bismol commercials that your product cures heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, as well as diarrhea. I can assure you I had at least three of these symptoms, and since I am a bashful lady, I will not disclose the five I do have. However, I will say that not only did the product you boast so much about NOT deliver your promise of relief.

Proctor and Gamble, my bowels are bound with disapointment and dispondency. Your product is reminiscent of a lame horse. A pink placebo lame horse of shame. I demand retribution. $9.95 plus applicable taxes for the useless container of lies that remains dormant in the very back of corner of my cabinet, with all the other medicines that I'm currently angry with. As well as a personal mention in your next commercial, that explains that if you're experiencing one of more of the following: nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach or diarrhea... you're better off curling up in the fetal position and praying for your impending death than using your product. Pepto Bismol is a temporary sometimes cure to issues plaguing your intestines and/or soul, and I'd appreciate you being honest with your purchasing public, and legions of fans. I thank you in advance. I will forward you some glamour shots so you can decide which pictures of myself you'd like to include in your next marketing campaign.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: December 13, 2008***

Thank you for contacting P&G.

Saturday, December 13, 2008 11:34 AM
From: ""P&G North America" " Add sender to Contacts
To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com"

Thank you for sharing your disappointment with our product. Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team. Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I'm following up with you by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks. Thanks again for writing.

Amy, Pepto Team

***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $9.95 in the mail!***

My letter to Scarborough Town Centre Management

2008-12-07T13:41:00.000-08:00

December 7, 2008

Dear Scarborough Town Centre Management,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a humble employee at PJ's Pet Store in your distinguished mall. I have accepted that my fate is doomed to consist of medicrity and puppy poop, but what I cannot accept, is Christmas music.

Please stop playing it. Seriously. I will end my life in the polluted water fountain right next to Santa's castle of lies if you don't. Christmas music makes me angry, which in turn will make your faithful shoppers angry. Trust me. I'll ensure it happens.

Good day. Bah humbug.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Bell Canada

2008-12-06T12:45:00.000-08:00

December 6, 2008

Dear Bell Canada,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old young lady that feels like her proverbial balloon has been deflated. I am infuriated, like an angry rhinoceros mother who's offspring has just been threatened.

I purchased a Motorola phone from you in March of last year. I can't remember the model number because from the beginning I was not impressed. The phone is intrusive, and a lot of the times I feel burdened by the mere existance of it in my pocket. Like an obnoxious Tamagotchi, I am constantly checking to make sure it's behaving, not automatically signing onto the internet, or downloading new ringtones. Although I still question whether or not they are programmed by Bell, like sneaky robots of the night, to seek monetary grabs whenever they know I'm not looking, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. We have larger fish to fry, Bell Canada. My bigger issue that needs immediate attention is the fact that two of the circular buttons that control most of the functions, have fallen off. They are no longer on my phone, Bell Canada. When I took this into one of your stores, and brought this to one of your salespeople's attention, the brash heathen of a woman told me Bell does not cover such a tragedy. Doesn't cover buttons falling off? I was perplexed, enraged, and completely dumbfounded. But still, I did not lose my cool. In the process of trying to plot my next move as to how to come into possession of those elusive buttons, my phone just stopped ringing. It doesn't ring, Bell Canada. Oh, and you can check, "horrible selection of ringtones", and "only receives and sends texts when it damn well feels like it" off my list of complaints as well. So not only am I missing important buttons, am not happy with the ringstones, and have faulty texting, but now my phone is silent. I miss extremely important phones calls, and I just don't know what to do with myself. What does Bell Canada cover? If my phone explodes, and I have cellular shrapnel in my eye, and have to have a costly operation... does Bell cover that? If my phone leaks battery acid into my pocket and I develop burns on my delicate legs, and as a result the phone is left lame and unusable, does Bell cover *that*?? Bell Canada, retribution needs to happen here; it will be mine. I am eligible for a new phone in March of next year, with only two hundred dollars to put towards it. Now, since the last time I checked, your phones were an ungodly price, I believe two hundred dollars will probably cover a decorative faceplate. I am completely unhappy with this mediocre customer service, and product. Your policies are flawed, as is my defaced Motorola phone. For the love of God Bell Canada.. where are my buttons? Please respond immediately.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

My letter to U2

2008-12-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

December 3, 2008

Dear U2, more specifically, Bono,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old gal that has a Christmas wish this year I hope you can assist me with. Please don't ever sing Christmas songs. Ever. Seriously. I work at a mall, where your song, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" is basically played on loop all day long, and as soon as I hear the first few chords of the song, and then your sweet soft melacholy voice chimes in, my heart is overcome with emotion. Not the kind of emotion it feels good to experience, but kind of emotion that leaves you feeling like your mind has been ravaged by an energy vampire, and you feel mentally exhausted. You're teary eyed, not because the song struck a positive chord; but because it literally made you feel like your heart is heavy with the burden of just hearing your entire family has been killed in a horrific car crash, and you still have to open up all their Christmas presents.
So, in the spirit of Christmas, maybe you should just lay low. Relax, have some eggnog, not sing Christmas songs. Not even hum them.
I hope this letter is received with all of the urgency and hostility of a bitter mall worker who has given up on her future, and just wants to be left alone in her silent rage, cleaning up after puppies and not listening to music that makes me reflect about war, famine, Ireland, and tinted unnecessary glasses. Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Pampers

2008-11-30T17:55:00.000-08:00

November 30, 2008

Dear Proctor and Gamble-,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I have a query regarding the logic behind choosing your babies, or should I say, preteens, you use in your Pampers commercials. Believe it or not, when I was younger, I too wore diapers. So every time I see your commercials, I feel a deep connection with your product. The children you use in your commercials are at least 13, and realistically probably haven't, or should not have, been wearing diapers for years. They look old enough to secure a job, get married, and possibly have children of their own. They look old enough to have a mortgage, and have already set up their RRSPs. They look old enough to have a car, frequent bars, and old enough to develop a gambling addiction or drinking problem. I was wondering why you would purposefully choose to have them look so dibilitatingly aged? Is it because more realistic actors are too young, and thus unpredictable? Then why not use bigger budget actors, to make it less awkward and not seem like you're trying to deceive your audience, but still make your point in a valid and more respectable manner. Why not Danny DeVito, Emmanuel Lewis from TV's sensation, "Webster", or even Charlie Sheen? They're all somewhat the height of a toddler? I thank you for your time, and look forward to your immediate response.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Canon Canada

2008-11-26T11:14:00.001-08:00

November 26/2008

Dear Canon Canada,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a young woman who enjoys photos, cameras, toast without Nutella on it, taking risks, and aggressive punk rock music. I am writing you this letter to commend you on your latest choice for the new fresh face of Canon: Avril Lavigne. You, at Canon Canada, should hold your heads high for making the perfect selection of celebrity to showcase your Rebel line of digital SLR cameras, and an ELPH line of compact point and shoot cameras. Why, when I think of Ms. Lavigne, there's one streaming thought that runs rampant through my mind like a vicious celeb obsessed cycle of envy and shame; it's what a hardcore rebel Avril Lavigne truly is. She personifies everything that is cool and trendy with society today. She came out with that unbelievably catchy song.. something about being complicated for stealing your boyfriend and then being angry and sad and misunderstood. I think it was called, Every Single She's Ever Released.

When she parades around in in a pink bedazzled ensemble, taking pictures and throwing her proverbial middle finger up high in the air to anyone who's going to judge her because she's such a unique bad ass, all I can think about is how much I would purchase ANYTHING so I can have that, if only for a flittering moment. THEN I find out there's a new Canon microsite, shootlikeastar.ca, where fans can upload their photos and personalize them with images and such accessories as tiaras or feather boas from the commercials; be still my heart! Avril, you have come so far from your days as a tie toting alternative individual, to a fairy princess commercialized uncompromising pink panther that exemplifies what a Rebel truly is. Thank you Canon; I have taken out a bank loan to purchase as many cameras as I can carry in my Avril Lavigne inspired black and white checkered studded backpack. If I can make a suggestion for any future lines of camera that is to come, that maybe needs a Rebel type celeb endorser, I would say either the Jonas Brothers, or Miley Cyrus. Oh, and for any revolutionary up and coming product that needs a hip, nifty celebrity to really catch people's attention? Either Nicholas Cage or Bea Arthur, Dorothy Zbornak from the hit tv show, "The Golden Girls". Best of luck; can't wait to start taking pictures and sell my soul!

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Value Village

2008-11-26T08:07:00.000-08:00

November 25/2008

Dear Value Village,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am an avid shopper at your esteemed establishment. However, as a busy mother of three with no time to spare, I have a couple of suggestions as to how I think you could better and add more "value" (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) and ease to the Value Village experience. First of all, I think all of your merchandise needs to be organized according to it's obvious category. When I go shopping, I have three things in mind. First thing, how can I get more things, for less money? I think the solution is obvious. Stealing. Just kidding. Create a bargain bin of free things, so everyone can rummage through with the masses, like territorial rabid raccoons and confiscate what they will. This allows for the public to feel like they really came away with something special that day; free items that they can really be excited about, as well as a street fighting mentality they can carry with them throughout their day, and use to their advantage if any trials or tribulations arise. Secondly, categorize all of your merchandise in a way that will appeal to the thrifty public, such as myself, and my husband Kevin Tramov. When we go "value villaging", as we call it, we have a specific agenda in mind: we need "art", religious artifax, toys from our childhood, and treasures. I strongly believe you should organize the store in this very specific way: Treasure, Religious Hilarity, Haunted Memorabilia (such as creepy paintings, or weird things that have no use or real value and you know they come from a broken home where something horrible happened, and they carry a curse.. gimme gimme!!), Nostalgia, Questionable Clothing, Bonnets and Other Unsanitary Head Apparatuses, Definately Broken Electronics, Soiled Items, and last but not least, Useless Crap: Don't Bother. Lastly, sometimes I can spend a whole day in your wonderful store, and I get famished. Why not keep with the trend of the store, and have a secondhand food station? How many times do you get a doggy bag at a restaurant that you know you're not going to eat, and you end up wasting it? Cook a decadent dinner that no one appreciates and you have left overs?? Why not drop it off to the local Value Village! Charge a dollar fifty for delicious reminents of a four course meal! I hope you have found these suggestions not only helpful, but necessary. I look forward to visiting your store again sometime soon, and see these new changes immediately in place.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Wrigley's

2008-11-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

November 23/2008

Dear Wrigley's,

Your product has left me feeling helpless and confused, and I now have a terrible taste in my mouth; even worse than the taste of expired coconut yogurt and mediocrity that was previously plaguing my tastebuds.
I was working away at my desk this afternoon, and after drinking eleven cups of decadent German Chocolate Cake flavoured coffee, I realized that my mouth could use a fresh burst of berry bliss, and fast. So I sauntered down to the local convenience store, sought out a name I trusted, and purchased Wrigley's, Five "Elixir: Mouthwatering Berry" gum, and rabidly shoved four pieces into my mouth as quickly as possible. As I chomped on what I can only describe as what I believe Heaven would taste like, a harsh dose of reality snapped me out of my berry trance.
Wrigley's, riddle me this: Is your gum brand labelled as "Five", because the flavour literally lasts five seconds in your mouth? Like there's an inevitable tiny timer strapped to the underside of each individual piece of glucosified deliciousness, and the second you actually get into the flavour, it's immediately kidnapped from you like tragic episode of "Without A Trace"? Only there is no happy ending, Wrigley's. No one finds the flavour at the end; it's lost. Like the punchline of every joke Bob Saget ever made as Danny Tanner on the hit tv show, "Full House".
I demand retribution. I'd like a pack of your finest gum, one with a minty flavour that will not let me down. I'd also like back my five dollars please. I know that the pack of gum did not cost five dollars, but I'm so upset I can't even remember how much I paid for it. So five dollars will do.
I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to an immediate response. You can forward all retribution to:

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: November 24/2oo8***

In Response to your Website Comments - Ref # 000452855A
Monday, November 24, 2008 9:00 AM
From: "PR@wrigley.com" Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for letting us know how you feel about 5® Elixir gum. We're happy to hear from you and truly value your feedback. Input from customers like you helps us to constantly make improvements and ensure that we are always providing you with top-quality products.We introduced 5® Elixir gum to provide our customers with a fresh, new flavor for the brand they love. We're very sorry that you didn't like this flavor, but we greatly appreciate you taking the time to try it and sharing your thoughts with us. We'll be sharing your feedback with our researchers, who are constantly working on new flavors to add to our product lineup. We hope you'll keep an eye out for our new products, try them when they come out and let us know what you think. Thank you again for reaching out to us and we hope you'll continue to enjoy Wrigley products in the future.

Sincerely,

Tom BradyConsumer Affairs Representative

My letter to Burt's Bees

2008-11-22T10:39:00.001-08:00

November 18/2008

Dear Burt's Bees,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I'm writing this letter to inform you, as well as your bee minions, that you have pollenated my life with inconvenience. This is a sticky situation, that I hope you can rectify. Everyone is aware that bees are known for their trickery and mystique, but I also believed that they were known for their stellar work ethic and positive attitudes. I was devastated to find out that I was wrong.
On Tuesday November 11, 2008, I sauntered over to the local Shopper's Drug Mart. After comparing each individual tube and pot of chapstick and lip balm, I decided to purchase Burt's Bees beeswax lip balm. I decided on the pot of lip balm, because I felt as though I could control a more even balm distribution; also, the bumble bee adorning the front of the pot made me feel proud and safe.
I was delighted with my new find, and felt that the 45 minutes I had spent in the lip care aisle was well worth it. I knew in my heart that this brand would best suit my chapped lip needs; plus I had heard positive reviews in the past, so I was extremely content with my find.
As I hastily sped home, shoving anyone in my path off of the sidewalk like a manic hurricane, I balled up my receipt and threw it away into oncoming traffic, making peace with the reality that it wouldn't be needed; I would experience 100% customer satisfaction.
Now Burt, when I got home, used my Burt's Bees beeswax lip balm, and it felt phenomenal. My lips tingled with excitement, and I can honestly say I had never in my life felt as good as I did as when I smeared that lip balm all over my lips in an overzealous trance. It worked great once, even twice. But after that, as I attempted with my delicate yet capable fingers to pry open the cap, I found that my efforts were futile. It is literally impossible to remove the lid from the container. I have been trying for four days to do so, and I recognize that I have to admit defeat. Burt, my lips are cracked with animosity and they demand vengeance. Or retribution. All I ask is for a replacement pot of Burt's Bees beeswax lip balm or chapstick, and possibly one or two of your magic bees to do my bidding. I thank you for your consideration, and look forward to a response.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***REPLY: November 19/2008***

RE: Product inquiry for Beeswax Lip Balm
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 11:02 AM
From: "information"
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Hello Sarah,

Thank you for taking the time to email us the experience you had with the Lip Balm Tin. Your comments and concerns are always appreciated and extremely important to us.
At Burt’s Bees, product quality is our highest priority. We will share the product information you have provided and your particular concerns with our Quality Assurance team who will investigate this issue further. Please send us your address by reply email and we will also send a brand new product. You do not need to send your product back to us, however if you would send us the 6-7 digit lot code number that is stamped in ink on the bottom or side of your product that information is very useful to us. Please include that information with your address info in your reply email if you can obtain it. Again, we apologize for this experience and for any inconvenience this has caused.
Burt’s Bees remains committed to being ‘seriously natural’ and to you, our consumer. We will continue to provide you with safe and effective earth-friendly natural personal care products. Again, thank you for taking the time to share your experience with us. Your feedback is valuable in our efforts to continually improve the quality of our products.

Best Regards,
Melanie
Consumer CareBurt's Bees Inc.1-800-849-7112 option 4
Mon-Fri 10AM-4:30PM EST
***MY RESPONSE November 19/2008***

RE: Product inquiry for Beeswax Lip Balm
Friday, November 21, 2008 10:17 AM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com
To: "information"

Thank you so much! I eagerly look forward to receiving your fabulous product in the mail! Bee minions? Not this time? Who will do my bidding?
-Sarah Bertrand

lot code number 210801

My letter of suggestion to Kraft Canada

2008-11-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

November 16/2008

Dear Kraft Canada Inc,

First off, thank you for macaroni, and those individual cheese slices. They make the best grilled cheeses.

Last night, when I came stumbling home in a drunken rage, all I wanted was food that would erode my belly, but leave me feeling fulfilled. Unfortunately, I had drank my money away, and was left with an empty pocket, an empty tummy, and an empty heart. As I scratched at the front door like an unspayed cat for my roommate to let me in because I had inevitably lost my keys, I was craving something greasy and unhealthy, but something that was low on calories and wouldn't leave me feeling like a beached whale the next morning. Once let in, I tore open the cupboard door, and sloppily pawed at the only thing I could find; Kraft's Oreo "Thinsations". Now, they were delicious, but not what I was craving.

As I was munching away at my sixth bag of the 100 calories treats, I thought, "Wouldn't it be great if Kraft revolutionized the world of treats and catered to her irresponsible alcoholic demographic? Wouldn't it be amazing if Kraft could raise the calories involved in the snacky equation to maybe 200, made the packages heat resistant and stuffed them with ramen noodles, pizza slices, nachos and cheese, battered chicken wings, fries, or a hamburger punched in the face with McDonald's spices?" I actually said all this outloud, to my cat. Don't judge me; I said I was drunk.In a world today where everyone is attempting to be more health conscious, and trying to lose weight with magic pills or bouts of depression, I implore you Kraft; why not rise to the occasion, and create a delicious treat that allows us who have guffawed in the face of sobriety to just pass out in the hallway with a happy tummy and a smile plastered on our drool soaked faces? I know you're all probably excited to get this new endeavour started, so I'll end this letter with a little hospitality, and a tip of my hat. I don't expect any retribution for planting the seed of your future best seller; all I demand is for the "Drunksations" to be displayed in a fancy and whimsical package, with my face proudly displayed on the front. I'll take some pictures tonight and send them to you so you can choose which ones you feel will be most appropriate.

I thank you for your time, and look forward to hearing from you immediately. I'll expect the first prototype in the mail within the week.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: November 16/2008***

RE: Your Comment/Question Case ID: 18350424

Sunday, November 16, 2008 3:41 PM
From: "openinnovation@casupport.com"
To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com" sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Thank you for visiting http://www.innovatewithkraft.com/.
Thanks so much for taking the time to contact us with your suggestion. We're always delighted when people care enough about our products and packaging to offer their own creative ideas.As you might know, we have a new "unsolicited ideas" policy that allows Kraft to consider some types of ideas (mainly for new products and packaging innovations) submitted by consumers. However, our policy does not cover unsolicited ideas regarding: product line extensions, packaging changes, advertising, promotions and recipes ideas.So, those types of ideas are not sent along to our new "Innovations Team," who is responsible for analyzing unsolicited ideas under our new policy.But, we do want you to know that comments shared by our consumers can be very helpful to Kraft. Various Kraft teams do review comments such as yours, which help us identify consumer trends, preferences and needs.Again, we appreciate you contacting us and applaud both your creativity and loyalty.
If you haven’t done so already, please add our site to your favourites and visit us again soon!

Kim McMillerAssociate Director, Consumer Relations

My letter to Hasbro, the makers of the board game, "Sorry"

2008-11-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

November 8/2008

November 22, 2008
My letter to Hasbro, the makers of the board game, "Sorry"

Dear Hasbro,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am 25. I am writing a letter of apology, for the board game that your company has spawned.
I'm "sorry" I ever purchased your desperate and unsuccessful grasp at proving you're still a legitimate source of quality entertainment for the gaming community; the board game, "Sorry".

Your commercial was a perfect example of everything that is wrong with this world today. It depicts a brat unabashedly demoralizing her family in her quest for victory. Even though I was apalled when I witnessed, this, I never thought I would have to worry about this venomous inexcusable behaviour from my daughter. So, somewhat hesitantly, I conceded against my better judgement. Allow me to set the scene for you, Hasbro. It's Friday night. I'm a single mother, home alone with my seven year old daughter Apple. I bring home a new game that I purchased at the local Wal Mart to surprise my daughter, and explain the regulations, and we commence playing. She informs me she's already seen a commercial for said board game, and knows how it works. I'm caught offguard, but not concerned because I know I raised my daughter right.

Long story short, my daughter began beating me at the game, knocked my gaming piece off my square and back a significant amount, looked at me with a smug grin, and sarcastically spat at me, "Sorry!" while rolling her eyes.

I was shocked. Mortified even. I threw the board off of the table, started spinning around and sobbing, and grounded my daughter until her birthday. In 2032. Now Hasbro, since up until that point I had only had a few drinks that night, I know I did not overreact. I believe that "Sorry" is singlehandedly responsible for teaching kids disrespect, belittling their elders, the recent collapse of the economy, and ruining the genuine and sincere foundation Canadian families have fought so hard to create in this day and age.

It made me question what kind of a mother I had been thus far if Apple could bring herself to speak to me in such a way, and moreso than anything else, it made me really want to give her something to be really "sorry" about. She hates to lose.. almost as much as I hate when my glass is empty, if you catch my drift. And in the end, when I broke that board game over my knee screamed at her that Santa wasn't real, everyone lost in my household, Mr. Hasbro. Everyone.
Hasbro, I'm sorry I ever purchased the game, sorry I ever ruined family time with this unimaginative tool of the devil, and I demand retribution.

I have enrolled myself in 12 weeks of parenting classes, at $300 per class, to see where it was that I went wrong. I believe it's necessary, and I am sure you'll find no issue with covering the cost. I also would appreciate a letter of apology to Apple and I, $29.95 plus applicable taxes for the cost of the game that I had to burn in a cleansing ritual in my backyard. In addition, a recommendation for a new, more genuine and less hurtful game. Something that preferably includes dinosaurs, and or bright colors and a thimble.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from your representatives soon. "Sorry" if this was ill received; it was not my intention to ruffle feathers. I'm just a lonely, competitive, simple woman who has a fear of losing; games, money, or the respect of her family.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: November 17/2008***

Consumer complaint to Hasbro, Inc. re: Sorry
Monday, November 17, 2008 11:42 AM
From: "Meehan, Christine"
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Ms. Bertrand, your recent contact to Hasbro about your recent experience with our Sorry game has been forwarded to me for response. Unfortunately, I do not have a phone number for you. Please contact me at 1-800-242-7276, ext. 5625, to discuss at your convenience.

Christine Meehan
Office of Corporate Compliance
Hasbro, Inc.

My letter to the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation

2008-11-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

November 4/2008
Dear Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old aspiring professional archeologist that has a bone to pick with you. More specifically, whichever production company you hired to create a dangerous and harebrained commercial about “Bingo”, a seductive lottery game your corporation offers to the gambling public. Sir, I am no stranger to gambling. Why, everywhere I go it seems like someone is shouting the word “slot”, which I take to be in reference to the self evident gambling arm I have developed from playing those Lucky 7 bad boys. I am getting off track here, so I will continue with my original candid observations.

I happened to be in the exact grocery store the day you were filming said commercial, where a woman was seated at a table in the store and is playing Bingo. She wins, ends up extremely excited and everyone lives happily ever after. However, Mr. Lottery and Gaming Corporation, we both know this is not how it really went down. The woman was mumbling like a buffoon to herself while I can only assume is trying to provide herself with the necessary luck to come out on top in her Bingo endeavor. “Victory’s in line with G 59” and “... getting my four corners on...” were audible from her mentally unstable seat. Sir, if I may be completely honest with you, as I write this and reminisce on what I had to endure that afternoon, listening to that daft and dippy maniac, she made me want to paper cut her with the four corners of this here letter. She looked like a boastful lunatic spinning through the grocery store aisles, and her haphazard cartwheel was tacky and unacceptable. Also, as a former Olympic gymnast, I can add that it wasn’t even executed correctly. But I digress. I was angered by her inhibitions, as she appeared completely oblivious to her surroundings and her inappropriate behavior was highly offensive. Her voice, her personality, her face.. that fanatical fruitcake was as proud as a peacock. All I wanted that day were some Omega 3 enriched eggs, soy milk, fresh vegetables, blueberries, some beta carotene pills, pounds and pounds of battered chicken wings, and three boxes of laxatives, and instead I left with no groceries, shot nerves, and a broken heart. That vile temptress strutted around with a verbose demeanor and a cocky attitude, and I demand retribution. Sir, there are many layers to this onion.

On a personal note, since I was unable to purchase the laxatives my colon had become so accustomed to, the constipation has lead to severe issues and without getting into too many sordid, unflattering details, I am awaiting a colonoscopy. But Mr. Lottery and Gaming Corporation, I implore you.. I know that medicine is far more advances nowadays, but I wonder if this colonoscopy could actually remove the embarrassment and dismay from the depths of my bowels. And my heart.

While we’re continuing down the road of personal adversity and misfortune, since being consumed by this commercial I have been forced to acknowledge the demons in my closet.. and admit that I have a gambling problem. I have checked myself into a 12 step rehabilitation program, and the outcome looks promising, but I was much happier swimming through the pond of oblivion. I’d like for your company to handle the cost of the colonoscopy, as well as the Omega 3 enriched eggs, soy milk, fresh vegetables, blueberries, some beta carotene pills, pounds and pounds of battered chicken wings, and three boxes of laxatives, and I’d like my dignity back. I’d like a second Bingo commercial immediately produced and executed specifically how I dictate. All it will include is Fred Savage and two American Gladiators of your choice, although I prefer Crush and Wolf, to apologize on behalf of the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation, and the health and safety hazardous schmo they decided to mistakenly hire. And somewhere towards the end, I’m going to need a dinosaur. Again, your pick. I think it would add the needed class everyone’s always talking about the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation is missing.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to your apology and subsequent presents

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: December 2/2008***

reply to your e-mail of November 8, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008 6:51 AM
From: "Wendy Butcher"
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com">sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Hello Sarah
Thank you for contacting us with your concerns. I am sorry to hear of your situation and would be interested in speaking with you. I am available Monday to Friday from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. You can reach me by calling collect at 705-946-6612.I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Wendy
Wendy ButcherCommunications
AssistantMarketing, Communications and Stakeholder Relations
Phone: 705-946-6612Fax: 705-946-6946
WButcher@OLG.CA

My letter to the Producer of "The Haunting of Molly Hartley"

2008-11-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

November 2/2008

Dear Liddell Entertainment, more specifically, Mickey Liddell,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I'm a 25 year old with a zest for life and a passion for spooky shenanigans. I took my boyfriend to see your heinous and ungodly attention seeking transparent money hungry attempt at wooing the fright seeking Halloween crowd, and if it wasn't for the delicious mouthfuls of popcorn I was consuming until the bitter end, I believe I would have given up in my smelly movie theatre chair two rows from the front of the screen, where I sat at an awkward angel and ended my life.

You see, Mr. Liddell, the synopsis of the movie had such potential. It had mystique, creativity, and the morbid fascination factor. On a more intimate note, I related to it on a personal level, because when I was born, I too died on the bathroom floor and my parents too made a pact with the Devil, where he would consume my soul at the tender age of 18. Mr. Liddell, this is a story close to my heart, and although I appreciate your attempt at portraying it on the big screen, I think that better preparations could have been made and there should have been more attention to detail. For example, my name is not Molly Hartley. It's Sarah Bertrand, as stated above. Also, my house did not look like that, I never dated Chace Crawford, and my mother never tried to stab me with a pair of scissors; she tried to scare the Devil out of me by hiding in the pantry, and jumping out screaming, and bursting a balloon in my face. I didn't talk to her for three days, and needless to say I didn't die of fright, but I know that she really loves me, and I appreciate the fact that she tried to save me from my inevitable fate. Putting that aside, Robert Hartley was a great father who you could tell really loved his daughter but he was over it pretty quickly when Molly was responsible for her mother plummeting over the bannister to her death, landing on a pair of scissors that pierced her heart. Which not only makes me question Robert's morals, but also the laws of physics.

Mr. Liddell, I am a bright, punctual, salacious, classy broad that enjoys thought provoking cinematic experiences that enrich my life in some way, whether it's through an emotional journey, an inspirational song someone performs, or me slipping my delicate yet sticky fingers into the ladies' purse next to me and taking all the hard earned money I can grab.
Mr. Liddell, you are not the only one to blame. John Travis clearly panicked during the last twenty five minutes of production because he drew a blank as to how he could end this bumbling bijou, and decided that the best thing to do would to take a character we had sympathized with the entire film, who was kind, and who made me want to nurture her and caudle her to my bosom and tell her everything was going to be ok, that those horrible visions of her mother would cease and she'd eventually stop getting locked in her bathroom and have the water stop running by itself and stop hearing those voices that called her name and stop getting nose bleeds and stop having panic attacks... *inhales deeply* and turn her into a raging insensitive brutish nincompoop harlot. I was down in the dumps, and one might say lost in a blue funk. My heart was heavy, with sadness and with guilt, wondering what I could have done more to prevent Molly from spiralling into the demonic abyss that inevitably became her fate.

Personal feelings aside, we need to discuss retribution. I'd appreciate $12.00 plus applicable taxes for the ticket I purchased, as well as $11.95 plus applicable taxes for the combo I needed to calm my nerves, and cure my boredom. I also had hoped that this went without saying, but I expect that as noble expression to the importance of your fans, fickle and otherwise, I'd have a major motion picture created based on my life as an aspiring journalist/poltergeist, and we could call it, The Jurassic Adventures of Sarah Bertrand. In A Park. We could find Jeff Goldblum to be my romantic interest, and Sarah Michelle Gellar could dress up like a dinosaur. I'd like to convene and discuss further business. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing back from you personally. Have a great weekend, and Happy Halloween!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to The Royal Ontario Museum

2008-11-22T07:49:00.000-08:00

October 18/2008

Dear Royal Ontario Museum,  

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I'm a fragile yet determined woman with a destiny that involves dinosaurs. Discovering them again, taming them, and one day writing a major motion picture that involves them somehow. Since it's never been done before, I'm working on copywriting a name.. so far, I'm thinking, Sarah Bertrand Park. Or, The Jurassic Adventures of Sarah Bertrand. In A Park.  

Anyhow, the reason I'm writing you this letter is to bring your attention to an issue that has been plaguing me for countless, sleepless hours. Last night I decided to combat the monotony of my life, I was going to venture to the Royal Ontario Museum for a magical and educational experience. I was shocked, dismayed, disgusted, appalled, and heartbroken at what a lunchbag letdown the experience truly was. I left feeling dejected, melancholy, embarrassed, bamboozled, and defeated, for the Royal Ontario Museum's sub par renovations did not justify the inflated prices.

My acquaintance Nadia Umadat and I had a query regarding the current status on the Royal Ontario Museum's Planetarium, and we asked staff at The Royal Ontario Museum and we were laughed at, and I truly feel in the cockles of my heart that we were mocked. We were also told The Planetarium was to be destroyed in the near future because the Royal Ontario Museum could not keep up with the Science Center, so needless to say as a result of that newfound information I was left feeling bewildered, discombobulated, distressed, and flustered. I sobbed for hours until I came to the conclusion that this was completely unacceptable, and as a patron to the Royal Ontario Museum for years, I would appreciate if this situation is immediately rectified. I would expect nothing less than a written apology from the esteemed Board of Directors, and compensation for my $11 ticket I purchased last night. If the Royal Ontario Museum has a time machine housed in the basement I'd also appreciate if you could give me back the time I frittered away last night that could have been spent doing other more productive things. Like scavenging for dinosaur remnants, sorting through old stamps, finding new concoctions to use in my sandwich maker, pairing lonely socks, and throwing out expired yogurt. I am sure this letter will be received and treated with all the legitimacy and genuine concern of a lady with big dreams and a broken heart.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to a response.

Sincerely, 
Sarah "The Dinosaur Whisperer" Bertrand

***REPLY: November 20/2008*** 

From: "General Inquiries"  To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com "Visit to the ROM"; "info@rom.on.ca"  

Good day Sarah,
Please be advised that we have received your correspondence and we will be sending your $11 refund to the home address at:  You should receive this next week.
Regards, Cheryl

***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $11.00 in the mail***