My letter to Milton Bradley

Dear Milton Bradley,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old-stay- at- home nanny who enjoys butterscotch pudding, Paddington Bear, and references to the color teal.

A few days ago, I made the mistake of feeling nostalgic. A mistake that I will regret for the rest of my days. I was working at the time, and had what Oprah would call an "A Ha!" moment. I thought to myself, "Sarah Bertrand," I thought. "Remember when your life had meaning?" And then I thought to myself, "Nope." And then I thought to myself, "'Guess Who?' was a really good board game." And then I deduced that on my break I should mission to Wal Mart and see if they carried said game. It reminded me of my childhood, and I missed my childhood. I'm so mature right now, I can't even remember what it felt like to be a child.

So when 1:00pm came, I scuttled my way out of the store, punching wildly and invading the customer's space, while I tried to maneuver the quickest route out of there. I absconded my way through the mall, directly into Wal Mart, and scampered off to the nostalgic treasure section.

Mr. Bradley, would you like to "Guess Who?" I found?? Well sir, it's not a "who", but a "what". The game, "Guess Who!" Obviously I snatched it off the shelf, and impressively tore my way over to the cash register, and then out into the mall, and back to my place of work. I couldn't wait to get this baby home, and reacquaint myself with all those familiar faces. I missed Charles the most. He reminded me of my Uncle Pat.

Milty.. can I address you as such? Well Milty, without going into too much detail, upon opening the package of the game and discovering it's disappointing contents, I decided that a letter is in order. Not only were the various pieces so shoddily constructed that it was virtually impossible to keep the game together and functioning without cards falling out, or hinges dislocating themselves (plus a missing score keeping piece, but by that time I was so over it that I didn't deem that a priority), but the FACES.. the faces. I have written a meticulous account of every single NEW (not appeasing my sense of nostalgia at all.. i didn't recognize anybody!) mugs, what I assumed their positions in life would be, and how they made me feel.

Danial (spelt really oddly): A creepy bus driver. The kind that leers after little boys, and yells at little girls. Also, I believe he probably listens to Enya, and punches walls.

Chris: A deadbeat, unambitious, elementary school dropout who still gets an allowance, and spends it on tiny action figures, and then proceeds to melt them.

Emily: She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire. And although I really liked that movie, and have a fondness for drag queens, she looks like the version of Mrs. Doubtfire that would probably be a sociopathic thief. She also looks like she has several cats with various maladies that range in severity, and I believe I'm safe in assuming that all these felines have names that start with either "Mr." or "Mrs." Is this a safe assumption, Milty?

Kyle: Looks like he attempted to start his own boy band, and failed.. because he's 37. He also looks like he's obsessed with his past, and regrets letting his mom deter him from being a professional baseball player.

Nick: An inadequate, impotent science teacher. The pervy one you hated in high school.

Ashley: Looks like the snobby jerk who's from the ghetto but tries to act exotic with a beret and flashy costume jewelry. She also looks like she lacks respect for herself and has misplaced her morals. She undoubtedly uses a fake accent, however, I cannot decide which type of accent I feel as though she uses.

David: Looks like he's stumbled into non Mennonite territory by accident, and is terrified. The only thing that seemingly calms him down are birds living in his beard, singing him a sweet melody.

Zachary: High strung and strung out virgin. Loves pastrami, and has a diaper fetish. He also looks constipated. Is he, Milton Bradley?

Matt: Poor Matt. I mean, it's not his fault that his wife cheated on him. With another woman. Ashley, to be more precise (the aforementioned Harlot). I'm fairly certain that Matt is Benjamin Button. I am more certain that he sits down to pee.

Alex: Overweight underachiever.

Jake: Huzzah! A homosexual magician! Probably with a sassy catchphrase. He loves bananas, and refers to himself as a Hulkamaniac.

Rachel: Pillpopper.

Sarah: Great name, struggling actress. In the meantime, she's a self hating librarian, and screams into her mirror at night.

Connor: Played too much Super Mario as a kid, and is searching for his life partner, Luigi.

Brandon: Running from obesity for his whole life, and doesn't trust himself.

William: "Surf's up!" This freeloading hippy liar makes me feel anxious and disappointed.

Jon: Preteen serial killer.

Joshua: Hey, is that Joshua? Yes. And he'll kill you. He also has a sexual fetish, with sauces.

James: I believe that James is actually a chocolate covered almond that was placed in this game by accident. A goatee was then thrown on as a lackluster apology. No one's head looks like that.

Joseph: Tranny riddled with anxiety.

Andy: Hey, do you like tax evasions? No? Andy does.

Tyler: Tyler's touching Kyle as I type.

Justin: Wears a stained wife beater, eats ketchup sandwiches, and beats his wife. He has given up on himself, and doesn't deserve the exposure.. just leave him alone.

Last, but not least..

Megan: Her indiscretions got her a great job. I can't be mad at that.

Well Mr. Bradley, my disappointment is unmistakeable, and completely founded, but I am sure that you have already come to that conclusion on your own. I expect a full refund of $18.96 plus applicable taxes, and every single current "Guess Who?" game to be taken off of store shelves, everywhere. I expect a new game constructed this instant, with the use of all of the old characters, and two new ones: Sarah Bertrand, and my grey domestic cat, Ned. I'll send pictures to aid the process. Ned is very fluffy. It's very important to me that this aspect of him is captured.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to a response immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***

Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 5:43 AM
From: This sender is DomainKeys verified"Hasbro Consumer Affairs"
Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Recently you submitted a question to our Consumer Affairs team. Below is a summary of your question and our response.

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

If your issue remains unresolved, please update this question here.

Subject
Guess Who board game

Discussion Thread
Response (Kerry Vaux) 09/23/2009 08:43 AM
Hi Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Hasbro, Inc.

We are very sorry to hear that you were not satisfied with your Guess Who game and can fully appreciate the disappointment caused. We pride ourselves on ensuring that our products are of the highest quality and we are concerned to learn that this game was unsatisfactory.

We will be happy to send a postage paid mailing label to assist you in returning the game to us along with your receipt. . Once we have received your game and receipt, and a refund will be issued to you less the tax.

Please be advised that we cannot accept responsibility for uninsured, lost or misdirected mail. To facilitate the process, please include a brief note explaining the problem with the product, along with your return address and phone number.

Sarah, we appreciate having the opportunity to assist you. We hope you and your family will enjoy our products for many years to come.
***
re: Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 6:28 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details
To: "Hasbro Consumer Affairs"

Dear Milton Bradley, or Kerry Vaux- Bradley,

Huzzah! Such a prompt and diplomatic response! "Guess Who?"!! It's Sarah Bertrand! Did you enjoy my approach? Did I make you giggle? Even a little bit? I hope so. I appreciate your offer to refund my hard earned money, however I have misplaced the receipt. I had it on the computer table for two weeks, and my girlfriend did a "big clean", and then it went missing. I'm not blaming her for it being gone (I already told her that), but I am saying that it was definately there before she cleaned, and now it's not. Perhaps I should get a decorative container for my receipts. Or a file folder. There wouldn't be very many receipts in it though, so maybe just a sandwich bag. Like a ziploc. I'll have to remember to pick some up.

Alas, I am getting off track. I'm saddened and perplexed as to why my simple request at the personalized "Guess Who?" game could not come into fruitation.. I had already told my family (extended as well) that I had made myself into an overnight success, and they should expect very impressive and prestigious early Christmas presents. I assumed the game would be on the shelves by early next week. There is already a huge demand for this product. I just don't understand, Milton Bradley. You have disappointed a lot of Bertrands. Not to mention friends of Bertrand's.

I guess, since I don't have a receipt anymore, the only logical thing to do would be to go out, and re-purchase another "Guess Who?" sub par board game from Wal Mart. Maybe they'll have jacked up the price this time, so I'll get even more money back from you guys. God I'm so smart!! Maybe I'll quit my job and make a living getting refunds for products I've purchased. I'd better go now and try and figure out how to patent my idea. Thanks for being so accommodating and nice.

Toodles!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Red Lobster

Dear Red Lobster,

Salutations! My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old crustacean lover, who enjoys garlic butter, seamen, and watching food I'm about to consume in it's last afflicted moments of life.

I just finished grazing upon a scrumptious meal at your Yonge and John location, and I am stuffed! I enjoyed a medley of flavours, namely seafood, mashed potatoes, and one and a half buns. It was like Jesus himself had punched me in the mouth with a hug. And garlic shrimp.

I wanted to congratulate you on the impeccable positioning of your live lobsters (right smack dab as soon as you enter the establishment.) It's such a great idea. I always find myself saying, after fine dining, "God, that chicken was so tasty. I just wish I got to see an overzealous morbid display before I ate it. For example, a gaggle of rabid hens tearing through the restaurant in all their glory, feathers flying, skittering over my feet so I can truly see their personalities, thus being able to determine which fowl to devour."

I shall immediately begin a crusade in restaurants across Canada, to implement mandatory animal showcasing before ingesting. Not being able to see my dinner before feasting is just tacky.

You are delicious, Mr. Lobster. Thank you, and goodnight.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Dini Petty

Dear Dini Petty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure hunter who enjoys costume jewelry, couscous, and bargains. Recently I was on a treasure hunting expedition at a local secondhand book store, when I came across a novel that struck my fancy. It was entitled, "In Her Shoes", by Jennifer Weiner. There was a movie made about this particular book (of the same name), starring Toni Collette and Cameron Diaz. This, Mrs. Petty, is neither here nor there.

As you can imagine, I snatched the book up, skedaddled over to the counter, and flung it down in a fit of panic and validation, much to the surprise of the cashier. I was a sweaty, euphoric mess. With tears streaming down my face, I purchased that novel, with a filthy wadded up five dollar bill. As I gleefully skipped out of the store with my brand new secondhand sensational find, I didn't think there was anything else in the world that could have happened to me (that day) to equal the level of elation that I was experiencing through the discovery of Mrs. (or Ms.) Weiner's piece.

That, Dini Petty, was an erroneous statement that I had made privately in my head, if there ever was one. Because as I opened the book for the first time, what fell out is something so unbelievable, I am still in a state of shock. What fell out of that book, Dini Petty, was... your signature. On a BBS cardboard autograph card. With your picture. That you had written on. Foolishly used as a bookmark.

THE LUCK!!!

Not only did I lack a bookmark altogether (before I had bought this book), but I had also lacked any sort of Dini Petty memorabilia in my house! Until now! I was awestruck. Exhilarated. Pleased as punch. Frenzied even, for good fortune had punched me in the face with something tangible that you had penned.

Thank you Dini Petty. Thank you for your talk show, and thank you for existing. You covered groundbreaking issues, and had on incredible musicians, such as The Moffatts and Shania Twain. Also, remember when Julian Lennon was slamming Yoko Ono on your show? That was a little awkward. But you handled it like a seasoned professional.

I am allowing my excitement to sidetrack me; for this I apologize. The reason for this letter is one tinged with a selfish motive. I have a favour to ask of you, Dini Petty. Although this autograph card now sits framed on my night table, and my level of appreciation towards you is so intense I should be ashamed of myself.. unfortunately I think that I could appreciate it that much more if it was personally autographed. To me. Like you wanted me to have it. Sarah Bertrand, 25 year old daydreamer and nostalgic talk show enthusiast. I would be honoured to proudly display your name and photo, along with my name somewhere on the photo, and a witty and inspirational inscription. Something along the lines of people like me (or me personally), being the reason that you got into the industry in the first place, and to keep reaching for the stars because you can already tell that I'm going to make it in whichever endeavours I choose to pursue. I have a really great frame already waiting for it.. it's shiny and black and 8 by 10.

I thank you again Dini Petty, for your secret selfless quest to make sure that a simple girl with big dreams such as myself, had a really good day. I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Softpedia, makers of The Noodle Eater's Hair Guard

Dear Softpedia,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old woman who enjoys spackle, semi professional photography, and trading recipes.

I recently came across your ingenious invention, The Noodle Eater's Hair Guard, and immediately began preparing a package of Mr. Noodle for consumption. I haven't even received my Noodle Eater's Hair Guard in the mail yet, so you can ascertain my level of excitement! Huzzah! Finally, a reason to start eating carbs again!!

You, Softpedia, would not believe the amount of money I have been needlessly dispensing on hair ties, barrettes, clips, and the like. Imagine me, a sophisticated important business woman, getting an expensive haircut or style (to be worn down), and having to go to an important elegant dinner where pasta is being served. Put my hair in a ponytail?? NO THANKS! Why, I'd rather strap a doily to my face and eat with class. No more pesky strands of hair threatening the deliciousness of my meal.

Softpedia, you have given me, and many others like myself, a new lease on life. Now meal time won't be such a stressful event. Instead of dining hour consisting of me eating popsicles while lying on my back (because really, that's the safest route to go when you don't want to be hassled with pulling your hair back into a ponytail), now I can pretty much smash whatever I want into my face, free of embarassment!

Two questions: does it come in any color other than salmon? Also, will it work for red meat, exotic fruits, and Jello?

Thank you, Softpedia. I look forward to my exciting mealtime apparatus making it's way onto my delicate face. Until then, I shall famine.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

http://barfblog.foodsafety.ksu.edu/2009/01/articles/food-safety-communication/katie-filion-fashion-meets-function-with-the-noodle-eaters-hair-guard/

My letter to Comfort Wipe

***PLEASE WATCH http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crfGXmxJ1vM FIRST***


Dear Comfort Wipe,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old interpretive dancer who enjoys reminiscing about '80's trends, building modest towers out of Jello cubes, and maintaining her self respect.

By the grace of God, I recently came across your commercial for "Comfort Wipe" on youtube, and was struck with the urge to contact you immediately. As the one minute and forty seconds slowly ticked by on your outstanding advertisement chronicling how regular toilet paper wiping is so "last year", your solution that the only logical solution would be to attach some to a acrylic stick contoured to what you would assume someone's rear is shaped as was nothing short of brilliant. I was left with a taste in my mouth I cannot describe. Wait.. I'll try. That taste was shock. Nay, shock mixed with confusion, and relief.

As you state in your commercial, for "over one hundred years, we have been scrunching and folding toilet paper." I thought that I was the only person in existence that is tired of suffering with painstaking conventional ways to wipe myself. How is a lady such as myself supposed to function normally, knowing that every time she has to go to the bathroom, the sheer panic that grips her bladder at the thought of what to do with the toilet paper, just isn't worth it in the end. Sometimes, I would rather soil myself than have to worry about proper paper protocol. The anxiety attacks that derive from the unreasonable folding, bunching tissue debacles inevitably leaves me feeling depressed, and dysfunctional.

Heck, I've tried several things to make the process go by more smoothly, but nothing works. Origami toilet paper animals, decorative tissue paper normally used to embellish small to medium sized presents, I've even thought about constructing some sort of complicated contraption (possibly with a motor), to ease the process, but so far I only have blueprints.
The only thing that makes "Comfort Wipe" more appealing is the reasonable price of $19.99 plus applicable taxes. I know you guys say it's a $40 value, but I truly believe that you have lowballed yourselves.

"Place tissue and use, press and release soiled tissue, and toss!" It's as easy as one, two, weird! I have ordered a "Comfort Wipe", and refuse to use toilet paper in any other fashion until I receive it in the mail.
Thank you, people at "Comfort Wipe". You are the truly the unsung heroes of today.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Laura Secord

Dear Laura Secord,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old sugar enthusiast, who has a zest for life; as well as post holiday sales.

First of all, thank you so much for running across those fields to tell those guys about the war, like you did in that commercial. You are brave, and make delicious treats.

Secondly, I am writing to inform you of a forlorn and devastating situation that occured today with myself, as well as my manager, Sarah Butt (no relation). I have just taken a break from consoling her, but I do not know how long I have before she resumes her catastrophic downward spiral into the hopeless void of depression.

Allow me to explain.

She is unable to cease sobbing hysterically, nor will she stop smashing the heads off of any chocolate rabbits, chicks, roosters, or any other defenseless animal she can get her disappointed digits on.

Today we raced to your store at the Scarborough Town Centre location. We were salivating with glee at the thought of decadent treasures being stuffed into our delicate mouths. Alas, our dreams were dashed, and our hearts were shattered into 17 pieces, as a woman (she resembled a "Babs" or "Sheila") thrust her negative cloud of moodiness and despair onto us.

Sarah Butt was so overwhelmed with elation this morning as she tumbled out of bed, excited to see what the Easter Bunny had left behind for her. At your store. However, as we entered your chocolate haven, and were greeted by Sheila, Sarah excitedly screamed at her that you, Laura Secord, were the first thought on her mind this morning. You, your store, and your annual post Easter holiday Peter Rabbit treat sale. Babs then spat at her, with a degrading and judgemental tone, "That's sad. Really sad." My friend felt, dejected, bamboozled, and overwhelmed with humiliation.

Now Laura. I haven't even told you about the woman who unnecessarily bought every single one of your chocolate marshmallow treats , or the gentlemen who was silently judging us from behind the counter as we pranced excitedly from one display to another. We could get over that stuff. But this.. this is where we had to draw the line. We are simply not okay with what you've taught your employees an acceptable level of customer service should consist of. You were supposed to be a legend. Now, you've just conceded to sub par, inappropriate business behaviour, and you've made a mockery of everything you formerly stood for. Bravery, and chocolate.

I had to drag Sarah out of your store by the collar of her shirt, as she stood there spinning, throwing her arms in the air, and chanting, "Why is this happening to me??" I sincerely hope this matter can be corrected immediately. I will assume you will be sending us the items in your fall catalogue.. we don't enjoy anything with a fruity cream filling. I will also assume Babs will be dealt with accordingly; I would deem dressing her in a festive unitard and parading her through the mall necessary.

Thank you for your time, and the $18 worth of chocolate that Sarah ended up buying anyway in the end. It was delicious. Also, I did a project on you in elementary school. I got in trouble from my teacher when I told her I never understood why you were so strongly linked to chocolate. Could you please email Mrs. McKercher and explain the connection to her, while asserting that she was out of line in her discipline?

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Simple Plan

Dear member of French Canadian "pop punk" band Simple Plan,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure troll enthusiast who enjoys listening to music being sung in a manner that is appropriate to the musicians ages, taking online surveys with the promise of a possible cash prize at the end, and oregano.

Let me set the scene for you, Simple Plan. I was at my desk at work, searching for recipes that I can use tonight that involve a crock pot that my mother bequeathed upon me for Christmas. She keeps asking me how it works and I say, "Great!" and then she asks me, "Does the dial have minutes on it? Or settings for heat? Or have you taken it out of the box yet? What color is it, Sarah Bertrand?" and then I hang up the phone. I suppose if I make her a pot roast, maybe that will alleviate some of her disappointment. I decided to try and find new music to upload onto my pink I-Pod Nano, and that is when, Simple Plan, I came across your latest song, "Save You." At least I think it's your newest song. It literally sounds exactly like anything I've ever heard you put out in the past; self indulgent "teenage" angst where you can literally *hear* the amount of eyeliner you're wearing in your voice.

I don't want to start rumours, but I heard when you released, "I'm Just A Kid", your band's ages ranged from 36-53. I have realized something groundbreaking that I need to share with you. Simple Plan is eerily reminiscient of Beverly Hills, 90210. I will explain.

You see, in Beverly Hills 90210, pre marriage consummation is a rampant theme throughout each season. This promotes the feeble and vulnerable youth not only to not respect themselves, but glorifies irresponsibility and a false sense of immunity against consequences.

Simple Plan promotes irresponsibility in their videos, more specifically, in "Perfect". You were all whining your sorrows about acceptance and possibly an increase in your allowance (I didn't quit catch the end of the video) into the unforgiving night air (again with heavy, heavy eye makeup). You all are performing your bubblegum pop power ballad on the rooftop of a house that clearly has a shaky foundation. How many lawsuits has this video resulted in, Simple Plan? Irresponsibility, immunity against obvious impending doom, as well as you all had to have acknowledged your newfound lack of dignity after you realized the dramatic, intense eye makeup you allowed your stylists to cake onto your misunderstood emo eyelids. So much make up. Honestly.

I guess it could probably go without saying (but I will say it) that Luke Perry was in his late twenties when he was playing the role of a rebellious teen on the cast of 90210. You guys keep releasing variations of a song you once wrote about being melacholy, dejected and being a teenager, oh ya and something about eyeliner. Let's keep it real, Simple Plan: you are not a teenager. I respect that you're catering to your only fan base.. the fan base of children that like to think they're hardcore for liking "rock" music, so they boast of being fans of Good Charlotte, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, however this needs to stop. Perhaps hook up with an adult contemporary producer, purchase some sweater vests, and contact MuchMore Music. You know that feeling when you're sitting cross legged for too long, and you try to stand up but your leg hurts so bad, like pins and needles, so you start shaking it and smacking it, and it hurts but you'll do whatever you can to make that numb feeling go away, and actually be able to "feel" again? Well that's what I experience when I accidentally catch one of your lackluster diddy on the radio. Only instead of my leg being numb, it's my heart, Simple Plan. My heart.

I hope these suggestions and critiques were not too harsh. Take them with a grain of salt, and a cotton make up pad dab of the eye region, but with the legitimacy of a girl with a chip on her shoulder, and somewhat honorable intentions.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand