"Fifty Shades of Gay" was a hit!

Thank you so much to everyone who came out to support me yesterday, for my grad show at The Second City. Fifty Shades of Gay exceeded my expectations, and made for an awesome afternoon. Although I'm sad that my classes at The Second City are over, I'm so excited for future ventures and projects. Sunday, September 23rd, Inapark Productions will have a booth at The Word On the Street Festival in downtown Toronto. This will be the first time that my second book, Sketch, will be available. It's based on my year at The Second City. It's full of all the sketches I've done, a few letters, some extras, and little stories and intros to my work. Also, September 27th, from 7:30pm- 9:30pm, will be the official book launch of Sketch, at the Glad Day Bookshop. This will be a fun, really neat night full of sketch comedy, special guests, music and drinks. Please mark your calendars; all of your support is so important to me.

"Jane", and "Cassandra", from my sketch "Jane", that was performed in "Fifty Shades of Gay".

Ermahgerd!

"Fifty Shades of Gay."

Please come out to my grad show at The Second City Toronto, this Sunday at 3pm. It's a year's worth of work, and a sneak peak into my second book, "Sketch", which will be available at the end of September. I'm super proud of this show, all the writers are hilarious, and the actors are tremendously talented. Come out, have some drinks, food, and enjoy an afternoon of really funny sketch comedy.

My letter to Vince Offer; The Schticky.

Dear Vince Offer,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 28 year old optimist who enjoys caesars, infomercials, and neat penmanship. 

I have followed you through the ShamWow, the Slap Chop, and now to the Schticky. I am a huge fan of yours. Even though the Slap Chop was the most useless kitchen contraption I had ever went against my better judgement and purchased, I still support you and enjoy watching your antics on television. By the way, the Slap Chop actually makes preparing meals significantly more difficult, when you have to scrape bits of food that have collected from inside the blades. You should market it as a diet aid, because it acts as a magician and literally hides the food from you. The food vanishes.

It is a terrible invention.

They now sell them at Dollarama exclusively. And the shelf was full, Vince. I digress though, because I have moved past it.

Four days ago, for $15.24, I purchased the Schticky; a two piece reusable lint roller set. The commercial was just so ridiculous, I had to have it. It boasts, "Clean in a quicky with schticky!", on the package. That is a very ambitious claim, Vince. Although it does rhyme, I would like to point out all the ways in which this is a blatant, vicious lie.

The things you choose to "schticky" are irrational. Cat hair, okay. But cereal and money?? What happened to a dust pan, or your hands? What are you teaching your child if it spills cereal on the floor, and instead of making it tidy it's own mess, you say, That's okay Junior! I'll just roll adhesive over it! There are no consequences to creating a rat's nest where you dwell.

Even the cover of the Schticky box pictures lint rolling what looks like coffee grounds. Do you think we're all fools, Vince? Everyone knows that this task would be much easier to perform with a cloth.

Although shock value is rarely funny, I will not deny that your tacky commercial is hilarious. But, for something that claims to have a ten year limited warranty, I feel cheated and chagrined. I despise feeling chagrin. I used it within reason, to test it's fortitude, and in four days your shoddy invention sprung loose from it's hinges every single time I used it. The icing on the proverbial cake was that the roller  has started peeling at the corners. This is unacceptable, from such a reputable Entrepreneur such as yourself.

I don't think it's unreasonable to request my $15.24 back, and a written apology from you personally, Mr. Offer. 

I thank you for your time, and look forward to your prompt response.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

***

re: The Schticky [983585:3381279]

Wednesday, August 15, 2012 12:32 PM

From:

"Schticky"

Add sender to Contacts

To:

"Sarah Bertrand"

Dear Sarah Bertrand,

We apologize that you feel cheated and chagrined. If you are unhappy with the product and wish to get a refund or a replacement take it back to the original place of purchase. Your concern has been forwarded to Corporate for review. Should Corporate decide to get in contact with you they will do so. Have a wonderful day.


Schticky
www.schticky.com
(877) 378-8211
6am-5pm P.S.T Mon-Fri

Diary of A Bertrand Cat.

If my cats had a diary, by the look of things when I got home today, this is what I believe it would have said:

"Today I napped on the book shelf. And then I pooped on the book shelf. And then I napped on the bath mat."

- Binx

"I hate it when Mom leaves. I opened up all of the cupboards, and pulled out the Pledge, to show her that she can't do that to me. Then I yelled at the rats. Someone dropped papers through the door. It took me a long time to come down from that one. I gotta go find Binx; I hate it when he's not as mad as I am about things."

-Ned

(My cats obviously have impeccable grammar and spelling.)

List of Talents I Wish I Had.

List of Talents I Wish I Had:

- juggling

- levitating

- splits

- contortionist

- insomnia (so I could be more productive)

- figure skater

- be a decent interpretive dancer

- photographic memory

- putting on makeup

- being a comedy writer

- pulling off neon colors

- being able to wear feminine clothes without people questioning my gender

- invisibility, or shrinking down during uncomfortable moments (these are all talents! Think about it)

- Good Will Hunting

Sunday, August 19th at 3pm, "50 Shades of Gay" performed at The Second City mainstage! Please please come out and support. It's the grad show myself and my classmates have been  working towards for a year. "Jane", one of my favorite scenes from "Sketch" coming out in September, is being performed. I'm extremely proud of everything about this show, and would love the support. It's pay what you can at the door, and you can order food and drinks, and I'd be beyond grateful if you can come out.
Thanks guys.
Sincerely,
Sarah B