My letter to Joe Rogan, and Fear Factor

Dear Joe Rogan,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 28 year old adventurer, who enjoys feeling safe, reality television, and almonds.

My girlfriend and I were recently watching the hit television show that you host, Fear Factor. I was shocked at the unreasonably dangerous and neverending challenges of one of the obstacles. I was riddled with emotion; fear, factors, anxiety, foreboding, hunger, and then awe. These people were pushed far past their physical and mental limits, and they triumphed! Hurray! The creative department at Fear Factor should be commended. Since I'm sure I won't be allowed to reward them with a lingering hug, I thought maybe I could ease their work load by providing them with their next challenge.

It will begin in a sectioned off field. Poisonous, illegal snakes will be slithering around. The contestant will be forced to kiss one, and then they will receive a key. Then, there will be a woman standing by, who is nine months pregnant. The contestant will have to perform a c section on them. The baby will then hand them another key. After this, they will then be forced to eat a worm. Once the worm is fully disgested (this will be a lengthy challenge), hit them with the Wild Card... their mother! The contestant's mother will enter the set, and they will be forced to tell her a shocking secret. Once the secret is told, their mother will give them a key. They will then have to run through a pit of ragweed (without allergy medication), and keys will just be thrown at them. At the end of the pit will be the baby that was just delivered, in a basket. There will also be a barrel of fire, full of keys. They will punch the baby in the face, and swear at the fire. The contestant will collect all the keys, and take them to a giant locked box. Inside the box will be one trillion dollars. They will have thirty seconds to choose the right key. The trick? All the keys are the same! And the money is fake.

Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah B