Adele Goes To Wal Mart.

I'm in the midst of writing my second book, "My Year At The Second City", and as a preview, I thought I'd share one of my sketches, "Adele Goes To Wal Mart". This book will be out at the end of August, and will chronicle all of the sketches I did while I took sketch comedy writing classes at The Second City in downtown Toronto. It will include introduction stories into the mindset and motivation behind each sketch, and showcase a year of comedy writing that I'm really proud of. (Oh ya, try and read Adele's parts in a British accent, yeh?)


Adele Shops At Wal Mart
July 6, 2012

Wal Mart Worker:
Hi there, welcome to Wal Mart. Oh my Gosh... are you Adele??!

Adele:
Uh, yeh. Hi, nice to meet you.

Wal Mart:
Oh my God. I can't believe this. I love your music! My mother's going to die when I tell her I met you!

*pulls out phone and holds up to Adele*

Can you pose for a picture?!

Adele:
*puts on sunglasses and looks around uncomfortably*

Uh, I'm going to be honest with you, I'm really shy, and humble, and I'd prefer not to make a big deal about this please, yea? I just need to get a few things. Thank you for your support.

Wal Mart:
Oh, okay of course. I'm so sorry. Please let me know if you need any
help, anything at all.

Adele:
Do you like working here?

Wal Mart:
It's not bad. Initially I got into it for a bit of extra cash, and the women. You know, that's so nice that you took the time to ask me
that. Not many people seem to really care...

Adele:
Nothing like being a multiple Grammy winning recording artist though. Like me.

Wal Mart:
Well, I guess not. We get discounts though. And decorative buttons for our vests. Those are kinda cool. Sometimes it’s exciting; with the falling prices.

Adele:
Yeh? Good sales?

Wal Mart:
No, the other day one of the sales signs came unhinged from the ceiling. Fell right onto a child.

Adele:
*nods, and briefly browses*

Is that my song playing?

Wal Mart:
There's no music on...

Adele:
Oh, well, I'm sure one will come on soon, yeh. They're very popular.

Wal Mart:
Oh, what…

Adele:
Yeh yeh, very demure. And grateful. I do need your help, mate.

Wal Mart:
*unimpressed* Okay, what can I get for you?

Adele:
Well since you've offered

*sings to the tune of Rolling In The Deep*
I need to get a puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurse, I need to make it deeeeeeeeeeeeeep, it has to hold my stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuff, and I need it, to be cheap.

beat

Wal Mart:
Wow I can't believe I'm witnessing this. Can you do that again?! Leave it as my answering machine message?!

Adele:
Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but I already told you that I'm trying to keep a low profile.

Wal Mart:
Sorry. It`s just that, you started singing what you could have just as easily asked me in a normal speaking voice... so, I thought that you changed your mind. But you`re right. I`m so sorry. Please don`t tell my manager, this is my first week. I guess I`m just a little starstruck. It won`t happen again. The purses are on the upper level; there`s a whole section you can`t miss, next to the perfume.

Adele:
Right yea, thanks bloke. You know, it`s a miracle I can even speak, after my vocal surgery. So... I`m a miracle.

Wal Mart:
Right. Yea, I mean, I think all your fans were really concerned…

Adele:
Your welcome.

Wal Mart:
Pardon?

Adele:
For the two cds. 19, and 21. The two cds I released. Weren't you just going to thank me?

Wal Mart:
You know what? I'm sorry. I think I just heard them page me. I have to go answer the call.

Adele:
Oh, I need some salad dressing, and hair dye. Where are they located?

Wal Mart:
Lower level. *starts to walk away*

Adele:
Hey! Excuse me! Adele needs your help! I need lipstick as well.

Wal Mart:
*sing to the tune of Rumor Has It*

Rumor has it cosmetics are in aisle four.

Beat

*starts to walk away*

Good luck with your next numbered album... really original...

Adele:
*sings to the tune of Someone Like You*

Nevermind, I'll find my own shampoooooooo... I hope they sell the conditioonneerrrr tooooooo...

black