Talk Show sketch.

I'm going away for a week to Prince Edward Island with my girlfriend, so I'm prematurely posting an update. This is a preview of what Sketch is about. It will be available Sunday, September 23, at the Word On The Street Festival.

***

*applause, lights turn up*

Alan Shutter:

“Hi there, and thanks for joining us for another episode of MediocriTV. I’m Alan Shutter, and today our guest is Deb Roper. Deb is a self-professed animal lover, who brought us in her pet leopard gecko for us to learn about and enjoy. Hi Deb, thanks for coming in!”

Deb Roper:

“Hi there. Welcome to ‘Monkeying Around, with Deb Roper.’ I’m Deb Roper.”

Beat

Alan Shutter:

“Okay. So, Deb, why don’t you tell us about this little guy.”

Deb Roper:

*holding gecko* “Well Alan, this is Freddie Mercury. He’s a seven year old leopard gecko, which is a lizard. He eats small insects, and never vegetables. He likes water, Queen, and being warm.”

Alan Shutter:

“Hey, sounds like a personal ad!

Beat

Alright.  He’s neat. *smiles, looking at Freddie*

Deb Roper:

“Don’t.”

Alan Shutter:

“Excuse me?”

Deb Roper:

“Do not. Look. Directly into his eyes.”

Alan Shutter:

“Oh. I’m sorry. Are they vicious? Poisonous?”

Deb Roper:

“No. Worse. They can put you in a trance.”

Alan Shutter:

“A trance.

Beat

I don’t think that’s true at all.”

Deb Roper:

“He likes calcium enriched sand, he can… ummm… survive in land, water, and fire…”

Alan Shutter:

“Alright. Okay, you know what,

*looks behind him, disgusted*

I went to college. I don’t have any debt, my BMI is above average, I can’t do this anymore. This is ridiculous. Every week…”

Black

*lights up, applause*

Alan Shutter:

“Hi there, I’m Alan Shutter and you’re watching MediocriTV.

*looks at guest*

Irene, thanks so much for joining us today. Irene is a columnist from…”

*extends hand to Irene for her to finish his sentence*

Irene Burby:

*clears throat* “Hi. Hi Alan.

*clears throat*

So, you, you’ve finally managed to ask out that unattainable hottie from, from that bar.

*clears throat*

You go, girlfriend.

*wipes forehead*

So, everything is perfect, except, the conversation! It’s… it’s dull. *clears throat, whispers*

Ohhh… Goddd…

*clears throat*

Don’t fret. Just follow these simple instructions, and your date will be back on track faster than you can say,

*clench teeth* Why is this happennninnnnnggg.

Brag. Men love confidence. Brag about how much money you make, how many people you've slept with, swimming badges, baseball trophies, don't leave anything out.

*clears throat*

By the end of your rant, he'll be swooning. Just don't waste time asking him about himself; this message conveys that you really care about him getting to know the real you.”

Alan Shutter:

*jaw hangs open, eyes narrowed at Irene*

Irene Burby:

“Sincerely,

*smoothes hair behind ears, clears throat* Irene Burby.”

Alan Shutter:

“Are you f…”

Black

*lights up, applause*

Alan Shutter:

“Hi.

*looks at chair next to him*

Okay, seriously, what is this?”

Producer:

*from the background, pleasantly*

“It’s a kite, Alan.”

Alan Shutter:

“A kite. I’m supposed to interview a kite.”

Producer:

“The weather’s getting nicer, and we’ve had quite a bit of wind the past few days.”

Alan Shutter:

*clearly irritated*

“I don’t understand what you want me to do right now.”

Producer:

“It’s picnic weather.

Beat

And, you’ve ostracized every other guest. So, you have a kite now.”

Alan Shutter:

Beat

*looks around, exhales, slumps back in chair*

Black

*lights up, applause*

Alan Shutter:

*cheery* “Hi there, this is Mediocri TV with Alan Shutter. This morning’s guest is Deb Roper, Animal Expert. Hi Deb, what have you got for us today?”

Deb Roper:

*slowly puts feet up underneath her on chair, looks around panicked* “Tuck your pants into your socks, Alan.”

*Alan slowly puts feet up and underneath him on chair too, looking around in an uncomfortable panicked manner*

Black