Inapark Does Porn.

Dear Rogers,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 29 year old writer. I enjoy the services that your company has provided me with over the years, and am writing you tonight because I have been working on a project that I believe you might be interested in.
Because Rogers is a distinctive, massive media provider, I would like to present you with a honest look into the world of candid, genuine art. For too long, society has been force fed inaccurate, preposterous, and irresponsible pornography. I believe that a sobering view into what really happens in the bedroom is long overdue. I now present to you, Sassafras and Vivian: An Intimate Realistic Journey Of Love, and Pie. (This script could be easily fashioned into a made for TV movie.)

(off camera: hear the sound of teeth being brushed, and someone spitting into sink)

Vivian:

"Hey Sass! I'm really excited that we're going to be intimate tonight."

Sassafras:

(off camera)

"Are the cats off of the bed?"

(Vivian pauses; cat is obviously already in her arms. She kisses his head.)

Sassafras:

(peeks out)

"I don't understand why the cat has to be in bed with us, all the time. I really don't."

Vivian:

"But he's so cozy. Now come on, Lover, I have to be up early."

Sassafras:

"Alright, Lover. Get ready for the thunder."

(Sassafras crawls over Whiskers, and into bed with Vivian. Sass is wearing fleece, plaid pyjamas. Vivian is wearing a tool belt. They start "doing it. Sass's phone rings; Vivian looks over to see who's calling.)

Vivian:

"Is that your mother again?!"

Sass:

"Don't start, Viv."

Vivian:

"She hates me. I have a headache."

Sass:

"Did you eat the last piece of pie?"

Viv:

"What? No."

(They continue being intimate, although it is obvious that Sass is distracted.)

Sass:

"I'm sorry, I just can't stop thinking about that pie. I won't be able to refocus until I've had a smidge. Can you please go get me a slice?"

Viv:

"Are you serious?"

Sass: 

"I am. Now it's in my head, and I'm worried I'm going say things out loud about it."

(Viv obliges, but is visibly irritated. When Viv comes back, there are six Glade candles lit, vanilla,
providing a romantic ambience. "Let's Have A Kiki" is playing in the background. )

Viv:

"Sass! You didn't really need water and pie! You're so romantic!"

Sass: 

"No, I do want those things. But I also wanted to make you feel special. And I was trying to non verbally apologize for not shaving my legs."

Viv:

"It's so bright, and really warm. My allergies are so bad tonight."

(Sass rolls over and exhales in a familiar, defeated manner. Camera pans to night table; sexy music is playing. Kenny G. Kleenex, a bottle of water, puffer, lube, Ciprolex and cat treats occupy the antique wood.)