Dear Mattel,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am an ambitious 31 year old Warehouse Supervisor, writer, and unapologetic romantic. (I recently read an article where a local jazz artist referred to as this in a review, and I’ve been desperate ever since to have this description associated with my name.)
I believe that with everything that’s going on in the world right now, people are trying to cope by seeking comfort. More specifically, a strong, handsome role model for their children to look up to. Someone ordinary, and non threatening. Mediocrity has its charms, amiright?
So cast away the Tamagotchis, and put those Pogs aside for another day. (I have allowed my age to show. These are still things, no?) Because right now, I’d like to introduce to you, the Sarah Bertrand action figure collection! An Average Joe that your kids can relate to. They will come with collectible info cards inside, with tiny bios and fun facts. Like Sarah B is allergic to feline saliva, or when Sarah B was five she got lost at the Exhibition following a Popples robot.
Meet Original Sarah B.
She comes with a bottle of Shiraz, a pen, and a roll of stick on tattoos. Accessories are sold separately, but she really wouldn’t be complete without her assorted ball caps, two cats, and a puffer.
Hold on a second! Is that Achievement Sarah B?? Wow she sure does have a lot of achievements! Comes with dress pants from Suzy Shier, 7 out of a possible 12 swimming badges, an ordination certificate, and a college Diploma. There’s also the option to purchase her Dream Bookstore, but be warned that the door comes sealed shut. This is for Sarah to just stand outside sending them emails from her blackberry, telling random jokes to passerbys.
Totally 30 Sarah B.
This was a terrible birthday. But so are most 30th birthdays?! Follow Sarah right to the dingy karaoke bar, and hold her hair back while she struggles to accept that life plans never work! Comes with a karaoke microphone, festive pasteries, and a backpack missing her wallet.
Party Sarah B.
Watch out Gay Village, Sarah Bertrand’s in party mode! Comes with red button up plaid shirt with complementary bowtie, Advil, a bottle of water, and a bottle of whiskey. Possessing Ninja Chop action, Sarah B comes with a sheet of excuses for work the next morning, and taxi cab with disgruntled driver sold separately.
Super Femme Sarah B.
Is that a real girl? Judge along with society as Super Femme Sarah B keeps you guessing. Adorned with a drag wig and eyeliner, “she” comes with a brush, Chapstick, and her Grade 8 grad dress with shoes prestuffed with Kleenex.
Straight Sarah B.
Comes with a Leonardo DiCaprio 5’10, a Ninja Turtle boyfriend to bring to prom, eyeshadow that you have to help her with, and straightened hair.
Gay Sarah B
Also comes with plaid button up (blue this time), bowtie, 2 cats, Ellen DeGeneres stand up VHS from the early 90s, and a Bif Naked mix tape.
Moderation Sarah B.
Comes with Joan Bertrand, and a picture of Jesus.
Throwback Sarah B.
For 20 years Sarah Bertrand played baseball at an impressive level. Then she discovered beer and women. Come relive her youth with her! Comes with baseball glove, and a promising career in radio broadcasting! Adorned with silver shotbead necklace, and a plastic hair bun.
Catholic School Sarah B.
Is Sarah Bertrand wearing a bonnet?! She sure is. (And watch your tone, it’s still a hat!) Comes with Communion cracker, a Gameboy for when the Priest gets too much, and a rosary.
Athletic Sarah B
Comes with knee high socks and full baseball garb, a volleyball, baseball bat, a case of Red Bull, a bench, and a bottle of Naproxen.
Crazy Cat Lady Sarah B.
Comes with a laser pointer, and an 8’11 of me at this very second.
Each action figure will be priced at $14.99 plus applicable taxes, minus add ons.
I assume you see the necessity in constructing these immediately, and I look forward to talking to you in the near future. Have a wonderful day.
Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***
In Reference to Case Number: 22892909
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