My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Swiffer

Dear Proctor and Gamble,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old fortune cookie writer that's had enough.
Your commercials for the Swiffer Sweeper Vac are are reminiscent of poisonous worms that have burrowed their way into my subsconscious, to the point where I have Hall and Oates, "Baby Come Back" screaming in my head for the duration of the day afterwards.
I don't want to even get started on Swiffer Wet Jets. If you were trying to create a product that effectively cleaned and functioned properly, well then I hope this is just your prototype. The only thing Swiffer products do well, is moisten the dirt and change it's location awkwardly around my kitchen.
Proctor and Gamble, I demand retribution. I'd like the $29.99 plus applicable taxes for the abortive Swiffer Wet Jet that I erroneously purchased, and I would appreciate if a massive warning was plastered on the package of all of your Swiffer products from now on, stating that unless you have an unrealistic floor, with absolutely no blemishes, and concocted of magic, then the Swiffer series will prove to be futile.
I thank you for your time, and look forward to my retribution, as well as this imparative change, to be implemented immediately.
Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***RESPONSE December 14, 2008***
Thank you for contacting P&G. [ ref:00D7JViV.50077XFpU:ref

]Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:49 PM
From: ""P&G North America" ilnj.custhelp.com>
Add sender to Contacts To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com" >
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for sharing your disappointment with our Swiffer products including our Wet Jet. Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team.
Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I'm following up with you by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks. Also, your check for 30.00 will arrive in a separate mailing. I'm sorry but we don't reimburse for tax.
Thanks again for writing.
Pat
P&G Team
P.S. If you're a mom who likes learning about new products and sharing your opinions about them, we'd love to hear from you! Join Vocalpoint to preview and influence new products and services, as well as receive coupons and samples you can share with friends or family. Membership is free, always voluntary, and your privacy is guaranteed. To join or to find out more about Vocalpoint, just click on http://site.vocalpoint.com/guest/screener.html?targetid=351

***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $30.00 in the mail!***

My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Pepto Bismol (inspired by Alysha Ruggier)

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional, who's a reasonable young lady with a passion for cuisine that is so preposterously spicy, it's borderline unnecessary.

Proctor and Gamble, you advertised in your addictive yet tasteless Pepto Bismol commercials that your product cures heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, as well as diarrhea. I can assure you I had at least three of these symptoms, and since I am a bashful lady, I will not disclose the five I do have. However, I will say that not only did the product you boast so much about NOT deliver your promise of relief.

Proctor and Gamble, my bowels are bound with disapointment and dispondency. Your product is reminiscent of a lame horse. A pink placebo lame horse of shame. I demand retribution. $9.95 plus applicable taxes for the useless container of lies that remains dormant in the very back of corner of my cabinet, with all the other medicines that I'm currently angry with. As well as a personal mention in your next commercial, that explains that if you're experiencing one of more of the following: nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach or diarrhea... you're better off curling up in the fetal position and praying for your impending death than using your product. Pepto Bismol is a temporary sometimes cure to issues plaguing your intestines and/or soul, and I'd appreciate you being honest with your purchasing public, and legions of fans. I thank you in advance. I will forward you some glamour shots so you can decide which pictures of myself you'd like to include in your next marketing campaign.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: December 13, 2008***

Thank you for contacting P&G.

Saturday, December 13, 2008 11:34 AM
From: ""P&G North America" " Add sender to Contacts
To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com"

Thank you for sharing your disappointment with our product. Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team. Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I'm following up with you by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks. Thanks again for writing.

Amy, Pepto Team

***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $9.95 in the mail!***