My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Pepto Bismol (inspired by Alysha Ruggier)

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional, who's a reasonable young lady with a passion for cuisine that is so preposterously spicy, it's borderline unnecessary.

Proctor and Gamble, you advertised in your addictive yet tasteless Pepto Bismol commercials that your product cures heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, as well as diarrhea. I can assure you I had at least three of these symptoms, and since I am a bashful lady, I will not disclose the five I do have. However, I will say that not only did the product you boast so much about NOT deliver your promise of relief.

Proctor and Gamble, my bowels are bound with disapointment and dispondency. Your product is reminiscent of a lame horse. A pink placebo lame horse of shame. I demand retribution. $9.95 plus applicable taxes for the useless container of lies that remains dormant in the very back of corner of my cabinet, with all the other medicines that I'm currently angry with. As well as a personal mention in your next commercial, that explains that if you're experiencing one of more of the following: nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach or diarrhea... you're better off curling up in the fetal position and praying for your impending death than using your product. Pepto Bismol is a temporary sometimes cure to issues plaguing your intestines and/or soul, and I'd appreciate you being honest with your purchasing public, and legions of fans. I thank you in advance. I will forward you some glamour shots so you can decide which pictures of myself you'd like to include in your next marketing campaign.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: December 13, 2008***

Thank you for contacting P&G.

Saturday, December 13, 2008 11:34 AM
From: ""P&G North America" " Add sender to Contacts
To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com"

Thank you for sharing your disappointment with our product. Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team. Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I'm following up with you by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks. Thanks again for writing.

Amy, Pepto Team

***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $9.95 in the mail!***

My letter to Wrigley's

Dear Wrigley's,

Your product has left me feeling helpless and confused, and I now have a terrible taste in my mouth; even worse than the taste of expired coconut yogurt and mediocrity that was previously plaguing my tastebuds.
I was working away at my desk this afternoon, and after drinking eleven cups of decadent German Chocolate Cake flavoured coffee, I realized that my mouth could use a fresh burst of berry bliss, and fast. So I sauntered down to the local convenience store, sought out a name I trusted, and purchased Wrigley's, Five "Elixir: Mouthwatering Berry" gum, and rabidly shoved four pieces into my mouth as quickly as possible. As I chomped on what I can only describe as what I believe Heaven would taste like, a harsh dose of reality snapped me out of my berry trance.
Wrigley's, riddle me this: Is your gum brand labelled as "Five", because the flavour literally lasts five seconds in your mouth? Like there's an inevitable tiny timer strapped to the underside of each individual piece of glucosified deliciousness, and the second you actually get into the flavour, it's immediately kidnapped from you like tragic episode of "Without A Trace"? Only there is no happy ending, Wrigley's. No one finds the flavour at the end; it's lost. Like the punchline of every joke Bob Saget ever made as Danny Tanner on the hit tv show, "Full House".
I demand retribution. I'd like a pack of your finest gum, one with a minty flavour that will not let me down. I'd also like back my five dollars please. I know that the pack of gum did not cost five dollars, but I'm so upset I can't even remember how much I paid for it. So five dollars will do.
I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to an immediate response. You can forward all retribution to:

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: November 24/2oo8***

In Response to your Website Comments - Ref # 000452855A
Monday, November 24, 2008 9:00 AM
From: "PR@wrigley.com" Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for letting us know how you feel about 5® Elixir gum. We're happy to hear from you and truly value your feedback. Input from customers like you helps us to constantly make improvements and ensure that we are always providing you with top-quality products.We introduced 5® Elixir gum to provide our customers with a fresh, new flavor for the brand they love. We're very sorry that you didn't like this flavor, but we greatly appreciate you taking the time to try it and sharing your thoughts with us. We'll be sharing your feedback with our researchers, who are constantly working on new flavors to add to our product lineup. We hope you'll keep an eye out for our new products, try them when they come out and let us know what you think. Thank you again for reaching out to us and we hope you'll continue to enjoy Wrigley products in the future.

Sincerely,

Tom BradyConsumer Affairs Representative