Saturday, December 20, 2008

My letter to Crane Merchandising Systems



Dear Crane Merchandising Systems,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a disgruntled young lady who enjoys practicality, and delicious reasonably priced snacks. Although your company produces neither one of these, I still am an avid user of your vending machine, due to lack of options. I believe it's best if I keep my place of employment shrouded in mystery, because the degree of stress and hopelessness I'm feeling could translate into aggression, and I don't want it to reflect badly on the good people at Roger's. Oh. Oh dear.

I can accept that in this day and age, with the recession and all, that established businesses feel it is proper protocol to maintain inflated prices on your merchandise. However I cannot accept that fifty percent of the time I go to the vending machine when I am parched, or am in need of a healthy energy supplement (such as the Miss Vickie's Rosemary and Basil chips that I just consumed), that I am inevitably left in the end, staring slackjawed with confusion and disgust at the dangling treat I purchased with my hard earned money. I have to go and get a brawnier coworker to aid me in getting what is rightfully mine. Sometimes I will sit there and pummel your vending machine for twenty minutes at a time, watching the bag of chips, or package of cookies (depending on my mood) suspended in mid air, mocking me. I'll kick and punch, punch and kick, until victory is mine, and I have my unreasonably priced tidbit in my sweaty little grateful hand. As I gallop down the hallway, cramming fistfuls of snacky goodness into my delicate mouth, my delight is hindered because of what an unnecessary production it was to come into possession of my treat.

Crane Merchandising Systems, retribution needs to be had. I'm aware it will be hard to tally the amount of money I have meandered away on your vending machine, so I will ask that perhaps a discount card could be sent to me, guaranteeing me 75% off anything I purchase for the rest of my life. I don't think this is unreasonable. I will be checking my mailbox every five minutes until I receive your package, complete with discount card and letter of apology. Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to an immediate response.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

Sunday, December 14, 2008

My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Swiffer


Dear Proctor and Gamble,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old fortune cookie writer that's had enough.
Your commercials for the Swiffer Sweeper Vac are are reminiscent of poisonous worms that have burrowed their way into my subsconscious, to the point where I have Hall and Oates, "Baby Come Back" screaming in my head for the duration of the day afterwards.
I don't want to even get started on Swiffer Wet Jets. If you were trying to create a product that effectively cleaned and functioned properly, well then I hope this is just your prototype. The only thing Swiffer products do well, is moisten the dirt and change it's location awkwardly around my kitchen.
Proctor and Gamble, I demand retribution. I'd like the $29.99 plus applicable taxes for the abortive Swiffer Wet Jet that I erroneously purchased, and I would appreciate if a massive warning was plastered on the package of all of your Swiffer products from now on, stating that unless you have an unrealistic floor, with absolutely no blemishes, and concocted of magic, then the Swiffer series will prove to be futile.
I thank you for your time, and look forward to my retribution, as well as this imparative change, to be implemented immediately.
Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***RESPONSE December 14, 2008***
Thank you for contacting P&G. [ ref:00D7JViV.50077XFpU:ref
]Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:49 PM
From: ""P&G North America" ilnj.custhelp.com>
Add sender to Contacts To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com
" >
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for sharing your disappointment with our Swiffer products including our Wet Jet. Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team.
Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I'm following up with you by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks. Also, your check for 30.00 will arrive in a separate mailing. I'm sorry but we don't reimburse for tax.
Thanks again for writing.
Pat
P&G Team
P.S. If you're a mom who likes learning about new products and sharing your opinions about them, we'd love to hear from you! Join Vocalpoint to preview and influence new products and services, as well as receive coupons and samples you can share with friends or family. Membership is free, always voluntary, and your privacy is guaranteed. To join or to find out more about Vocalpoint, just click on http://site.vocalpoint.com/guest/screener.html?targetid=351


***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $30.00 in the mail!***

Saturday, December 13, 2008

My letter to PJs Pet Store shoppers/browsers (inspired by my wonderful Manager, SB)





Dear PJs Pet Store Shoppers/ Browsers,


My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a kennel worker at the Scarborough Town Centre PJs Pet Store location.

Since it is Christmas time, in the spirit of giving, I will no longer repress the three years of constant abuse and subjection to complete and utter stupidity I have endured; here is a piece of my mind.

To the woman with the attitude who sauntered through the dog department in brisk fall weather, sporting a beautiful cloak of death draped over her tacky, oblivious shoulders; really? A full length fur coat, in a pet store? Really? Although you did look utterly glamorous, and as though you had an obscene amount of class and money, traipsing through Scarborough Town Centre during a week day afternoon, when you should most undoubtedly be either at work or at home taking care of the plethora of children you've forsakenly spawned.

You made sure you stopped infront of every single kennel to appraise all of the "merchandise" we had, and I can assure you Miss; not only were the dogs all judging you as harshly as all the staff in the store, but in addition make no mistake: all those titters and jeers were definately directed at you, the woman with the carcass keeping her warm, who we affectionately had labelled Cruella Deville.

To the woman who gawked at me like I was a fantastic feces cleaning phenomenon? You were crouched down with your son, watching me in the bottom kennel for the entire duration I was cleaning and disinfecting, doing the job that I choose to have for the time being so I can pay my rent; I can read lips. Even though it looked like I was having an impressive and paramount day already, you know, with the obvious vomit that had already encrusted my scrub shirt, I appreciated seeing you mouth to your overweight underachieving son, "See what happens when you don't get an education?", as a warning, and then point at me. At first I was upset, trying to blink back tears because on top of everything else that I had been dealing with, I was being unabashedly insulted at my place of work. Then I actually smiled to myself, when the prudent hilarity of the situation swept over me like the overwhelming stench of the rash inducing "perfume" you were wearing: you are not better than me. If anything, the frumpy, gaudy shoulder padded mess of an ensemble you were wearing gave me hope, that whatever warning you gave your son about what path not to follow in life, he would rebel against you and your obnoxious ignorance. Just so you know, I have three jobs, as well as a college degree.

To the countless people who think it's hilarious to come in and look through the kennel window we're in there cleaning, minding our own business; it will never be funny to ask, "How much for you?" and then start killing yourself laughing. We don't smile because we hear it at least ten times a day. The answer will always be the same: Too much for you too afford. Just like our overpriced animals.

To the legions of saints who come in almost daily and tell us how sorry you feel for the animals, and what horrible people we are and that we should be ashamed of ourselves: you're right. I get paid so much money, that I don't care what I'm asked to do. I have no self respect, no conscience, and for minimum wage I would gladly come in a few times a week from downtown Toronto, just so I can abuse animals. You are incredibly accurate in assuming you have the right to come in and degrade complete strangers in an obviously uninformed manner, and you should all pat yourselves on the back. Calm down; you're not a hero, and your annoying grievances don't make a shred of a difference.

To the amusing teenagers who constantly attempt to make their deadbeat friends giggle, and ruffle some feathers at the store: no, we do not kill the animals if we can't sell them right away. We always sell them. If they happen to not go immediately, we transfer them to a store where they will get a home immediately. It's not funny, nor will it ever be, because that "joke" has been done too many times before for anyone to care that you're trying to be witty.

To the man and his sister/impregnated girlfriend who came into the store and attempted to buy our sweet, beautiful rottweiler; thank you. Although we do not believe you, no matter how many times you tell the story about how you had a "half" rottweiler, "half" pitbull, and "half" timberwolf... your story still manages to put a smile on all of our faces, and a gaggle of laughter in our hearts. You were absolutely insane, and no dog has ever reached 450 pounds, so even if you say it in a voice with authority, and make awkward excited eye contact in the process, it still doesn't make it true. You weren't not approved for the puppy because of your credit; it was because you are certifiably insane, and we were worried you would try and ride her home, out of the store, to freedom, if we let you purchase her.

Lastly, but certainly not least, to all the people who stick their fingers in the kitten cage, and act aggressively towards us when we tell you not to. We don't care if you have "gentle" fingers. We don't care that you're going through the trouble of tangling us in your web of lies that you just washed your hands, or funnier still, that you're "not" (if we call you on it, chances are you've been caught, and it's just embarassing for you to deny it). We don't care if you think you're "qualified" to touch them because you have 13 cats waiting for you at home; first of all, that's illegal, and secondly, it doesn't even make sense. We especially don't care if you try and tell us that "you didn't touch the kittens, they were touching you." Are you a five year old fighting with your sibling in the back of your parents car on the way to Disney World? You are all responsible for me contemplating actually exposing myself to rabies, just so I can run out and bite your dishonest, moronic fingers, like I pray to God the kittens will do every time I see you trying to unscrupulously sneak in a grab or poke as you pass them. There is a special place in hell for you all.

Three years working at PJs with the lowest grade of human beings that exist has taken it's toll, but now I can breathe. I hope every single one of your Christmases this year is ruined, like you consistantly ruin my day. Think of me as you pass PJs Pet Stores everywhere, especially at Scarborough Town Centre. I'll be the glaring girl in the window, with tattoos and stretched ears, judging you silently, and mentally making notes for my next scriptual middle finger.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

Sunday, December 7, 2008

My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Pepto Bismol (inspired by Alysha Ruggier)

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional, who's a reasonable young lady with a passion for cuisine that is so preposterously spicy, it's borderline unnecessary.

Proctor and Gamble, you advertised in your addictive yet tasteless Pepto Bismol commercials that your product cures heartburn, nausea, indigestion, upset stomach, as well as diarrhea. I can assure you I had at least three of these symptoms, and since I am a bashful lady, I will not disclose the five I do have. However, I will say that not only did the product you boast so much about NOT deliver your promise of relief.

Proctor and Gamble, my bowels are bound with disapointment and dispondency. Your product is reminiscent of a lame horse. A pink placebo lame horse of shame. I demand retribution. $9.95 plus applicable taxes for the useless container of lies that remains dormant in the very back of corner of my cabinet, with all the other medicines that I'm currently angry with. As well as a personal mention in your next commercial, that explains that if you're experiencing one of more of the following: nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach or diarrhea... you're better off curling up in the fetal position and praying for your impending death than using your product. Pepto Bismol is a temporary sometimes cure to issues plaguing your intestines and/or soul, and I'd appreciate you being honest with your purchasing public, and legions of fans. I thank you in advance. I will forward you some glamour shots so you can decide which pictures of myself you'd like to include in your next marketing campaign.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: December 13, 2008***


Thank you for contacting P&G.

Saturday, December 13, 2008 11:34 AM
From: ""P&G North America" " Add sender to Contacts
To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com"

Thank you for sharing your disappointment with our product. Our goal is to produce high quality products that consistently delight our consumers and I'm sorry this wasn't your experience. Please be assured I'm sharing your comments with the rest of our team. Since your satisfaction means a great deal to us, I'm following up with you by postal mail. You should receive my letter within the next 2-3 weeks. Thanks again for writing.

Amy, Pepto Team



***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $9.95 in the mail!***

My letter to Scarborough Town Centre Management




Dear Scarborough Town Centre Management,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a humble employee at PJ's Pet Store in your distinguished mall. I have accepted that my fate is doomed to consist of medicrity and puppy poop, but what I cannot accept, is Christmas music.

Please stop playing it. Seriously. I will end my life in the polluted water fountain right next to Santa's castle of lies if you don't. Christmas music makes me angry, which in turn will make your faithful shoppers angry. Trust me. I'll ensure it happens.

Good day. Bah humbug.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

Saturday, December 6, 2008

My letter to Bell Canada


Dear Bell Canada,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old young lady that feels like her proverbial balloon has been deflated. I am infuriated, like an angry rhinoceros mother who's offspring has just been threatened.
I purchased a Motorola phone from you in March of last year. I can't remember the model number because from the beginning I was not impressed. The phone is intrusive, and a lot of the times I feel burdened by the mere existance of it in my pocket. Like an obnoxious Tamagotchi, I am constantly checking to make sure it's behaving, not automatically signing onto the internet, or downloading new ringtones. Although I still question whether or not they are programmed by Bell, like sneaky robots of the night, to seek monetary grabs whenever they know I'm not looking, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. We have larger fish to fry, Bell Canada. My bigger issue that needs immediate attention is the fact that two of the circular buttons that control most of the functions, have fallen off. They are no longer on my phone, Bell Canada. When I took this into one of your stores, and brought this to one of your salespeople's attention, the brash heathen of a woman told me Bell does not cover such a tragedy. Doesn't cover buttons falling off? I was perplexed, enraged, and completely dumbfounded. But still, I did not lose my cool. In the process of trying to plot my next move as to how to come into possession of those elusive buttons, my phone just stopped ringing. It doesn't ring, Bell Canada. Oh, and you can check, "horrible selection of ringtones", and "only receives and sends texts when it damn well feels like it" off my list of complaints as well. So not only am I missing important buttons, am not happy with the ringstones, and have faulty texting, but now my phone is silent. I miss extremely important phones calls, and I just don't know what to do with myself. What does Bell Canada cover? If my phone explodes, and I have cellular shrapnel in my eye, and have to have a costly operation... does Bell cover that? If my phone leaks battery acid into my pocket and I develop burns on my delicate legs, and as a result the phone is left lame and unusable, does Bell cover *that*?? Bell Canada, retribution needs to happen here; it will be mine. I am eligible for a new phone in March of next year, with only two hundred dollars to put towards it. Now, since the last time I checked, your phones were an ungodly price, I believe two hundred dollars will probably cover a decorative faceplate. I am completely unhappy with this mediocre customer service, and product. Your policies are flawed, as is my defaced Motorola phone. For the love of God Bell Canada.. where are my buttons? Please respond immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

My letter to U2


Dear U2, more specifically, Bono,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old gal that has a Christmas wish this year I hope you can assist me with. Please don't ever sing Christmas songs. Ever. Seriously. I work at a mall, where your song, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" is basically played on loop all day long, and as soon as I hear the first few chords of the song, and then your sweet soft melacholy voice chimes in, my heart is overcome with emotion. Not the kind of emotion it feels good to experience, but kind of emotion that leaves you feeling like your mind has been ravaged by an energy vampire, and you feel mentally exhausted. You're teary eyed, not because the song struck a positive chord; but because it literally made you feel like your heart is heavy with the burden of just hearing your entire family has been killed in a horrific car crash, and you still have to open up all their Christmas presents.
So, in the spirit of Christmas, maybe you should just lay low. Relax, have some eggnog, not sing Christmas songs. Not even hum them.
I hope this letter is received with all of the urgency and hostility of a bitter mall worker who has given up on her future, and just wants to be left alone in her silent rage, cleaning up after puppies and not listening to music that makes me reflect about war, famine, Ireland, and tinted unnecessary glasses. Merry Christmas!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand