Sunday, March 22, 2009

My letter to Simple Plan

Dear member of French Canadian "pop punk" band Simple Plan,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure troll enthusiast who enjoys listening to music being sung in a manner that is appropriate to the musicians ages, taking online surveys with the promise of a possible cash prize at the end, and oregano.

Let me set the scene for you, Simple Plan. I was at my desk at work, searching for recipes that I can use tonight that involve a crock pot that my mother bequeathed upon me for Christmas. She keeps asking me how it works and I say, "Great!" and then she asks me, "Does the dial have minutes on it? Or settings for heat? Or have you taken it out of the box yet? What color is it, Sarah Bertrand?" and then I hang up the phone. I suppose if I make her a pot roast, maybe that will alleviate some of her disappointment. I decided to try and find new music to upload onto my pink I-Pod Nano, and that is when, Simple Plan, I came across your latest song, "Save You." At least I think it's your newest song. It literally sounds exactly like anything I've ever heard you put out in the past; self indulgent "teenage" angst where you can literally *hear* the amount of eyeliner you're wearing in your voice.

I don't want to start rumours, but I heard when you released, "I'm Just A Kid", your band's ages ranged from 36-53. I have realized something groundbreaking that I need to share with you. Simple Plan is eerily reminiscient of Beverly Hills, 90210. I will explain.

You see, in Beverly Hills 90210, pre marriage consummation is a rampant theme throughout each season. This promotes the feeble and vulnerable youth not only to not respect themselves, but glorifies irresponsibility and a false sense of immunity against consequences.

Simple Plan promotes irresponsibility in their videos, more specifically, in "Perfect". You were all whining your sorrows about acceptance and possibly an increase in your allowance (I didn't quit catch the end of the video) into the unforgiving night air (again with heavy, heavy eye makeup). You all are performing your bubblegum pop power ballad on the rooftop of a house that clearly has a shaky foundation. How many lawsuits has this video resulted in, Simple Plan? Irresponsibility, immunity against obvious impending doom, as well as you all had to have acknowledged your newfound lack of dignity after you realized the dramatic, intense eye makeup you allowed your stylists to cake onto your misunderstood emo eyelids. So much make up. Honestly.

I guess it could probably go without saying (but I will say it) that Luke Perry was in his late twenties when he was playing the role of a rebellious teen on the cast of 90210. You guys keep releasing variations of a song you once wrote about being melacholy, dejected and being a teenager, oh ya and something about eyeliner. Let's keep it real, Simple Plan: you are not a teenager. I respect that you're catering to your only fan base.. the fan base of children that like to think they're hardcore for liking "rock" music, so they boast of being fans of Good Charlotte, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, however this needs to stop. Perhaps hook up with an adult contemporary producer, purchase some sweater vests, and contact MuchMore Music. You know that feeling when you're sitting cross legged for too long, and you try to stand up but your leg hurts so bad, like pins and needles, so you start shaking it and smacking it, and it hurts but you'll do whatever you can to make that numb feeling go away, and actually be able to "feel" again? Well that's what I experience when I accidentally catch one of your lackluster diddy on the radio. Only instead of my leg being numb, it's my heart, Simple Plan. My heart.

I hope these suggestions and critiques were not too harsh. Take them with a grain of salt, and a cotton make up pad dab of the eye region, but with the legitimacy of a girl with a chip on her shoulder, and somewhat honorable intentions.

Sarah Bertrand