Saturday, February 28, 2009

My letter to The Skinny Switch

Dear Rob Nevins,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old defeatist who enjoys low impact aerobics, slowly (and sometimes rapidly) eating a delicious homemade paste consisting of kernels of corn, mayonnaise, and maple syrup, and being basically inactive in my own filth.

I was vacationing in sunny Aruba last week, and was basically bed ridden for the entire duration of my stay. (I got a nasty sunburn on my right wrist.. I don't want to talk about it!) I spent the majority of my time wrapped in a towel in bed, weeping, taking advantage of the free bar service, and cursing my bad luck (the wrist burn). Then, like a punch in the face from Jesus himself, I conveniently came across your magic weight loss remedy! What luck!

It seems logical enough (losing weight by eating, without the aid of any exercise whatsoever), however after enduring years of being bombarded with commercials of "fail proof diet plans" that have inevitably ended in defeat, I have been left jaded and heartbroken. My defense mechanisms were deployed, like an angry Ninja Turtle against a member of the Foot Clan.

However, your impressive website boasts you possess 20 years experience as "America's Fat Loss Guru" and have over 40,000 clients. Bravo! Sounds like you may have something here.

My question is this: since your claim is that this plan is 100% failproof, what happens for a gal like me who has severe food allergies and nourishment restrictions? I am allergic to meat, bread crust (unless it's panini), and Fluffernutter. I cannot eat vegetables unless they are encrusted in a thick coating of melted cheese. I cannot eat fruit unless they are deep fried in an jeopardous amount of honey, specially seasoned in salt (my own recipe). I cannot consume any dairy, which also means I cannot ingest vegetables (see above). My diet basically consists of chocolate (white and dark, not milk.. the dairy), and pork chops drenched in an obscene amount of canola oil. If I eat anything other than these fine items, I will die, Mr. Nevins.

So after carefully reading your mysterious and meticulously outlined diet plan, counting my pennies, and putting my faith in your capable and attractive hands, I beg of you.. can you help me? I'm anxiously awaiting your feedback so I can feel like a woman again. A woman who doesn't have to be ashamed of the hand she was dealt in life. A woman who can finally go to a restaurant and order a slice of pumpkin pie, and not have to specify, "Hold the pumpkin, and instead of the pie, please bring me a handful of Smarties and a dish of whipped cream."

Sarah Bertrand
***REPONSE: March 7, 2009***

RE: re: To Mr. Rob Nevins (#6510-126689797-3554)
Saturday, March 7, 2009 7:06 AM
From: "Skinny Switch Secret" Add sender to Contacts To: "Sarah Bertrand" Hello Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Rob Nevins' Skinny Switch Secret!

I apologize for the delay in responding to your inquiry, this is due to an overflow of emails received.

I absolutely understand your concern. You need to be extremely cautious when it comes to food allergies, but two of the great features of Rob's meal plan is you get to select from a wide range of delicious meal options and you are provided with an Exchange List to help you make appropriate substitutions.

At this time our plan does not cater to any medical conditions, dietary restrictions or health concerns. We recommend you speak with your personal physician before beginning any weight-loss or fitness plan.

Please feel free to contact us with any future questions or concerns. We will be happy to assist you!

Account Specialist

Our Account Specialists are available 10am to 8pm EST, Monday through Friday.

My letter to Glade

Dear Glade,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old origami enthusiast who enjoys temporarily masking pesky odours, damaging expensive fabrics in my house by spraying them with artificial scents, and Middle Eastern dancing.

I have been an avid supporter of Glade products for years, but I now feel compelled to write you a letter of disdain, because you have crossed the line. My patience line.

I will explain.

I find your recent slew of Glade advertisements confusing and obnoxious. Your protagonist, a woman obsessed with Glade products, is seemingly in a constant quest to evade her closest friends and family from the truth; that she uses your products. Don't you think that's ironically unflattering? She deceivs her yoga group, claims her candles come from the exotic land of France, and last but certainly not least, she uses the air freshener to boast that she's been hard at work all day when meanwhile it just SMELLS like she has been! She's been lax in her responsibilities at home, but hey, it smells like "clean" and "baking", so someone give her the validation she so desperately craves!

Something smells in this situation Glade, and it's not your reasonably priced handiwork. This unstable, compulsive liar is insinuating that your product is inferior to more exotic or expensive products, and that if we decide to purchase your merchandise we should feel a sense of shame and try and cover it up. I'll bet she's getting paid pretty penny to do it! Hell, employ me! I'll bash you on air, if that's the angle that you've decided will be most lucrative. Furthermore, she has virtually no consequences to her actions, other than an uncomfortable humiliating roll of the eyes of her friends/ family that implies, "Oh you! This is why no one trusts you and you'll die alone! har har har!"

You have sucked society into your web of "Glies". That word is "Glade", mixed with "lies". So tell me Glade: where does this story go from here? Does the woman, we'll call her "Barbara" (she looks like one), go to counselling and get help for her insecurity issues? Do her friends stick by her? Does she discover new scents, and what story does she concoct to explain to the Avon lady when she steps into her home and inquires what that intoxicating allure is? How large does this web get, Glade?

I think you should sincerely re-think this campaign, Glade. Barbara is only hindering your success. I really think your company has something with these "candles" and "plug ins" you're peddling. I truly think that one day, your company will take off and become fairly popular. I have a knack for predicting these things. Don't worry Glade, your day will come.

Sarah Bertrand
***RESPONSE: March 2, 2009***

Subject: Re: Your Inquiry About an SC Johnson Air Care product #014240329A
Received: Monday, March 2, 2009, 1:01 PM

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for your email. We value your comments and are sharing them with the
people responsible for our advertising.

Best regards,


Consumer Relationship Centre
SC Johnson
Toll free number: 1-800-558-5566

Reference Number: 014240329A

***RESPONSE: March 2, 2009***

Re: Your Inquiry About an SC Johnson Air Care product #014240329A
Monday, March 2, 2009 4:02 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details To:

Dear Carolyn (or is it Barbara??),

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old husky hip hop video dancer who enjoys silly buttons, giggling, and bedazzling tiny capes for my lizard. I was just rouging my face when I heard my computer scream out, "You've got mail!" (you know, like in that movie... Titanic), and I was delighted to see that it was from you.

I trust that you will do everything in your power to see that this woman is disciplined, and acquires a better attitude and rediscovers her dignity, Barbara.

Sweet dreams,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to a Yahoo spammer

Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:23 AM
From: "TAMA AKU"
Add sender to Contacts To: undisclosed-recipients
The Desk of Mr Tama Aku
Audit/Remittance Department of
African Development Bank (ADB)
Auagadougou Burkina Faso
phone: 00226-71 19 15 57

Dear Friend,


I know that this email will be a big surprise to you, but i want you to calm down and read very carefully.

I have a business which will be beneficial to both of us. the amount of money involved is ($5,700:000:00 five million seven hundred thousand us dollars) which i want to transfer out of the country to your bank account, all to my financial benefit and yours too. and also to take my wife abroad for treatment of liver damage.

This money is owned by a man called JIN SUN, a business commercialist in west-african regions. he has been dead since four years ago (2005) and since then, no claim has been placed on his bank account balance.

I want to transfer this money out of the country but such fund cannot be transferred without a next of kin attached to the fund. the fund could be transferred in these way; you shall present yourself as a business associate to the deceased person[JIN SUN) as details shall be that you are the care- taker business associate to mr. jin sun and his properties.

I shall make available to you materials and information with which a successful claim shall be placed on the fund. i shall also be your guidiance and instructor throughout the duration of this transaction so as to ensure a swift and sure transfer of the fund to your bank account.

As to your benefits,you shall be entitled to 40% of this fund for your co-operation in this transaction while 5% will be set aside for expences incured during the course of this transaction.

So if you are interested, send a reply to me immediately and in your reply please include your [private phone and your fax numbers] urgency has to be implied and this business must strictly be a deal between both of us.
Waiting for your urgent response so that i can move ahead and give you the indept details concerning this transaction and also the steps to take for a smooth transfer of the fund into your bank account.

Best Regards,

***MY REPLY: FEBRUARY 28, 2009***

Dear Mr. Tama Aku,

I have heeded your advice, and "calmed down" after reading your email. It was hard though, I had to use my inhaler! Your email was so exciting!! Surprise!! To ME!!

First of all, I am very sorry to hear of your wife's liver damage. I trust that it's so horrific that not even over five million dollars in whichever country you are from can cover the cost!! For shame on your health care. Why wouldn't you complicate the operation and involve a third party!! Brilliant!

I'm a little confused as to how you came into contact of Jin Sun, the dead stranger's, money. Is it stolen? Embezzled? Did he ask you to have me, Sarah Bertrand, to be put personally in charge of his money? What an honor! Does he know that I am a 25 year old cage fighter that enjoys marbles and butterscotch? Also Mr Tama Aku, before I forget, I have some magic beans that maybe I can send your wife to help her liver? Every bit counts, right??

This sounds foolproof, safe, and like the financial endeavour of a lifetime! I will commence in sending you every bit of information I can about myself, including my social insurance number, my bank accounts, my visa number (you know, just in case), as well as my bra size and favorite color: it's pink, but I tell everyone it's blue).

Thank you so much for trusting me with this huge opportunity, and for believing in a hopeless daydreamer like me. Please forward me your bank information, your full name and address, your social insurance number, and a picture of your wife, so I can contact my new boss Mr. Jin Sun through means of a Ouija Board and ask him personally if he feels you are trustworthy. This is my operation now.

Sarah Bertrand.