Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Inapark's Reality Proposal: Big Mother

Dear Big Brother Canada,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am very displeased with you. Recently, I auditioned for your hit television show, and I truly believed that it went splendidly. I went with my two friends, and I felt in the cockles of my heart that we were all extremely charming, interesting, and perfect material for the bright lights of show biz. 

As the days have turned to nights, and nights back into days, I am now writing to you to tell you this: message received, Big Brother Canada. Myself, nor my friends, have apparently made the cut. I can only hope that you will choose appropriately, and that the cast of Big Brother Canada 2 will be willing to humiliate themselves with nonsensical behaviour as I would have. I will outline my Game Plan to you, just in case there is a chance that you will change your mind. 

Sarah Bertrand's Gameplan:

- Immediately make an alliance with a house plant. They can keep secrets, and when it comes out everyone in the house, they will assume that my line of thinking is so advanced that there must be a method to my madness, and they'll all want on board. But the joke's on them; because it is literally an alliance with a house plant. 
- Hoard alcohol, and keep in base of house plant.
The contents of my treasure list when I win Head of Household will be so special and unique that no one will be able to handle it. I'm talking medieval weapons, definitely my two cats Binx and Twig, an elaborate magic set, photographs of the other player's mothers or legal guardians to keep them guessing, the works.
- And lastly, lie to everyone. Lie about things that don't even make sense. "Hey guys, just so you know I'm having a glass of milk because I'm not lactose intolerant. Carry on about your day, gonna get my calcium on." Guess what? Joke's on you, I AM lactose intolerant. I will spend the whole afternoon in the bathroom. And why? There's actually no valid reason. But my pants will be on fire the whole season, if you catch my drift. "Oh man, I hope my male fiance doesn't mind me wearing shorts and showing off my calves. We're getting married in the fall. But he's okay with a showmance or TEN." I will make love to everyone on set. Even the camera people.

In the rare event that you are not immediately swayed, I have planned a defensive tactic that will have you wanting to hitch your wagon to my star. Introducing, a television show that will inevitably be picked up in the near future; Big Mother Canada.

The Pitch:
"Big Mother": Canada's newest leading social experiment reality television show. It will depict real life familial situations that everyone can relate to, and exaggerate them to see which one of the twelve contestants have what it takes to last in the Big Mother Household until the end, to claim the ten hundred dollar prize.

The Players:
Twelve individuals, stuck in a house for two months with an overbearing Mother figure, screaming at you to take Echinacea.

The Prizes:
The Grand Prize is $1000 that's locked away in a high interest savings account until you're more responsible.

The Obstacles:

- Isolation will be enforced: if you don't do the dishes right after you've eaten, if you don't put the groceries away immediately, or you miss an occasion.
- There will be veto competitions, and rewards. There will be a group of individuals called the "Have Nones" to avoid copyright infringements, but we're going to have to get a lawyer on all of the other similarities. "Hey wanna win the Power of Veto? Aunt Joan forgot to take her pills. Who will settle her down?"
- Handsy Uncle Ray will definitely be an obstacle, like he is at every Christmas. Am I right?
- "Take that shirt off, sure hope you don't have any hidden tattoos or piercings!" Penalty.

The Challenges:

- There will be stamina and memory challenges.
- There is a maze through mud, but don't forget to take your shoes off before you come back into the house! Maybe when you finally move out on your own, and have to do your own cleaning, you'll finally have some respect.
- There will be a shit ton of Sudoku.
 - Remember those swimming lessons you dropped out of, or those karate classes you skipped? Sure hope your past instructors won't show up to embarrass you on live television. (They will.)

The Point:

- Ratings, and conflict resolution. These are life skills we're teaching here. Because as naggy and passive aggressive Big Mother is, she's also protective, and always wants the best for you. Also there is about a month's worth of rent to claim as a prize at the end of this ordeal. All the music for the television show will be scored by the musical magician who produced sound for Full House, and Big Mother will either be played by Queen Latifah or Jessica Lange.

I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to chatting with you in the near future. Have a great day today, and sweet dreams tonight.

Sarah Bertrand

Monday, September 23, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: How do I punish someone for naming their cat something stupid?

"I work at a pet store, and today an old woman told me about her tabby. He was brown, and had white tipped ears. She named him Tippy. This is literally the worst name I have ever heard, and I want Tippy taken away from her. Should I find out where she lives and take him myself, or should I call the police? Also, what should I rename Tippy?"

  • Answerer #1 answered 6 days ago
    So then... basically... you're just a blithering idiot. If you have an alternate explanation... I'm all ears.
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 7
  • Answerer #2 edited 6 days ago
    Seriously; what did I just read here ???

    The old bat can name her cat anything she wishes. Methinks your are having us "on for a lark" or you have fallen on your head at some point today.
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 3
  • Answerer #3 answered 6 days ago
    Well the first step is to find out who her friends are. Once you have, this is the important part by the way, you need to give them a gift basket to give her with lots of fruits and cheeses in it. These gift baskets represent disapproval in many cultures, and once she receives it she will undoubtedly understand that she has done wrong.


    Honestly, you aren't that stupid, quit trollin.
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 2
  • Answerer #4 answered 6 days ago
    Follow her. Follow her and take Tippy! When you get him, I think you should call him 'Shithead'. This way when you call "Shithead! Come here Shithead!', you can see how many people turn around to answer you. Taking her beloved Tippy will be punishment enough for the old bag.
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 0
  • Answerer #5 answered 6 days ago
    if the cat is completely abused and not well taken care of, then I can see why you would want to intervene, but since you didn't say anything in that manner, its non of your business what she named him. he's her cat, not yours. stealing him would more than likely break her heart. just leave well enough alone and go find your own cat in a shelter. stop trying to be vindictive when you think that a name is ridiculous. YOU are being ridiculous!
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 0
  • Answerer #6 answered 6 days ago
    if she has hurt the cat in any way then it should be taken away but really its just a name
    • Vote as Best Answer
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  • Answerer #7 answered 6 days ago
    What I would do is just buy a big bag of cat nip and sprinkle it all over her door step so she walks over it and brings it in her house. That way the name is accurate now that the cat will be Tippy.


    My brain.
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 2
  • Answerer #8 answered 6 days ago
    This is a joke, right?
    • Vote as Best Answer
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  • Answerer #9 answered 6 days ago
    Its not your decision on what people name their cats or dogs or any other pets. Just cause you do not like the name doesn't make it wrong. In fact I think its a cute name.
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 3
  • Answerer #10 answered 6 days ago
    I have an idea: ignore it
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 1
  • Answerer #11 answered 6 days ago
    Tippy will not be taken away from the owner. Leave them alone.Oh yes call the police,i can hear them laughing now.
    • Vote as Best Answer
    • 0
      0None of these answers doing it for you?

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: How do I legally break a pinky swear?

"My friend and I pinky swore on something that I want to back out of. She told me that if I ever broke it, my whole family would die. Is this true? How do I legally break a pinky swear?"

  • Yes if you break a pinky swear u and your family will die and your souls won't be saved by raptor jesus and he went extinct for are sins
    • 1Rating: Good Answer
    • 1Rating: Bad Answer
    Sorry, you must be Level 2 to rate
  • You can break a pinky swear any way you like because they aren't legally enforceable as contracts. Also, I personally wouldn't keep such an oath with a person who made me feel my family was under threat if I was unable to keep the promise.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: How do I gain the maximum amount of Yahoo points?

"I am rapidly losing Yahoo points, and I have no idea how this system works. At first I didn't care, but now I would literally break the law for one stinkin' point. How do I get more, and how do I redeem them? What prizes am I entitled to? What does it mean? And will everyone please stop reporting me? I have so much more to give."

- Johnny G
"You don't get any prizes for answering on Yahoo Answers. The more questions you ask, the more points that get taken away from your account. Each question costs you five points to ask, and each answer gives you two points for answering  If you want the max amount of points, try answering questions more than asking them. You will get tons of points that way but remember the amount of questions you can ask and answer is limited for each level account. Good luck."

- Daniel
"There are no prizes here and if you're being reported you are obviously posting something that is against the rules if you have not done so please read the rule book not everything is allowed on here. If you ask questions you lose points. To get more points keep on answering questions. If someone picks yours as the best you will  get an additional ten points."

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: Can Someone Please Help Me Create A Logo?

This was reported and deleted within hours. Makes no sense, I am livid.

"I need a logo for my company, but everything I draw ends up looking like a penis. I need someone with a marketing skill set to please help me design a logo for my company, that doesn't look like a penis. Only serious people answer please. Also, my company is I sell bananas."

- Dee
"Are you kidding me? Don't you know that sex sells? Here we go- full, extra red banana, and someone taking a big bite. Wow now all of a sudden I'm in the mood for a big banana! :)"

"I am a professional logo designer I will make your logo better TEN DOLLARS MY PRICE I am waiting to hear from you."

- Drarera
"You could do a monkey, eating a banana maybe. What's your company name?"

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: Could I Be Arrested For Dodging The Swiss Chalet Delivery Man?

"I just ordered three quarter chicken meals from Swiss Chalet because I was sad. I changed my mind, and had three Lean Cuisine dinners instead. Swiss Chalet is on their way; if I turn all the lights off and hide, could I get arrested for not answering the door? Also my credit card has already been charged."

- Dee
"I'm afraid that not only could you get arrested for this, but you could be the cause of an international crisis! The Swiss have always been known to be a neutral country, and I fear that if you continue with your scandalous plot against Swiss Chalet, you personally will be responsible for them turning against us! Here's my solution to your dilemma; since your credit card has already been charged, and your belly is full from Lean Cuisine (good on you, cuz I'd never be full off that!), why don't you just call them and say you've changed your mind on your delivery address and send them my way? International crisis averted! ;) Source: Hungry belly talking

- Quite New
"Simple. Since your card has already been billed, YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE THAT FOOD.
Later, a couple of hours later, you'll want that three orders of quarter chicken meal. I guarantee you'll be sorry if you paid for it and your neighbour STOLE IT because the Swiss Chalet delivery guy will just leave your order in your front door."

- Tokyo
"You were already charged."

"Probably not."

Yahooanswers.com: Am I A Bully?

"I am against bullying, but I loved the movie Mean Girls starring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams. I think the way they treat people is terrible, but I think Cady Heron was the prettiest when she was part of The Plastics. What does that mean?"

- Learning
"It's just a movie. Don't apply it to your life though."

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: Discount Programs?

"Does a special discount card or reward program exist for people with a sense of entitlement?"

- Millwood
"Only in their own minds."

- Rare2fin
"But of course. For example, big Government, big businesses, war mongers and other recipients of welfare, grants, etc... except such monies are otherwise defined. In other words, the government issues grants and welfare to others besides those who are really in deed.

- Neil
"No, it's a tea foundation of the Free Market Economy to get good deals on Bulk/Clearance programs, because discounts are usually 'bonus' buys for a store, that they pass on to their consumers."

- Christine H
"That is how Platinum Credit cards work."

Yahooanswers.com: Are My Cats Gay? They Are Grey And Black.

"The other day, my cats were washing each other and they kissed on the mouth. I don't know if it was by accident or not. How do I know if they're gay? Is there a division of PFLAG that deals with this? Also, I am gay."

- Meow
"Cats are very friendly and clean animals. It is not unusual to see cats cleaning eachother. Now if you find them having intercourse then they have homosexual tendencies which is not uncommon. Felines are more of a bisexual species rather than homosexual. They'll switch back and forth. There is also Feline Aids." (I can't even handle this answer. Anything about it.)

- Truncoco
"Lol, my female dog and my female cat were friendly with eachother. One time, I saw my dog humping my cat, much with the feline's delight. So gross and weird though."

- Laurie
"No, save the gayness for humans. Cats are not gay."

- Angel Davis
"What?! I am sorry but this is a crazy question!"

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: Are Hedgehogs Just Baby Porcupines?

"Are hedgehogs just baby porcupines? And if yes, when they shoot their quills when frightened, are the quills venomous? Because I wouldn't feel safe having a weapon pet just walking around the trailer."

- Hi, My Name Is: ANIMAL
"No hedgehogs are not baby porcupines. Porcupines are from the Erethizontidae family (I think or this may just be the new world porcupines) and hedhehogs are from the Erinaceidae family.

Porcupines are rodents, hedgehogs are not.

Hedgehogs lack the ability to shoot their quills at all. The quills are not venomous.

I have a pet hedgehog and unless he is scared or angry his quills are quite soft. Yes you can and will get stuck with them a gew times but it isn't really all that painful.

I suggest a TON of research before getting one."

- Janella
"no they are not. they are more closely related to the mole than the porcupine. porcupine quills aren't venomous. but they do carry bacteria and are barbed."

Monday, September 9, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: Do Lesbians Get Their Period?

"I think it's a valid question. I mean, if you're born gay, evolution probably took away your baby makers. Do they get their periods?"

- Michael
"Being gay doesn't effect fertility, lesbians still get periods and can still make babies. I donated sperm to lesbian couples before and gotten pregnant."

"I wonder what the "homosexuality isn't a choice" people have to say about identical twins where one is gay and the other isn't?"

- Jessica Lori
"No of course they don't get their periods. What a stupid question."

- df
"you full on melt. sources: www.youareadrip.gotoschool"

"DUDE? yes! what kind of questune is that??????? if your born gay, your attracted to the same sex as you, you are still able to have babies if you want to. im not sure who told you what being gay is, but they got it WRONG!"

Hello Sarah,
The question on Yahoo! Answers was reported and deleted by one or more trusted members of the Answers community.
"Do lesbians get their period?"
Ten points have also been deducted from your account. If you believe that your question was wrongly deleted by the community and would like to appeal the deletion of your question, you can have your case reviewed.
Yahoo! Canada Answers Team

Dear Yahoo,
No that seems pretty reasonable. Have a good night.
Sarah B

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Yahooanswers.com: How Do I Get In Touch With A Celebrity Adoption Agency?

How do I get in touch with a celebrity adoption agency?

I want to get pregnant, and to give my baby the best life possible. I think the best way to do this would be to have a celebrity baby. Since I'm single, and not a celebrity, how can I get in touch with a famous adoption agency? Also I feel like my baby could be the next fashion icon, like Suri Cruise. But no Scientology.

- Planes
"Hee hee!"

- samantha
"go on google and type it celebrity adoption agency and you will find it."

- Pip
"You need a reality check. The best life a child can have have is with both or one of his or her parents. It saddens me when children who have been adopted by celebrities are constantly in the media. They may have a financially good life and no doubt they are loved but they can't really have a 100% normal life because of their parents."

- Lilah
"You're either an idiot or a troll." (I reported this asshole for hurting my feelings. And being an overall dick.)

- Scifichi...
"There is no such thing. Celebrities use a wide variety of agencies and lawyers to adopt. You need a reality check, it isn't going to happen. I can assure you that adoptive parents are highly screened and if you think adoption is best for you and your child then try to look into it more."

- Theta Works
"No idea."

"Please, work with an agency that will help place your baby with a loving and stable family. Don't look for a celebrity."

- Marnie B
"Go to Hollywood and hang out near a bridge. Troll."

Friday, September 6, 2013

Newest Social Experiment: Yahooanswers.com

Recently I was introduced to yahooanswers.com. You can write in, and literally ask anything in the world, and people can respond. And they do respond. To anything. So my newest social experiment is going to be a new question every day.

“Hello Sarah,
The question on Yahoo! Answers was reported and deleted by one or more trusted members of the Answers community:

"By accident I ate three cat treats and I liked it. What does that mean?"

This question has been removed and 10 points have been deducted from your account. You may not have realized this, but all questions submitted on Yahoo! Answers must comply with the Answers Community Guidelines.
If you believe that your question was wrongly deleted by the community and would like to appeal the deletion of your question, you can have your case reviewed by Answers Customer Care. You have 7 days to submit your appeal. Please be aware that if your appeal is rejected, an additional 10 points will be removed from your account.
Appeal this decision:
Yahoo! Canada Answers Team”

You bet your ass I'm going to appeal. Today my question lasted ten minutes before it was flagged and deleted, which makes no sense considering the question. These are some of the responses I was able to get access to in that short period.

"Me-ow too-ow."
Open Sauce - 8923 Total answers

"don't feel bad, i use to eat cat food on a regular basis at age 6 and 7."
Friski Jr - 699 Total answers

"It doesn't mean anything and you will be fine, but never happened to me."
Ariana - 825 Total answers

"Best watch out for the tom cats or you could get in kitten."
Verdun1916 - 22 Total answers

"what does it taste like? i thought sometimes the kitten food smells alright."
Abbey - 38 Total answers


I appealed. 

Hi Sarah,
We're sorry, but upon review we found that the following question was indeed in violation of the Yahoo! Canada Answers Community Guidelines:
"By accident I ate three cat treats and I liked it. What does that mean?"
Violation Reason: Chatting / Not a Question or Answer / Incomprehensible
Go to the Yahoo! Canada Answers Appeals Board:
Please note: Your use of Yahoo! Canada Answers is subject to the Yahoo! Canada Answers Community Guidelines, Yahoo! Community Guidelines and the Yahoo! Terms of Service. Members who have violated the Community Guidelines are at risk for review and possible termination of their Answers accounts. In extreme cases, members who have also violated the Yahoo! Canada Terms of Service risk losing their Yahoo! ID and access to other Yahoo! services.
Yahoo! Canada Answers Team

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

An excerpt from the Children portion of ReTales.

      "I think I should establish that I hate children. There is the rare example where they are lovely and polite. But I work in retail, where they’re all tiny, unpredictable, filthy pink eye factories. There are few things more gross than kids being forced to eat in motion. For example, having French fries or ice cream shoved into their greedy traps while walking through a pet store. 
However, kids having tantrums is the best; kudos to the parents who just leave their kids screaming on the dirty mall floor, and walk away. Nailed it.
I think people have this glamorized, idealistic view of a pet store. All the staff does all day is cuddle animals. These animals don’t ever poop or need to be fed, and apparently there is no customer service factor either.
Thomas was a treat. He was a little Asian boy who would come into the store every day and stare at me at cash. He stared at everyone, but I happened to be at cash the most, so I’d have these awkward encounters with Thomas every shift. I’m terrible with kids. One day I introduced myself to a toddler and went to shake their hand. I talk to them like they’re all 30. I can’t help it.

I asked Thomas one day what his name was. He said, “Thomas.” He was about five. I guess I didn’t take into account the language barrier that apparently still remained. Because when I followed that question with, “Now where are your parents?”, he thought I meant, “Please pull your pants down to your ankles and create a scene.” 
For some reason, parents find it acceptable to send their kids in all day long to be babysat by the staff. It makes no sense. One day, this particularly obnoxious kid was getting handsy with the rawhide. When I asked it where its legal guardian was, it told me not worry, and then showed me a whistle. “My mom gave me this in case I get lost.” Oh, cool. So when your abductor takes your whistle, then what Mom?! Then what. Don’t  worry, I’ll handle it. Just enjoy your Tim Horton’s coffee; I got you. Afterwards, feel free to let your hair down and take a browse in Northern Reflections. Afterall, your spawn has a fucking whistle. Also, kids don’t blow whistles when there’s trouble. If they have a whistle, it doesn’t leave their mouth."


Monday, September 2, 2013

Inapark Does Fan Expo, 2013. Ohh Myyy...

Oh hey George Takei, it's nice to meet you too. What's that, you'd love a copy of The Best of Inapark... no big deal.

Friday, August 30, 2013

A Piece for Re-Tales: The Subway Old Ladies.

     Not everything absurd happens inside the pet store. Every shift comes with a break, and every break seems to be a lesson from Santa. If you’ve been good, you are given a delicious snack and peace of mind. If you are bad, you receive proverbial coal; or in my case, the Old Subway Sandwich Ladies.

On one particularly trying day where I had apparently been bad, I ventured to Subway for a delicious sammy. As I was about to enter the store, I noticed an old lady with a walker, slowly making her way up the ramp. Obviously, I couldn’t ignore her; we had already made eye contact. So, I patiently held the door for her. She walked unhurried, but with intention. I instantly regretted assisting this woman.

I will name her Margaret. Margaret yelled her coffee order from the door. When she found out that they in fact did not offer coffee, she was livid and relentless. She “couldn’t understand why they didn’t have coffee, and all she wanted was a coffee. Was that too much to ask?! In the morning, a coffee? What kind of business was this?”

Eventually, with my break time ticking away, she abandoned the notion of coffee. Instead, she asked for “the 475”. It took five minutes for myself and the Sandwich Artist to realize she meant the sub that cost $4.75. We only realized this when she screamed, “Then why does it say that?!”, pointing wildly to the illuminated pricing board.

When this outrageous encounter eventually ended, I got my cold cut combo and left. Santa was not done with me. Like a skeletal, naggy boomerang, she somehow made her way into my store. This is how the conversation went.

“Oh, hi there, how was your sub?”

“My son!?”

“Your submarine sandwich.”

“How do you know Matthew?!”

“Your lunch.”


I hated Margaret. Shockingly, she had a cell phone. I know this not because I saw her answer it, but because I heard the 1998 ringtone, an answer, silence, and then this response.

“You think YOU’RE stressed out?? Have you ever been in a van.. with a bee in it?? I have, 20 years ago! Still gives me anxiety!”

I then heard about the buzzing, and the swatting. Margaret is definitely a good storyteller. I felt like I was in the car with her. I also felt like I wanted to open the door of that hell bound vehicle, and roll out onto the highway to avoid spending one more second with her. One lingering question remains though; why the hell would Margaret be the one you would call when you were upset?! I felt terrible for the person on the other end.

After boycotting Subway for a good month, I decided that I was being silly, so I went back. Meet Beryl.

This time, I walked into the situation. She was leaning against the, “Debit Not Working” sign, before she had ordered anything, incessantly jamming her card in the slot.

Beryl was screaming about green olives. Asking if they had them, telling everyone within a reasonable hearing radius that they were her favorite. They ended up having a stash, under the counter. The kind gentleman behind the sneeze guard produced them, and instead of a thank you, was greeted with a, “Well that’s good to know! I didn’t see them! How are people supposed to know they’re there?! I think your debit machine’s broken.”

She then asked for a combo. No, not a diet coke and a chips or cookie combo. She decided to make up her own. Like if you clamored loud enough, it would just come into existence.

“Gimme a tin of apple juice, and a granola bar.”

I physically couldn’t handle how ridiculous this was. When she was informed that they don’t carry any of that, “Ah well, I have enough granola bars at home. Diabetes.”

What does that mean? Like, “I like sunshine. Diabetes.” Old people love talking about their health problems. The only thing they like talking about more than their health, is how to make things more practical in stores. Diabetes.