Monday, March 25, 2013

Animal Expert Proposal.

Dear PETA,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 29 year old self proclaimed animal expert, and animal enthusiast. I have worked in a pet store for ten years, and have entertained and housed tens of animals throughout my life. Currently I have two cats, one rat and a lizard. Their names are Ned, Binx, Freddie and Penny, in no particular order. I am a huge fan of your organization, and feel as though I would be a wonderful addition to any future protests, campaigns, or publicity appearances. I can either have my own segment, or be there in the background. I will be creating awareness, and relaying facts, like the following, to the masses. I am highly motivated, and detail oriented. Even though I'm not entirely positive about the following statements, I will make reasonable assumptions because I don't have time to research.

"Don`t eat meat, or wear fur."`
"Cats sleep in sunshine."
"Bears eat honey, berries, and sometimes campers."
"Hyenas laugh, to hide their tears."
"Some lizards have very sensitive skin. Others do not."
"Hippos get furious when you try and take their marbles."
"Bats always turn left when exiting a cave."
"In addition to delivering babies, storks also kidnap them."
"Licking a toad does not get you high; it gives them the wrong impression."
"A snail can sleep up to three years."
"Beavers have very strong tails. They were the world's first carpenters; even before Jesus."
"All polar bears are left handed, and enjoy drinking Coke."
"Cockroaches, like garbage, are repulsive. Ugh, why are we even talking about them?!"
"Meer cats are alert."
"Birds love seeds, and make nests in trees and sheds. Unless they're angry birds, then they enjoy catapulting into buildings to gain points."
"Dogs are loyal."
"Giraffes have no vocal cords, and communicate by vibrating the air around their neck, and texting."
"Honeybees have hairs on their eyes to help them collect pollen."
"Bears give the best bear hugs. But watch out of they linger; they may be preparing to maul you."

I believe that these tidbits, despite being embellished, perhaps insipid, and sometimes altogether fabricated, will peak the interest of passerbys. They will provide a sense of fun whimsy to PETA. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Sarah B

re: Animal Expert

Friday, March 29, 2013 10:51 AM
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"Sarah Bertrand"
Hello Sarah,
Thank you for your interest in the Toronto Zoo. Your request is currently under review. We hope to be seeing you at the Toronto Zoo soon!
Toronto Zoo Webmaster,

re: Animal Expert

Tuesday, April 2, 2013 5:31 AM
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"Sarah Bertrand"
Dear Sarah,
Thank you for your interest in the Toronto Zoo and interest in working at our site.  All job and volunteer opportunities at the Zoo are posted regularly on our website,  I would recommend that you review the current postings and submit any suitable application(s) accordingly.
Karen Conway
Volunteer Coordinator
Karen Conway  MSc. CIT 
Co-ordinator of Volunteers
Toronto Zoo - Education Branch

ASAA (Axe Apollo Space Academy) Voting!

Hey everyone! I hope you're all having a fantastic night. Although this is completely ridiculous, I'm obsessed with it. It's the Axe Apollo Space Academy application process, and it essentially will send me to the moon. Because instead of having moderate, responsible goals, I shoot for the stars and assume I will land amongst them. So PLEASE VOTE! As many times as you can, and please pass this one. Since no one on Earth wants to publish me, and Dragon's Den has chosen not to pursue Inapark this year, I shall travel to Heaven and Hell to find a publishing house! Let's take Inapark to the skies, and see how far this can take us! Huzzah!! Thanks for your support.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Survivorman Resume.

Dear Les Stroud,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a huge fan of Survivorman, as well as yourself. If the temperature and conditions are just right, I love being outside. Please accept my formal application to be your disciple in thrill seeking. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do, as long as we have a safety net and hand sanitizer. The ratings would be through the roof. I hope you will consider me as an ally option, and I hope you have a wonderful night.

To be publicly acknowledged as a Survivorman, and to be your protege on adventures.

January 2004- April 2005 Seneca College: Graduated with Honors

- has seven swimming badges
- has seen Homeward Bound, and 127 Hours
- used to frequent family trailer on weekends
- has khaki shorts, and several Swiss Army knives (only used as show pieces)
- recently learned it's Mantracker, not Manhunter; that's a very different type of show (internet based)
- has built a snow fort
- once climbed a tree, got stuck in it and cried; was in the front yard of the trailer I mentioned earlier
- has walked two dogs
- saw a bear once; silently screamed, retreated to sleeping bag, and took off glasses

- not adverse to using pills to cope with allergies, although I would prefer to avoid ragweed and pollen altogether
- loves s'mores
- got poison ivy once; now immune
- comfortable going days without bathing
- rugged
- can't make a fire, but can make ice
- can ration food, but not alcohol
- lesbian
- has long johns
- Danger is legal middle name
- enjoys nuts, mostly in tea
- not easily winded, unless walking uphill or have just eaten
- willing to scream for help until I pass out
- can't climb a rope; don't ask me to
- mediocre at differentiating poison berries

References available upon request.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hernia.

The other day, I was sampling tea at a university event called, The Power of Movement, for the tea shop I work at. It was an event focused on raising awareness, as well as money, for arthritis. It was neat to be a part of it, and I got to meet a lot of wonderful people. I also learned some interesting things about health, and taking care of your body. During these few hours that I was there, I felt a lot of things. I was impressed with the dedication of people coming out on a freezing cold day, with their yoga mats. I was surprised by the wide range of people who came to participate at the event. And I was envious, and baffled, with all the hard bodied acrobats that I had to watch silently stretch for two hours.

Now, I acknowledge that I am extremely out of shape. I really have no basis to complain, because I literally do nothing to better my situation. Healthy to me means one night switching from beer to wine, or going to bed before midnight. However, I literally could not stop thinking about these men, women, and children who were so fit and physically responsible. It made me wish so badly that I cared about yoga. And since I still don't, I decided to create a slew of more doable, and I believe relatable, yoga-ish exercises. Please keep in mind that these are meant to be done in the setting of a yoga class, but there are some that you can practice in the comfort of your own home.

Washing Alley Cat: Sit down, lift your leg above your head, and have a friend call the paramedics.

Forward Facing Crab (also called The Sour, Belligerent Raisin): There are no physical or spiritual benefits involved; just pouting while everyone else are rolling out their mats.

Paper, Rock, Scissors: Begin laying on the ground, then constrict into the fetal position. Hold pose until ten, and then two yogis drag you by your legs to a pile of coats.

Charlie Horse: Breathe, allow yourself to become aware of your thoughts. Then, allow consciousness of the searing, unreasonable pain to set in. Walk it off. There is no shame in crying.

Air Guitar: Sneer your lip, point one arm towards the sky, spread your other hand's fingers, make windmill motion. Repeat, rotating arms.

Rebate: Crawl to the front of the yoga class, sobbing and inquiring inquiring why this is happening to you. Ask if it's too late to get your money back.

Oasis: Sit off to the side of the class, drinking from your water bottle, and texting. Do not apologize.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hernia: Involves bending down in a position as to tie your shoes, and acknowledging that you may need medical assistance, or at the very least, a puffer.

Rage Pie: Involves folding in half, and attempting to touch your toes. When you're unable to, the second half consists of swearing, and Mapquesting a bakery.

I hope this piece has left you feeling energized and inspired. Please feel free to send me pictures, if you decide to take on any of these moves.

Friday, March 1, 2013

My letter to Always.

Dear Always,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 29 year old female woman who enjoys stereotypes, comfort, and irrational slogans.

Recently, I was perusing the shelves at my local convenience store, and I came across something that stopped me in my tracks. It was a dusty, enormous package of female sanitary napkins. Perhaps from the 70's, as I have never seen advertising such as this on an Always product before. It had the following caption; "Always. Enjoy being a woman, every day." 

Now Always. What in the name of all that is holy could possibly make a pad or tampon affect a woman that way? Is it the searing pain, the unrelenting discomfort, or the disappointing inconvenience?

When it's my time of the month, I thank God that I don't have children. I'm not a bad person, but I inherently know that they would inevitably neglected so that I could eat all of the food in the house, and then feel sorry for myself. Also, I adore my cats, But when Ned paws at my face at 6am for food, I struggle with contacting the shelter I got him at six years ago, and telling them that it's just not working out.

These are the following things that I have, and lack, during this week of hell.

Have: Rage, self loathing, crying spurts, irrational behaviour, gaggy tendencies, insecurities.
Lack: Patience, sensitivity, outer beauty.

I would like to offer you some more relevant, alternative slogans, since this particular one was obviously written by a middle aged, single man. There is no joy during menstruation, Always. None. Unless someone surprises you with a piece of cake, or bottle of wine.

- Always: Just, don't watch The Notebook this week.
- Always: Relax! The subway will start moving again soon. Jesus.
- Always: Get me a heating pad, and don't look me in the eye.
- Always: Pipe down with the stink eye. It's just a child, and you're not invisible.
- Always: Don't beat yourself up for eating that bag of chips.
- Always: It *is* that hot in here. You're not crazy, they are. They are.
- Always: You're beautiful. You are. No, stop. The dryer shrunk it.
- Always: Fuck! Right?!

Hopefully in the future, you will be more proactive in your quest to realistically portray the struggle that a woman feels each month. And if you're going to have kittens, or jogging in your next series of commercials, at least make sure the kittens have rabies, and that it's raining on the jogging trail, and ruins the woman's ipod. 

Sarah B

Thank you for contacting Always. [ ref:_00D70JViV._50070RmsD2:ref ]

Monday, March 4, 2013 8:16 AM
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Thanks for contacting Always.   

We rely heavily on consumer comments regarding our advertisements, and feedback like yours will help us decide how to approach future advertising efforts.  Please be assured I'm letting our marketing team know how you feel.

Thanks again for writing.
Always Team