Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My letter to Red Bull

Dear Red Bull,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 27 year old aspiring ventriloquist who enjoys Tylenol, excess energy, and crew neck t shirts.

I am a long time enjoyer of your delicious beverage, Red Bull. I work several jobs, and when fatigue seeps in, I say, No thank you natural reaction to sleep deprivation! I need me some sweet bull nectar! (slang term I coined for Red Bull) It is efficient, delicious, and I can only assume really healthy.

I drink so much of your mystic potion that I have decided to give back. To you! I have several presumably lucrative ideas for your new ad campaign that I would like to share with you.

My first idea involves me, as an actress. I'll be wearing a Red Bull tshirt, and yoga pants to imply that I'm active yet relaxed. Neither of these traits will be relevant to the commercial. So, in my tshirt and yoga inspired pants, I will be holding one of your beverages, and sipping it, as a fancy text appears underneath the screen, describing the many relateable stages of Red Bull. First, the sudden burst of energy. Then, the excited sense of hope that this might actually get you through your day in a positive and timely manner. Then of course, last, the inevitable stage of descent, after you've had about three and are in the midst of crashing. The world seems harsher, your emotions more vivid, and tears are barely below the surface. Then, a flashy new slogan slams across the entire television screen. Instead of "Red Bull gives you wings": "Red Bull gives you the agility of an exotic cat! *fin*

If that idea doesn't tickle your fancy, how about I, Sarah Bertrand, in a cape. A flowy one. Wearing a taupe women's pantsuit, running around, and jumping. Then, the camera pans to me. I am out of breathe, but smiling. Perspiration is dripping from my forehead, and I start speaking really rapidly, almost incomprehensibly: "Knock knock. Who's there?! Red Bull! Red Bull who?? Delicious!" That doesn't make sense. However, I find confusing people makes them ask less questions, and eventually buy what you're selling, so to speak. So try this one on: "What do Red Bull and childhood obesity have in common? Nothing! Drink Red Bull!" They will feel safe, and foolish if they haven't already boarded the "bull" train. Also, inspired that they too can behave the way I am upon ingesting Red Bull.

I have a few more, and you can pick and choose which slogans will go with which commercials:

"Red Bull: Give diabetes the thrill it seeks!"
"Red Bull: Gives you confidance; when partnered with vodka! (also, mild heart palpitations.)" This particular ad will have to go with a specific commercial I've been practicing for. I am in unbelievable physical shape, and have the body of a prepubescent male gymnast, so I assume I would be an excellent summersaulter. I will perform 30 in a row. I will need a unitard, some spackle, and a tamborine to perform this.

I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to hearing from your "people" regarding my immediate addition to your company. Huzzah! For Red Bull! Sweet dreams.

Sarah Bertrand

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Letter to Dr. Scholl's

Dear Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Superior Comfort Insoles,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 27 year old pet store employee who enjoys the idea of jogging, exotic crepes, and dancing.

I recently received a pair of your fancy magic rubber feet thingies (insoles) as a present for the relief of my ailing feet. You see, Dr. Scholl's, my feet are ill; with grief, and pain. I work a very lucrative retail job, that demands I be on my feet for several hours a day. Those several hours add up to tens of several, and before I know it, my foot pain has spiraled out of control. I'm often left limping and disoriented, exasperated and dispondant. Allow me to set the scene:

Me: Gosh, my feet are so sore!
My Manager: You never say `gosh`, but you sure do complain a lot about your foot pain Sarah Bertrand. Maybe you should take action. Serious action.
Me: Looks like a job for Dr. Scholl's!
My Manager: Why are you yelling? Where are you going? You already had your break! *end scene*

By this time, you're probably aware of where I'm going with all of this. I, Sarah Bertrand, am so enamored with your product, I have decided that I will offer you my services of being your spokesperson. I have several witty and ingenious ideas of promoting your product to a plethora of individuals, young and old, new and old, old and crabby (with foot pain), that you are going to be left speechless! Allow me to set a few of the scenes that I'm envisioning for your new commercials:

Me, dressed as a mid thirties semi professional entrepreneur: "Hi, I'm Sarah Bertrand. You may remember me from *chuckles* the every day average Joe. I'm you, if your feet hurt. And this product works." Then the camera will slowly pan out, and it will show that I'm standing in a pile of Dr. Scholl's rubber insoles. And I'll just start throwing them at the camera, insole after insole, to show the public that it's urgent they get them, and fit them into their own shoes. As urgent as my really fast throwing.


I dress up as an Olympic runner. My hair is pulled back into this really tight pony tail, and I'm wearing large hoop earrings. There's a twinkle in my eye (you can choose which one), and I'm stretching. Slowly. Suddenly, I look up. Up, up, waaay up. Into the sky. Then, it cuts to a starry sky, where the moon is big and bright. And then you see me start running across the sky, running across the moon. There could be a trail of stars behind me, but if you think that's unrealistic we could use a trail of flames. Then, at the end, when the audience is probably catching their breath, or wiping their eyes (from emotion), the camera pans to me, standing in an open field, and the caption, "Feet? What feet? Air is propelling me forward. Air, and blue gel. Across the sky, across the pain and discomfort... to satisfaction and relief." Then you could throw in your logo. *fin*

I look forward to working with you in the near future, and I sincerely thank you for creating such a magical and innovative product such as the one that resides currently in this dainty lady's size ten men's skate shoes. I have a new lease on life. I can probably do so many more things I was never able to before! Like samba or ju jitsu. Congratulations! To you!

Sarah Bertrand