Saturday, January 31, 2009

My letter to Mighty Putty

Dear Mighty Putty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional cage fighter who enjoys treasure, tiny ceramic flowers, and wildlife. More specifically, hedgehogs. Your product looks absolutely "sensational" (that is not a word I throw around lightly), and Billy Mays is certainly a handsome man. But that is neither here nor there.

Your Mighty Putty boasts of being able to support 350 pounds, and be able to handle just about any repair that needs to be made; even with automobiles!! This, Mighty Putty, is the news Phil Schmeckle and I have been waiting for.

You see, Billy Mays, about a year ago I took in an injured hedgehog I named Phil Schmeckle, who was missing a leg. He was involved in an "incident" I vowed I would never speak of (he's sensitive), so I will disclose that he's been very self conscious, and obviously inconvenienced by his missing appendage. I just don't make enough money to be able to afford such a tiny leg for him, nor do I have the means to construct one. Too bad they don't grow on trees! Actually, that would be one terrifying tree. If you see a leg tree, you should probably notify the authorities. Unless they're tiny! Then save one for me!

Where I'm going with this is that I'm going to need those two tubes plus four additional tubes of Mighty Putty for $19.99 plus $8.95 shipping and handling, in order to construct Phil Schmeckle a brand new, fully functioning leg. "Cut, activate, and repair!" I was wondering if you ship faster than the 3-4 weeks you have allotted for arrival? You can see the predicament I'm in, and Phil Schmeckle is so excited he can barely "stand" it! I've even told him maybe he'll be as fast as that cartoon version of himself, on that Sega Genesis video game! The blue one that's really fast?? Super Mario!

"Any job big or small, Mighty Putty repairs them all!!"

Phil Schmeckle and I look forward to this slogan definately and immediately coming true!! Thank you Mighty Putty. Or should I call you Jesus Putty?

Sarah Bertrand

Sunday, January 25, 2009

My letter to Vicks/ written as my mother

Dear Vick's,

My name is Joan Bertrand and I am a 50 some odd year old woman who enjoys breathing without hinderance, not being bamboozled, and scrambled eggs. I have a zest for life comparable to a preteen before she starts to go through puberty and gets all moody and jaded.

I trust you are having a fantastic weekend, and I will move on immediately. Right after this.

I have been battling a terrifying upper respiratory infection for some time now, and after every other option was exhausted, my doctor recommended I promptly obtain some Vick's cough drops, cherry and orange flavour. He also suggested to consume one of each color to enhance it's potency. It seemed like a logical idea, and I am not one to argue with a prescription that is being forced upon me, so I conceded.
I would have dont just about ANYTHING to cease the hacking and vomitting.

I purchased ten of each humdrum flavour, at $1.19 plus applicable taxes each. I suckled them, and even in the process I felt like I was tasting what mediocrity and injustice truly tasted like. Still Vicks, I suckled on.

I went home, tried to go about my habitual bedtime customs, consumed two Vick's cough drops; one orange, one red (symbolizing orange and cherry). I felt instant relief... for about seven seconds. Then, Vick's, I began retching and choking, choking and retching from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, like I was being strangled by a sub par product somehow.

I rolled out of bed, flailing about and clutching my throat, trying to communicate to my elderly cat Mr. Bojangles that mommy was dying, and in the process I am one hundred percent positive that my erratic behaviour brought on by Vick's agitated his heart murmur, and he had a stroke. I say, "one hundred percent positive" with a bit of hesitancy because at that point he vacated the room, but I think you will agree with me that it is a logical and appropriate assumption to make that he did so as to not upset me further. Also, so he could have his stroke in peace. I now have to make a pricey visit to the vet. I of course would never imply that I think it would be embarassing for you to *not* offer to foot the bill, however I will say that Mr. Bojangles is resilient, but not your biggest fan.

I apologize profusely, for I am getting off track.

I obviously eventually recovered from this stressful and heinous ordeal, and it was nothing short of miraculous, I can assure you.

I had to make a second trip to my doctor, and as soon as he saw my pathetic, illness stricken, unwholesome face he demanded to know what in God's name I had ingested due to the humiliating discoloration of my teeth, and my breath that he said could only be described as vile, rotten oranges and haunted cherries. He recommended that I did not speak to anyone in close contact, and haphazardly tied a filthy dish cloth across my face in case I was tempted to speak. Since I am a naturally intrusive close talker, this has proved to be extremely awkward and difficult. I had a brief stint in the emergency room where through prayer and morphine I made a speedy recovery.

Since then, I have had to buy an obscene amount of toothpaste to try and cleanse my stained teeth, and I believe you will see fit that I deserve retribution.

I seek $26.89 for all of the tablets of futility I purchased from my local drug store, and a written apology from Mr. Vick's herself.

I trust I will receive all retribution immediately, and I look forward to my presents.

Joan Massie

***RESPONSE: Jan 25, 2009***

Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:30:40 +0000
Subject: Thank you for contacting P&G. [ ref:00D7JViV.50077odFk:ref ]

Thanks for contacting us, Joan.

I'm sorry about your experience with Vicks Cough Drops. Our products are thoroughly evaluated to be safe when used as directed, and we wouldn't expect the results you described. I'm sharing your report with our Health and Safety Division. Meanwhile, please hold on to any remaining product for two weeks in the event our Health and Safety Division needs to retrieve it.

Your satisfaction is important to us, so I'm sending a refund for two of the products you purchased. You should receive it in 2-3 weeks. We'd also like to see the remaining products so we can better understand what's happening. Please send the items to Procter & Gamble, Attn: Consumer Relations, 4711 Yonge St., Toronto, Ontario M2N 6K8. Remember to include your name, mailing address, and the following reference #: 464738. We suggest sending the product guaranteed delivery. Once we receive the products, we'll review for further compensation (including postage). For answers to medical questions, we recommend you speak with your doctor who will be able to give you the best advice.

Thanks again for getting in touch.

Vicks Team

Saturday, January 17, 2009

My letter to Sea Well Optical

Dear Sea Well Optical,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old monacle polisher that enjoys aquafit aerobics, unimpeded vision, and fancy pantyhose. You know, with designs.

I recently was visiting a mall in Markham, and came across your store, "Sea Well Optical". Needless to say, I was confused, anxious, and sullen when all I wanted was to find a vision treatment centre to discover a new pair of trendy yet affordable frames.

The name, "sea well", is a baffling conundrum that I found to be more than misleading. I briefly felt on top of the world that I had found a foreign treasure unlike any other, until I walked into your store of lies and disappointment. Due to your very specific and misleading name, I expected to enter your emporium and be warmly greeted by illiterate dolphins, or learning delayed crustaceans at the entrance. This did not occur, Sea Well Optical. In addition, the obvious mispelling of the word "see" caused an unfortunate series of events that ended with myself lost at sea off the coast of North Korea, not to mention the fact that my vision remains blurred and I believe tampered with, since I was fooled into traveling instead of purchasing my aforementioned spectacles. This all consequently lead to a plethora of unfortunate events where anyone with any logic would question my morals and sense of self worth, but I can confidantly attribute every scandalous and unspeakable act to a bad judgement call as a result of Sea Well turmoil. I am not responsible for anything, and you are.

The retribution I seek, Sea Well Optical, is immediately fixing your signage, as well as sending a written apology to me, Sarah Bertrand, for all the pain and unnecessary stress I have had to endure as a result of your neglect. I'd like some sea shells to entangle in my luscious locks as a decorative statement of my stature in society, ooh, and also like, ten bucks.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, Sea Well Optical..

Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Koodo

Dear Koodo,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old professional mascot groomer, who has had enough with your flashy advertisements.

I understand that you're trying to be satirical, poking fun with the retro trendy vibe your campaign overtly screams, however it only succeeds in excreting an obnoxious, juvenile semblance that is only enhanced by the vibrant trashy colors that are spewed throughout your campaign.

"Jingle bells, contracts smell, the system access fee laid an egg." This, this Koodo, is your slogan for one of your ads.

The retribution I seek is for someone from your company to please email me immediately and explain to me what the hell that means.

I thank you for your time, and hope you have a fantastic weekend.

Sarah Bertrand.

***RESPONSE: JANUARY 20TH, 2009***

Re: constructive criticismTuesday, January 20, 2009 2:47 PM
From: "Koodo Customer Service" Add sender to Contacts
To: "''"

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for contacting us. We sincerely regret to hear of your recent unsatisfactory experience with our ads, and we appreciate that you have taken the time to express your dissatisfaction.

Koodo Mobile is dedicated to providing the exemplary customer service that you deserve. Efforts are in place to monitor the service that we currently offer, and to further improve our customer relations in the future.

It is the feedback from customers, such as you, that will continue to guide us in this commitment. Complaints and suggestions received through emails are compiled and submitted in a monthly report, which serves as the basis towards planned improvements to existing services.

Jennifer B

Koodo Mobile Customer Service
T: 1-866-99-KOODO E:

I need to add that a representitive from Koodo actually came into my place of work to speak to me personally about my letter. He was fantastic, very fair, and actually complimented my writing! Koodo, regardless of my petty gripes, your customer service is impeccable. Well done.

My letter to Four Paws

Dear Four Paws,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi inspirational speaker, and animal enthusiast.

While shopping at a local pet store, I came across your Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product. Since Schmoopy, my shih- lhasa bichon- terrier, or "exotic hybrid" as PJs Pet Store called her when I purchased her, has issues with her teeth, I decided that this product was a necessity that day.

I purchased your Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product in good faith, without reading the back of the box, and started on my long trek home. (I have to walk 30 miles in the snow, barefoot, each way, but my purebred puppy is worth it).

I took it home, out of the package, and sat Schmoopy down. This is when I decided to read the directions. That, Four Paws, is when this whole operation went awry. I'm not entirely sure how your manager of marketing or operations conceded that it was possible for any animal to sit down and open it's mouth with no resistance until it's teeth are good and clean, but the directions you have consigned are completely unrealistic. You may as well assign directions on how to use telepathy to guide your canine to scoop it's own feces.

Don't even get me started on the flavour your inferior company offers. Mint? Why mint? Dogs don't like mint. They like chicken, beef, or poop.

The statistics you haphazardly threw onto your package were clearly fabricated to fit your agenda, plus I heard that Four Paws dental products cause 87% of all gum disease. Ever. Even in humans.

In conclusion, I believe it's a fair statement to say that everything your company spawns should immediately be discarded. I don't think it's out of line for me to ask for you, Four Paws, to cease production immediately, and dispatch a letter of apology to me personally, for all of my troubles. As well as the cost of the Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment product, to which I cannot remember how much I paid, but I'm sure it was unacceptable.

Sarah Bertrand

***RESPONSE: JANUARY 19TH, 2009***

RE: displeasure with Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment
Monday, January 19, 2009 8:28 AM
From: "Customer Service - Four Paws" Add sender to Contacts

Dear Ms. Bertrand,

I do apologize for your dissatisfaction with the Pet Dental Product that you purchased. Brushing dogs teeth is a very common practice. Not an easy one for sure, but determination prevails. Our new line of Natural Dental Products is Mint flavored, which many dogs do enjoy. We do also make dog toothpaste in Poultry & Beef flavors. As far as the statistics, you claim were "hap-hazardly thrown" on our label, we are not allowed by law to state things that arent true. Unlike, your ridiculous statement that 87% of gum disease is caused by our products. I am sorry you will no longer be purchasing our products, you and your pet will be missing out on wonderful things, manufactured by a reputable company. Best Regards,


Customer Service
Four Paws Products, LTD
50 Wireless Blvd.
Hauppauge, NY 11788
(631) 434-1100 - Phone
(631) 434-1183 - Fax


RE: displeasure with Four Paws: Pet Dental Advanced Dental Care Tarter Control Treatment
Monday, January 19, 2009 4:36 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details To: "Customer Service - Four Paws"

Dear Dana,

I thank you tremendously for your email back in regards to my email of displeasure. Although I am sure you are paid an obscene amount of money to cater to the demands of your employer, as well as covering up the company you work for's sub par products. I respect that Dana, and you know what? I like you. 63% of my heart tells me I should forgive Four Paws, and you know what Dana? That's the majority, and that's good enough for me. Although I can't negotiate my self respect with you, I will tell you that I`ll give your company another chance if you send me a prototype of a new flavour of toothpaste for me to try on my puppy. I want it to be titled, Tangerine Whimsy, and to smell like fruit and magic. Congratulations on doing a fabulous job Dana. I`m not going to groom my dog in any way until I receive your package. My canine`s canines depend on you, Dana. Have a great night!

Warmest regards.

Sarah Bertrand.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Ny letter to PETA

Dear PETA,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old animal enthusiast, who enjoys whole wheat, rescuing injured hamsters, and creating awareness. In general.

I work at a popular radio station in Toronto, and I came across your story today and decided it was far too compelling to let pass without proper attention.

You, PETA, have decided that the carnivores of the world don't feel bad enough about their blood thirsty needs, and they need to be further penalized by playing Webster's rabid minion and completely changing the name of a creature to fit your agenda.

I'm trying to put myself in your mindset and understand your train of thought. So, you don't want people to eat fish. So, how do you make fish more appealling... wait. People love kittens. They're furry and cute. No one wants to eat kittens. If people thought of seafood as furry and cute, they wouldn't eat it! And PETA would reign supreme! So, let's launch a nationwide campaign to rename fish: "Sea kitten"??? Are you serious? Do you really think that will fly, anywhere?

PETA, I respect your quest for animal equality immensely. Why, I have two hamsters at home that are missing eyes and ears, and I love them tremendously. But where do we draw the line?? Where do we get protein? Fish like to be eaten. It's their destiny. They understand that they're delicious, and don't blame us weak willed humans for consuming them with tartar sauce or perhaps a malt vinegar.

As for those poor residents of Montana that are being asked to change their name from Whitefish High School to Sea Kitten High School.. well, after being rendered speechless momentarily, I have collected my thoughts would like to express them through the means of interpretive dance.

I believe I have made my point, counteracting sheer ridiculousness with immature sarcasm. I understand that at this point you're probably not a huge fan of me... but what if I was a bunny? Everyone likes bunnies. They're cute and hoppy and they bring chocolate eggs.

Sarah "Land Bunny" Bertrand.

My letter to Snuggie

Dear Snuggie,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old semi professional graffiti artist who enjoys comfort, monster feet slippers, and not being taken advantage of.

I recently came across your bizarre and somehow wildly popular television advertisement, and I was inspired enough to scamper over to my computer, push my ailing grandmother to the floor (she was definately hogging it), and write you a passionate and thought provoking letter.

Snuggie, you have not convinced me that I need your product. Your slogan boasts, "The blanket with sleeves!", and this statement leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. A sour taste of fleece and lies. Although your product does come in many colors pleasing to the eye, such as burgundy, royal blue, and sage green, the concept in itself baffles me. Do you believe consumers won't realize that a blanket will do the exact same job, for a lot cheaper? Hell, even if you have a fever, you can throw on a sweater or jacket in addition to that blanket, and still won't have to go through the trouble of ordering and waiting on your mystical cloak of futility. Even with the promise of a free booklight with your purchase, and even with the affirmation that I will receive not one but two of these ridiculous atrocities, and *even* though that fleecey heinousness is being peddled for the reasonable price of only $29.95 plus shipping and all applicable taxes, I still believe that you owe me more.

Snuggie, I don't feel as though you've put your heart and soul into this project, and I demand retribution. I would like a limited edition prototype constructed in my honor, and sent to me immediately. In order to please me, you must have the back of the Snuggie bedazzled with tasteful rhinestones, and I'd like flashing lights to spell out my name. Sarah Bertrand. I'm not a fan of the colors you have offered, so I'm sure you'll have no problem manufacturing a rich pink hue to adorn my Snuggie. If I am jubilant with the final result, I will expect you to send me several Snuggies in the exact same manner in which I just described. In addition, four booklights, and $29.95 plus shipping and applicable taxes for my troubles. Also, I am willing to offer my services as your spokesperson, for I am searching for a sponser. You know, to sponser my every day living. I will send you headshots, and you can send me compliments.

I look forward to my presents immediately.

Sarah Bertrand

Sunday, January 4, 2009

My letter to


My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old daydreamer who enjoys fashion, retro trendsetting, and vibrant clashy colors that at a glance can send someone into a seizure induced coma.

I am on the quest for a sponser for my every day life, I am a fun loving, adventurous jezebel, and I believe I would be the perfect representitive for your company; specializing in slap bracelets. Remember those nifty accessories from the eighties? Kids immediately started abusing them and there were tons of slap bracelet related injuries so they all got recalled. Except at your fine store! I know mine were all confiscated as soon as my mom caught my brother and I in the middle of a rousing game of, "slap bracelet slap facelet".

I could be your puppet, a walking billboard of marvel, with free swag, and my sole purpose would be to promote your company. I would elicit disbelief and morbid fascination, and your sales would boom! Straight through the roof! Everyone would be jealous that you thought to capitalize on youth, and people's fruitless and embarassing quest to recapture their childhood!!!

I will send some really flattering and professional headshots to hopefully tickle your fancy. Have a fantastic weekend, and I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sarah Bertrand

Saturday, January 3, 2009

My letter to Belvedere Vodka

Dear Belvedere Vodka,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old nursing student that thinks you are delicious. You, and your entire operation.

Last night you made me feel like the cat's meow. You are dangerous though, Belvedere Vodka. You are a tricky monkey. You are one high class, exquisitely constructed beverage, and you made me feel like I was consuming water all night long.You are not water, Belvedere Vodka. Water does not make me feel like this the next morning.

This letter is not to reprimand though; my intention is only to praise, and give you the offer of a lifetime.

I would love to promote your brand of magic in my every day life. I'm your average Joe, representing an important demographic for your company to please: the "drunken girl who doesn't respect herself all that much and lives modestly" demographic. I believe your consumers will appreciate what you've set out to accomplish in your noble mission to make everyone feel equally important.

I will send you a series of headshots for you to choose from, as well as my contact information. Thank you, Belvedere Vodka. I don't feel confidant in saying I'm entirely sober right now, so I will leave you with something I am confidant in saying: Last night, you were responsible for me being on my A game. I truly felt I was fabulous, charming, and really really hilarious. In reality I was probably being disgusting and obnoxious and I should be ashamed of myself, but for those few hours that I was slamming back your delicious nectar, I was the King. And you, you Belvedere Vodka; you were my royal steed. That means horse.

I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sarah Bertrand