Monday, October 22, 2012

Inapark Suggests: Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas.

The Halloween season is approaching, and I for one can admit that I have a hard time making a costume decision. I keep putting it off until the very last minute. I panic, and either don't dress up, or dress up as something that doesn't make sense to anyone but me. In case there are more of you out there, I have decided to give you a list of costume ideas, for the last minute Lisas, like myself.

Show up at a party with an antique that you don't care about. You will definitely lose it, damage it, spill booze on it, or depending on which area of the city you're partying at, have it stolen. This is okay, because you don't care about it. It will all be worth it when everyone looks at you with confusion, angry that you even showed up, and you proudly announce that you are The Antiques Roadshow.

Everyone loves a mystery, especially at Halloween. Won't it be a hoot when you show up to said party, and completely ignore everyone? When you leave, and someone asks you the next day what you were, you can text them, "A thief." This is only appropriate if you're willing to fully commit to your "costume", and also never speak to any of those people again.

A long time ago, just in case, I purchased a dinosaur hat "mask" from Dollarama. You never know, right? I thank my lucky stars that I did. Because for Halloween, I am wearing it and going out as Jurassic Park. Either that, or Jeff Goldblum. Get it?

Now, I don't know about you, but I own a onesie. Laugh if need be, but they're so sensible, and I have literally never worn anything as comfortable in my entire life. It's like a special hug, that never stops; even when you get the sweats and wish it would. The only downfall; late night bathroom trips. However, still worth it. Hours before I was supposed to go to a Halloween party I was invited to, I was lazing around in my giant onesie, deciding what I should be. I was sick, and a disgusting, needy, infectious mess. I thought to myself, "I wish I didn't have to change." But wait! What if I didn't change?? That's when it hit me. I could be a germ! I definitely already was one, in the contagious sense, and was already feeling anti social. What better way to acceptably be able to go out, sit in the corner sulking all night, eating a bowl of chips to myself, trying to pet the inevitable mean cat that lurks at every party?! A germ.

Wanna be a chef? Grab a spatula, and you're good to go. When someone tries to talk to you, or wants you to help out in the kitchen, you have every right to get angry. You're no one's maid. In the same sense, walk around with a pen and be a writer. It doesn't take much. Trust me.

A bedsheet over your head, as a ghost, is always hilarious.

If you're like me, and always looking for an excuse to bring your cats out, you can be a crazy cat lady. Otherwise known as all lesbians. You can wear a house coat, and stick tissues inside the wrists. Scrunchies are always fun, and every five minutes you can screech, "Who wants a treat?!" Your welcome.

Locate a wand, or mysterious looking stick, and be a magician! Just make sure you have a trick ready to perform; no one likes a non functional magician. You will literally ruin the party. Smarten up.

Everyone loves to be something that's current, and I think the kids say, "hip". There's nothing more current and important than the tragic last installment of the Twilight series. I have only seen the first one, and I was furious that I did. I was dragged there by a friend, opening day. I could barely hear the lackluster dialogue because every single time Robert Pattinson came onto the screen, all that could be audible were the collective screams of the preteens with homemade "I love Edward" t-shirts. Everyone loves being a famous person, so strap on a pensive scowl, and go out as Kristen Stewart. Really commit though; don't smile or laugh all night, and if you're there with someone, cheat on them.

Never underestimate the power of the "guy with a" costume. For example, Guy-With-A-Fanny-Pack, Guy- With-A-Mustache, or Guy-With-A-Gourd. These are all relevant costumes. I swear!

If you're still not excited about any of my suggestions, what about a talking mime? Regular mimes are terrifying, but how approachable and neat would you look, describing everything that you're doing? "I am stuck in a box. Why can't I get out of this box? Does someone have a key? Is this thing on??"

Then there's always the "cereal killer"; har har. So what you'll do is carry a box of cereal around, and claim the identity of a notorious murderer. Remembering specific details of the crime scene, or making some up and claiming that you're the only one who would know them anyway, is a fun way to add a spooky sense of discomfort to the crowd. Just be careful not to go too far; one phone call to the police will definitely "kill" that party real fast.

Who enjoys reality TV?? I do I do! Wear some tattered slacks, and a bandana around your wrist, and be a contestant on Survivor! Don't break character though; make sure you frequently rifle through the other party guests purses and murses, in search of the idol.

Last but not least, I called Grandma Ruth, and asked her, "If someone wanted to be you for Halloween, what would they have to do, eat, and wear?" The following is her exact answer. I couldn't have written it better myself:

"Well, I'm really into my jeans lately. And my pink and green plaid shirt, I've been wearing that one a lot. That's my current favorite. You'd have to wear flat shoes; running shoes. Oh! No, those shoes I wore to the wedding. You know those ones? You don't? Well, you should wear those shoes. And you'd have to flatten your hair at the back, and have it sticking up. At lunch the other day, Jim Lyons said, 'Ruth! You need to bring a comb with you, and go to the bathroom.' And I said, 'Jim! It wouldn't help. It'd just go back like that.' And he said, 'Ruth! You're enough to drive me crazy!' I love my grandchildren, and great grandchildren. So you'd have to talk about them a lot. Are you going to be me? Do you want a sweater? I can give you a few pictures of the twins. You can show people the twins. They're so cute. Do you want some pictures? Wait a minute, wait a minute... oh you're not going to be me? Well who's going to be me? Your friends are going to get sick of your crazy Grandma stories Sarah! Hm, what's that? What would Ruth Massie be excited to see if she went to a party. Ohhh, cheesies. I love cheesies. I got a small bag for you the other day, to go with your sandwich, but I ate it. I'll buy you a new one. I love cheesies, and I love popcorn but I can't eat it, because of my teeth. I bet your friends don't have a crazy Grandma like you do! Do you want a few pictures of the twins?"

Obviously I'm partial to the Grandma Bee costume, but I hope you anyone who's thus far been sitting on the fence, or completely undecided about what to be, has found more clarity. If you still haven't decided what to be, and haven't found this helpful at all, well Grandma says you can be her favorite dirty joke; a white horse, that's fallen in the mud.

Monday, October 15, 2012

My letter to NASA, Felix Baumgartner, Red Bull, Rockstar, and Belvedere Vodka. So far.

Dear NASA,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am an ambitious, level headed writer who enjoys kisses from kittens, keeping up to date on current events, and breaking records.

Recently, there has been some hullabaloo regarding a brazen daredevil throwing Red Bull out of a spacecraft to break the sound barrier. I believe that's the gist, I didn't quite follow the coverage. Obviously whatever happened was quite impressive, and I was struck with a moment of envious, sulk inspiration. I am writing to you, requesting your sponsorship, or some sort of hefty grant, to perform the world's most foolish, unreasonable, magnificent act of bravery. In the name of my blog, Inapark Productions, I will jump from the surface of the moon. A space where no man, woman or child has dared to occupy. I will scissor kick through the Milky Way. I will plummet past Orion's Belt. I will perform these feats with no oxygen mask, Martian armor, or parachute. I will safely land in some ocean, or onto quaggy greenery that is successfully situated for a safe and unforgettable landing.

I do hope my enthusiasm was catching, and I'd be elated to work with you on this project. I am desperate to find a publisher for my two self published books, The Best of Inapark Productions, and Sketch, and I feel as though this is the most rational way to gain exposure. Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to definitely hearing from you. "Straight to the moon, Alice! Pow! Right in the kisser!"  I apologize if anyone there is named Alice.  I wasn't trying to be aggressive, I was merely quoting a show called The Honeymooners. It stars Jackie Gleason, who's character is verbally abusive towards his wife Alice, played by Audrey Meadows. I could have omitted the last part. He really does love her though. And I really do love the moon, and am committed to this caper. Sweet dreams, NASA.

Sarah Bertrand

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

My letter to Ebay.

Dear Ebay,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 29 year old online shopping enthusiast who enjoys rare comic books, robots, and oddities. I have been alluding you for years, and I think it's finally time we talk. I think you really need to ease up on the demographic of fickle consumers who refuse to think before they act; ie. myself, Sarah Bertrand. I believe that you have a sensational website, with a great concept; neat nick nacks easily available within seconds. Sometimes the excitement is so much, I literally add 30 things to my cart, while holding my breath, so I don't lose out on anything. You can't fault me for that. There are so many shiny, special things to look at, that it's almost impossible to be reasonable while perusing through all of your treasures. 

I have recently been informed that I am "not allowed" to "buy" presents for "myself", "anymore". This is apparently due to the fact that the other day, I committed to buy 13 comic books and two busts. That's 15 things, Ebay! Obviously I had no intention of buying 15 things. How dare you try and pressure me into following through on something that I promised! You have made your point, and I "understand" the lesson you are forcing upon me. I get it, Ebay. So, since I hate going to bed angry, I'm sorry for my irresponsible trickery, and I can assure you that it won't happen again. But I do need to add some staples to my collection, that you possess, so please save me the hassle of creating another new email address, and a new identity, and just erase those ugly red flags from my account. Thank you very much for your time, and I look forward to your apology.

Sarah B

Monday, October 8, 2012

Inapark Reviews: Taken 2

This afternoon, my girlfriend and I decided to go and see a movie, to celebrate this festive, feel good holiday (unless you're American; then it's soaked in blood and denial). We're both huge Liam Neeson fans, so we were really excited that there was a sequel to the action thriller Taken, that was released about four years ago. The Taken series keeps the same director, Olivier Megaton, which is cool because it sounds like "Megatron". I pictured this massive transforming robot, pushing buttons and flying through the sky in a trail of fire with Phoenix. Oh ya, Megababe Famke Janssen played Lenore, Liam Neeson's wife. She was also Jean Grey in the X-Men series.

Basically, the theme of the film is revenge. Bryan Mills (Neeson), kills literally everyone in the last movie; so in this movie, all of the bad guys have families that are pissed. They decided that this time, instead of just kidnapping his daughter, Kim (Maggie Grace), because it worked out so well for them previously, that they're going to snatch the whole Mills clan. Easy peasy, as Gordon Ramsey would say. However, there are complications; that being Liam Neeson is one bad ass mofo, who can predict every event, karate chop, and kidnapping before it happens. I know that everyone's expecting me to rip this movie apart, because I never seem to be happy, but it was awesome. It's intelligent, interesting, somehow kinda realistic. I will say that it still kills me in any movie, when the bad guys are just so terrible at everything. Like, they're the bad guys. You would assume they could shoot accurately, or at least get into a fight and tag team their target, instead of taking turns and trying to hit him one by one, until they're all paralyzed or dead. Like, be a proactive gang member guys. Geez. And the amount of time Lenore Mills was literally dragged from location to location, barely conscious and not putting up any fight at all except to yell, "Let me go!", started to get tiresome. If that was me, I`d straight up drop my legs. I`m not helping you to abduct me. Drag me, see how far that gets you. You`ll get over me pretty darn fast when you have to carry this sack of potatoes around Istanbul. Willona was livid that she wasn`t murdered immediately, for the sole reason that she was an inconvenience. We also had preteens, that I can only assume were enjoying their first day out of the house without parental supervision, screaming and yammering behind us at an unreasonable volume. "Who's that guy?! Is he the guy that killed all those other guys?!" "What's your pop mixed with?! I hate Sprite?! Can I have some more of your drink??" So she was kinda cranky to begin with. Understandably so. 

Kim, the nimble and crafty daughter, also ran around setting up bombs around Istanbul so Bryan could audibly figure out where he was, acquire a gun. NO ONE CARED about these bombs. Like, it's Istanbul; not Iraq. You'd think that even a concerned citizen would peek their head out of their window; nothing. Make an anonymous phone call to the authorities. Nope. "Explosion? Ah I'm sure it'll all work itself out." Tidbit; if you're ever trying to escape a dangerous situation, all of the houses and buildings in Istanbul are conveniently built real close to each other. You can literally run to freedom via the rooftops.

It was also my first experience with Ultra AVX; I still don't get what I paid three extra dollars for. The screen's bigger, and the seats rock. First of all, it's not like you're privy to hidden footage that the regular sized screens don't allow you to see. Not even seeing more of the room that the characters are in. Like maybe some neat antiques, or classy drapes. And secondly, I have motion sickness. So I'll keep my chair stable, thank you very much. I don't appreciate even having the option to treat my viewing experience like I'm on a ship in high winds. 

Nevertheless, this movie was sincerely entertaining, and definitely worth watching. These days, I think it's pretty impossible to escape the staple cliches that every movie genre offers. And even though the ending is predictable, you're happy that it ends up that way. As opposed to not caring, or actually rooting for the irritating or less significant characters to be murdered. 

Friday, October 5, 2012

List of Words I'm Going To Start Saying.

- sensational.
- verbose.
- vehicular.
- buzz- worthy.
- gauche.
- velour.
- prose.
- Scientology.
- Doppelganger.
- behoove.
- votive.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Stunt Double Resume. (So far sent to Ellen Degeneres, and John Stamos.)

Stunt Double Resume.
Sarah Bertrand

To scissor kick my way onto the silver screen, and improve my core. Also, to trick someone into immortalizing me on camera, while barely adequately replacing a trained Hollywood professional. (I will be a stunt double for action sequences, documentaries or dramatic monologues. Not suspenseful scenes, comedy, or romance. No nude scenes, unless I've had a few drinks and I'm guaranteed airbrushing.) 

January 2004- April 2005 Seneca College: Graduated with Honors

- For three weeks, at the age of seven, was enrolled in gymnastics; consequently kicked out for crying and refusing to perform a "star jump" off of a pummel horse.
- Been around cats my whole life; assume I've taken on some of their agility.

- Did two months of "Turbo Jam", off and on.
- Enrolled at "Curves" for a year and a half; went six times.
- Strong.
- Unrealistic.
- Joined the YMCA; went once, for ten minutes, left angry and got cheesecake.
- Passionate.; illusions of grandeur.
- did Groupon boot camp for two months; could do 13 whole jumping jacks before having to silently crawl off into the bushes like a wounded animal, and vomit.
- Proud.

References Available Upon Request