Dear Sofia Coppola,
Hi! My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 31 year old writer from Toronto, Canada. I recently viewed your 2013 blockbuster hit, The Bling Ring, on Netflix. Let me tell you, it had everything; intrigue, danger, Emma Watson. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
It really got me thinking. It quite specifically got me thinking, how can I rip that movie off while still appearing ingeniously creative, and somehow get Sofia Coppola excited about collaborating with me? I should tell you now that although I technically have no experience writing movies, I do own several box sets, and upwards of three leather bound books.
That being said, I now present to you, The Reasonable Ring! Also inspired by true events, three wacky fame obsessed teens track unknowing celebs, with the objective of stealing practical items from their houses to sell them at a sensible price for future use. The teens will be played by Selena Gomez, Parker Posey, and Andrea from the popular post pubescent soap opera, 90210.
What items will be sought after with this hypothetical hit? How about Benedict Cumberbatch's reusable grocery bags, or Adam Lambert's tinted chapstick? Maybe some Pam nonstick spray from Melissa McCarthy's pantry, or Madonna's shoelaces? Hey, is that a certificate of authenticity for Tonya Harding's crowbar?! (For example, people will say.) I will create said certificates to add to the element of legitimacy of our mockumentary. Here is an example.
Right?! Okay, now picture this, if you will.
This is me. A youthful, really feminine cat burglar. I am not in truth a cat burglar, but it might be fun for me to have a cameo. Again, technically I'm not an actor but I do love cats and feel if given the right footwear I could be really sneaky and believable while burgling. Perhaps ballet slippers, but we can discuss that maybe over brunch. Allow me to set the scene. I sneak into Ellen Degeneres' house, my slippers silently gliding over her homemade deck and into her kitchen. I can do a couple of soliloquys to emotionally engage the audience, and then I steal her cat litter. I'm going to have to actually insist this gets included in our movie.
The music by Daniel Lopatin and Brian Reitzell was wonderful, albeit a little smarmy. I'm willing to put in the work to score the entire project, but be forewarned that every song will sound like that well known dramatic blues riff. You have my word that the lyrics will appropriately correspond with the situation unraveling onscreen though. For example:
"Dun nuhnuhnuhnuh. Broke into Paul Rudd's house. Dun nuhnuhnuhnuh. Took an entire set of steak knives. Dun nuhnuhnuhnuh. Saw some pocket change on the counter. Dun nuhnuhnuhnuh. Left it alone, it was probably his wife's..." Again we're only targeting celebrities. We're not monsters.
Thank you for your time, and I look forward to working with you immediately.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Oh heeeyyy Michionne from AMC's The Walking Dead. Here's a copy of my book for you, sorry I look like a deer caught in headlights, it's just that I wish we were married. One day Danai Gurira. One day...
Lena Dunham being so lovely and attentive at her book launch of Not That Kind of Girl.
No, YOU'RE funnier Lena Dunham. No you are. Alright fine, it's a tie. And yes I'll be your new best friend.