Saturday, June 20, 2009

My letter to Softpedia, makers of The Noodle Eater's Hair Guard

Dear Softpedia,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old woman who enjoys spackle, semi professional photography, and trading recipes.

I recently came across your ingenious invention, The Noodle Eater's Hair Guard, and immediately began preparing a package of Mr. Noodle for consumption. I haven't even received my Noodle Eater's Hair Guard in the mail yet, so you can ascertain my level of excitement! Huzzah! Finally, a reason to start eating carbs again!!

You, Softpedia, would not believe the amount of money I have been needlessly dispensing on hair ties, barrettes, clips, and the like. Imagine me, a sophisticated important business woman, getting an expensive haircut or style (to be worn down), and having to go to an important elegant dinner where pasta is being served. Put my hair in a ponytail?? NO THANKS! Why, I'd rather strap a doily to my face and eat with class. No more pesky strands of hair threatening the deliciousness of my meal.

Softpedia, you have given me, and many others like myself, a new lease on life. Now meal time won't be such a stressful event. Instead of dining hour consisting of me eating popsicles while lying on my back (because really, that's the safest route to go when you don't want to be hassled with pulling your hair back into a ponytail), now I can pretty much smash whatever I want into my face, free of embarassment!

Two questions: does it come in any color other than salmon? Also, will it work for red meat, exotic fruits, and Jello?

Thank you, Softpedia. I look forward to my exciting mealtime apparatus making it's way onto my delicate face. Until then, I shall famine.

Sarah Bertrand

Friday, June 19, 2009

My letter to Comfort Wipe


Dear Comfort Wipe,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old interpretive dancer who enjoys reminiscing about '80's trends, building modest towers out of Jello cubes, and maintaining her self respect.

By the grace of God, I recently came across your commercial for "Comfort Wipe" on youtube, and was struck with the urge to contact you immediately. As the one minute and forty seconds slowly ticked by on your outstanding advertisement chronicling how regular toilet paper wiping is so "last year", your solution that the only logical solution would be to attach some to a acrylic stick contoured to what you would assume someone's rear is shaped as was nothing short of brilliant. I was left with a taste in my mouth I cannot describe. Wait.. I'll try. That taste was shock. Nay, shock mixed with confusion, and relief.

As you state in your commercial, for "over one hundred years, we have been scrunching and folding toilet paper." I thought that I was the only person in existence that is tired of suffering with painstaking conventional ways to wipe myself. How is a lady such as myself supposed to function normally, knowing that every time she has to go to the bathroom, the sheer panic that grips her bladder at the thought of what to do with the toilet paper, just isn't worth it in the end. Sometimes, I would rather soil myself than have to worry about proper paper protocol. The anxiety attacks that derive from the unreasonable folding, bunching tissue debacles inevitably leaves me feeling depressed, and dysfunctional.

Heck, I've tried several things to make the process go by more smoothly, but nothing works. Origami toilet paper animals, decorative tissue paper normally used to embellish small to medium sized presents, I've even thought about constructing some sort of complicated contraption (possibly with a motor), to ease the process, but so far I only have blueprints.
The only thing that makes "Comfort Wipe" more appealing is the reasonable price of $19.99 plus applicable taxes. I know you guys say it's a $40 value, but I truly believe that you have lowballed yourselves.

"Place tissue and use, press and release soiled tissue, and toss!" It's as easy as one, two, weird! I have ordered a "Comfort Wipe", and refuse to use toilet paper in any other fashion until I receive it in the mail.
Thank you, people at "Comfort Wipe". You are the truly the unsung heroes of today.

Sarah Bertrand