My letter to Cool Beer

Dear Cool Beer,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old Chia Pet enthusiast, who enjoys antique hourglasses, hakka style chicken, and beer labels that contain some sort of ferocious animal.

About an hour ago, I was consuming some delicious spicy hakka style chicken, with white sticky rice, stir fried vegetables, and a Cheetah Beer beverage. My girlfriend, Holly, said I should get it because of it's name, and I agreed it was humorous and the notion of broadening my beer horizons excited me. The chicken was a little too spicy for my taste, and the beer, at first, seemed mediocre. Holly said it had an aftertaste of a bag of garbage that had been set on fire, but I think she was being a tad out of line. Post consumption, I didn't think anything was awry.. until, that is, we got home.

I began pacing around my living room in a panicked, primal manner. In circles. Growling at everything and being territorial. At first, I didn't realize what I was doing could be construed as odd. However, as I sit here atop the drapes, yelling my thoughts to Holly to translate into a serious email to you, I think that there is a problem. A big problem. And the problem is called, me now being a cheetah.

I just ate a raw porkchop, and I'm running around so fast, even my cats can't catch me. Please send the antidote immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to another Spammer

October 11, 2009

On Sat, 10/10/09, Lione Prez wrote:

From: Lione Prez
Subject: Dear Beloved,
To:
Received: Saturday, October 10, 2009, 9:52 AM

Dear Beloved,
I am Madam Lione Prez-a citizen of philippine,widow, and legitimate heir to the late former Minister of finance who was assassinated for been working with the ex-president Joseph .E in philippine.

I inherited a total sum of 5 million dollars my late husband, The presure from my decease husband's family for this money has compelled me to leave Manila and have the money which is concealed in a metallic trunk box is deposited with a security and finance company Burkina Faso under a secret arrangement as a family treasure.
This means that the security company does not know the content of this box that was shipped from the Philippine to Burkina Faso under a diplomatic coverage.

My purpose of asking for your assistance boil down to the fact that I don't want my late husband's family to be aware or name involve, and the deposit statement of the box authorized the company to make this box avaliable for shipment on request only to my foreignbussiness representative, though unname.

Hence I want you to contact the the security company as my bussiness partner / associate, after receiving the prove from me to enable the company release the consigment to you diplomatically, while I join you on the arrival of the box.

I have recently paid all demurrage ,storage charges and the shipment fee, all you need do is to help me contact the security company and introduce yourself as my bussiness partner / associate ,requesting the shipment of the box to your address which you will provide.

And as soon as Diplomatic shipping agent approved the shipment and tell you the arrival date of the box then I will join you to give you 15% of the money instantly before I go on with the proposed investment in your domain provided is secured and investment friendly.Please if you are interested and willing to represent me as my bussiness partner / associate kindly write me as soon as possible.

I awaits your urgent response
Best wishes
Madam Lione Prez.
***
--- On Sat, 10/10/09, Sarah Bertrand wrote:

From: Sarah Bertrand
Subject: Re: Dear Beloved,
To: prez.lione@yahoo.com.hk
Received: Saturday, October 10, 2009, 8:13 PM

this is incredible.. this is the opportunity of a lifetime! how can i begin my quest as soon as possible?
***

Confirm this mail...Sunday, October 11, 2009 6:41 AM
From: "Lione Prez" Add sender to Contacts
To: "Sarah Bertrand"
My Dear Partner,
Thanks for your email and your sincere understanding to help and do this business with me. I will be very greatful to you and expecialy to God who have directed me to choose only you in this great venture to rescue me out of the lion den to live a better life in your country, you may not understand very well why i use the word "lion den" i am going through hell right here in the Philippines and i have gone through a lot of humiliation in the hands of this wicked and heartless family of my late husband, but i strongly beleive that if you are able to help me retreive this box of money from the security company to your end which means my life will come back to normal again when i join you soonest.

You will have to help me in bringing this box of money out of the security company where the money was deposited, that is the more reason why I contacted you because I will not want our family name to be involved in this great transaction for some security reasons of my safety and the safety of my funds. All you have to do to make this transaction a true successful venture is to call the security company and give them your correct safe residential address where you want the box of money to be deliver, then they will use their diplomatic power to ship the money to your address with immediate effect. Before the box of money get to your address, I will give you the keys to open the box for you to send me some money to arrange for my travelling documents to meet up the arrival of the box at your address where the box is delivered.

Please i hope there will be utmost confidence in this transaction? as it will benefit both of us because i'm willing to offer you 15% of the money outside any of your little expenses that you may incure during cause of this transaction as long as you can assist me soonest, that is you will be entilte to 15% of the total sum as your own share of the money for your kind assistance.
I am ready to give you the security company's contact number and the documents that I used in depositing this box of money which is the certificate of deposit they gave me on the very day when I deposited the box of money with a code as family treasure, I will also to feed you with more informations and giudlines for you to discuss with the company without making any mistake .

Upon your confirmation of this email, I will send you my identity and also scan the document as file and send it to you by email attachment so that you can call the security company in Ouagadoudou Burkina Faso to give them your address where they will deliver the box immdeiately,You have to act fast to your reply of this mail so that we can conclude this business sooner.

Await for your response and your confirmation so that i will send an email letter to the company in Burkina faso to introduction you to them as my associate who is to recieve the shipment of the trunk box.
I want to know more about you,

How old are you? Are you marrined? if yes how many children do you have? What do you do for a living? and which business are we going to invest this money into?
Kindly anwser this question's so that i can forward the security company contacts information's to you and my documents in my next mail.

Awaiting to hear from you, while I look forward to meet you very soon.
Bye for now and God bless
Madam Lione Prez.
***

Dear Madam Lione Prez,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old French Immersion donut eater. We have been corresponding recently about me being your personal hero.

Thank you so much for clearing up what you meant by the term, "lion den". I was confused, and for a second I thought you were typing out this grammatically stellar email nestled comfortably in the embrace of a king of the jungle.

First off, I was a little skeptical, I have to admit, about your emails. But then I crawled into a "lion den", and thought long and hard about your foolproof plan, and deduced that you have no other choice. And if the box of money from the security company cannot be retained by you, your late husband's wife, then who better to waltz in there and acquire that box of money, but I, Sarah Bertrand! *begins the slow clap* Well done, Madam Lione Prez. Hey, know what I just realized? Your name is "Lione". Like "Lion". The den in which you currently reside.

Moving along, so let me get this straight: I call the security company, give them my address, and they send me the box of money. Then you send me the keys for the box of money. And then I deduct 15% for myself, and send you the rest of it back? This.. is.. good. Really good. I can do this. 15% is more than fair. You need the majority of the money to maintain that "lion den". You know, for lighting, and not to mention feeding those "lion". Possibly hiring entertainment, like hiring Elton John to sing them all a diddy about circles, and life.

Commence shipment immediately. I will send you my address if you can answer my riddle, so I know that you are in fact legitimate.

What is the difference between an elephant and a blue plum?

You have asked me some personal questions about myself, and I will answer those so you feel more at ease with me handling your box of money, and then sending it to your den of "lion".

My age is 26. You asked if I was "marrined". I do not know what this means. I can only assume that it is the language barrier, to this I am very understanding. I will answer this question, in terms of all the things I believe this could possibly mean.

I am not marrined. I am a human being, not a mammal such as a whale. I do not have my own "World", and I actually resent that you asked me this, if I'm being perfectly honest.

I am not, in any way, affiliated with the Seattle Mariners, although I have played baseball for many years.

I am not a steak, nor am I poultry, so I have not been marinated. Although I have had two beers tonight, while cleaning my house, and I did spill a little bit on my leg when I started writing this. I do smell a little like it still, but I did wipe it off, so you can make your own assumptions I suppose.

I have no children, because I am barren. Thank you, really, for bringing up such a sensitive subject. Well, it has not been confirmed that I am barren. However I am a homosexual, and one day a few years ago, a man stopped me on the street and told me I was going to hell, and crazily spouted off something about babies, and me not being able to have them even though it's God's will, because God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, so I can only assume that he was trying to helpfully communicate to me that I was not born with ovaries nor Fallopian tubes.

What do I do for a living? Daydream. Sometimes I read. Other times, I cry. Oh, did you mean a job? I manage my own car theft ring. It's pretty glamorous, but frowned upon in some circles, so you're going to have to keep this one between you, I, and all those "lion".

Also, we will be investing the money in "lion", and things related to "lion". Like, safaris.

I will not sleep until I hear from you again, Ms. Lionpants. Here here! Your late husband will have his vengeance! Oh, wait. Is he "wicked" like his family? Are we mad at him too?

Lion!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.