Dear Big Brother Canada,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am very displeased with you. Recently, I auditioned for your hit television show, and I truly believed that it went splendidly. I went with my two friends, and I felt in the cockles of my heart that we were all extremely charming, interesting, and perfect material for the bright lights of show biz.
As the days have turned to nights, and nights back into days, I am now writing to you to tell you this: message received, Big Brother Canada. Myself, nor my friends, have apparently made the cut. I can only hope that you will choose appropriately, and that the cast of Big Brother Canada 2 will be willing to humiliate themselves with nonsensical behaviour as I would have. I will outline my Game Plan to you, just in case there is a chance that you will change your mind.
Sarah Bertrand's Gameplan:
- Immediately make an alliance with a house plant. They can keep secrets, and when it comes out everyone in the house, they will assume that my line of thinking is so advanced that there must be a method to my madness, and they'll all want on board. But the joke's on them; because it is literally an alliance with a house plant.
- Hoard alcohol, and keep in base of house plant.
- The contents of my treasure list when I win Head of Household will be so special and unique that no one will be able to handle it. I'm talking medieval weapons, definitely my two cats Binx and Twig, an elaborate magic set, photographs of the other player's mothers or legal guardians to keep them guessing, the works.
- And lastly, lie to everyone. Lie about things that don't even make sense. "Hey guys, just so you know I'm having a glass of milk because I'm not lactose intolerant. Carry on about your day, gonna get my calcium on." Guess what? Joke's on you, I AM lactose intolerant. I will spend the whole afternoon in the bathroom. And why? There's actually no valid reason. But my pants will be on fire the whole season, if you catch my drift. "Oh man, I hope my male fiance doesn't mind me wearing shorts and showing off my calves. We're getting married in the fall. But he's okay with a showmance or TEN." I will make love to everyone on set. Even the camera people.
In the rare event that you are not immediately swayed, I have planned a defensive tactic that will have you wanting to hitch your wagon to my star. Introducing, a television show that will inevitably be picked up in the near future; Big Mother Canada.
The Pitch:
"Big Mother": Canada's newest leading social experiment reality television show. It will depict real life familial situations that everyone can relate to, and exaggerate them to see which one of the twelve contestants have what it takes to last in the Big Mother Household until the end, to claim the ten hundred dollar prize.
The Players:
Twelve individuals, stuck in a house for two months with an overbearing Mother figure, screaming at you to take Echinacea.
The Prizes:
The Grand Prize is $1000 that's locked away in a high interest savings account until you're more responsible.
The Obstacles:
- Isolation will be enforced: if you don't do the dishes right after you've eaten, if you don't put the groceries away immediately, or you miss an occasion.
- There will be veto competitions, and rewards. There will be a group of individuals called the "Have Nones" to avoid copyright infringements, but we're going to have to get a lawyer on all of the other similarities. "Hey wanna win the Power of Veto? Aunt Joan forgot to take her pills. Who will settle her down?"
- There will be veto competitions, and rewards. There will be a group of individuals called the "Have Nones" to avoid copyright infringements, but we're going to have to get a lawyer on all of the other similarities. "Hey wanna win the Power of Veto? Aunt Joan forgot to take her pills. Who will settle her down?"
- "Take that shirt off, sure hope you don't have any hidden tattoos or piercings!" Penalty.
The Challenges:
- There will be stamina and memory challenges.
- There is a maze through mud, but don't forget to take your shoes off before you come back into the house! Maybe when you finally move out on your own, and have to do your own cleaning, you'll finally have some respect.
- There will be a shit ton of Sudoku.
- Remember those swimming lessons you dropped out of, or those karate classes you skipped? Sure hope your past instructors won't show up to embarrass you on live television. (They will.)
- There is a maze through mud, but don't forget to take your shoes off before you come back into the house! Maybe when you finally move out on your own, and have to do your own cleaning, you'll finally have some respect.
- There will be a shit ton of Sudoku.
- Remember those swimming lessons you dropped out of, or those karate classes you skipped? Sure hope your past instructors won't show up to embarrass you on live television. (They will.)
The Point:
- Ratings, and conflict resolution. These are life skills we're teaching here. Because as naggy and passive aggressive Big Mother is, she's also protective, and always wants the best for you. Also there is about a month's worth of rent to claim as a prize at the end of this ordeal. All the music for the television show will be scored by the musical magician who produced sound for Full House, and Big Mother will either be played by Queen Latifah or Jessica Lange.
I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to chatting with you in the near future. Have a great day today, and sweet dreams tonight.
Sarah Bertrand
I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to chatting with you in the near future. Have a great day today, and sweet dreams tonight.
Sarah Bertrand
