Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My letter to Red Bull

Dear Red Bull,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 27 year old aspiring ventriloquist who enjoys Tylenol, excess energy, and crew neck t shirts.

I am a long time enjoyer of your delicious beverage, Red Bull. I work several jobs, and when fatigue seeps in, I say, No thank you natural reaction to sleep deprivation! I need me some sweet bull nectar! (slang term I coined for Red Bull) It is efficient, delicious, and I can only assume really healthy.

I drink so much of your mystic potion that I have decided to give back. To you! I have several presumably lucrative ideas for your new ad campaign that I would like to share with you.

My first idea involves me, as an actress. I'll be wearing a Red Bull tshirt, and yoga pants to imply that I'm active yet relaxed. Neither of these traits will be relevant to the commercial. So, in my tshirt and yoga inspired pants, I will be holding one of your beverages, and sipping it, as a fancy text appears underneath the screen, describing the many relateable stages of Red Bull. First, the sudden burst of energy. Then, the excited sense of hope that this might actually get you through your day in a positive and timely manner. Then of course, last, the inevitable stage of descent, after you've had about three and are in the midst of crashing. The world seems harsher, your emotions more vivid, and tears are barely below the surface. Then, a flashy new slogan slams across the entire television screen. Instead of "Red Bull gives you wings": "Red Bull gives you the agility of an exotic cat! *fin*

If that idea doesn't tickle your fancy, how about I, Sarah Bertrand, in a cape. A flowy one. Wearing a taupe women's pantsuit, running around, and jumping. Then, the camera pans to me. I am out of breathe, but smiling. Perspiration is dripping from my forehead, and I start speaking really rapidly, almost incomprehensibly: "Knock knock. Who's there?! Red Bull! Red Bull who?? Delicious!" That doesn't make sense. However, I find confusing people makes them ask less questions, and eventually buy what you're selling, so to speak. So try this one on: "What do Red Bull and childhood obesity have in common? Nothing! Drink Red Bull!" They will feel safe, and foolish if they haven't already boarded the "bull" train. Also, inspired that they too can behave the way I am upon ingesting Red Bull.

I have a few more, and you can pick and choose which slogans will go with which commercials:

"Red Bull: Give diabetes the thrill it seeks!"
"Red Bull: Gives you confidance; when partnered with vodka! (also, mild heart palpitations.)" This particular ad will have to go with a specific commercial I've been practicing for. I am in unbelievable physical shape, and have the body of a prepubescent male gymnast, so I assume I would be an excellent summersaulter. I will perform 30 in a row. I will need a unitard, some spackle, and a tamborine to perform this.

I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to hearing from your "people" regarding my immediate addition to your company. Huzzah! For Red Bull! Sweet dreams.

Sarah Bertrand

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