Monday, May 7, 2012

My letter to McDonald's

Dear McDonald's,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 28 year old sweets enthusiast who enjoys robots, hearing about other people's vacations, and dessert.

Today I came into contact with your non toy option in the Happy Meal; the cookie. A co-worker of mine was feeling peckish and didn't feel as though she was capable of finishing a regular combo in your adult menu, so she decided on the children's selection. After I publicly berated her for not choosing the toy option, she then offered me one of your lemony snacks. I forgot how delicious they were! As I carefully plucked treat after treat from the tiny bag of nostalgia, in what must have appeared to be a greed trance, I slowed down for a second. To catch my breath? Maybe. To dream a dream? No, that's very unrealistic. Mostly it was to choke down the mound of crumbs and sugar that had congealed in the walls of my throat. But it was also to find a napkin to dab my eyes (you know when you eat so fast and you take a break and everything hurts and you just have to let it pass? I know you do, McDonald. That happens to probably everyone ever that's ever eaten at your fine dining establishment). Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. I will skip ahead. Cookies were gone... I wonder if my co-worker wanted any? I guess I'll never know. But when I dumped the remaining snacks over the counter, to actually see what I was ingesting, I was shocked. Nay, appalled and confused. The array of faces that stared back at me with their judging eyes is a vision that will stick with me for years to come. Perhaps forever. And perhaps again until tomorrow. We will never know. Well I guess I'll know. Please don't remind me, because if I forget and someone's like, Hey remember those weirdo cookies? I'll be like, Seriously?! I totally just forgot about that. And now I remember! Guh!

I am getting sidetracked. The moral of this tale, McDonald's, is that the dessert you offer is terrifying. Everyone from Ronald, The Hamburglar, those creepy Muppet thingies with the yarn, that chicken girl and Grimace; they have all been immortalized in catastrophic cookies that I am sure are responsible for tens of nightmares and uneasy thoughts. Ronald McDonald looks like a predator. Always. You must know this. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but the cookie literally looks like you went through a mug shot book at a police station, chose the scariest guy and then said, See this gentleman? Make Ronald's cookie a messed up version of that. The Hamburglar is a thief. No one will contest that. It's essentially in his name. Failing someone misses the pun there, his outfit is that of a felon. He steals. Hey kids! Eat this fun treat! Enjoy it so hard you won't feel me slip your coin purse out of your pocket! I'm lovin' it! (That is your slogan.) The Muppets look like dirty mop street kids with a real chip on their shoulder. A chip, and a taste for blood. The chicken girl never made sense to me. Were those her nuggets? What's her deal? It's like she was a character you thought would be great and then introduced her and were like, Oh man, Chicken Girl? Where the hell's that gonna go? She looks like a jerk, let's scrap this. We've had how many bibs and action figures already made?? Oh God. Okay. Leave her kinda lingering around the background til we can phase her out. Like that rude party guest that doesn't get when they're the last person there, and you're yawning and it's like one am and you have to work in the morning and they're like, Do you have PS3? Grimace is like a tragic Eeyore. Only he's not cute, and if you saw a stuffed Grimace ever it'd only be at a garage sale for a quarter. And it'd have bed bugs. And you'd hate it.

Although I do have many issues with the bag of cookies that rests happily in my gut, I see where you're going with this theme, so I thought I'd help you out. Here are some things I believe could be depicted in your cookies, that summon the same emotions as the visuals from your current designs:
- a child crying
- a preteen finding the gun cabinet unlocked
- santa smoking
- a teddy bear... being abducted
- a dove being shot
- sparkles... really irritating someone's contact lenses
- a mother finding her child's really weird porn
- and last but not least, diabetes.
I hope you have found my suggestions helpful and necessary. I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sarah Bertrand

1 comment:

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