Project "Yes, You WILL Carry My Book".

You know when you get a "No", but you had your heart set on a "Yes", so you take your friends and go to The World's Biggest Bookstore, sign a copy of each of your books, clear a small spot in the Humor section for them, and leave?

Well I do. I've always been consumed by, "I wonder what would happen if", and this is a new project that I'm super excited about. It's completely ridiculous, but I've decided I'm going to start leaving my books in stores and places across the city. Always with a message written stating very clearly that this is a free present from me to you, and please pass it on. (I have to give credit to my mother; I called her and told her my scheme, and as she was laughing she said, Make sure you write a note in it!)
My books musta been pretty sought after, because they didn't last a day! hahaha My friend Gia snatched them up today, and because they were so confused at cash, they made up a price!

I'll keep you updated on the adventures to unfold. :)

Glad Day Bookshop Autograph Session.

Glad Day Bookshop book signing session with the hysterical Trevor Campbell, and poet Kirk Dematas.

Sleight of Hand Stan.

Dear Rogers,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 29 year old aspiring director, who enjoys recycling, drinking fancy tea, and made for tv movies.

I am writing you today with a pitch for what I know will turn out to be the television event of Autumn, or Fall, depending on when it's released. Due to mediocre success and wild acclaim of this year's seductive thriller, Magic Mike, I decided to create my own adaptation of a more attainable group of male entertainers. I'd like to introduce you to, Sleight of Hand Stan.

Allow me to set the scene. I would play the part of Stanley, the androgynous, semi- charming, twenty- something club promoter, with a saucy mouth.

Stan:

"Ladies! Welcome to the strip club location! Get ready for a night of steamy charades, and appealing men! Here comes Mr. Indecent!

Applause as Mr. Indecent saunters onto the stage, and begins his dance of seduction.

Look at that swagger gals… you can just tell that his intentions are primarily indecent. Mr. Indecent!”

 Another male enters stage right. He is effeminate, and has a tiny moustache. He is wearing an ascot.

"Uh oh, get out your umbrellas, because I have a feeling someone's going to make it rain momentarily… Shiraz!

Stanley (myself) will wink at one or two lucky ladies.

He loves to spoil himself, and have a glass of red in the bathtub...ain't nothin' wrong with that! Shiraz."

Mr. Indecent and Shiraz exit stage. A visibly drunk, dishevelled older man comes storming onto the stage like a bat out of hell.

"Awkward Adam... watch out! Someone get him some water and a gravollllllll… girls he'll get the job done, but it'll be weeeeeird... Adam, you owe me twenty bucks. Awkward Adam!"

Stan chuckles, to show the crowd he(she) is silly but still polished. Adam does not really owe Stan money. A businessman comes ambling onto the stage. He is handsome, and professional.

"Uh oh, here comes Mitt! Is it short for Mittens? Maybe. He is very flirtacious, and one thing's for sure: Mitt is a ladies man. He literally has binders full of women... Mitt. Mitt."

Mitt stands in the middle of the stage, holding a briefcase infront of his private area, and thrusts at the crowd. While this is happening, every woman's dreamboat comes waltzing onto the stage with a hammer, and an unreasonably large piece of wood. It's almost uncomfortable how large it is.

"Jeremiaaaaaaaah... who wants to get nailed?? Jeremiah is a carpenter. I have an end table in my living room; his furniture is very well put together, and reasonably priced. There are flyers at the door ladies... Jeremiahhhh!"

Well Rogers, I hope you've enjoyed meeting myself, as well as the cast of Sleight of Hand Stan. I know this will be a hit. I can only assume you have been dazzled by the thin, inadequate plot so far, and that I will be hearing from you at your earliest convenience to flesh out the rest. Sweet dreams Rogers, and thank you for your attention.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

Sketch Love.

Thank you, Sarah Butt, for supporting Inapark and buying Sketch from Glad Day Bookshop!

Inapark Pitches for a Scent.

Dear Coty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 29 year old comedy writer who enjoys recycling, eating cake, and compliments.

I have two self published books that I've sold a few hundred copies of, have done onstage readings, and have a somewhat popular blog, called Inapark Productions. Over the years, I've hosted several events that all ended successfully, with new fans and memorable stories. I believe that writing can be as cool as acting or singing, and I think creating a scent of inspiration for writers, aspiring writers, and performers in general would be the first step.

I see a bottle in the shape of an inkwell. Perhaps, for a touch of class and mystique, we can have each bottle be made with a dinosaur fossil. They'll be dyed seafoam; it's my favorite color, and it's fun to say. The scent will be of old books, linen, and maybe some sort of exotic fruit. Or Whiteout. If it's going to be true to Sarah Bertrand, it'll be made with booze, honey, cat litter, and tears. It can come with a fortune, or a Swarovsky pen. I have compiled a list of possible names. Some of them are words that I enjoy; some of them are words that are true to my character and brand. Others are the names of my cats:

- Inapark.
- Bee.
- Sass.
- Fury.
- Berserk.
- Unreasonable Ambition.
- Scarborough.
- Dr. Bertrand. (I am not a Doctor.)
- Charisma.
- Repression.
- Comma.
- Alliteration.
- Ned.
- Binx.
- Conniption.
- Critique.
- Stink Pretty.
- Sincerely.
- Hilarity Ensues.
- Ink.
- Selective Hearing.
- Remains of Dignity.
- Allergies; Just because I think it'd be funny, "Honey what would you like for Christmas?" "Allergies!" "What? Why would you ask for that? What's wrong with you?! Go to your room!"

Thank you so much for your time, and I hope you have a wonderful night. I look forward to hearing from you soon, and partnering with you for this exciting and lucrative business opportunity.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
inaparkproductions.blogspot.ca

In response to your Website Comments - #010322203A - Coty Classics

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 8:01 AM

From:

"talktous@cotyinc.com"

Add sender to Contacts

To:

sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Sarah Bertrand
225 Davisville Ave Apt 312
Toronto, ON M4S1G9
CANADA

Dear Sarah:

Thank you for contacting Coty Inc.  We sincerely appreciate your interest in our many exciting designer, celebrity and lifestyle brands.

It is a company-wide policy to use only internally generated creative materials or ideas throughout our business operations.  Therefore, we cannot consider your idea or material.  We assure you that no one in a position to evaluate or use your material has seen it, or read your letter.  All of your originals are being returned herewith.  We sincerely thank you for your enthusiasm and understanding.

Coty Inc. thanks you for your consideration and enthusiasm.  We wish you much success with your endeavors and invite you to contact our Consumer Affairs department with any questions or comments about our products.  It will be our pleasure to assist you.


Lindsay Scott
Product Care Specialist
Coty Inc Global Consumer Affairs
1-800-715-4023
WWW.COTY.COM
Reference Number 010322203A

Re-tales: Stupid Questions.

I've been in the process of writing a book on my retail experience, specifically working at the pet store, for the last two years. I have a lot of material, and in the process of putting it all together, I've compiled a list I thought I would share. I promise you this list has not been exaggerated. There is such thing as a stupid question, folks. And spoiler alert; we don't sell any of these things.

- cigarettes
- lottery tickets
- sometimes people will just come running into the store in search of the mall bathroom
- hippopatomuses
- seagulls
- pigeons
- squirrels
- chipmunks
- bats
- phone cards
- scotch tape
- human clothing
- eagles
- animal traps
- taxadermy information
- tampons
- snake poop, to get rid of mice
- seahorses
- meer cats
- hawks
- falcons
- ground hogs
- cabbits
- komodo dragons
- pigs
-oppossums
- rattlesnakes
- pitbulls (THEY ARE ILLEGAL.)
- wolf mixes
- ants
- porcupines
- "real" sharks
- baby owls
- monkeys
- cobras
- dolphins

Things I Do When I'm Bored.

- Rummage through backpack.
- Go to the bathroom; just in case.
- Put on Chapstick.
- Make lists.
- Re- arrange the closest drawer to me.
- Count my change.
- Take vitamins or Advil; just in case.