Saturday, February 28, 2009

My letter to The Skinny Switch

Dear Rob Nevins,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old defeatist who enjoys low impact aerobics, slowly (and sometimes rapidly) eating a delicious homemade paste consisting of kernels of corn, mayonnaise, and maple syrup, and being basically inactive in my own filth.

I was vacationing in sunny Aruba last week, and was basically bed ridden for the entire duration of my stay. (I got a nasty sunburn on my right wrist.. I don't want to talk about it!) I spent the majority of my time wrapped in a towel in bed, weeping, taking advantage of the free bar service, and cursing my bad luck (the wrist burn). Then, like a punch in the face from Jesus himself, I conveniently came across your magic weight loss remedy! What luck!

It seems logical enough (losing weight by eating, without the aid of any exercise whatsoever), however after enduring years of being bombarded with commercials of "fail proof diet plans" that have inevitably ended in defeat, I have been left jaded and heartbroken. My defense mechanisms were deployed, like an angry Ninja Turtle against a member of the Foot Clan.

However, your impressive website boasts you possess 20 years experience as "America's Fat Loss Guru" and have over 40,000 clients. Bravo! Sounds like you may have something here.

My question is this: since your claim is that this plan is 100% failproof, what happens for a gal like me who has severe food allergies and nourishment restrictions? I am allergic to meat, bread crust (unless it's panini), and Fluffernutter. I cannot eat vegetables unless they are encrusted in a thick coating of melted cheese. I cannot eat fruit unless they are deep fried in an jeopardous amount of honey, specially seasoned in salt (my own recipe). I cannot consume any dairy, which also means I cannot ingest vegetables (see above). My diet basically consists of chocolate (white and dark, not milk.. the dairy), and pork chops drenched in an obscene amount of canola oil. If I eat anything other than these fine items, I will die, Mr. Nevins.

So after carefully reading your mysterious and meticulously outlined diet plan, counting my pennies, and putting my faith in your capable and attractive hands, I beg of you.. can you help me? I'm anxiously awaiting your feedback so I can feel like a woman again. A woman who doesn't have to be ashamed of the hand she was dealt in life. A woman who can finally go to a restaurant and order a slice of pumpkin pie, and not have to specify, "Hold the pumpkin, and instead of the pie, please bring me a handful of Smarties and a dish of whipped cream."

Sarah Bertrand
***REPONSE: March 7, 2009***

RE: re: To Mr. Rob Nevins (#6510-126689797-3554)
Saturday, March 7, 2009 7:06 AM
From: "Skinny Switch Secret" Add sender to Contacts To: "Sarah Bertrand" Hello Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Rob Nevins' Skinny Switch Secret!

I apologize for the delay in responding to your inquiry, this is due to an overflow of emails received.

I absolutely understand your concern. You need to be extremely cautious when it comes to food allergies, but two of the great features of Rob's meal plan is you get to select from a wide range of delicious meal options and you are provided with an Exchange List to help you make appropriate substitutions.

At this time our plan does not cater to any medical conditions, dietary restrictions or health concerns. We recommend you speak with your personal physician before beginning any weight-loss or fitness plan.

Please feel free to contact us with any future questions or concerns. We will be happy to assist you!

Account Specialist

Our Account Specialists are available 10am to 8pm EST, Monday through Friday.

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