Friday, June 19, 2009

My letter to Comfort Wipe


Dear Comfort Wipe,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old interpretive dancer who enjoys reminiscing about '80's trends, building modest towers out of Jello cubes, and maintaining her self respect.

By the grace of God, I recently came across your commercial for "Comfort Wipe" on youtube, and was struck with the urge to contact you immediately. As the one minute and forty seconds slowly ticked by on your outstanding advertisement chronicling how regular toilet paper wiping is so "last year", your solution that the only logical solution would be to attach some to a acrylic stick contoured to what you would assume someone's rear is shaped as was nothing short of brilliant. I was left with a taste in my mouth I cannot describe. Wait.. I'll try. That taste was shock. Nay, shock mixed with confusion, and relief.

As you state in your commercial, for "over one hundred years, we have been scrunching and folding toilet paper." I thought that I was the only person in existence that is tired of suffering with painstaking conventional ways to wipe myself. How is a lady such as myself supposed to function normally, knowing that every time she has to go to the bathroom, the sheer panic that grips her bladder at the thought of what to do with the toilet paper, just isn't worth it in the end. Sometimes, I would rather soil myself than have to worry about proper paper protocol. The anxiety attacks that derive from the unreasonable folding, bunching tissue debacles inevitably leaves me feeling depressed, and dysfunctional.

Heck, I've tried several things to make the process go by more smoothly, but nothing works. Origami toilet paper animals, decorative tissue paper normally used to embellish small to medium sized presents, I've even thought about constructing some sort of complicated contraption (possibly with a motor), to ease the process, but so far I only have blueprints.
The only thing that makes "Comfort Wipe" more appealing is the reasonable price of $19.99 plus applicable taxes. I know you guys say it's a $40 value, but I truly believe that you have lowballed yourselves.

"Place tissue and use, press and release soiled tissue, and toss!" It's as easy as one, two, weird! I have ordered a "Comfort Wipe", and refuse to use toilet paper in any other fashion until I receive it in the mail.
Thank you, people at "Comfort Wipe". You are the truly the unsung heroes of today.

Sarah Bertrand

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