Dear Milton Bradley,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old-stay- at- home nanny who enjoys butterscotch pudding, Paddington Bear, and references to the color teal.
A few days ago, I made the mistake of feeling nostalgic. A mistake that I will regret for the rest of my days. I was working at the time, and had what Oprah would call an "A Ha!" moment. I thought to myself, "Sarah Bertrand," I thought. "Remember when your life had meaning?" And then I thought to myself, "Nope." And then I thought to myself, "'Guess Who?' was a really good board game." And then I deduced that on my break I should mission to Wal Mart and see if they carried said game. It reminded me of my childhood, and I missed my childhood. I'm so mature right now, I can't even remember what it felt like to be a child.
So when 1:00pm came, I scuttled my way out of the store, punching wildly and invading the customer's space, while I tried to maneuver the quickest route out of there. I absconded my way through the mall, directly into Wal Mart, and scampered off to the nostalgic treasure section.
Mr. Bradley, would you like to "Guess Who?" I found?? Well sir, it's not a "who", but a "what". The game, "Guess Who!" Obviously I snatched it off the shelf, and impressively tore my way over to the cash register, and then out into the mall, and back to my place of work. I couldn't wait to get this baby home, and reacquaint myself with all those familiar faces. I missed Charles the most. He reminded me of my Uncle Pat.
Milty.. can I address you as such? Well Milty, without going into too much detail, upon opening the package of the game and discovering it's disappointing contents, I decided that a letter is in order. Not only were the various pieces so shoddily constructed that it was virtually impossible to keep the game together and functioning without cards falling out, or hinges dislocating themselves (plus a missing score keeping piece, but by that time I was so over it that I didn't deem that a priority), but the FACES.. the faces. I have written a meticulous account of every single NEW (not appeasing my sense of nostalgia at all.. i didn't recognize anybody!) mugs, what I assumed their positions in life would be, and how they made me feel.
Danial (spelt really oddly): A creepy bus driver. The kind that leers after little boys, and yells at little girls. Also, I believe he probably listens to Enya, and punches walls.
Chris: A deadbeat, unambitious, elementary school dropout who still gets an allowance, and spends it on tiny action figures, and then proceeds to melt them.
Emily: She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire. And although I really liked that movie, and have a fondness for drag queens, she looks like the version of Mrs. Doubtfire that would probably be a sociopathic thief. She also looks like she has several cats with various maladies that range in severity, and I believe I'm safe in assuming that all these felines have names that start with either "Mr." or "Mrs." Is this a safe assumption, Milty?
Kyle: Looks like he attempted to start his own boy band, and failed.. because he's 37. He also looks like he's obsessed with his past, and regrets letting his mom deter him from being a professional baseball player.
Nick: An inadequate, impotent science teacher. The pervy one you hated in high school.
Ashley: Looks like the snobby jerk who's from the ghetto but tries to act exotic with a beret and flashy costume jewelry. She also looks like she lacks respect for herself and has misplaced her morals. She undoubtedly uses a fake accent, however, I cannot decide which type of accent I feel as though she uses.
David: Looks like he's stumbled into non Mennonite territory by accident, and is terrified. The only thing that seemingly calms him down are birds living in his beard, singing him a sweet melody.
Zachary: High strung and strung out virgin. Loves pastrami, and has a diaper fetish. He also looks constipated. Is he, Milton Bradley?
Matt: Poor Matt. I mean, it's not his fault that his wife cheated on him. With another woman. Ashley, to be more precise (the aforementioned Harlot). I'm fairly certain that Matt is Benjamin Button. I am more certain that he sits down to pee.
Alex: Overweight underachiever.
Jake: Huzzah! A homosexual magician! Probably with a sassy catchphrase. He loves bananas, and refers to himself as a Hulkamaniac.
Sarah: Great name, struggling actress. In the meantime, she's a self hating librarian, and screams into her mirror at night.
Connor: Played too much Super Mario as a kid, and is searching for his life partner, Luigi.
Brandon: Running from obesity for his whole life, and doesn't trust himself.
William: "Surf's up!" This freeloading hippy liar makes me feel anxious and disappointed.
Jon: Preteen serial killer.
Joshua: Hey, is that Joshua? Yes. And he'll kill you. He also has a sexual fetish, with sauces.
James: I believe that James is actually a chocolate covered almond that was placed in this game by accident. A goatee was then thrown on as a lackluster apology. No one's head looks like that.
Joseph: Tranny riddled with anxiety.
Andy: Hey, do you like tax evasions? No? Andy does.
Tyler: Tyler's touching Kyle as I type.
Justin: Wears a stained wife beater, eats ketchup sandwiches, and beats his wife. He has given up on himself, and doesn't deserve the exposure.. just leave him alone.
Last, but not least..
Megan: Her indiscretions got her a great job. I can't be mad at that.
Well Mr. Bradley, my disappointment is unmistakeable, and completely founded, but I am sure that you have already come to that conclusion on your own. I expect a full refund of $18.96 plus applicable taxes, and every single current "Guess Who?" game to be taken off of store shelves, everywhere. I expect a new game constructed this instant, with the use of all of the old characters, and two new ones: Sarah Bertrand, and my grey domestic cat, Ned. I'll send pictures to aid the process. Ned is very fluffy. It's very important to me that this aspect of him is captured.
Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to a response immediately.
Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 5:43 AM
From: This sender is DomainKeys verified"Hasbro Consumer Affairs"
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Guess Who board game
Response (Kerry Vaux) 09/23/2009 08:43 AM
Thank you for contacting Hasbro, Inc.
We are very sorry to hear that you were not satisfied with your Guess Who game and can fully appreciate the disappointment caused. We pride ourselves on ensuring that our products are of the highest quality and we are concerned to learn that this game was unsatisfactory.
We will be happy to send a postage paid mailing label to assist you in returning the game to us along with your receipt. . Once we have received your game and receipt, and a refund will be issued to you less the tax.
Please be advised that we cannot accept responsibility for uninsured, lost or misdirected mail. To facilitate the process, please include a brief note explaining the problem with the product, along with your return address and phone number.
Sarah, we appreciate having the opportunity to assist you. We hope you and your family will enjoy our products for many years to come.
re: Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 6:28 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand"
To: "Hasbro Consumer Affairs"
Dear Milton Bradley, or Kerry Vaux- Bradley,
Huzzah! Such a prompt and diplomatic response! "Guess Who?"!! It's Sarah Bertrand! Did you enjoy my approach? Did I make you giggle? Even a little bit? I hope so. I appreciate your offer to refund my hard earned money, however I have misplaced the receipt. I had it on the computer table for two weeks, and my girlfriend did a "big clean", and then it went missing. I'm not blaming her for it being gone (I already told her that), but I am saying that it was definately there before she cleaned, and now it's not. Perhaps I should get a decorative container for my receipts. Or a file folder. There wouldn't be very many receipts in it though, so maybe just a sandwich bag. Like a ziploc. I'll have to remember to pick some up.
Alas, I am getting off track. I'm saddened and perplexed as to why my simple request at the personalized "Guess Who?" game could not come into fruitation.. I had already told my family (extended as well) that I had made myself into an overnight success, and they should expect very impressive and prestigious early Christmas presents. I assumed the game would be on the shelves by early next week. There is already a huge demand for this product. I just don't understand, Milton Bradley. You have disappointed a lot of Bertrands. Not to mention friends of Bertrand's.
I guess, since I don't have a receipt anymore, the only logical thing to do would be to go out, and re-purchase another "Guess Who?" sub par board game from Wal Mart. Maybe they'll have jacked up the price this time, so I'll get even more money back from you guys. God I'm so smart!! Maybe I'll quit my job and make a living getting refunds for products I've purchased. I'd better go now and try and figure out how to patent my idea. Thanks for being so accommodating and nice.