Friday, September 4, 2009

My letter to Red Lobster

Dear Red Lobster,

Salutations! My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old crustacean lover, who enjoys garlic butter, seamen, and watching food I'm about to consume in it's last afflicted moments of life.

I just finished grazing upon a scrumptious meal at your Yonge and John location, and I am stuffed! I enjoyed a medley of flavours, namely seafood, mashed potatoes, and one and a half buns. It was like Jesus himself had punched me in the mouth with a hug. And garlic shrimp.

I wanted to congratulate you on the impeccable positioning of your live lobsters (right smack dab as soon as you enter the establishment.) It's such a great idea. I always find myself saying, after fine dining, "God, that chicken was so tasty. I just wish I got to see an overzealous morbid display before I ate it. For example, a gaggle of rabid hens tearing through the restaurant in all their glory, feathers flying, skittering over my feet so I can truly see their personalities, thus being able to determine which fowl to devour."

I shall immediately begin a crusade in restaurants across Canada, to implement mandatory animal showcasing before ingesting. Not being able to see my dinner before feasting is just tacky.

You are delicious, Mr. Lobster. Thank you, and goodnight.

Sarah Bertrand

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