Monday, March 5, 2012
My letter The Bachelor
Hello. My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am an impressionable 28 year old breakfast enthusiast/ retail worker who enjoys petting kittens, unitards, and a tasty omelette.
The purpose of me contacting you is to offer you the chance of a lifetime. For I, Sarah C Bertrand, to be the star contestant in your hit reality tv show, The Bachelor.
People tune in for one reason, and one reason only; because they are hopeless romantics. Also, because every season is full of emotionally unstable, dishonest, catty, dangerous, and embarrassing women. However, well all know that these same women are the reason that people will be interested in watching week to week. The dramatic lunatics, the women who lack shame, morals, and the overlooked wallflowers that have garnered the pity votes. I feel no shame in letting you in on a little secret, City. Come close, so I can whisper it in your ear; I will be that guy for you.
I will be a chameleon. A saboteur. A promiscuous, religious fanatical thief. I'll create a scandal. I'll adapt to any and every situation. No one's paying attention to me around a campfire? I'm a fire dancer. Conversations lacking by the pool? I'm a skinny dipper. I don't receive a rose at the ceremony? I'm a florist. Brought my own roses. Don't need yours. Try and force me in the cab now, Prince Charming. Doctor Jekyll, Mr. Hyde... which one do you want? Doesn't matter, because you'll have both. I'll sporadically try out new laughs, I'll stand the opposite way as everyone else is in an elevator. When things are not going my way, I'll cry. But I'll never tell why. I'll stop taking birth control, I'll have a catch phrase. I'll create elaborate, outlandish webs of lies, and whenever anyone confronts me, I'll say "I saw it with my own eyes." I'll bring an animal; a weird one, like a hedgehog. I'll carry a sword, I'll write a song and play the guitar to it. It will have lyrics that are mysterious and inspiring. I'll say, "This is the perfect place to fall in love", every five minutes, like clockwork. I will never, ever stop drinking. And I'll dance drunk, right into the hot tub, fully clothed. And when I regain consciousness, I'll tell my Bachelor that I'm insecure and will need reassurance that I'm there for another week. I'll giggle and flirt. I'll have a nipple slip. I will literally come onto every Bachelorette there is, until I can no longer explain my actions and have to succumb to a dramatic intervention with anxiety riddled music. I'll make sure I give deliberate hints that I'm there to further my career in something cliche, and I'll say things to my future gentleman suitor like, "You look so beautiful. When you sleep." I will create perfect moments for commercial breaks, and the biggest shocker of all?! I'm a lesbian. When you see me it won't be shocking, but can you imagine the ratings?!
I thank you for your time, City TV, and look forward to being on your show and getting famous with you. I never miss a season of The Bachelor/ The Bachelorette. And I can't wait to be on a billboard.