Monday, December 1, 2014

Bertrand Booty.

Dear Richard Simmons,

Hi! My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 31 year old Canadian writer who enjoys consuming homemade jams, sweating to the oldies, and behaving as though I'm an entrepreneur. I've been a huge fan of yours for ages, and think that everything about you is fabulous. The sparkles, the razzle dazzle, the inspirational screeching, just everything.

I'm writing to you today because I've always been an advocate for the Average Joe demographic, and love how you are just a regular person catering to regular people. There are so many super advanced exercise regimens out there today, that just seem far too confusing and elaborate to want to even get out of bed for.

I'm not going to try and trick you Mr. Simmons; I am not the pinnacle of health. I used to be quite athletic until I discovered booze and women. Although I'm happy with myself, realistically I could be in better shape. I have felt for a long time that God was sending me sneaky little signs to pick up on his mission for me to be a fitness guru. However, it was last month in Hamilton, when I was doing a delivery for my job, that I really understood how serious he was. Allow me to set the scene.

Me, unloading 60 chairs from the back of a pickup truck. I am wearing all black, very loose clothing. I am covered in a thick layer of grime.

Gentleman wearing sweatpants and an old Michael Jordan jersey, leaning against a fence:
"Hey! Trukfit! Come here."
Me (Trukfit):
"I'm working."
"Your ass looks like a shelf. You look good mami."

Now, I know what you're thinking. Sarah Bertrand, what a definately wanted compliment. I can absolutely see how you could find inspiration in such a special moment. If indeed this is what you're thinking, you would be correct. This is not the first time I have been blessed with such positive feedback. So, I got to thinking. And, given my quest to appeal to the Every Man, I now present you, Bertrand Booty. A step by step process on how to achieve the working class backside. (Other ideas for names include: Celebrity Body by Sarah B, and Lose 100 lbs in One Day, Guaranteed.)

How to Achieve "The Look":
- Pick up at least 20 years of baseball, or a like sport, before beginning your downward spiral
- Chasing cats
- Drinking
- Eating large portions
- Snackies
- Nap after eating any major meals
- Wine on weeknights
- Justify everything into a logical food group and underestimate
- Sign up for gym; doesn't matter if you go
- Make a dream vision  board
- Every once in awhile, run for a bus; don't get mad if you miss it- or do, they should have waited, they saw you!
- Impulsively commit to strict eating ideals; a day or two is still a day or two with healthy living

Maintaining "The Look:
- Buy clothes size too big
- Wear full bottom underwear
- Mantra: A sense of entitlement, with no sense of responsibility

Helpful Tips:
- Turn out lights
- Diet coke has no sugar; nor does fruit or energy drinks- drink them for energy, the shaking burns calories

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my proposal, and I'm just tingling with anticipation of working with you. Have a wonderful night, and I'll chat with you soon.

Sarah B

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