Naked Heart: An LGBTQ Festival of Words.

     Over the weekend, I was lucky enough to be a part of a panel for self publishing in the Naked Heart LGBTQ Festival of Words. I met some amazing people, learned so much, and had a chance to talk about my own experiences in the world to self publishing. This is one of the reasons I love Glad Day so much; they are so supportive, and just want everyone to succeed. These wonderful workshops are so important. I really hope I'm asked to do more.

                                                           

                                                                     So exciting.

                                                                 In the program.

                            (from left to right: Akhaji Zakiya, Nia King, and Vivek Shraya.

     Years ago I put my books next to Ellen Degeneres' at a Chapters and made it my display picture on Facebook, in a wistful sort of, One day, type of post. While at Glad Day Bookshop in Toronto over the weekend, I noticed that's where they house my books! 

Inapark Does Nature: Fancy Camping for Covert Sissy Gays.

My friends and I go camping at the end of every summer. It's something I look forward to with sincere excitement, but last year, while in the wilderness, I had to acknowledge a difficult truth about myself; I am a Secret Princess Gay. I'm not proud of it, and looking back to the kid who used to fish with worms, and come home filthy from a solid day of playing, I'm not sure where along the line I attained my proverbial crown. This being said, I feel as though there is a large demographic if people that can relate. Sure, we are tough and tenacious and resourceful. We capture spiders and we hammer nails into walls, and those nails are sturdy enough to hold picture frames and shelving units. We don't need umbrellas when it rains, and we don't even use band aids when our cats scratch us.

We do have a weakness though; a collective private shame. We can solider through any macho task with valiant ease, as long as we have a refuge from the elements. I'm talking, I just mowed the front and back lawn, now I'm going into my air conditioned dwelling to have a hot shower and a cold beer.

A lot of people love camping; the filth, the heat, nature attacking us with it's beauty. Breathtaking sunsets and pollen and campfires and loads of bug spray. Good on them. We are not these people. And that's okay, but we are still apprehensive about disclosing this. This glorious season, I say we stand up, and loudly proclaim to the world, "We're here! We're queer! Get us a sunscreen with a high SPF count!" Here is a guide I've put together that would constitute a perfect, anxiety free camping trip. I call it, Fancy Camping For Covert Sissy Gays.

Sleeping Quarters

I don't care where I am, I like my comfort. My body constantly betrays me in Summer because it never seems to regulate like a normal person's does. I can't wear my glasses in certain seasons because almost as soon as I put them on my face, I can see condensation begin creeping across my field of vision. It's embarassing. So, of course I would ideally covet:

- an air conditioning unit, and three backup fans

- an elevated, king sized bed

- a fish tank for a relaxing, outdoor feel

- all childhood stuffed animals

- a modest plasma tv

- glow in the dark stars (so pretty at night) 

- dressing room area (I'm not changing into my board shorts and tank top for swimming behind a damn tree. I'm just not)

- a wardrobe for every season

- and my cats

Now I'm not delicate. I certainly plan on enjoying the Great Outdoors, but wouldn't it be that much better if the mingling area had:

- a  caged animal (like a hamster, or a guinea pig- I hate when I'm right in the middle of watching a squirrel and they scamper off)

- boxes of Wet Naps, and a sanitizer station

- a Mac Book, Ipod, Ipod dock, CDs and a DJ booth

- every video game console

- fridge

- so much beer and snackies

- generator

- a desk and ink (we could go searching for quills!)
- a dingy

You can feel the sun rays on your face through the screen door by now, can't you? Lastly, the bathroom area:

- portable bathroom sink; functioning or not (I'm not adverse to walking to a communal bathroom area, but there's something comforting about just seeing a sink in the vicinity of your vacation spot)

- an array of perfumes and/or colognes

- all the bug spray

- so much makeup (Do I wear makeup now? No. Well sometimes, but that's just so people will stop asking me if I'm sick or if I was crying. But what happens if you're laying in your hammock, sipping on a vodka and Gatorade and playing Sodoku and an adorable hiker who's lost their way needs your assistance? Be prepared.)

- hair dyes, shampoos, conditioners, wigs (I actually feel like I have no real connection to the female gender, and am making wild assumptions as to what they would enjoy having there)

- one regal hat

Camp away, dear friends. Bring your coffee makers and neck pillows and and expensive astringents. Unapologetically enjoy yourselves this summer, and avoid inconvenience at all cost. In the words of Pinterest, "Happiness is a way of travel. Not a destination."

Inapark Loves Sara Benincasa.

At the beginning of the year, I decided to say Yes to anything remotely creative that found it's way to me. I did this a few years ago, and it was the best year of my life. Glad Day Bookshop is a store in downtown Toronto that carries my books, and I adore them. The staff, the atmosphere, it's just a lovely place to be. When they asked me if I wanted to open up for Sara Benincasa, a comedian and writer from New York, my first instinct was to say, "ABSOLUTELY NOT ARE YOU KIDDING ME I WILL CRASH AND BURN SHE'S ACTUALLY A REAL COMEDIAN AND WRITER NO." So I sucked it up and said yes. It was one of the best experiences I've ever had. Aside from Sara being funny and creative and just an awesome comedian, she is a wonderful person who, in my opinion, went above and beyond to make me feel comfortable and secure in being there. I found myself focused on trying to make her, specifically, laugh throughout my set. And laugh she did, and genuinely! It was awesome. I picked up Agorafabulous when I asked her what book I should buy of hers, and I cannot wait to pick up the rest. This book is just so good. That sounds trivial but when I finished it, and was talking to my Mom, I just kept saying, "It was really really good." I loved it, love her, and can't wait to support her in future endeavours. Buy this book; especially if you have anxiety or mental health issues. It's relatable and funny and sad at some points and so honest and just really, really good.

Inapark Loves Kate Bornstein.

My heart is bursting. It's always a priority of mine to let people that I love and appreciate know how grateful I am for them, even if we have never met. So I took the time to Instagram one of my most favorite writers, Kate Bornstein, and let her know how much I adore her and what she does. She is a writer who is never near and dear to my heart, and the very next day I received this message back to me. This has made me feel a sort of validation that I have never felt before. Thank you Kate Bornstein. My joy today is almost tangible. Today is a good day.

 

 

shedoesthecity.com: Lessons on Grief From Momma Killdeer

"There have been a lot of things over the years that I have been holding onto, and have not forgiven myself for, that my grief felt as though it had taken on a physical weight."

http://www.shedoesthecity.com/lessons-on-grief-from-momma-killdeer

A Love Letter To My Momma Bear. xo

I bought a notebook that had a pretty cover, and on the front it said, "Love you to the moon and back." As soon as I saw it, I instinctually picked it up and knew that I had to fill it with love and give it to my Mom. For years, I've struggled to write about my Mother because I can never seem to properly put into words everything that she means to me. It just seems too much. So even though this was going to be a secret project, I feel like my Mom deserves all the love in the world, all the time. I just finished my first entry, and I won't give it to her until it's completely filled, but I wanted to type this out for her so she knows, and everyone knows, how much she means to me.

July 16, 2015

Dear Momma Bear,

I saw this book, and I obviously thought of you. I realized that I write a lot about Gram, and Paul, and the cats and funny things that happen, and I don't have very many published pieces that I've written about you. I want to fill this book up with the reason why that is. Because try as I may, I can never properly express the sincere, intense, co-dependant (let's be honest), heart bursting love that I have for you. I have tried, and I do try, but it goes far beyond appreciation, or relation or fondness. It's an unconditional, Ride or Die, we could be the only ones left that that's alright, kind of love. I would have nothing, and not be me, without you. Every good quality I have is from you, and every accomplishment that I have achieved is because you have made me feel like I am worth it, and can do it. Every success I have is because you inspire me to want to be my best, and every forward step I take is because I want to make you proud. Every time I say something stupid and outrageous it's because I want to make you laugh, and every time I like your pictures on Facebook it's because I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. Every time I wiggle in my seat at dinner while I'm eating is because you're the best cook ever, and every time you're sick or not feeling well I hang up the phone and cry because I wish I could take it away. I write books because I want to be successful and take care of you, and the tattoo I got of your hand writing, "Some bunny loves you", gets me by more than you'll every know. I love you to the moon and back. Thank you for all that you do and all that you are.

Always,
Sarah B. xo

Retail Throwback: The Man With The Sassy Tees.

I found this in a draft folder today. It was a short piece I wrote a few years ago, when I used to work at a pet store that I loathed. I think my emotional state is pretty evident from my writing style. Re-reading it now fills my tummy with fire, and makes my cheeks ache with phantom pain from my Retail Smile. I remember calling my Mom and telling her this story, and her telling me that I was being an unreasonable idiot, and I needed to choose my battles. You can decide.


There is an old man that has the same ritual every morning at the mall. He sits at the same table in the food court, drinks a coffee and has a bagel. This particular gentleman sticks out to me, because he’s always sporting a different sassy t-shirt. I should be clear; I despise sassy tees. They’re obnoxious, rarely make sense, and make you look like you have a real chip on your shoulder.

We’ve had numerous interactions; mostly when he pairs his saucy tops with a tattoo sleeve undershirt, pushes his way through customers to grab my arm, shake it, and scream, “Twins!”

His shirts are pretty standard; “Fart Machine”, and “Trouser mouse likes to hang out near the basshole” (there was a picture of a mouse in a fishing boat with a safari hat, fishing; I can’t even begin to understand what the implication is.) Then there’s “FBI: Female Body Inspector”, the predatorial “Blink If You Want Me”, “Keep Calm I’m A Fisherman”, and “Save The Earth- It’s The Only Planet With Coffee”.

One t-shirt though. One t-shirt stopped me dead in my tracks the other day. It was so vile, so chilling, I immediately walked away from the customer I was helping to write this down. Allow me to set the scene.

You hang up the phone from a personal phone call, look up, and you see a senior staring at you. He is unblinking, with a frozen, glacial smile, and is wearing a grey t-shirt that says, “Lost: Dog and Sister. Reward for dog.”

To me, this is a blatant confession. He murdered his sister. This “joke” is so wildly unacceptable, even if I saw it on a cheeky five year old boy, I’d think he was a brat and I’d feel confident that I’d see his mother in Hell. I felt like that guy from The Mentalist, or a judgey Nancy Drew.

Since I acted against my impulse to perform a citizen’s arrest, I can only assume that inevitably justice will be served. So until then, I will instinctively look through the faces in the crowd, for a flashy, fossilized pensioner, eating an everything bagel, hoping that a long sleeved tattoo print undershirt is concealed by a court ordered black and white striped jumpsuit.

Inapark Writes Valedictorian Speeches.

A friend of mine had been asking me for a month to write her a valedictorian speech for her, without providing me any specific information into her new job, or what exactly she was the valedictorian of. This is what I came up with.

Good afternoon Managers and Coworkers,

Today I stand infront of you all as Valedictorian of BMO. Does the person who's writing this speech for me know what that means? No. Did they have any sort of guidance aside from, "Just write me the speech. Use bmo.com or something"? No. But in the grand scheme of things, none of that matters. What matters is I am the Valedictorian of something, and I assume this means I'm better than all of you, which is awesome because it's only been like two months. So, congratulations to me. And to you! Look at us. Graduating something, and furthering our careers at BMO in some field. Mine is fraud. Yours may be similar, or different. Let us think about the reason we wanted to work here in the first place, which will vary from, I forgot that I even applied last year, to This is who I bank with. And let us feel pride that we have a job that I would assume is stable, probably with an office, employed by a company who appreciates its workers enough to have some sort of celebratory function.

"Who had I become? Just another shark in a suit? Two days later at our corporate conference in Miami, a breakthrough. Breakdown? Breakthrough. I couldn't escape one simple thought: I hated myself. No, no, no, here's what it was: I hated my place in the world. I had so much to say and no one to listen. And then it happened. It was the oddest, most unexpected thing. I began writing what they call a mission statement. Not a memo, a mission statement. You know, a suggestion for the future of our company. A night like this doesn't come along very often. I seized it. What started out as one page became twenty-five. Suddenly, I was my father's son again. I was remembering the simple pleasures of this job, how I ended up here out of law school, the way a stadium sounds when one of my players performs well on the field. The way we are meant to protect them in health and in injury. With so many clients, we had forgotten what was important.

I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote and I'm not even a writer. I was remembering even the words of the original sports agent, my mentor, the late great Dickie Fox who said: 'The key to this business is personal relationships.' Suddenly, it was all pretty clear. The answer was fewer clients. Less money. More attention. Caring for them, caring for ourselves and the games, too. Just starting our lives, really. Hey - I'll be the first to admit, what I was writing was somewhat touchy feely. I didn't care. I have lost the ability to bulls--t. It was the me I'd always wanted to be. I took it in a bag to a Copymat in the middle of the night and printed up a hundred and ten copies. Even the cover looked like The Catcher in the Rye. I entitled it 'The Things We Think and Do Not Say: The Future of Our Business.'...Everybody got a copy...I was 35. I had started my life."

Was that monologue from Jerry Maguire? Perhaps. But at the end of the day, Bank of Montreal offers competitive rates on mortgages, efficient financial planning, and various bank accounts that adhere to your personal needs. Did I apply at TD Canada and Scotia Bank first? Of course I did. They were my first and second choice. But you leave with the girl you brought, and I thank you BMO, for giving me the honour of Valedictorian of something, and I look forward to probably finishing out the rest of 2015 with you. We did it!

"What To Do When You Inevitably Run Into Your Ex This Summer"- shedoesthecity.com

Helpful tips to prepare for when you run into your ex this summer.
http://www.shedoesthecity.com/what-to-do-when-you-inevitably-run-into-your-ex-this-summer

"How Gram Helped Me Overcome My Pride Anxiety"- shedoesthecity.com

Happy Pride, you fabulous butterflies! Have fun and be safe. (Second article for She Does The City.)

http://www.shedoesthecity.com/overcome-pride-anxiety

Article for She Does The City.

An article that I wrote that I'm super proud of.
Hope everyone is having an awesome day! Pee freely. 

http://www.shedoesthecity.com/pee-fright-gender-apologizing-for-myself

Inapark Meets Lea DeLaria!

Lea DeLaria of Orange Is The New Black performed an hour long set of David Bowie covers at Caffino Ristorante in downtown Toronto. It was a beautiful setting, she has a killer voice, and I ended up getting to have beers with her and her fiancé. Such a great night, and now I'm an even bigger fan. I even managed to sneak her a copy of my book!

Witch Craft Attacks.

Witch Craft Attacks.

Today at 7:19 AM

Hello my Dear,

How are you and your family? Hope Fine. I am Madam Pamela Raymond, from united states of America.And I am suffering from  Acute kidney injuries called acute-on-chronic renal failure (AoCRF).

l made a fasting and prayers before God directed me to you. I   married to Late Engineer Jerry Raymond a French speaking colony Lome  Togo who was Engineer with the Shell company in Lome Togo, before he  died after few years now. I have been in the hospital over one year  now because of  family witch craft attack for the acts of jealousy of my late husband's wealth.

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $4.500  Million in the bank here in Lome-Togo which i will like you to contact  bank and ask for it to be transfered into your bank account so that you  can use it for the orphanage children and poor once in the society,  This is because my Doctor told me that it is very likely i will die  within the next 6 months due to acute-on-chronic renal failure (AoCRF).

I have decided to donate the money for charity since I do not have a child to inherit the wealth and it is not good for me to die leaving  the money here without it reaching the poor and the less privileged ones in the society, since  I do not want my husband family to inherit it  due to their wicked  character to my family, meanwhile  i am still in  the hospital where i was admitted.

Noa Teaching International hospital
Address:B.P.. 2037 Rue des Cocotiers
Carra Layout,Lome-Togo

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I  Stated here in regards  useing this money for the less privileged once in the society.

Hoping to receive your response immediately .
Thanks and Remain blessed.
Madam.Pamela Raymond

***

To Madam.pamela
Today at 1:40 PM


Sorry Madam Panda, no time. I have two other Spammers on the go, and I'm pitching a television show on Feb 1. But the witch craft angle is awesome, I want to revisit this when I can put all my energy into it. Can you spam me in like two weeks?

 I have been in the hospital over one year  now because of  family witch craft attack for the acts of jealousy of my late husband's wealth.

I just reread this. I can't. Please specifically explain exactly what you mean. Thanks doll.

Baumgartner.

Sarah Bertrand for Inapark Productions - "The Bachelor"

This was my first attempt at live comedy, doing a reading for the Scenesters and Storytellers series at Glad Day Bookshop in downtown Toronto in 2011. It's rough but that was one of the best days I have ever had. I'm still proud of it because I didn't think I would be able to do it. Suck it, anxiety.

Mr. Jim McCullar Spam.

re: PERSONAL DONATION
Jim McCullar

Dear Friend,

I am Mr Jim McCullar I am a native of Idaho, United State Of America, Carolyn my wife and I have decided to make sure this is put on the internet for the world to see as you could see from the web page sent to you in our first mail, I may not know you, but I believe if you receive my first email and respond back meaning you were chosen by God to receive my donation of [$2,000,000.00 USD] you must be a God fearing individual, I am a Christian and I believe that Good things happens to good people like you who had the mind to respond back to my mail.

I am Mr Jim McCullar the mega winner of $190 Million Dollars Jackpot in Washington, WATCH US NOW:http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/jim-carolyn-mccullar-mega-millions-winners-12559371

You see after taken care of the needs of our immediate family members, we decided to donate the remaining of the fund to other individuals around the world in need, the local fire department, the Red Cross, Haiti, hospitals and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, I would love to introduce my self more and also show you picture of me and my family but firstly I want to hear from you if my gift of [$2,000,000.00 USD] is accepted by you before I proceed. Send me the below details to show that you accept my gift.

NAMES:.....
PHONE NUMBER:....
COUNTRY:.......

Thank you for accepting our offer, we are indeed grateful We anticipate your earliest response.
Best Regard
Jim McCullar

Sidenote: I never got a first email. My friend Liz sent me this when she was sent it. His lack of attention to detail is so exciting I can't handle the expectations I have already put on this.
***

Jan 12 at 11:57 AM

Mr. Jim McCullar! Huzzah! Congratulations on your treasure. Secondly, I'd like to say thank you so much to you and God for hand selecting me to share your wealth with. I have struggled over the years with menial jobs, just waiting for a honest stranger from the internet to come to my rescue to Pretty Woman me up. I will give you anything you want. Don't go breakin' my heart.

 

Baumgartner.

***

 

Jan 12 at 7:52 PM

 

NAME:

TELEPHONE.

COUNTRY:

 

Regards.

Mr. Jim McCullar

***

 

Dear Mr. Jim McCullar,

You seem like a man of many, and then few, words. I like how all over the place you are. It makes me feel safe. My name is Baumgartner. The word "telephone" appears to just be a statement. I will assume you want me to move past it. And I live in Canada.

Is that all?! Is the money in my bank account yet? Sweet dreams, Mr. Jim McCullar. You sure are formal, you generous, consistent man.

 

Love,

Baumgartner.

***

 

Today at 3:00 PM

Dear Beloved Baumgartner Bertrand

Thanks for your response, first, I have to thank you for your commitment to accept my gift and I assure you it’s a life time opportunity and 100% legitimate, the Two Million Dollars is going to pass through international laws and it's 100% risk free. I have a lawyer taking care of the documentation required to perfect the Two Million Dollars for you, and you don't have anything to worry about that because I am the one responsible for it.

I moved out of Washington United State Of America in April due to high risk of gunmen asking us for money and we were advised to leave the country for a while which we did Mitchell my grandson was kidnapped and I was asked to pay for him to be released which i did, we had to relocate to United Kingdom for a while and I am planning to come back to Idaho very soon. I must let you know that I am not getting any younger what i expect from you right now is trust and commitment because if you don't trust me you will find it difficult to accept my gift that is why you need to trust and believe me about this donation you are free to call me at anytime of the day +(44)703-1983-983.

To facilitate the disbursement process of the TWO MILLION DOLLARS which have been donated solely to you, you are to re-confirm to me once again with your promise to carry-out the good work to every less privilege around in your community, such as the charities, churches, widows and widower. I do not want to ask you for your ID as we do not want to leave an impression in your mind that we want to steal your identity). I do hope that you will be able to use the money wisely and judiciously over there in your country. We will employ you to do what you can to alleviate the level of poverty in your region and also try to enhance the standard of living of as many people as you can because that is the only objective of donating this money to you in the first place.
Note that i’ll be responsible for all the document fees about the TWO MILLION DOLLARS which my lawyer need to carry out and you are the one who will be responsible about the Bank charges fee which is the HSBC bank in the United Kingdom.

I will be awaiting your urgent response with regarding your final decision about this donation to you, before i can be able to furnish you with the HSBC BANK contact information which is the payout bank.
Best Regard,
Jim McCullar.

***

Dear Jim McCullar,

We dropped the Mr.! Adorable. Now I feel like we are old pals.

You just have all your bases covered, don't you? What a life you have! I need to know more. I wish I could sit infront of you, cross legged, while you rocked in some sort of wooden chair and told me about all your stories. Did they cap your grandson, or is he okay? And what gunmen?? You are very trusting considering your spotty past, dear friend. And why Idaho as your final destination? These are questions I need to know, Jim McCullar.

And if you're awaiting my urgent response, wait no more! I'm in! I am ALL in. I just quit my job and everything is riding on this. I'm going to help the less privilege, up to and including charities, churches, widows and widower. I will go door to door and ask people if their spouses are dead, and if they say no I will berate them in your name and shout at them why they ain't getting our money. Amiright Jim?! I will do your work.

Please message me back immediately. A lot of people are awaiting your response.

Baumgartner.
***

 

Today at 2:36 PM

Hello Beloved   Baumgartner Bertrand
 
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your last email and to confirm your reliability in this donation scheme. I am happy to inform you that I have forwarded your details over to the management of the payout bank, The HSBC Bank Plc UK. I know that they are alot of scam on the internet and everyone need to be very careful, so for me to prove myself this is my telephone number you can reach me at anytime of the day +(44)703-1983-983.
 
Now taking into cognizance the nature of the funds, United Kingdom Financial Security Act requires International beneficiaries like you is to pay for HSBC Bank Plc charges over here in the U.K., before they will transfer the [$2,000,000.00 USD], to your designated bank account anywhere in the world. I have therefore included a Donation Code Number to this message [JIM/231/2011BDB] which should be kept strictly confidential as you will use it in receiving your donation. You are to contact the management of The HSBC Bank Plc UK via email immediately as they have been authorized to transfer the fund to you by my lawyer and concluded all modalities associated with the wire transfer process.
 
HSBC BANK CONTACT INFORMATION
 
Bank Name: HSBC Bank Plc UK
Contact Person (Foreign Exchange Supervisor) : Mr  Antonio Simoes
Bank Tel Number: +(44) 702-4071-228
Bank Email Address: (hsbcfundremittancedept@yahoo.co.uk)
Mr.Antonio Simoes Email: (assimoes15@yahoo.com
Bank Website: www.hsbc.co.uk/
 
Contact Mr.Antonio Simoes via this email (assimoes15@yahoo.com)you are to provide him with your Donation Code Number [JIM/231/2011BDB] so that he can verify your identity with the details I sent over to their office earlier on today. Please endeavor to keep me fully informed on all developments with the payout bank so that I can also monitor the transfer process through a feedback from you. Your follow up and full cooperation is highly anticipated.
 
Best Regards,
Jim McCullar
***

 

Today at 3:15 PM

Hello Jim McCullar!

Thank you for your prompt reply. I have to tell you, I really appreciate your many reiterations about how this is not a scheme, and it makes me feel super comfortable when in the very first sentence of your email, you yourself refer to this as a donation scheme. Freudian slip? Who cares I'm too excited!

I feel safe with you, Jim McCullar. I think if we had met under different circumstances, I can picture us cuddling on a deck swing, sipping hot chocolate while you play with my hair and find quarters behind my ears.

So, I just want to make sure we are on the same page so nothing stops me from receiving your generous donation. You have forwarded the information I provided you with to your bank. So they know my legal name is Baumgartner, and they're aware of the continent I live on. This is good. This is real, real good. So there won't be any confusion when transferring me millions of dollars. I doubt there's another Canadian Baumgartner. Whew!

On a more personal note, let's get to know eachother better. Why don't you tell me some things about yourself. I will begin.

 

My name is Baumgartner. I love cats, delicious snackies, and writing haikus. I will write one about you.

 

Jim McCullar; pause.

Givin' cash to widowers.

Also, to me. Wow!

 

Now you!

 

I have recorded your phone number into my cellular in case any issues arise. Thank you for giving it to me. Trust is very important to me. And although when I Googled said number, the first thing that popped up was, "Email scam", I'm going to put my faith in you since you and I are the ones who have bonded recently, not me and Google!

So now all that is left in this disorienting puzzle is for me to pay the bank fees for my fortune. Of course! Makes all the sense in the world.

Here is my donation code, brother.

 

JIM/231/2011BDB
 

Thanks again, chat soon! I'm going to go look on Craigslist at personal jets in anticipation of our very legitimate exchange.

 

Love always,

Baumgartner.

***

Today at 4:01 AM

 

Beloved,have you contacted the bank now?you should have completed the transfer process by now.what exactly is holding you back?

write an email to the bank and you will be directed by Mr.Antonio Simoes.my good works of charity should have started by now.

please always keep me posted

*** 

Today at 10:11 AM

 

Hello Jim McCullar.

 

Thank you so much for your unreasonably aggressive email this Monday morning. I hope you had a wonderful weekend! I just received an email from Mr. Antonio Simoes. I will respond to him as passive aggressively as I have been responding to you. I can't wait to perform your good works of charity. I'm thinking my first act of selflessness will be geared towards the gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans community. I want to build a new gay bar for troubled LGBT youth who aren't old enough to drink yet, so they can at least do it in the open, warm, with some fabulous music. No more hiding, be who you are! Whatcha think?

 

Baumgartner.

***
 

Today at 6:12 AM

Beloved,

that is good. i just got a mail now from the bank.they are still waiting for your response.

always keep me posted.

regards  

***

 

Today at 12:48 PM

Hello Mr. Jim McCullar,

I am glad you approve of my illegal act of good will. I will contact the bank immediately. Also I would appreciate us slowing down a bit from the whole "beloved" thing, as it creates a lot of pressure and room for mixed signals. You can address me as Mr. Baumgartner Bertrand. Thank you, dear friend. Maybe sometime you can come up my way and we can take a money bath together, and befriend Canadian celebrities?

 

Mr. Baumgartner Bertrand
***

Jan 18 at 5:27 AM
Antonio Simoes
Registered No: 1026167Q Registered Office: Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom

Dear Esteemed Customer: Baumgartner

 

HSBC HOLDINGS BANK

24HOURS ONLINE-BANKING SERVICE

Registered in England.

Registered No: 1026167Q

Registered Office:

Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom

 

Dear Esteemed Customer: Baumgartner Bertrand Sarah,

 

Compliment of the day to you from HSBC Holdings Plc, United Kingdom. Britain finest and concise online banking institution with a global perspective. Our unique service trend in the European and world market speaks volume of how we hold our greatest assets (customers) in high regards.Our affiliation with the Santander group makes us a leading financial stronghold. There are a whole lot of services and products that we offer which in the long run is a far higher edge than our contemporaries in the financial market, this is why even in the face of the current financial distress pervading world market we are way ahead and still waxing stronger in financial circles.

 

 

We have confirm the instructions from the Mr Jim McCullar, instructing us to immediately open an online temporal debit account in your name; and transfer your approved grant funds of $2,000,000USD = £1,289,158.18 GBP from their personal foundation account to you via permission within the next Three (3) working days from the Cheque that was submitted to us, Our on-line temporal account opening will enable us to immediately make any further transfer of your payment funds to your designated personal bank account in your country.

As a Non-Resident of the UNITED KINGDOM, you are required to set up a Non-Resident Online/Offshore account with our Bank. This online/offshore account will be set up in your name by our Bank HSBC Holdings Plc.) As soon as you meet up to our corporate policy, you will have your account setup.
 

New Customer applying for Online Account & Transfer Fill and Return the below Manual Account Opening Form.
 

Manual Account Opening Form

 

Reference: International Application ID no:

Do you want an account with HSBC BANK:

First Name:

Last Name:

Date of Birth:

City/State:

Country:

Occupation:

Nationality:

Sex:

E-mail:

Tel:

Office Tel:

Account type:

Initial Deposit of Account:

Date of payment:

 

NEW CUSTOMER COMPLETE REG: ****************************************************************************

IMPORTANT NOTICE: Read the below carefully before attempting to fill out the Account you would want us to open for you

*****************************************************************************

All account types requires an initial deposit by customers before account can be setup, Note this deposit is the cash needed to setup your account and will be deposited into your newly setup account after it has been opened by the HSBC HOLDINGS PLC.

 

Please kindly read the below account and select your affordable account choice with initial deposit.

 

1. PERSONAL ACCOUNT: This type of account requires a minimum initial deposit of £798.00 GBP equivalent to $1,000.00 USD (One Thousand USD), this amount is required to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month with this Account is £7,000,000.00 (Seven million pounds) within one month or the equivalent amount in another currency; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of one year minimum.

2. CORPORATE ACCOUNT: This is a daily business account and the initial opening deposit is £801.00 GBP equivalent to $1,150.00 USD (One Thousand One Hundred and Fifty USD) this amount is required to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month with this Account is £15,000,000.00 (Fifteen million pounds) or the equivalent amount in another currency; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of five months minimum.
 

3. PLATINUM ACCOUNT: This is a daily personal and business account and the initial opening deposit is £968.739 GBP equivalent to $1,350.00 USD (One Thousand Three Hundred And Fifty USD) this amount is required is to set-up your new account to a fully operational account. The maximum transfer possible within a month is unlimited; and with this account you can apply for a gold membership credit card after a good business relationship of three months minimum.

Please Note: That your funds is protected by a hardcover insurance policy, which makes it impossible to deduct any amount from the funds in bank draft before its been remitted to you. This means that the above charges for opening an account cannot be deducted from the funds and hence must be provided by you before your funds can take effect for transfer. You are strictly advice to choose an account type listed above and we shall instruct you to make the payment upon the opening balance kindly fill and return the online account form below. This amount is refundable upon request if you decide to close your account. As soon as your account is set up, you will have an account number and an access code with which you can access your account through our online facilities from your home which will also enable you check your account balance and also make transfer to any account in the world.

 

On receipt of the information, you shall be educated on the process mastered to facilitate this transaction in the earliest. For more info please call +(44) 702-4071-228

 

Thank you for your patronage.

 

FOREIGN EXCHANGE SUPERVISOR
MR. ANTONIO SIMOES

 

+(44) 702-4071-228

+(44) 741-8378-178
Hsbc Bank Plc 
Registered in England.
Registered No: 1026167Q
Registered Office:Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom.

 

************************************************************WARNING*************************************************************************
This message was sent from the Accounts Department of Hsbc Bank Plc. It is only designated for intended recipient only.If you have received this email in error you should immediately discard it without transferring or storing any of it's content.
Anyone caught not abiding with these rules will be made to face the law as all communications are officially meant for Hsbc Bank Plc customers  only.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************

Hsbc Holdings Bank Plc

***

Today at 10:50 AM

Hello Mr.Simoes!

 

How are you doing this fine day? It's nice to make your acquaintance!

I would like to request the platinum account please. What are the benefits? What does the credit card look like? I want to be able to go into a high end department store, and whip out a black card out of my Michael Kors purse, and scream at the Sears lady, "Wrap it up!" And I will mean the whole store. And I'll take my purchases out back, after the stock boys have collected them, and have them immediately toss them into a dumpster just to show how humble I am. And that I don't care about material things. I will now fill out your legitimate manual online money form.

 

Reference: International Application ID no: What?

Do you want an account with HSBC BANK: Obvi.

First Name: Baumgartner

Last Name: Bertrand

Date of Birth: August 26, 1983

City/State: Toronto

Country: Canada

Occupation: Writer

Nationality: Canadian    

Sex: Yes please!

E-mail: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Tel: Don't have one.

Office Tel: Nope.

Account type: Platinum.

Initial Deposit of Account: All of it.

Date of payment: Today?

I thank you so much for believing in me, and look forward to my riches.

Baumgartner Bertrand.

***

 

Antonio Simoes 

HSBC HOLDINGS BANK 24HOURS ONLINE-BANKING SERVICE

Registered in England. Registered No: 1026167Q Registered Office: Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom

Today at 11:06 AM

HSBC HOLDINGS BANK

24HOURS ONLINE-BANKING SERVICE

Registered in England.

Registered No: 1026167Q

Registered Office:

Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom

 

Dear Valued Customer: Baumgartner Bertrand Sarah,

 
Thanks for getting back to us, without much ado, you are to be notified on brief that the services we are to render to you are in accordance with the WORLD BANK. You must be fully aware that you are to read carefully to your understanding.

 

The PLATINUM ACCOUNT OPENING (P.A.O) is to be paid before we can activate an account for you, before you will be able to transfer your sum funds into your domestic bank account in CANADA. Because your $2,000.000.00 USD is covered with an insurance cover separately BONDED, NON- DIVISIBLE, NON -NEGOTIABLE, that is why we cannot be allowed to make any deductions from it. It is also separately authenticated and cannot be deducted until it is fully transferred to you to avoid terrorism.

Be assured that in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customer satisfaction, we will handle all transfer operations with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure you receive your $2,000.000.00 USD within the shortest possible time. You will only have to follow instructions as stated above and accordingly as all procedures are meant to protect clients and to avoid cases of misappropriation and mishandling of your fund.

ACCOUNT OPENNING FEE PAYMENT PROCEDURE

After reading this message, and know how much you are to pay to enable us activate an account with your details you have provided, you are to go straight to any 'WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM' close to you and effect the payment of $1,350.00 USD to enable us activate the account in the next 2 hours.

Here is the information you are to go with to Western Union or Money Gram and effect the payment.

 

RECEIVER'S NAME : Mr. Gurjit Chungh

RECEIVER'S ADDRESS : Lincoln, California

RECEIVER'S COUNTRY: United States of America.

After you have made the payment for the PLATINUM ACCOUNT ACTIVATION, Western Union/Money Gram will issue you the payment slip and you are required to send us the below information from the payment slip to this office for confirmation.

 

SENDER NAME: 

SENDER ADDRESS:

MTCN/REF NUMBER:

AMOUNT SENT:

 

As soon as your PLATINUM ACCOUNT ACTIVATION FEE is been confirmed by our account officer there in USA, we shall commence with the opening of the account to enable you transfer your funds without any form of delay. Have it in mind that your $2,000.000.00 USD will get to you without any delay, we the HSBC BANK have faith and confident, so we shall abide to the rules of our services.

 

Thank you for your patronage.

 

 

FOREIGN EXCHANGE SUPERVISOR
MR. ANTONIO SIMOES

 

+(44) 702-4071-228

+(44) 741-8378-178

Hsbc Bank Plc 
Registered in England.
Registered No: 1026167Q
Registered Office:Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom.

 

************************************************************WARNING*************************************************************************This message was sent from the Accounts Department of Hsbc Bank Plc. It is only designated for intended recipient only.If you have received this email in error you should immediately discard it without transferring or storing any of it's content.
Anyone caught not abiding with these rules will be made to face the law as all communications are officially meant for Hsbc Bank Plc customers only.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************

Hsbc Holdings Bank Plc

***

 

On Wednesday, January 21, 2015 3:50 PM,

Sarah Bertrand wrote:

Hello Mr.Simoes!

How are you doing this fine day? It's nice to make your acquaintance!

I would like to request the platinum account please. What are the benefits? What does the credit card look like? I want to be able to go into a high end department store, and whip out a black card out of my Michael Kors purse, and scream at the Sears lady, "Wrap it up!" And I will mean the whole store. And I'll take my purchases out back, after the stock boys have collected them, and have them immediately toss them into a dumpster just to show how humble I am. And that I don't care about material things. I will now fill out your legitimate manual online money form.

 

Reference: International Application ID no: What?

Do you want an account with HSBC BANK: Obvi.

First Name: Baumgartner

Last Name: Bertrand

Date of Birth: August 26, 1983

City/State: Toronto

Country: Canada

Occupation: Writer

Nationality: Canadian    

Sex: Yes please!

E-mail: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Tel: Don't have one.

Office Tel: Nope.

Account type: Platinum.

Initial Deposit of Account: All of it.

Date of payment: Today?

I thank you so much for believing in me, and look forward to my riches.

Baumgartner Bertrand.

***

 

Today at 11:06 AM

HSBC HOLDINGS BANK

24HOURS ONLINE-BANKING SERVICE

Registered in England.

Registered No: 1026167Q

Registered Office:

Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom

 

Dear Valued Customer: Baumgartner Bertrand Sarah,

 

Thanks for getting back to us, without much ado, you are to be notified on brief that the services we are to render to you are in accordance with the WORLD BANK. You must be fully aware that you are to read carefully to your understanding.

 

The PLATINUM ACCOUNT OPENING (P.A.O) is to be paid before we can activate an account for you, before you will be able to transfer your sum funds into your domestic bank account in CANADA. Because your $2,000.000.00 USD is covered with an insurance cover separately BONDED, NON- DIVISIBLE, NON -NEGOTIABLE, that is why we cannot be allowed to make any deductions from it. It is also separately authenticated and cannot be deducted until it is fully transferred to you to avoid terrorism.

Be assured that in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customer satisfaction, we will handle all transfer operations with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure you receive your $2,000.000.00 USD within the shortest possible time. You will only have to follow instructions as stated above and accordingly as all procedures are meant to protect clients and to avoid cases of misappropriation and mishandling of your fund.

ACCOUNT OPENNING FEE PAYMENT PROCEDURE

After reading this message, and know how much you are to pay to enable us activate an account with your details you have provided, you are to go straight to any 'WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM' close to you and effect the payment of $1,350.00 USD to enable us activate the account in the next 2 hours.

Here is the information you are to go with to Western Union or Money Gram and effect the payment.

 

RECEIVER'S NAME : Mr. Gurjit Chungh

RECEIVER'S ADDRESS : Lincoln, California

RECEIVER'S COUNTRY: United States of America.

After you have made the payment for the PLATINUM ACCOUNT ACTIVATION, Western Union/Money Gram will issue you the payment slip and you are required to send us the below information from the payment slip to this office for confirmation.

 

SENDER NAME: 

SENDER ADDRESS:

MTCN/REF NUMBER:

AMOUNT SENT:

 

As soon as your PLATINUM ACCOUNT ACTIVATION FEE is been confirmed by our account officer there in USA, we shall commence with the opening of the account to enable you transfer your funds without any form of delay. Have it in mind that your $2,000.000.00 USD will get to you without any delay, we the HSBC BANK have faith and confident, so we shall abide to the rules of our services.

 

 

Thank you for your patronage.

 

 

FOREIGN EXCHANGE SUPERVISOR
MR. ANTONIO SIMOES

 

+(44) 702-4071-228

+(44) 741-8378-178

Hsbc Bank Plc 
Registered in England.
Registered No: 1026167Q
Registered Office:Canada Square LONDON, ENG E14 5HQ United Kingdom.

 

************************************************************WARNING*************************************************************************This message was sent from the Accounts Department of Hsbc Bank Plc. It is only designated for intended recipient only.If you have received this email in error you should immediately discard it without transferring or storing any of it's content.
Anyone caught not abiding with these rules will be made to face the law as all communications are officially meant for Hsbc Bank Plc customers only.
**********************************************************************************************************************************************

Hsbc Holdings Bank Plc

***

 

Today at 11:22 AM

Hello Mr. Simoes!

 

Thank you so much for such a speedy reply! You don't waste any time. What an impressive businessman you are.

 

So allow me to get things straight in my silly, female woman mind. I have to transfer $1,350 to a stranger in the States, and then I will receive my fortune? Is this correct? (I'm not saying this in a judgey tone at all, it seems ideal.)

Thanks Tony! Can I call you Tony?

 

Baumgartner.
***

Jan 22 at 9:37 AM 

 

Yes madam, you are very correct about your email, and also this person you were asked to direct the paymnent to is the our (A.R.O) Account Receiving Officer. Immediately she confirm your payment via Money gram or western union any that is closest to you, she will immediately inform the office to quickly prepare to you with your HSBC account details to enable you command your 2million dollars transfer into any of your local bank account in your country.

Please proceed with the payment and get back to me with the payment confirmation slip from your end as i await.

Regards,
Antonio Simoes.

***

 

Jan 22 at 4:12 PM

 

So Mr. Gurjit is your female receiving officer?

You are in luck, Mr. Simoes. Because Daddy's having a day, and you're the icing on the cake.

Firstly, this scam literally makes no sense. If you guys want to be thieves, at least concoct a cohesive story that isn't so lazy and outrageous that you instantly set off red flags. I mean just this morning a woman emailed me about being bed ridden for a whole year because of witchcraft against her family. I was super into it.
 

Don't email me again, please. I'm actually so over this storyline, I can't even fake it for the laugh I know I would get when I post this on my blog. I have a few other way more interesting spammers on the go. If you need a writer for these stories to make stealing from innocent people more efficient, let me know. See you in Hell.

Baumgartner.