Ruth:
“So, what are you in for? Heh.”
Rebecca
Donaldson:
“Reoccurring abdominal pain.”
Ruth:
“Hmmm.”
Rebecca
Donaldson:
“You?”
Ruth:
“Oh you know, this and that. I’ve been sitting
here waiting for forty five minutes already.” *sighs*
Rebecca:
*looks
at Ruth, unimpressed*
“I’ve been here three hours. I’m sorry, I don’t
mean to be rude, but I’m experiencing a lot of discomfort right now, so I’m
just going to keep to myself if you don’t mind.”
*Nurse
rushes past*
Ruth:
"Excuse me Nurse! Excuse me!
*Nurse
stops and turns*
I've been waiting in this God awful room for four
hours. This is ridiculous!"
Nurse:
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. Please be patient. There
is an order to things, even though it very literally never appears that
way."
Ruth:
"But people who are showing up after me, are
getting in before me!"
Nurse:
"Order of severity, Ma'am." *walks away*
Ruth:
“The weather's been tolerable the past few days.
It’s so nice to be out walking around and not worry about slipping.”
*Rebecca
fidgets in her seat. Doctor Handsome walks past*
Ruth:
*screams*
"Excuse me!!
*Doctor
Handsome spins around. Glitter falls from the ceiling.*
I've been here for six hours! Sitting here with a
case of... Outbreak!"
Doctor
Handsome:
"Pardon?"
Ruth:
"Contagion?
Beat
I have it."
Doctor
Handsome:
"You have... Contagion."
Ruth:
"Yes."
Beat
Doctor
Handsome:
"Holy SHIT!
*screams*
I need 900 cc's of epidopamine! One of those John
Travolta 'bubbles', and as much hand sanitizer as we can muster! STAT!"
*starts
bouncing from left foot to right foot, panicking*
Audrey:
"Oh dear."
Rebecca
Donaldson:
*agitated
and snappy*
“Contagion is a movie. With Gwyneth Paltrow and
Matt Damon. You can’t have ‘contagion’. This is ludicrous. Doctor, I am in
agonizing pain. I’d rate it a ten out of ten. I can't sit here anymore and
listen to her. I just can’t. I’ve been here far longer than that liar, and my
nerves are shot. Please.”
Doctor
Handsome:
"Don't panic, Old Lady. Thank you for
self-diagnosing. You just saved us precious time!"
Ruth:
"You know, maybe I was overreacting. I'm
going to sit here quietly, until it's my turn."
Doctor
Handsome:
"NURRSEEEE! Needle, now!"
*Nurse
comes running in with needle, which Doctor Handsome grabs. Doctor Handsome and
Nurse look at each other longingly, and start making out. They finish.*
"Now Lady, hold still. I am going to insert a
needle into your heart, to extract the venom."
Ruth:
"Needle in my heart?!
*looks
around frantically*
Henry! Where’s my husband?! No needles!”
*Doctor
and Nurse eye Ruth, then each other, then Ruth, then each other carefully.
Doctor slowly and reluctantly puts the needle away.*
Doctor
Handsome:
“Ma’am, then you’re just going to have to wait
like everybody else.”
*Doctor
exits stage*
Ruth:
(to
Rebecca Donaldson)
"I wish I brought a book. My purse strap
broke, so I was going to bring one of those reusable bags, but it's so hard to
find one that's sturdy enough for Danielle Steele."
*Doctor
walks by again, with clipboard*
Rebecca
Donaldson:
"Uhhhhh, excuse me! Hello! I just had a grand
mal seizure. I need medical assistance this instant!"
Doctor
Handsome:
*rolls
eyes* "I'll bring you a diaper and a wet
nap." *walks away*
Ruth:
"Doctor! Doctor! Come back. I've been here
for eight hours! I've got ants in my pants!"
Doctor
Handsome:
*pensive*
"Sounds malignant..."
Ruth:
"Feels malignant."
*Rebecca
coughs once. Nurse rushes in, Doctor runs over to her, pushes Ruth aside, and
throws a mask on Rebecca*
Doctor
Handsome:
"Are you okay??"
*Rebecca
nods yes, stops, and slowly starts shaking her head no. They rush her off to
emergency. Ruth is alone. Ruth fidgets with a magazine, looks around, starts to
get anxious*
Ruth:
"Nurse? Doctor?"
*both
enter the stage again*
Doctor
Handsome:
"Your friend is in good hands now. She's in
Waiting Room B. I'm sure someone will be with her shortly. That was a close
one. I'm parched. Nurse! I need a Dixie cup, STAT!"
*Nurse
nods sensitively*
Ruth:
"I know that you're probably tired of this
silly old lady, but I need to get in there. I have a bun in the oven."
Nurse:
"But you're like, 100!"
Ruth:
“Makes no difference, you brash young thing! You
watch your sass mouth. I’ve got a bun in the oven, and it needs to be tended
to!”
Beat
Ruth:
"So can you please see me next, so I can go
home and take it out before it burns?!"
*relief
washes over Doctor Handsome and Nurse’s face*
Ruth:
"I don't know why I didn't leave it until
after I got back home. I mean, it is literally one bun, baking in my oven.
There's no way it's not burnt to a crisp."
Doctor
Handsome:
"Well let me take a look at you. What symptoms
are you experiencing?"
Ruth:
"My feet are cold."
Doctor
Handsome:
"Inoperable tumor."
Ruth:
*shakes
head*
Doctor
Handsome:
"Shingles. Heel spurs."
Ruth:
"Don't think so."
Doctor
Handsome:
"Lupus."
Ruth:
"Nope."
Doctor
Handsome:
"Come on, have you ever seen 'House'?! It's
always Lupus!"
*Barry
walks in and sits next to Ruth*
Barry:
*looks
at Doctor*
"I have a fever!"
Doctor
Handsome:
*reaches
for Barry’s med chart, opens it up*
Barry:
"A dance fever!"
*Doctor
smiles, Barry laughs in a jolly manner. Doctor looks at Barry’s med chart, face
drops. Looks at Barry**
Doctor
Handsome:
"Sweet sassy molassy; you actually do have a
fever."
Barry:
*still
smirking* "Heh, yeah, I told you. So what’s the
prescription? A lollipop, and some bed rest, Doc?”
Doctor
Handsome:
"No. It's typhoid. And it's fatal. Thanks a
lot, Debbie Downer."
black
