June has already proven to be such a busy month. Pride
planning, writing Re-Tails, goin’ a little nuts. But, although it’s not
polished, I thought I’d give you guys a little something to read and hopefully
giggle at tonight. I’m trying real hard to stick to Monday posts. Hope everyone
had an awesome weekend, and I’ll be posting more throughout the week.
I've been in the process of writing a book on my
retail experience, specifically working at the pet store, for the last three
years. I have a lot of material, and in the process of putting it all together,
I've compiled a list I thought I would share. I promise you this list has not
been exaggerated. There is such thing as a stupid question, folks. And spoiler
alert; we don't sell any of these things.
- cigarettes
- lottery tickets
- panicked mall patrons frantically searching out
a communal bathroom
- hippopotamuses
- capybaras
- seagulls
- pigeons
- squirrels
- chipmunks
- bats
- phone cards
- scotch tape
- human clothing
- eagles
- animal traps
- taxidermy information
- tampons
- snake poop, to get rid of mice
- seahorses
- Meer cats
- hawks
- falcons
- ground hogs
- cabbits
- komodo dragons
- pigs
-opossums
- rattlesnakes
- pit bulls (THEY ARE ILLEGAL.)
- wolf mixes
- ants
- porcupines
- "real" sharks
- baby owls
- monkeys
- cobras
- dolphins
- “Is that chinchilla a squirrel?”
- “Are those kittens overheated? Their eyes are
closed.” “They're sleeping.”
- “Have you ever heard... of a kitten... being
born on a Wednesday night?? I Googled it. It happened to me.”
- “Can I use my PetSmart card?? Why not!”
Literally makes no sense. Like if I put up a stink if The Gap wouldn’t accept
my No Frills card.
- One time, a customer asks at cash if there was
any birds around. I pointed to the Canary’s cage that was sitting next to me.
She shrieked, and asked if I was going
to take it out of the cage.
- “Are those dogs 69ing?”
- “Do you have Igloos or space heaters? They’re
for different animals.” Obviously! A
penguin or a giant panda??
- "I have crabs. Where's the food?" You're going to really want to watch your
wording, and specify that they're hermit crabs.
- "Do animals bite?" "Anything with
teeth are capable." "Oh great, so you sell feral animals??"
- “Are those rabbits/ cats/ dogs?”
-Looking at cat food in a dish. “Is that chocolate??
It looks like chocolate!”
- “Are all dogs one species? Like, dogs are boys, and
cats are girls?”
- “Hey, those treats; are they for dogs or people?”
- People simply cannot accept that there are logical
explanations for things. “Why do cats sleep at the same tim? Did you drug them?”
“Why won't birds fly away when you open their cage?” There is obviously an
invisible electric force field. “What happens to animals that don't get sold?”
Animals always get sold. Always. They drop the price until they get sold. In
ten years, there has not been one animal that has not been sold. I hate you.
- Customer purchasing a Black Nasty fish. "Are
these fish mean?" "Well, the name implies aggression.” “Ya, but are
they nice?” They will destroy all of your other fish. They’re literally called
Black Nastys.
- One day, a customer with a hearing issue came in
because her dog needed shampoo for dry skin. She was told she needed something
with oatmeal, and then was livid when she looked through the shampoo aisle for
half an hour, and couldn’t find anything with Opium in it.
- "How much is a small dog? I know you don't
sell them, but how much are they?" How. Get out.
- Three years later, after not selling dogs. "Where
are the dogs? Wow, the last time I was here must have been three years
ago." No, you are there every week. I always see you and cringe!
- Forgetting your points card, and blaming us. "Oh
wait! Did it go through?! Have I lost my points??" No, you haven't lost anything on a $1.70 purchase. I
would rather die than do a refund for that.
- "I need scissors to open this package of
scissors!" I don't care how you open it. Naw at it like a rabid badger if
you're so inclined.
- "Why is my hamster not eating anything? I
didn’t get that food you suggested, but I’ve been feeding it Chinese food all
week. He doesn’t eat like us?”
- "Do you have any primates? We're all primates.
heh heh" You’re tricky, Sir. Get out.
- On fat cats: “Hey, is that cat pregnant?!”
- "Something's wrong with my cat. Fur
everywhere. On my couch, on my clothes."
- "What's wrong with that cat's eyes? Why are
they closed?"
- " You don’t have puppies anymore? No
puppies? Ever? None? No more?"
- “Hey, why are your animals all asleep? Did you
use tranqs?” Don't trust people who use slang for something like that.
- "How much are you?"
- "What's the difference between a bunny and
a rabbit?"
- "Can I order a bunny or a falcon? How do I
get in touch with a black market?"
- On skinny pigs: "Do you shave and charge
more?"
- "Don't you think it's inhumane to spay or
neuter?" I think I hate this question the most. How do they know?? How is
it inhumane??
- "Is the dog in the window a show model? Do
you have a catalogue?"
- "Are these indoor cats?"
- "How much are they in animal years?"
- "Need a toy for my cat to stray away from the
roaches?"
- “Why do fish have to live in water?”
-“Do you guys sell pest control? I mean I know you
sell rats/mice but do you also sell traps/poison?”
- “Do you guys sell flea shampoo for humans?”
- “Is that dog having a seizure?!! Dogs don’t
twitch in their sleep! Only humans do that!”
Terrible
Jokes:
-
“Hey! Guinea pigs! Like G Force! Ever
seen it?!”
-
“Is this bag free? You can’t charge
anymore!”, and then laughing hysterically like they just made an incredible
joke.
-
“Rabbit stew/ lucky rabbit feet!”
-
“Hey, know what happens if you cross a
Bulldog and a Shih Tzu?!” It’s a Bull Shih. Idiot.
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