My Letter to Dr. Scholl's

Dear Dr. Scholl's Massaging Gel Superior Comfort Insoles,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 27 year old pet store employee who enjoys the idea of jogging, exotic crepes, and dancing.

I recently received a pair of your fancy magic rubber feet thingies (insoles) as a present for the relief of my ailing feet. You see, Dr. Scholl's, my feet are ill; with grief, and pain. I work a very lucrative retail job, that demands I be on my feet for several hours a day. Those several hours add up to tens of several, and before I know it, my foot pain has spiraled out of control. I'm often left limping and disoriented, exasperated and dispondant. Allow me to set the scene:

Me: Gosh, my feet are so sore!
My Manager: You never say `gosh`, but you sure do complain a lot about your foot pain Sarah Bertrand. Maybe you should take action. Serious action.
Me: Looks like a job for Dr. Scholl's!
My Manager: Why are you yelling? Where are you going? You already had your break! *end scene*

By this time, you're probably aware of where I'm going with all of this. I, Sarah Bertrand, am so enamored with your product, I have decided that I will offer you my services of being your spokesperson. I have several witty and ingenious ideas of promoting your product to a plethora of individuals, young and old, new and old, old and crabby (with foot pain), that you are going to be left speechless! Allow me to set a few of the scenes that I'm envisioning for your new commercials:

Me, dressed as a mid thirties semi professional entrepreneur: "Hi, I'm Sarah Bertrand. You may remember me from *chuckles* the every day average Joe. I'm you, if your feet hurt. And this product works." Then the camera will slowly pan out, and it will show that I'm standing in a pile of Dr. Scholl's rubber insoles. And I'll just start throwing them at the camera, insole after insole, to show the public that it's urgent they get them, and fit them into their own shoes. As urgent as my really fast throwing.

Or,

I dress up as an Olympic runner. My hair is pulled back into this really tight pony tail, and I'm wearing large hoop earrings. There's a twinkle in my eye (you can choose which one), and I'm stretching. Slowly. Suddenly, I look up. Up, up, waaay up. Into the sky. Then, it cuts to a starry sky, where the moon is big and bright. And then you see me start running across the sky, running across the moon. There could be a trail of stars behind me, but if you think that's unrealistic we could use a trail of flames. Then, at the end, when the audience is probably catching their breath, or wiping their eyes (from emotion), the camera pans to me, standing in an open field, and the caption, "Feet? What feet? Air is propelling me forward. Air, and blue gel. Across the sky, across the pain and discomfort... to satisfaction and relief." Then you could throw in your logo. *fin*

I look forward to working with you in the near future, and I sincerely thank you for creating such a magical and innovative product such as the one that resides currently in this dainty lady's size ten men's skate shoes. I have a new lease on life. I can probably do so many more things I was never able to before! Like samba or ju jitsu. Congratulations! To you!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Cool Beer

Dear Cool Beer,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old Chia Pet enthusiast, who enjoys antique hourglasses, hakka style chicken, and beer labels that contain some sort of ferocious animal.

About an hour ago, I was consuming some delicious spicy hakka style chicken, with white sticky rice, stir fried vegetables, and a Cheetah Beer beverage. My girlfriend, Holly, said I should get it because of it's name, and I agreed it was humorous and the notion of broadening my beer horizons excited me. The chicken was a little too spicy for my taste, and the beer, at first, seemed mediocre. Holly said it had an aftertaste of a bag of garbage that had been set on fire, but I think she was being a tad out of line. Post consumption, I didn't think anything was awry.. until, that is, we got home.

I began pacing around my living room in a panicked, primal manner. In circles. Growling at everything and being territorial. At first, I didn't realize what I was doing could be construed as odd. However, as I sit here atop the drapes, yelling my thoughts to Holly to translate into a serious email to you, I think that there is a problem. A big problem. And the problem is called, me now being a cheetah.

I just ate a raw porkchop, and I'm running around so fast, even my cats can't catch me. Please send the antidote immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to another Spammer

October 11, 2009

On Sat, 10/10/09, Lione Prez wrote:

From: Lione Prez
Subject: Dear Beloved,
To:
Received: Saturday, October 10, 2009, 9:52 AM

Dear Beloved,
I am Madam Lione Prez-a citizen of philippine,widow, and legitimate heir to the late former Minister of finance who was assassinated for been working with the ex-president Joseph .E in philippine.

I inherited a total sum of 5 million dollars my late husband, The presure from my decease husband's family for this money has compelled me to leave Manila and have the money which is concealed in a metallic trunk box is deposited with a security and finance company Burkina Faso under a secret arrangement as a family treasure.
This means that the security company does not know the content of this box that was shipped from the Philippine to Burkina Faso under a diplomatic coverage.

My purpose of asking for your assistance boil down to the fact that I don't want my late husband's family to be aware or name involve, and the deposit statement of the box authorized the company to make this box avaliable for shipment on request only to my foreignbussiness representative, though unname.

Hence I want you to contact the the security company as my bussiness partner / associate, after receiving the prove from me to enable the company release the consigment to you diplomatically, while I join you on the arrival of the box.

I have recently paid all demurrage ,storage charges and the shipment fee, all you need do is to help me contact the security company and introduce yourself as my bussiness partner / associate ,requesting the shipment of the box to your address which you will provide.

And as soon as Diplomatic shipping agent approved the shipment and tell you the arrival date of the box then I will join you to give you 15% of the money instantly before I go on with the proposed investment in your domain provided is secured and investment friendly.Please if you are interested and willing to represent me as my bussiness partner / associate kindly write me as soon as possible.

I awaits your urgent response
Best wishes
Madam Lione Prez.
***
--- On Sat, 10/10/09, Sarah Bertrand wrote:

From: Sarah Bertrand
Subject: Re: Dear Beloved,
To: prez.lione@yahoo.com.hk
Received: Saturday, October 10, 2009, 8:13 PM

this is incredible.. this is the opportunity of a lifetime! how can i begin my quest as soon as possible?
***

Confirm this mail...Sunday, October 11, 2009 6:41 AM
From: "Lione Prez" Add sender to Contacts
To: "Sarah Bertrand"
My Dear Partner,
Thanks for your email and your sincere understanding to help and do this business with me. I will be very greatful to you and expecialy to God who have directed me to choose only you in this great venture to rescue me out of the lion den to live a better life in your country, you may not understand very well why i use the word "lion den" i am going through hell right here in the Philippines and i have gone through a lot of humiliation in the hands of this wicked and heartless family of my late husband, but i strongly beleive that if you are able to help me retreive this box of money from the security company to your end which means my life will come back to normal again when i join you soonest.

You will have to help me in bringing this box of money out of the security company where the money was deposited, that is the more reason why I contacted you because I will not want our family name to be involved in this great transaction for some security reasons of my safety and the safety of my funds. All you have to do to make this transaction a true successful venture is to call the security company and give them your correct safe residential address where you want the box of money to be deliver, then they will use their diplomatic power to ship the money to your address with immediate effect. Before the box of money get to your address, I will give you the keys to open the box for you to send me some money to arrange for my travelling documents to meet up the arrival of the box at your address where the box is delivered.

Please i hope there will be utmost confidence in this transaction? as it will benefit both of us because i'm willing to offer you 15% of the money outside any of your little expenses that you may incure during cause of this transaction as long as you can assist me soonest, that is you will be entilte to 15% of the total sum as your own share of the money for your kind assistance.
I am ready to give you the security company's contact number and the documents that I used in depositing this box of money which is the certificate of deposit they gave me on the very day when I deposited the box of money with a code as family treasure, I will also to feed you with more informations and giudlines for you to discuss with the company without making any mistake .

Upon your confirmation of this email, I will send you my identity and also scan the document as file and send it to you by email attachment so that you can call the security company in Ouagadoudou Burkina Faso to give them your address where they will deliver the box immdeiately,You have to act fast to your reply of this mail so that we can conclude this business sooner.

Await for your response and your confirmation so that i will send an email letter to the company in Burkina faso to introduction you to them as my associate who is to recieve the shipment of the trunk box.
I want to know more about you,

How old are you? Are you marrined? if yes how many children do you have? What do you do for a living? and which business are we going to invest this money into?
Kindly anwser this question's so that i can forward the security company contacts information's to you and my documents in my next mail.

Awaiting to hear from you, while I look forward to meet you very soon.
Bye for now and God bless
Madam Lione Prez.
***

Dear Madam Lione Prez,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old French Immersion donut eater. We have been corresponding recently about me being your personal hero.

Thank you so much for clearing up what you meant by the term, "lion den". I was confused, and for a second I thought you were typing out this grammatically stellar email nestled comfortably in the embrace of a king of the jungle.

First off, I was a little skeptical, I have to admit, about your emails. But then I crawled into a "lion den", and thought long and hard about your foolproof plan, and deduced that you have no other choice. And if the box of money from the security company cannot be retained by you, your late husband's wife, then who better to waltz in there and acquire that box of money, but I, Sarah Bertrand! *begins the slow clap* Well done, Madam Lione Prez. Hey, know what I just realized? Your name is "Lione". Like "Lion". The den in which you currently reside.

Moving along, so let me get this straight: I call the security company, give them my address, and they send me the box of money. Then you send me the keys for the box of money. And then I deduct 15% for myself, and send you the rest of it back? This.. is.. good. Really good. I can do this. 15% is more than fair. You need the majority of the money to maintain that "lion den". You know, for lighting, and not to mention feeding those "lion". Possibly hiring entertainment, like hiring Elton John to sing them all a diddy about circles, and life.

Commence shipment immediately. I will send you my address if you can answer my riddle, so I know that you are in fact legitimate.

What is the difference between an elephant and a blue plum?

You have asked me some personal questions about myself, and I will answer those so you feel more at ease with me handling your box of money, and then sending it to your den of "lion".

My age is 26. You asked if I was "marrined". I do not know what this means. I can only assume that it is the language barrier, to this I am very understanding. I will answer this question, in terms of all the things I believe this could possibly mean.

I am not marrined. I am a human being, not a mammal such as a whale. I do not have my own "World", and I actually resent that you asked me this, if I'm being perfectly honest.

I am not, in any way, affiliated with the Seattle Mariners, although I have played baseball for many years.

I am not a steak, nor am I poultry, so I have not been marinated. Although I have had two beers tonight, while cleaning my house, and I did spill a little bit on my leg when I started writing this. I do smell a little like it still, but I did wipe it off, so you can make your own assumptions I suppose.

I have no children, because I am barren. Thank you, really, for bringing up such a sensitive subject. Well, it has not been confirmed that I am barren. However I am a homosexual, and one day a few years ago, a man stopped me on the street and told me I was going to hell, and crazily spouted off something about babies, and me not being able to have them even though it's God's will, because God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve, so I can only assume that he was trying to helpfully communicate to me that I was not born with ovaries nor Fallopian tubes.

What do I do for a living? Daydream. Sometimes I read. Other times, I cry. Oh, did you mean a job? I manage my own car theft ring. It's pretty glamorous, but frowned upon in some circles, so you're going to have to keep this one between you, I, and all those "lion".

Also, we will be investing the money in "lion", and things related to "lion". Like, safaris.

I will not sleep until I hear from you again, Ms. Lionpants. Here here! Your late husband will have his vengeance! Oh, wait. Is he "wicked" like his family? Are we mad at him too?

Lion!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

My letter to the AGO

Dear Art Gallery of Ontario,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a vengeful, passionate, 26 year old woman who is somehow associated with an artist, and this is my tale of woe.

On September 19th, 2009, I was forced against my will to venture to your establishment, because my girlfriend has just started her first semester in art school, and wanted to be accompanied. Since I support her work, I decided I would put on my fancy hat and good t shirt, and venture out for some culture.

I have one question, one suggestion, and one comment. I shall begin with the "suggestion".

There was one painting, up, up, waaay up on the fifth floor (we could not locate the elevator, so we walked up the spiraling staircase of death.. I had to use my inhaler immediately after), and it was brown. Not my inhaler, the painting. A light brown. That was it. It was about the size my cat, Sunshine, if he was standing up and had his arms outstretched. He is orange, and very furry. He also is blind in one eye. It was a rather tawdry shade of brown, and there was no pattern, no picture, literally nothing on the canvas except the shade brown. It was called, "Untitled". Well, duh! That would be the *obvious* choice to call it. I, however, have contrived several more imaginative ideas for what this "piece of art" should be called. "Bark". Or, "Chocolate". Or, "Brunette". Or, "Autumn". These are just a few working ideas to jazz things up a little bit. I also thought it would be quite interesting to catch people off guard, and give them something they wouldn't expect. Like, "Shazaam! Brown!" Or, "Whoooaaaaa!" Or, "Peanut Brittle." I don't mind if you use any of the ideas. In fact, I would be very flattered. I would, however, have to insist that my name be accredited, and a wing of your building to be named after myself: Sarah C Bertrand.

Now, the comment. On the first floor, there was one larger scale photograph that took up a small wall. It was framed, and looked like someone took a picture of various items in their house, and got it developed at their local Wal Mart, or Sooters. Is Sooters still around? It was a picture of an empty pack of Belmont's brand cigarettes, an almost empty glass of what looked like Coca Cola, concealer, eyeshadow, and a few nick nacks. My friend, Kevin Tramov (who also went with us that day), exclaimed loudly and abruptly, "This looks like my make up counter!" It did, AGO, look like his makeup counter. What constitutes art nowadays? It just seemed to be random objects in a polaroid taken out of focus. Was there a hidden meaning I didn't comprehend? Or, is this is newest art fad that's going to be taking over? Because, in that case, I have several pictures I'd like to send you, and have immediately displayed. There was a brief period I was experimenting with piles. I would wait until my cat, Mr. Bojangles, was sleeping, and then I would pile as many things as I could on him until he woke up and started to squirm, and I would take a picture. Books, blankets, socks, cds, pens, a Lean Cuisine one time. I'd never hurt him, but the pictures turned out pretty inspiring. I also have pictures of my brother wearing my bathing suit when he was younger, a really great one of my mother dressed up as a cowboy a few Halloweens ago, trotting around my room, and I even have a very endearing picture of my other cat, Ned, in laundry basket. He's looking up at me, pleading with his eyes, "I'm not dirty mom! Don't put me in with the wash!" And I didn't. But it's still a great picture. Regardless, my comment is this: I don't understand it, so I fear it. You should make exhibits that are less confusing, and thus less scary.

Speaking of scary, here comes my question. As soon as you walk into the AGO, and after you've paid your fee (a fee which I will be demanding back in a few short paragraphs), there is a large room with a large exhibit. Although I do consider myself an artist at sandwich making, I am not in fact an actual, conventional artist. So, from a non artistic point of view (unless we're discussing sandwiches), what I saw not only confused me, but horrified me. There was a massive mirrored dwelling. Some of the glass was cracked, and it was two storeys high. On top there were several budgies that had visited the taxidermist, as well as a mannequin that had the body of an angry businessman, and the head of a giant bird with pubic hair glued to its face. There were several dildos on display, some bedazzled with leather, and odd viney things that looked as though they were haunted. There was also another birdman, who looked like he was late for an appointment, and thus wanted to kill someone. I don't know why he was so mad. I don't know why the words, "scrotum" and "tongue" were scratched in the trees that surrounded the whole display. I actually don't understand, even a little bit, what any of it meant. I even tried to think like a pretentious jerk, and think about it in terms of "society", and I *still* don't get it.

My question to you, AGO, is how quickly will it take me to get back my $18 sent back to me before I implement an artistic protest outside your building, involving interpretive dance, picture taking, some melting ice (like that other presentation upstairs that made even less sense), and perhaps showing of artistic emotion. Like tears. Or passion. I look forward to my $18 immediately, as well as an apology. For the world to see. Post haste.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Milton Bradley

Dear Milton Bradley,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old-stay- at- home nanny who enjoys butterscotch pudding, Paddington Bear, and references to the color teal.

A few days ago, I made the mistake of feeling nostalgic. A mistake that I will regret for the rest of my days. I was working at the time, and had what Oprah would call an "A Ha!" moment. I thought to myself, "Sarah Bertrand," I thought. "Remember when your life had meaning?" And then I thought to myself, "Nope." And then I thought to myself, "'Guess Who?' was a really good board game." And then I deduced that on my break I should mission to Wal Mart and see if they carried said game. It reminded me of my childhood, and I missed my childhood. I'm so mature right now, I can't even remember what it felt like to be a child.

So when 1:00pm came, I scuttled my way out of the store, punching wildly and invading the customer's space, while I tried to maneuver the quickest route out of there. I absconded my way through the mall, directly into Wal Mart, and scampered off to the nostalgic treasure section.

Mr. Bradley, would you like to "Guess Who?" I found?? Well sir, it's not a "who", but a "what". The game, "Guess Who!" Obviously I snatched it off the shelf, and impressively tore my way over to the cash register, and then out into the mall, and back to my place of work. I couldn't wait to get this baby home, and reacquaint myself with all those familiar faces. I missed Charles the most. He reminded me of my Uncle Pat.

Milty.. can I address you as such? Well Milty, without going into too much detail, upon opening the package of the game and discovering it's disappointing contents, I decided that a letter is in order. Not only were the various pieces so shoddily constructed that it was virtually impossible to keep the game together and functioning without cards falling out, or hinges dislocating themselves (plus a missing score keeping piece, but by that time I was so over it that I didn't deem that a priority), but the FACES.. the faces. I have written a meticulous account of every single NEW (not appeasing my sense of nostalgia at all.. i didn't recognize anybody!) mugs, what I assumed their positions in life would be, and how they made me feel.

Danial (spelt really oddly): A creepy bus driver. The kind that leers after little boys, and yells at little girls. Also, I believe he probably listens to Enya, and punches walls.

Chris: A deadbeat, unambitious, elementary school dropout who still gets an allowance, and spends it on tiny action figures, and then proceeds to melt them.

Emily: She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire. And although I really liked that movie, and have a fondness for drag queens, she looks like the version of Mrs. Doubtfire that would probably be a sociopathic thief. She also looks like she has several cats with various maladies that range in severity, and I believe I'm safe in assuming that all these felines have names that start with either "Mr." or "Mrs." Is this a safe assumption, Milty?

Kyle: Looks like he attempted to start his own boy band, and failed.. because he's 37. He also looks like he's obsessed with his past, and regrets letting his mom deter him from being a professional baseball player.

Nick: An inadequate, impotent science teacher. The pervy one you hated in high school.

Ashley: Looks like the snobby jerk who's from the ghetto but tries to act exotic with a beret and flashy costume jewelry. She also looks like she lacks respect for herself and has misplaced her morals. She undoubtedly uses a fake accent, however, I cannot decide which type of accent I feel as though she uses.

David: Looks like he's stumbled into non Mennonite territory by accident, and is terrified. The only thing that seemingly calms him down are birds living in his beard, singing him a sweet melody.

Zachary: High strung and strung out virgin. Loves pastrami, and has a diaper fetish. He also looks constipated. Is he, Milton Bradley?

Matt: Poor Matt. I mean, it's not his fault that his wife cheated on him. With another woman. Ashley, to be more precise (the aforementioned Harlot). I'm fairly certain that Matt is Benjamin Button. I am more certain that he sits down to pee.

Alex: Overweight underachiever.

Jake: Huzzah! A homosexual magician! Probably with a sassy catchphrase. He loves bananas, and refers to himself as a Hulkamaniac.

Rachel: Pillpopper.

Sarah: Great name, struggling actress. In the meantime, she's a self hating librarian, and screams into her mirror at night.

Connor: Played too much Super Mario as a kid, and is searching for his life partner, Luigi.

Brandon: Running from obesity for his whole life, and doesn't trust himself.

William: "Surf's up!" This freeloading hippy liar makes me feel anxious and disappointed.

Jon: Preteen serial killer.

Joshua: Hey, is that Joshua? Yes. And he'll kill you. He also has a sexual fetish, with sauces.

James: I believe that James is actually a chocolate covered almond that was placed in this game by accident. A goatee was then thrown on as a lackluster apology. No one's head looks like that.

Joseph: Tranny riddled with anxiety.

Andy: Hey, do you like tax evasions? No? Andy does.

Tyler: Tyler's touching Kyle as I type.

Justin: Wears a stained wife beater, eats ketchup sandwiches, and beats his wife. He has given up on himself, and doesn't deserve the exposure.. just leave him alone.

Last, but not least..

Megan: Her indiscretions got her a great job. I can't be mad at that.

Well Mr. Bradley, my disappointment is unmistakeable, and completely founded, but I am sure that you have already come to that conclusion on your own. I expect a full refund of $18.96 plus applicable taxes, and every single current "Guess Who?" game to be taken off of store shelves, everywhere. I expect a new game constructed this instant, with the use of all of the old characters, and two new ones: Sarah Bertrand, and my grey domestic cat, Ned. I'll send pictures to aid the process. Ned is very fluffy. It's very important to me that this aspect of him is captured.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to a response immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***

Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 5:43 AM
From: This sender is DomainKeys verified"Hasbro Consumer Affairs"
Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Recently you submitted a question to our Consumer Affairs team. Below is a summary of your question and our response.

Thank you for allowing us to be of service to you.

If your issue remains unresolved, please update this question here.

Subject
Guess Who board game

Discussion Thread
Response (Kerry Vaux) 09/23/2009 08:43 AM
Hi Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Hasbro, Inc.

We are very sorry to hear that you were not satisfied with your Guess Who game and can fully appreciate the disappointment caused. We pride ourselves on ensuring that our products are of the highest quality and we are concerned to learn that this game was unsatisfactory.

We will be happy to send a postage paid mailing label to assist you in returning the game to us along with your receipt. . Once we have received your game and receipt, and a refund will be issued to you less the tax.

Please be advised that we cannot accept responsibility for uninsured, lost or misdirected mail. To facilitate the process, please include a brief note explaining the problem with the product, along with your return address and phone number.

Sarah, we appreciate having the opportunity to assist you. We hope you and your family will enjoy our products for many years to come.
***
re: Guess Who board game [Incident: 090923-000027]
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 6:28 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details
To: "Hasbro Consumer Affairs"

Dear Milton Bradley, or Kerry Vaux- Bradley,

Huzzah! Such a prompt and diplomatic response! "Guess Who?"!! It's Sarah Bertrand! Did you enjoy my approach? Did I make you giggle? Even a little bit? I hope so. I appreciate your offer to refund my hard earned money, however I have misplaced the receipt. I had it on the computer table for two weeks, and my girlfriend did a "big clean", and then it went missing. I'm not blaming her for it being gone (I already told her that), but I am saying that it was definately there before she cleaned, and now it's not. Perhaps I should get a decorative container for my receipts. Or a file folder. There wouldn't be very many receipts in it though, so maybe just a sandwich bag. Like a ziploc. I'll have to remember to pick some up.

Alas, I am getting off track. I'm saddened and perplexed as to why my simple request at the personalized "Guess Who?" game could not come into fruitation.. I had already told my family (extended as well) that I had made myself into an overnight success, and they should expect very impressive and prestigious early Christmas presents. I assumed the game would be on the shelves by early next week. There is already a huge demand for this product. I just don't understand, Milton Bradley. You have disappointed a lot of Bertrands. Not to mention friends of Bertrand's.

I guess, since I don't have a receipt anymore, the only logical thing to do would be to go out, and re-purchase another "Guess Who?" sub par board game from Wal Mart. Maybe they'll have jacked up the price this time, so I'll get even more money back from you guys. God I'm so smart!! Maybe I'll quit my job and make a living getting refunds for products I've purchased. I'd better go now and try and figure out how to patent my idea. Thanks for being so accommodating and nice.

Toodles!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Red Lobster

Dear Red Lobster,

Salutations! My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 26 year old crustacean lover, who enjoys garlic butter, seamen, and watching food I'm about to consume in it's last afflicted moments of life.

I just finished grazing upon a scrumptious meal at your Yonge and John location, and I am stuffed! I enjoyed a medley of flavours, namely seafood, mashed potatoes, and one and a half buns. It was like Jesus himself had punched me in the mouth with a hug. And garlic shrimp.

I wanted to congratulate you on the impeccable positioning of your live lobsters (right smack dab as soon as you enter the establishment.) It's such a great idea. I always find myself saying, after fine dining, "God, that chicken was so tasty. I just wish I got to see an overzealous morbid display before I ate it. For example, a gaggle of rabid hens tearing through the restaurant in all their glory, feathers flying, skittering over my feet so I can truly see their personalities, thus being able to determine which fowl to devour."

I shall immediately begin a crusade in restaurants across Canada, to implement mandatory animal showcasing before ingesting. Not being able to see my dinner before feasting is just tacky.

You are delicious, Mr. Lobster. Thank you, and goodnight.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Dini Petty

Dear Dini Petty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure hunter who enjoys costume jewelry, couscous, and bargains. Recently I was on a treasure hunting expedition at a local secondhand book store, when I came across a novel that struck my fancy. It was entitled, "In Her Shoes", by Jennifer Weiner. There was a movie made about this particular book (of the same name), starring Toni Collette and Cameron Diaz. This, Mrs. Petty, is neither here nor there.

As you can imagine, I snatched the book up, skedaddled over to the counter, and flung it down in a fit of panic and validation, much to the surprise of the cashier. I was a sweaty, euphoric mess. With tears streaming down my face, I purchased that novel, with a filthy wadded up five dollar bill. As I gleefully skipped out of the store with my brand new secondhand sensational find, I didn't think there was anything else in the world that could have happened to me (that day) to equal the level of elation that I was experiencing through the discovery of Mrs. (or Ms.) Weiner's piece.

That, Dini Petty, was an erroneous statement that I had made privately in my head, if there ever was one. Because as I opened the book for the first time, what fell out is something so unbelievable, I am still in a state of shock. What fell out of that book, Dini Petty, was... your signature. On a BBS cardboard autograph card. With your picture. That you had written on. Foolishly used as a bookmark.

THE LUCK!!!

Not only did I lack a bookmark altogether (before I had bought this book), but I had also lacked any sort of Dini Petty memorabilia in my house! Until now! I was awestruck. Exhilarated. Pleased as punch. Frenzied even, for good fortune had punched me in the face with something tangible that you had penned.

Thank you Dini Petty. Thank you for your talk show, and thank you for existing. You covered groundbreaking issues, and had on incredible musicians, such as The Moffatts and Shania Twain. Also, remember when Julian Lennon was slamming Yoko Ono on your show? That was a little awkward. But you handled it like a seasoned professional.

I am allowing my excitement to sidetrack me; for this I apologize. The reason for this letter is one tinged with a selfish motive. I have a favour to ask of you, Dini Petty. Although this autograph card now sits framed on my night table, and my level of appreciation towards you is so intense I should be ashamed of myself.. unfortunately I think that I could appreciate it that much more if it was personally autographed. To me. Like you wanted me to have it. Sarah Bertrand, 25 year old daydreamer and nostalgic talk show enthusiast. I would be honoured to proudly display your name and photo, along with my name somewhere on the photo, and a witty and inspirational inscription. Something along the lines of people like me (or me personally), being the reason that you got into the industry in the first place, and to keep reaching for the stars because you can already tell that I'm going to make it in whichever endeavours I choose to pursue. I have a really great frame already waiting for it.. it's shiny and black and 8 by 10.

I thank you again Dini Petty, for your secret selfless quest to make sure that a simple girl with big dreams such as myself, had a really good day. I look forward to hearing from you immediately.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand