Inapark's Reality Proposal: Big Mother

Dear Big Brother Canada,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am very displeased with you. Recently, I auditioned for your hit television show, and I truly believed that it went splendidly. I went with my two friends, and I felt in the cockles of my heart that we were all extremely charming, interesting, and perfect material for the bright lights of show biz. 

As the days have turned to nights, and nights back into days, I am now writing to you to tell you this: message received, Big Brother Canada. Myself, nor my friends, have apparently made the cut. I can only hope that you will choose appropriately, and that the cast of Big Brother Canada 2 will be willing to humiliate themselves with nonsensical behaviour as I would have. I will outline my Game Plan to you, just in case there is a chance that you will change your mind. 

Sarah Bertrand's Gameplan:

- Immediately make an alliance with a house plant. They can keep secrets, and when it comes out everyone in the house, they will assume that my line of thinking is so advanced that there must be a method to my madness, and they'll all want on board. But the joke's on them; because it is literally an alliance with a house plant. 

- Hoard alcohol, and keep in base of house plant.

- The contents of my treasure list when I win Head of Household will be so special and unique that no one will be able to handle it. I'm talking medieval weapons, definitely my two cats Binx and Twig, an elaborate magic set, photographs of the other player's mothers or legal guardians to keep them guessing, the works.

- And lastly, lie to everyone. Lie about things that don't even make sense. "Hey guys, just so you know I'm having a glass of milk because I'm not lactose intolerant. Carry on about your day, gonna get my calcium on." Guess what? Joke's on you, I AM lactose intolerant. I will spend the whole afternoon in the bathroom. And why? There's actually no valid reason. But my pants will be on fire the whole season, if you catch my drift. "Oh man, I hope my male fiance doesn't mind me wearing shorts and showing off my calves. We're getting married in the fall. But he's okay with a showmance or TEN." I will make love to everyone on set. Even the camera people.

In the rare event that you are not immediately swayed, I have planned a defensive tactic that will have you wanting to hitch your wagon to my star. Introducing, a television show that will inevitably be picked up in the near future; Big Mother Canada.

The Pitch:

"Big Mother": Canada's newest leading social experiment reality television show. It will depict real life familial situations that everyone can relate to, and exaggerate them to see which one of the twelve contestants have what it takes to last in the Big Mother Household until the end, to claim the ten hundred dollar prize.

The Players:

Twelve individuals, stuck in a house for two months with an overbearing Mother figure, screaming at you to take Echinacea.

The Prizes:

The Grand Prize is $1000 that's locked away in a high interest savings account until you're more responsible.

The Obstacles:

- Isolation will be enforced: if you don't do the dishes right after you've eaten, if you don't put the groceries away immediately, or you miss an occasion.
- There will be veto competitions, and rewards. There will be a group of individuals called the "Have Nones" to avoid copyright infringements, but we're going to have to get a lawyer on all of the other similarities. "Hey wanna win the Power of Veto? Aunt Joan forgot to take her pills. Who will settle her down?"

- Handsy Uncle Ray will definitely be an obstacle, like he is at every Christmas. Am I right?
- "Take that shirt off, sure hope you don't have any hidden tattoos or piercings!" Penalty.

The Challenges:

- There will be stamina and memory challenges.
- There is a maze through mud, but don't forget to take your shoes off before you come back into the house! Maybe when you finally move out on your own, and have to do your own cleaning, you'll finally have some respect.
- There will be a shit ton of Sudoku.
 - Remember those swimming lessons you dropped out of, or those karate classes you skipped? Sure hope your past instructors won't show up to embarrass you on live television. (They will.)

The Point:

- Ratings, and conflict resolution. These are life skills we're teaching here. Because as naggy and passive aggressive Big Mother is, she's also protective, and always wants the best for you. Also there is about a month's worth of rent to claim as a prize at the end of this ordeal. All the music for the television show will be scored by the musical magician who produced sound for Full House, and Big Mother will either be played by Queen Latifah or Jessica Lange.

I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to chatting with you in the near future. Have a great day today, and sweet dreams tonight.

Sarah Bertrand

Yahooanswers.com: How do I punish someone for naming their cat something stupid?

"I work at a pet store, and today an old woman told me about her tabby. He was brown, and had white tipped ears. She named him Tippy. This is literally the worst name I have ever heard, and I want Tippy taken away from her. Should I find out where she lives and take him myself, or should I call the police? Also, what should I rename Tippy?"

• Answerer #1 answered 6 days ago

  So then... basically... you're just a blithering idiot. If you have an alternate explanation... I'm all ears.

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• Answerer #2 edited 6 days ago

  Seriously; what did I just read here ???
  
  The old bat can name her cat anything she wishes. Methinks your are having us "on for a lark" or you have fallen on your head at some point today.

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• Answerer #3 answered 6 days ago

  Well the first step is to find out who her friends are. Once you have, this is the important part by the way, you need to give them a gift basket to give her with lots of fruits and cheeses in it. These gift baskets represent disapproval in many cultures, and once she receives it she will undoubtedly understand that she has done wrong.

  Source(s):

  Honestly, you aren't that stupid, quit trollin.

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• Answerer #4 answered 6 days ago

  Follow her. Follow her and take Tippy! When you get him, I think you should call him 'Shithead'. This way when you call "Shithead! Come here Shithead!', you can see how many people turn around to answer you. Taking her beloved Tippy will be punishment enough for the old bag.

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• Answerer #5 answered 6 days ago

  if the cat is completely abused and not well taken care of, then I can see why you would want to intervene, but since you didn't say anything in that manner, its non of your business what she named him. he's her cat, not yours. stealing him would more than likely break her heart. just leave well enough alone and go find your own cat in a shelter. stop trying to be vindictive when you think that a name is ridiculous. YOU are being ridiculous!

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• Answerer #6 answered 6 days ago

  ITS JUST A NAME FOR CYIN OUT LOUD
  if she has hurt the cat in any way then it should be taken away but really its just a name

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• Answerer #7 answered 6 days ago

  What I would do is just buy a big bag of cat nip and sprinkle it all over her door step so she walks over it and brings it in her house. That way the name is accurate now that the cat will be Tippy.

  Source(s):

  My brain.

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• Answerer #8 answered 6 days ago

  This is a joke, right?

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• Answerer #9 answered 6 days ago

  Its not your decision on what people name their cats or dogs or any other pets. Just cause you do not like the name doesn't make it wrong. In fact I think its a cute name.

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• Answerer #10 answered 6 days ago

  I have an idea: ignore it

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• Answerer #11 answered 6 days ago

  Tippy will not be taken away from the owner. Leave them alone.Oh yes call the police,i can hear them laughing now.
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    0None of these answers doing it for you?

Yahooanswers.com: How do I legally break a pinky swear?

"My friend and I pinky swore on something that I want to back out of. She told me that if I ever broke it, my whole family would die. Is this true? How do I legally break a pinky swear?"

• Sean

  Yes if you break a pinky swear u and your family will die and your souls won't be saved by raptor jesus and he went extinct for are sins

  • 16 hours ago
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• Listener Sheogorath

  

  You can break a pinky swear any way you like because they aren't legally enforceable as contracts. Also, I personally wouldn't keep such an oath with a person who made me feel my family was under threat if I was unable to keep the promise.

  • 16 hours ago
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Yahooanswers.com: How do I gain the maximum amount of Yahoo points?

"I am rapidly losing Yahoo points, and I have no idea how this system works. At first I didn't care, but now I would literally break the law for one stinkin' point. How do I get more, and how do I redeem them? What prizes am I entitled to? What does it mean? And will everyone please stop reporting me? I have so much more to give."

- Johnny G
"You don't get any prizes for answering on Yahoo Answers. The more questions you ask, the more points that get taken away from your account. Each question costs you five points to ask, and each answer gives you two points for answering  If you want the max amount of points, try answering questions more than asking them. You will get tons of points that way but remember the amount of questions you can ask and answer is limited for each level account. Good luck."

- Daniel
"There are no prizes here and if you're being reported you are obviously posting something that is against the rules if you have not done so please read the rule book not everything is allowed on here. If you ask questions you lose points. To get more points keep on answering questions. If someone picks yours as the best you will  get an additional ten points."

Yahooanswers.com: Can Someone Please Help Me Create A Logo?

This was reported and deleted within hours. Makes no sense, I am livid.


"I need a logo for my company, but everything I draw ends up looking like a penis. I need someone with a marketing skill set to please help me design a logo for my company, that doesn't look like a penis. Only serious people answer please. Also, my company is I sell bananas."

- Dee
"Are you kidding me? Don't you know that sex sells? Here we go- full, extra red banana, and someone taking a big bite. Wow now all of a sudden I'm in the mood for a big banana! :)"

-Dany
"I am a professional logo designer I will make your logo better TEN DOLLARS MY PRICE I am waiting to hear from you."

- Drarera
"You could do a monkey, eating a banana maybe. What's your company name?"

Yahooanswers.com: Could I Be Arrested For Dodging The Swiss Chalet Delivery Man?

"I just ordered three quarter chicken meals from Swiss Chalet because I was sad. I changed my mind, and had three Lean Cuisine dinners instead. Swiss Chalet is on their way; if I turn all the lights off and hide, could I get arrested for not answering the door? Also my credit card has already been charged."


- Dee
"I'm afraid that not only could you get arrested for this, but you could be the cause of an international crisis! The Swiss have always been known to be a neutral country, and I fear that if you continue with your scandalous plot against Swiss Chalet, you personally will be responsible for them turning against us! Here's my solution to your dilemma; since your credit card has already been charged, and your belly is full from Lean Cuisine (good on you, cuz I'd never be full off that!), why don't you just call them and say you've changed your mind on your delivery address and send them my way? International crisis averted! ;) Source: Hungry belly talking

- Quite New
"Simple. Since your card has already been billed, YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE THAT FOOD.
Later, a couple of hours later, you'll want that three orders of quarter chicken meal. I guarantee you'll be sorry if you paid for it and your neighbour STOLE IT because the Swiss Chalet delivery guy will just leave your order in your front door."

- Tokyo
"You were already charged."

-Johnnie
"Probably not."

Yahooanswers.com: Am I A Bully?

"I am against bullying, but I loved the movie Mean Girls starring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams. I think the way they treat people is terrible, but I think Cady Heron was the prettiest when she was part of The Plastics. What does that mean?"

- Learning
"It's just a movie. Don't apply it to your life though."