My letter to Laura Secord

Dear Laura Secord,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old sugar enthusiast, who has a zest for life; as well as post holiday sales.

First of all, thank you so much for running across those fields to tell those guys about the war, like you did in that commercial. You are brave, and make delicious treats.

Secondly, I am writing to inform you of a forlorn and devastating situation that occured today with myself, as well as my manager, Sarah Butt (no relation). I have just taken a break from consoling her, but I do not know how long I have before she resumes her catastrophic downward spiral into the hopeless void of depression.

Allow me to explain.

She is unable to cease sobbing hysterically, nor will she stop smashing the heads off of any chocolate rabbits, chicks, roosters, or any other defenseless animal she can get her disappointed digits on.

Today we raced to your store at the Scarborough Town Centre location. We were salivating with glee at the thought of decadent treasures being stuffed into our delicate mouths. Alas, our dreams were dashed, and our hearts were shattered into 17 pieces, as a woman (she resembled a "Babs" or "Sheila") thrust her negative cloud of moodiness and despair onto us.

Sarah Butt was so overwhelmed with elation this morning as she tumbled out of bed, excited to see what the Easter Bunny had left behind for her. At your store. However, as we entered your chocolate haven, and were greeted by Sheila, Sarah excitedly screamed at her that you, Laura Secord, were the first thought on her mind this morning. You, your store, and your annual post Easter holiday Peter Rabbit treat sale. Babs then spat at her, with a degrading and judgemental tone, "That's sad. Really sad." My friend felt, dejected, bamboozled, and overwhelmed with humiliation.

Now Laura. I haven't even told you about the woman who unnecessarily bought every single one of your chocolate marshmallow treats , or the gentlemen who was silently judging us from behind the counter as we pranced excitedly from one display to another. We could get over that stuff. But this.. this is where we had to draw the line. We are simply not okay with what you've taught your employees an acceptable level of customer service should consist of. You were supposed to be a legend. Now, you've just conceded to sub par, inappropriate business behaviour, and you've made a mockery of everything you formerly stood for. Bravery, and chocolate.

I had to drag Sarah out of your store by the collar of her shirt, as she stood there spinning, throwing her arms in the air, and chanting, "Why is this happening to me??" I sincerely hope this matter can be corrected immediately. I will assume you will be sending us the items in your fall catalogue.. we don't enjoy anything with a fruity cream filling. I will also assume Babs will be dealt with accordingly; I would deem dressing her in a festive unitard and parading her through the mall necessary.

Thank you for your time, and the $18 worth of chocolate that Sarah ended up buying anyway in the end. It was delicious. Also, I did a project on you in elementary school. I got in trouble from my teacher when I told her I never understood why you were so strongly linked to chocolate. Could you please email Mrs. McKercher and explain the connection to her, while asserting that she was out of line in her discipline?

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Simple Plan

Dear member of French Canadian "pop punk" band Simple Plan,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old treasure troll enthusiast who enjoys listening to music being sung in a manner that is appropriate to the musicians ages, taking online surveys with the promise of a possible cash prize at the end, and oregano.

Let me set the scene for you, Simple Plan. I was at my desk at work, searching for recipes that I can use tonight that involve a crock pot that my mother bequeathed upon me for Christmas. She keeps asking me how it works and I say, "Great!" and then she asks me, "Does the dial have minutes on it? Or settings for heat? Or have you taken it out of the box yet? What color is it, Sarah Bertrand?" and then I hang up the phone. I suppose if I make her a pot roast, maybe that will alleviate some of her disappointment. I decided to try and find new music to upload onto my pink I-Pod Nano, and that is when, Simple Plan, I came across your latest song, "Save You." At least I think it's your newest song. It literally sounds exactly like anything I've ever heard you put out in the past; self indulgent "teenage" angst where you can literally *hear* the amount of eyeliner you're wearing in your voice.

I don't want to start rumours, but I heard when you released, "I'm Just A Kid", your band's ages ranged from 36-53. I have realized something groundbreaking that I need to share with you. Simple Plan is eerily reminiscient of Beverly Hills, 90210. I will explain.

You see, in Beverly Hills 90210, pre marriage consummation is a rampant theme throughout each season. This promotes the feeble and vulnerable youth not only to not respect themselves, but glorifies irresponsibility and a false sense of immunity against consequences.

Simple Plan promotes irresponsibility in their videos, more specifically, in "Perfect". You were all whining your sorrows about acceptance and possibly an increase in your allowance (I didn't quit catch the end of the video) into the unforgiving night air (again with heavy, heavy eye makeup). You all are performing your bubblegum pop power ballad on the rooftop of a house that clearly has a shaky foundation. How many lawsuits has this video resulted in, Simple Plan? Irresponsibility, immunity against obvious impending doom, as well as you all had to have acknowledged your newfound lack of dignity after you realized the dramatic, intense eye makeup you allowed your stylists to cake onto your misunderstood emo eyelids. So much make up. Honestly.

I guess it could probably go without saying (but I will say it) that Luke Perry was in his late twenties when he was playing the role of a rebellious teen on the cast of 90210. You guys keep releasing variations of a song you once wrote about being melacholy, dejected and being a teenager, oh ya and something about eyeliner. Let's keep it real, Simple Plan: you are not a teenager. I respect that you're catering to your only fan base.. the fan base of children that like to think they're hardcore for liking "rock" music, so they boast of being fans of Good Charlotte, Avril Lavigne, and Nickelback, however this needs to stop. Perhaps hook up with an adult contemporary producer, purchase some sweater vests, and contact MuchMore Music. You know that feeling when you're sitting cross legged for too long, and you try to stand up but your leg hurts so bad, like pins and needles, so you start shaking it and smacking it, and it hurts but you'll do whatever you can to make that numb feeling go away, and actually be able to "feel" again? Well that's what I experience when I accidentally catch one of your lackluster diddy on the radio. Only instead of my leg being numb, it's my heart, Simple Plan. My heart.

I hope these suggestions and critiques were not too harsh. Take them with a grain of salt, and a cotton make up pad dab of the eye region, but with the legitimacy of a girl with a chip on her shoulder, and somewhat honorable intentions.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to The Skinny Switch

Dear Rob Nevins,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old defeatist who enjoys low impact aerobics, slowly (and sometimes rapidly) eating a delicious homemade paste consisting of kernels of corn, mayonnaise, and maple syrup, and being basically inactive in my own filth.

I was vacationing in sunny Aruba last week, and was basically bed ridden for the entire duration of my stay. (I got a nasty sunburn on my right wrist.. I don't want to talk about it!) I spent the majority of my time wrapped in a towel in bed, weeping, taking advantage of the free bar service, and cursing my bad luck (the wrist burn). Then, like a punch in the face from Jesus himself, I conveniently came across your magic weight loss remedy! What luck!

It seems logical enough (losing weight by eating, without the aid of any exercise whatsoever), however after enduring years of being bombarded with commercials of "fail proof diet plans" that have inevitably ended in defeat, I have been left jaded and heartbroken. My defense mechanisms were deployed, like an angry Ninja Turtle against a member of the Foot Clan.

However, your impressive website boasts you possess 20 years experience as "America's Fat Loss Guru" and have over 40,000 clients. Bravo! Sounds like you may have something here.

My question is this: since your claim is that this plan is 100% failproof, what happens for a gal like me who has severe food allergies and nourishment restrictions? I am allergic to meat, bread crust (unless it's panini), and Fluffernutter. I cannot eat vegetables unless they are encrusted in a thick coating of melted cheese. I cannot eat fruit unless they are deep fried in an jeopardous amount of honey, specially seasoned in salt (my own recipe). I cannot consume any dairy, which also means I cannot ingest vegetables (see above). My diet basically consists of chocolate (white and dark, not milk.. the dairy), and pork chops drenched in an obscene amount of canola oil. If I eat anything other than these fine items, I will die, Mr. Nevins.

So after carefully reading your mysterious and meticulously outlined diet plan, counting my pennies, and putting my faith in your capable and attractive hands, I beg of you.. can you help me? I'm anxiously awaiting your feedback so I can feel like a woman again. A woman who doesn't have to be ashamed of the hand she was dealt in life. A woman who can finally go to a restaurant and order a slice of pumpkin pie, and not have to specify, "Hold the pumpkin, and instead of the pie, please bring me a handful of Smarties and a dish of whipped cream."

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***REPONSE: March 7, 2009***

RE: re: To Mr. Rob Nevins (#6510-126689797-3554)
Saturday, March 7, 2009 7:06 AM
From: "Skinny Switch Secret" Add sender to Contacts To: "Sarah Bertrand" Hello Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Rob Nevins' Skinny Switch Secret!

I apologize for the delay in responding to your inquiry, this is due to an overflow of emails received.

I absolutely understand your concern. You need to be extremely cautious when it comes to food allergies, but two of the great features of Rob's meal plan is you get to select from a wide range of delicious meal options and you are provided with an Exchange List to help you make appropriate substitutions.

At this time our plan does not cater to any medical conditions, dietary restrictions or health concerns. We recommend you speak with your personal physician before beginning any weight-loss or fitness plan.

Please feel free to contact us with any future questions or concerns. We will be happy to assist you!


Alissa
Account Specialist

Our Account Specialists are available 10am to 8pm EST, Monday through Friday.

My letter to Glade

Dear Glade,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old origami enthusiast who enjoys temporarily masking pesky odours, damaging expensive fabrics in my house by spraying them with artificial scents, and Middle Eastern dancing.

I have been an avid supporter of Glade products for years, but I now feel compelled to write you a letter of disdain, because you have crossed the line. My patience line.

I will explain.

I find your recent slew of Glade advertisements confusing and obnoxious. Your protagonist, a woman obsessed with Glade products, is seemingly in a constant quest to evade her closest friends and family from the truth; that she uses your products. Don't you think that's ironically unflattering? She deceivs her yoga group, claims her candles come from the exotic land of France, and last but certainly not least, she uses the air freshener to boast that she's been hard at work all day when meanwhile it just SMELLS like she has been! She's been lax in her responsibilities at home, but hey, it smells like "clean" and "baking", so someone give her the validation she so desperately craves!

Something smells in this situation Glade, and it's not your reasonably priced handiwork. This unstable, compulsive liar is insinuating that your product is inferior to more exotic or expensive products, and that if we decide to purchase your merchandise we should feel a sense of shame and try and cover it up. I'll bet she's getting paid pretty penny to do it! Hell, employ me! I'll bash you on air, if that's the angle that you've decided will be most lucrative. Furthermore, she has virtually no consequences to her actions, other than an uncomfortable humiliating roll of the eyes of her friends/ family that implies, "Oh you! This is why no one trusts you and you'll die alone! har har har!"

You have sucked society into your web of "Glies". That word is "Glade", mixed with "lies". So tell me Glade: where does this story go from here? Does the woman, we'll call her "Barbara" (she looks like one), go to counselling and get help for her insecurity issues? Do her friends stick by her? Does she discover new scents, and what story does she concoct to explain to the Avon lady when she steps into her home and inquires what that intoxicating allure is? How large does this web get, Glade?

I think you should sincerely re-think this campaign, Glade. Barbara is only hindering your success. I really think your company has something with these "candles" and "plug ins" you're peddling. I truly think that one day, your company will take off and become fairly popular. I have a knack for predicting these things. Don't worry Glade, your day will come.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***RESPONSE: March 2, 2009***

From: consumerproducts@SCJ.com
Subject: Re: Your Inquiry About an SC Johnson Air Care product #014240329A
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com
Received: Monday, March 2, 2009, 1:01 PM


Dear Sarah,

Thank you for your email. We value your comments and are sharing them with the
people responsible for our advertising.

Best regards,

Carolyn

Consumer Relationship Centre
SC Johnson
Toll free number: 1-800-558-5566
www.scjohnson.ca

Reference Number: 014240329A

***RESPONSE: March 2, 2009***

Re: Your Inquiry About an SC Johnson Air Care product #014240329A
Monday, March 2, 2009 4:02 PM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" View contact details To: consumerproducts@SCJ.com

Dear Carolyn (or is it Barbara??),


My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old husky hip hop video dancer who enjoys silly buttons, giggling, and bedazzling tiny capes for my lizard. I was just rouging my face when I heard my computer scream out, "You've got mail!" (you know, like in that movie... Titanic), and I was delighted to see that it was from you.

I trust that you will do everything in your power to see that this woman is disciplined, and acquires a better attitude and rediscovers her dignity, Barbara.

Sweet dreams,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to a Yahoo spammer

PLEASE READ CAREFULLY AND REPLY
Thursday, February 26, 2009 9:23 AM
From: "TAMA AKU"
Add sender to Contacts To: undisclosed-recipients
The Desk of Mr Tama Aku
Audit/Remittance Department of
African Development Bank (ADB)
Auagadougou Burkina Faso
phone: 00226-71 19 15 57


Dear Friend,

(CONFIDENTIAL)

I know that this email will be a big surprise to you, but i want you to calm down and read very carefully.

I have a business which will be beneficial to both of us. the amount of money involved is ($5,700:000:00 five million seven hundred thousand us dollars) which i want to transfer out of the country to your bank account, all to my financial benefit and yours too. and also to take my wife abroad for treatment of liver damage.

This money is owned by a man called JIN SUN, a business commercialist in west-african regions. he has been dead since four years ago (2005) and since then, no claim has been placed on his bank account balance.

I want to transfer this money out of the country but such fund cannot be transferred without a next of kin attached to the fund. the fund could be transferred in these way; you shall present yourself as a business associate to the deceased person[JIN SUN) as details shall be that you are the care- taker business associate to mr. jin sun and his properties.

I shall make available to you materials and information with which a successful claim shall be placed on the fund. i shall also be your guidiance and instructor throughout the duration of this transaction so as to ensure a swift and sure transfer of the fund to your bank account.

As to your benefits,you shall be entitled to 40% of this fund for your co-operation in this transaction while 5% will be set aside for expences incured during the course of this transaction.

So if you are interested, send a reply to me immediately and in your reply please include your [private phone and your fax numbers] urgency has to be implied and this business must strictly be a deal between both of us.
Waiting for your urgent response so that i can move ahead and give you the indept details concerning this transaction and also the steps to take for a smooth transfer of the fund into your bank account.

Best Regards,
Mr.TAMA AKU

***MY REPLY: FEBRUARY 28, 2009***

Dear Mr. Tama Aku,

I have heeded your advice, and "calmed down" after reading your email. It was hard though, I had to use my inhaler! Your email was so exciting!! Surprise!! To ME!!

First of all, I am very sorry to hear of your wife's liver damage. I trust that it's so horrific that not even over five million dollars in whichever country you are from can cover the cost!! For shame on your health care. Why wouldn't you complicate the operation and involve a third party!! Brilliant!

I'm a little confused as to how you came into contact of Jin Sun, the dead stranger's, money. Is it stolen? Embezzled? Did he ask you to have me, Sarah Bertrand, to be put personally in charge of his money? What an honor! Does he know that I am a 25 year old cage fighter that enjoys marbles and butterscotch? Also Mr Tama Aku, before I forget, I have some magic beans that maybe I can send your wife to help her liver? Every bit counts, right??

This sounds foolproof, safe, and like the financial endeavour of a lifetime! I will commence in sending you every bit of information I can about myself, including my social insurance number, my bank accounts, my visa number (you know, just in case), as well as my bra size and favorite color: it's pink, but I tell everyone it's blue).

Thank you so much for trusting me with this huge opportunity, and for believing in a hopeless daydreamer like me. Please forward me your bank information, your full name and address, your social insurance number, and a picture of your wife, so I can contact my new boss Mr. Jin Sun through means of a Ouija Board and ask him personally if he feels you are trustworthy. This is my operation now.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand.

My letter to Mighty Putty

Dear Mighty Putty,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old semi professional cage fighter who enjoys treasure, tiny ceramic flowers, and wildlife. More specifically, hedgehogs. Your product looks absolutely "sensational" (that is not a word I throw around lightly), and Billy Mays is certainly a handsome man. But that is neither here nor there.

Your Mighty Putty boasts of being able to support 350 pounds, and be able to handle just about any repair that needs to be made; even with automobiles!! This, Mighty Putty, is the news Phil Schmeckle and I have been waiting for.

You see, Billy Mays, about a year ago I took in an injured hedgehog I named Phil Schmeckle, who was missing a leg. He was involved in an "incident" I vowed I would never speak of (he's sensitive), so I will disclose that he's been very self conscious, and obviously inconvenienced by his missing appendage. I just don't make enough money to be able to afford such a tiny leg for him, nor do I have the means to construct one. Too bad they don't grow on trees! Actually, that would be one terrifying tree. If you see a leg tree, you should probably notify the authorities. Unless they're tiny! Then save one for me!

Where I'm going with this is that I'm going to need those two tubes plus four additional tubes of Mighty Putty for $19.99 plus $8.95 shipping and handling, in order to construct Phil Schmeckle a brand new, fully functioning leg. "Cut, activate, and repair!" I was wondering if you ship faster than the 3-4 weeks you have allotted for arrival? You can see the predicament I'm in, and Phil Schmeckle is so excited he can barely "stand" it! I've even told him maybe he'll be as fast as that cartoon version of himself, on that Sega Genesis video game! The blue one that's really fast?? Super Mario!

"Any job big or small, Mighty Putty repairs them all!!"

Phil Schmeckle and I look forward to this slogan definately and immediately coming true!! Thank you Mighty Putty. Or should I call you Jesus Putty?

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Vicks/ written as my mother

Dear Vick's,

My name is Joan Bertrand and I am a 50 some odd year old woman who enjoys breathing without hinderance, not being bamboozled, and scrambled eggs. I have a zest for life comparable to a preteen before she starts to go through puberty and gets all moody and jaded.

I trust you are having a fantastic weekend, and I will move on immediately. Right after this.

I have been battling a terrifying upper respiratory infection for some time now, and after every other option was exhausted, my doctor recommended I promptly obtain some Vick's cough drops, cherry and orange flavour. He also suggested to consume one of each color to enhance it's potency. It seemed like a logical idea, and I am not one to argue with a prescription that is being forced upon me, so I conceded.
I would have dont just about ANYTHING to cease the hacking and vomitting.

I purchased ten of each humdrum flavour, at $1.19 plus applicable taxes each. I suckled them, and even in the process I felt like I was tasting what mediocrity and injustice truly tasted like. Still Vicks, I suckled on.

I went home, tried to go about my habitual bedtime customs, consumed two Vick's cough drops; one orange, one red (symbolizing orange and cherry). I felt instant relief... for about seven seconds. Then, Vick's, I began retching and choking, choking and retching from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, like I was being strangled by a sub par product somehow.

I rolled out of bed, flailing about and clutching my throat, trying to communicate to my elderly cat Mr. Bojangles that mommy was dying, and in the process I am one hundred percent positive that my erratic behaviour brought on by Vick's agitated his heart murmur, and he had a stroke. I say, "one hundred percent positive" with a bit of hesitancy because at that point he vacated the room, but I think you will agree with me that it is a logical and appropriate assumption to make that he did so as to not upset me further. Also, so he could have his stroke in peace. I now have to make a pricey visit to the vet. I of course would never imply that I think it would be embarassing for you to *not* offer to foot the bill, however I will say that Mr. Bojangles is resilient, but not your biggest fan.

I apologize profusely, for I am getting off track.

I obviously eventually recovered from this stressful and heinous ordeal, and it was nothing short of miraculous, I can assure you.

I had to make a second trip to my doctor, and as soon as he saw my pathetic, illness stricken, unwholesome face he demanded to know what in God's name I had ingested due to the humiliating discoloration of my teeth, and my breath that he said could only be described as vile, rotten oranges and haunted cherries. He recommended that I did not speak to anyone in close contact, and haphazardly tied a filthy dish cloth across my face in case I was tempted to speak. Since I am a naturally intrusive close talker, this has proved to be extremely awkward and difficult. I had a brief stint in the emergency room where through prayer and morphine I made a speedy recovery.

Since then, I have had to buy an obscene amount of toothpaste to try and cleanse my stained teeth, and I believe you will see fit that I deserve retribution.

I seek $26.89 for all of the tablets of futility I purchased from my local drug store, and a written apology from Mr. Vick's herself.

I trust I will receive all retribution immediately, and I look forward to my presents.

Sincerely,
Joan Massie

***RESPONSE: Jan 25, 2009***

Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:30:40 +0000
From: pg_naconsumerrelations@mailnj.custhelp.com
To: jbertrand34@hotmail.com
Subject: Thank you for contacting P&G. [ ref:00D7JViV.50077odFk:ref ]

Thanks for contacting us, Joan.

I'm sorry about your experience with Vicks Cough Drops. Our products are thoroughly evaluated to be safe when used as directed, and we wouldn't expect the results you described. I'm sharing your report with our Health and Safety Division. Meanwhile, please hold on to any remaining product for two weeks in the event our Health and Safety Division needs to retrieve it.

Your satisfaction is important to us, so I'm sending a refund for two of the products you purchased. You should receive it in 2-3 weeks. We'd also like to see the remaining products so we can better understand what's happening. Please send the items to Procter & Gamble, Attn: Consumer Relations, 4711 Yonge St., Toronto, Ontario M2N 6K8. Remember to include your name, mailing address, and the following reference #: 464738. We suggest sending the product guaranteed delivery. Once we receive the products, we'll review for further compensation (including postage). For answers to medical questions, we recommend you speak with your doctor who will be able to give you the best advice.

Thanks again for getting in touch.

Terri
Vicks Team