Sunday, January 25, 2009

My letter to Vicks/ written as my mother

Dear Vick's,

My name is Joan Bertrand and I am a 50 some odd year old woman who enjoys breathing without hinderance, not being bamboozled, and scrambled eggs. I have a zest for life comparable to a preteen before she starts to go through puberty and gets all moody and jaded.

I trust you are having a fantastic weekend, and I will move on immediately. Right after this.

I have been battling a terrifying upper respiratory infection for some time now, and after every other option was exhausted, my doctor recommended I promptly obtain some Vick's cough drops, cherry and orange flavour. He also suggested to consume one of each color to enhance it's potency. It seemed like a logical idea, and I am not one to argue with a prescription that is being forced upon me, so I conceded.
I would have dont just about ANYTHING to cease the hacking and vomitting.

I purchased ten of each humdrum flavour, at $1.19 plus applicable taxes each. I suckled them, and even in the process I felt like I was tasting what mediocrity and injustice truly tasted like. Still Vicks, I suckled on.

I went home, tried to go about my habitual bedtime customs, consumed two Vick's cough drops; one orange, one red (symbolizing orange and cherry). I felt instant relief... for about seven seconds. Then, Vick's, I began retching and choking, choking and retching from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, like I was being strangled by a sub par product somehow.

I rolled out of bed, flailing about and clutching my throat, trying to communicate to my elderly cat Mr. Bojangles that mommy was dying, and in the process I am one hundred percent positive that my erratic behaviour brought on by Vick's agitated his heart murmur, and he had a stroke. I say, "one hundred percent positive" with a bit of hesitancy because at that point he vacated the room, but I think you will agree with me that it is a logical and appropriate assumption to make that he did so as to not upset me further. Also, so he could have his stroke in peace. I now have to make a pricey visit to the vet. I of course would never imply that I think it would be embarassing for you to *not* offer to foot the bill, however I will say that Mr. Bojangles is resilient, but not your biggest fan.

I apologize profusely, for I am getting off track.

I obviously eventually recovered from this stressful and heinous ordeal, and it was nothing short of miraculous, I can assure you.

I had to make a second trip to my doctor, and as soon as he saw my pathetic, illness stricken, unwholesome face he demanded to know what in God's name I had ingested due to the humiliating discoloration of my teeth, and my breath that he said could only be described as vile, rotten oranges and haunted cherries. He recommended that I did not speak to anyone in close contact, and haphazardly tied a filthy dish cloth across my face in case I was tempted to speak. Since I am a naturally intrusive close talker, this has proved to be extremely awkward and difficult. I had a brief stint in the emergency room where through prayer and morphine I made a speedy recovery.

Since then, I have had to buy an obscene amount of toothpaste to try and cleanse my stained teeth, and I believe you will see fit that I deserve retribution.

I seek $26.89 for all of the tablets of futility I purchased from my local drug store, and a written apology from Mr. Vick's herself.

I trust I will receive all retribution immediately, and I look forward to my presents.

Joan Massie

***RESPONSE: Jan 25, 2009***

Date: Sun, 25 Jan 2009 21:30:40 +0000
Subject: Thank you for contacting P&G. [ ref:00D7JViV.50077odFk:ref ]

Thanks for contacting us, Joan.

I'm sorry about your experience with Vicks Cough Drops. Our products are thoroughly evaluated to be safe when used as directed, and we wouldn't expect the results you described. I'm sharing your report with our Health and Safety Division. Meanwhile, please hold on to any remaining product for two weeks in the event our Health and Safety Division needs to retrieve it.

Your satisfaction is important to us, so I'm sending a refund for two of the products you purchased. You should receive it in 2-3 weeks. We'd also like to see the remaining products so we can better understand what's happening. Please send the items to Procter & Gamble, Attn: Consumer Relations, 4711 Yonge St., Toronto, Ontario M2N 6K8. Remember to include your name, mailing address, and the following reference #: 464738. We suggest sending the product guaranteed delivery. Once we receive the products, we'll review for further compensation (including postage). For answers to medical questions, we recommend you speak with your doctor who will be able to give you the best advice.

Thanks again for getting in touch.

Vicks Team

1 comment:

courtney said...

my favourite is how seriously they take it.

can you please write them back and ask them precisely how much sleep they lost over it (and then charge them $1.62 each, per hour of sleep lost, per member of their research and development team?)

i think it's the only way to right the wrongs done here. really.