The Halloween season is approaching, and I for one can admit that I have a hard time making a costume decision. I keep putting it off until the very last minute. I panic, and either don't dress up, or dress up as something that doesn't make sense to anyone but me. In case there are more of you out there, I have decided to give you a list of costume ideas, for the last minute Lisas, like myself.
Show up at a party with an antique that you don't care about. You will definitely lose it, damage it, spill booze on it, or depending on which area of the city you're partying at, have it stolen. This is okay, because you don't care about it. It will all be worth it when everyone looks at you with confusion, angry that you even showed up, and you proudly announce that you are The Antiques Roadshow.
Everyone loves a mystery, especially at Halloween. Won't it be a hoot when you show up to said party, and completely ignore everyone? When you leave, and someone asks you the next day what you were, you can text them, "A thief." This is only appropriate if you're willing to fully commit to your "costume", and also never speak to any of those people again.
A long time ago, just in case, I purchased a dinosaur hat "mask" from Dollarama. You never know, right? I thank my lucky stars that I did. Because for Halloween, I am wearing it and going out as Jurassic Park. Either that, or Jeff Goldblum. Get it?
Now, I don't know about you, but I own a onesie. Laugh if need be, but they're so sensible, and I have literally never worn anything as comfortable in my entire life. It's like a special hug, that never stops; even when you get the sweats and wish it would. The only downfall; late night bathroom trips. However, still worth it. Hours before I was supposed to go to a Halloween party I was invited to, I was lazing around in my giant onesie, deciding what I should be. I was sick, and a disgusting, needy, infectious mess. I thought to myself, "I wish I didn't have to change." But wait! What if I didn't change?? That's when it hit me. I could be a germ! I definitely already was one, in the contagious sense, and was already feeling anti social. What better way to acceptably be able to go out, sit in the corner sulking all night, eating a bowl of chips to myself, trying to pet the inevitable mean cat that lurks at every party?! A germ.
Wanna be a chef? Grab a spatula, and you're good to go. When someone tries to talk to you, or wants you to help out in the kitchen, you have every right to get angry. You're no one's maid. In the same sense, walk around with a pen and be a writer. It doesn't take much. Trust me.
A bedsheet over your head, as a ghost, is always hilarious.
If you're like me, and always looking for an excuse to bring your cats out, you can be a crazy cat lady. Otherwise known as all lesbians. You can wear a house coat, and stick tissues inside the wrists. Scrunchies are always fun, and every five minutes you can screech, "Who wants a treat?!" Your welcome.
Locate a wand, or mysterious looking stick, and be a magician! Just make sure you have a trick ready to perform; no one likes a non functional magician. You will literally ruin the party. Smarten up.
Everyone loves to be something that's current, and I think the kids say, "hip". There's nothing more current and important than the tragic last installment of the Twilight series. I have only seen the first one, and I was furious that I did. I was dragged there by a friend, opening day. I could barely hear the lackluster dialogue because every single time Robert Pattinson came onto the screen, all that could be audible were the collective screams of the preteens with homemade "I love Edward" t-shirts. Everyone loves being a famous person, so strap on a pensive scowl, and go out as Kristen Stewart. Really commit though; don't smile or laugh all night, and if you're there with someone, cheat on them.
Never underestimate the power of the "guy with a" costume. For example, Guy-With-A-Fanny-Pack, Guy- With-A-Mustache, or Guy-With-A-Gourd. These are all relevant costumes. I swear!
If you're still not excited about any of my suggestions, what about a talking mime? Regular mimes are terrifying, but how approachable and neat would you look, describing everything that you're doing? "I am stuck in a box. Why can't I get out of this box? Does someone have a key? Is this thing on??"
Then there's always the "cereal killer"; har har. So what you'll do is carry a box of cereal around, and claim the identity of a notorious murderer. Remembering specific details of the crime scene, or making some up and claiming that you're the only one who would know them anyway, is a fun way to add a spooky sense of discomfort to the crowd. Just be careful not to go too far; one phone call to the police will definitely "kill" that party real fast.
Who enjoys reality TV?? I do I do! Wear some tattered slacks, and a bandana around your wrist, and be a contestant on Survivor! Don't break character though; make sure you frequently rifle through the other party guests purses and murses, in search of the idol.
Last but not least, I called Grandma Ruth, and asked her, "If someone wanted to be you for Halloween, what would they have to do, eat, and wear?" The following is her exact answer. I couldn't have written it better myself:
"Well, I'm really into my jeans lately. And my pink and green plaid shirt, I've been wearing that one a lot. That's my current favorite. You'd have to wear flat shoes; running shoes. Oh! No, those shoes I wore to the wedding. You know those ones? You don't? Well, you should wear those shoes. And you'd have to flatten your hair at the back, and have it sticking up. At lunch the other day, Jim Lyons said, 'Ruth! You need to bring a comb with you, and go to the bathroom.' And I said, 'Jim! It wouldn't help. It'd just go back like that.' And he said, 'Ruth! You're enough to drive me crazy!' I love my grandchildren, and great grandchildren. So you'd have to talk about them a lot. Are you going to be me? Do you want a sweater? I can give you a few pictures of the twins. You can show people the twins. They're so cute. Do you want some pictures? Wait a minute, wait a minute... oh you're not going to be me? Well who's going to be me? Your friends are going to get sick of your crazy Grandma stories Sarah! Hm, what's that? What would Ruth Massie be excited to see if she went to a party. Ohhh, cheesies. I love cheesies. I got a small bag for you the other day, to go with your sandwich, but I ate it. I'll buy you a new one. I love cheesies, and I love popcorn but I can't eat it, because of my teeth. I bet your friends don't have a crazy Grandma like you do! Do you want a few pictures of the twins?"
Obviously I'm partial to the Grandma Bee costume, but I hope you anyone who's thus far been sitting on the fence, or completely undecided about what to be, has found more clarity. If you still haven't decided what to be, and haven't found this helpful at all, well Grandma says you can be her favorite dirty joke; a white horse, that's fallen in the mud.
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