Monday, March 11, 2013

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hernia.

The other day, I was sampling tea at a university event called, The Power of Movement, for the tea shop I work at. It was an event focused on raising awareness, as well as money, for arthritis. It was neat to be a part of it, and I got to meet a lot of wonderful people. I also learned some interesting things about health, and taking care of your body. During these few hours that I was there, I felt a lot of things. I was impressed with the dedication of people coming out on a freezing cold day, with their yoga mats. I was surprised by the wide range of people who came to participate at the event. And I was envious, and baffled, with all the hard bodied acrobats that I had to watch silently stretch for two hours.

Now, I acknowledge that I am extremely out of shape. I really have no basis to complain, because I literally do nothing to better my situation. Healthy to me means one night switching from beer to wine, or going to bed before midnight. However, I literally could not stop thinking about these men, women, and children who were so fit and physically responsible. It made me wish so badly that I cared about yoga. And since I still don't, I decided to create a slew of more doable, and I believe relatable, yoga-ish exercises. Please keep in mind that these are meant to be done in the setting of a yoga class, but there are some that you can practice in the comfort of your own home.

Washing Alley Cat: Sit down, lift your leg above your head, and have a friend call the paramedics.

Forward Facing Crab (also called The Sour, Belligerent Raisin): There are no physical or spiritual benefits involved; just pouting while everyone else are rolling out their mats.

Paper, Rock, Scissors: Begin laying on the ground, then constrict into the fetal position. Hold pose until ten, and then two yogis drag you by your legs to a pile of coats.

Charlie Horse: Breathe, allow yourself to become aware of your thoughts. Then, allow consciousness of the searing, unreasonable pain to set in. Walk it off. There is no shame in crying.

Air Guitar: Sneer your lip, point one arm towards the sky, spread your other hand's fingers, make windmill motion. Repeat, rotating arms.

Rebate: Crawl to the front of the yoga class, sobbing and inquiring inquiring why this is happening to you. Ask if it's too late to get your money back.

Oasis: Sit off to the side of the class, drinking from your water bottle, and texting. Do not apologize.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hernia: Involves bending down in a position as to tie your shoes, and acknowledging that you may need medical assistance, or at the very least, a puffer.

Rage Pie: Involves folding in half, and attempting to touch your toes. When you're unable to, the second half consists of swearing, and Mapquesting a bakery.

I hope this piece has left you feeling energized and inspired. Please feel free to send me pictures, if you decide to take on any of these moves.

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