Now, I acknowledge that I am extremely out of shape. I really have no basis to complain, because I literally do nothing to better my situation. Healthy to me means one night switching from beer to wine, or going to bed before midnight. However, I literally could not stop thinking about these men, women, and children who were so fit and physically responsible. It made me wish so badly that I cared about yoga. And since I still don't, I decided to create a slew of more doable, and I believe relatable, yoga-ish exercises. Please keep in mind that these are meant to be done in the setting of a yoga class, but there are some that you can practice in the comfort of your own home.
Washing Alley Cat: Sit down, lift your leg above your head, and have a friend call the paramedics.
Paper, Rock, Scissors: Begin laying on the ground, then constrict into the fetal position. Hold pose until ten, and then two yogis drag you by your legs to a pile of coats.
Charlie Horse: Breathe, allow yourself to become aware of your thoughts. Then, allow consciousness of the searing, unreasonable pain to set in. Walk it off. There is no shame in crying.
Air Guitar: Sneer your lip, point one arm towards the sky, spread your other hand's fingers, make windmill motion. Repeat, rotating arms.
Rebate: Crawl to the front of the yoga class, sobbing and inquiring inquiring why this is happening to you. Ask if it's too late to get your money back.
Oasis: Sit off to the side of the class, drinking from your water bottle, and texting. Do not apologize.
Rage Pie: Involves folding in half, and attempting to touch your toes. When you're unable to, the second half consists of swearing, and Mapquesting a bakery.
I hope this piece has left you feeling energized and inspired. Please feel free to send me pictures, if you decide to take on any of these moves.