Talk Show sketch.

I'm going away for a week to Prince Edward Island with my girlfriend, so I'm prematurely posting an update. This is a preview of what Sketch is about. It will be available Sunday, September 23, at the Word On The Street Festival.

***

*applause, lights turn up*

Alan Shutter:

“Hi there, and thanks for joining us for another episode of MediocriTV. I’m Alan Shutter, and today our guest is Deb Roper. Deb is a self-professed animal lover, who brought us in her pet leopard gecko for us to learn about and enjoy. Hi Deb, thanks for coming in!”

Deb Roper:

“Hi there. Welcome to ‘Monkeying Around, with Deb Roper.’ I’m Deb Roper.”

Beat

Alan Shutter:

“Okay. So, Deb, why don’t you tell us about this little guy.”

Deb Roper:

*holding gecko* “Well Alan, this is Freddie Mercury. He’s a seven year old leopard gecko, which is a lizard. He eats small insects, and never vegetables. He likes water, Queen, and being warm.”

Alan Shutter:

“Hey, sounds like a personal ad!

Beat

Alright.  He’s neat. *smiles, looking at Freddie*

Deb Roper:

“Don’t.”

Alan Shutter:

“Excuse me?”

Deb Roper:

“Do not. Look. Directly into his eyes.”

Alan Shutter:

“Oh. I’m sorry. Are they vicious? Poisonous?”

Deb Roper:

“No. Worse. They can put you in a trance.”

Alan Shutter:

“A trance.

Beat

I don’t think that’s true at all.”

Deb Roper:

“He likes calcium enriched sand, he can… ummm… survive in land, water, and fire…”

Alan Shutter:

“Alright. Okay, you know what,

*looks behind him, disgusted*

I went to college. I don’t have any debt, my BMI is above average, I can’t do this anymore. This is ridiculous. Every week…”

Black

*lights up, applause*

Alan Shutter:

“Hi there, I’m Alan Shutter and you’re watching MediocriTV.

*looks at guest*

Irene, thanks so much for joining us today. Irene is a columnist from…”

*extends hand to Irene for her to finish his sentence*

Irene Burby:

*clears throat* “Hi. Hi Alan.

*clears throat*

So, you, you’ve finally managed to ask out that unattainable hottie from, from that bar.

*clears throat*

You go, girlfriend.

*wipes forehead*

So, everything is perfect, except, the conversation! It’s… it’s dull. *clears throat, whispers*

Ohhh… Goddd…

*clears throat*

Don’t fret. Just follow these simple instructions, and your date will be back on track faster than you can say,

*clench teeth* Why is this happennninnnnnggg.

Brag. Men love confidence. Brag about how much money you make, how many people you've slept with, swimming badges, baseball trophies, don't leave anything out.

*clears throat*

By the end of your rant, he'll be swooning. Just don't waste time asking him about himself; this message conveys that you really care about him getting to know the real you.”

Alan Shutter:

*jaw hangs open, eyes narrowed at Irene*

Irene Burby:

“Sincerely,

*smoothes hair behind ears, clears throat* Irene Burby.”

Alan Shutter:

“Are you f…”

Black

*lights up, applause*

Alan Shutter:

“Hi.

*looks at chair next to him*

Okay, seriously, what is this?”

Producer:

*from the background, pleasantly*

“It’s a kite, Alan.”

Alan Shutter:

“A kite. I’m supposed to interview a kite.”

Producer:

“The weather’s getting nicer, and we’ve had quite a bit of wind the past few days.”

Alan Shutter:

*clearly irritated*

“I don’t understand what you want me to do right now.”

Producer:

“It’s picnic weather.

Beat

And, you’ve ostracized every other guest. So, you have a kite now.”

Alan Shutter:

Beat

*looks around, exhales, slumps back in chair*

Black

*lights up, applause*

Alan Shutter:

*cheery* “Hi there, this is Mediocri TV with Alan Shutter. This morning’s guest is Deb Roper, Animal Expert. Hi Deb, what have you got for us today?”

Deb Roper:

*slowly puts feet up underneath her on chair, looks around panicked* “Tuck your pants into your socks, Alan.”

*Alan slowly puts feet up and underneath him on chair too, looking around in an uncomfortable panicked manner*

Black

Thank you.

On a sensitive note, I'd like to thank everyone who has supported Inapark, who checks for updates, who tells their friends, who laughs at my ridiculousness, and anyone who gets excited to read what's going to come next. You are all important and very significant to me, and I'm so excited about upcoming projects. Thank you all. xo.
Sarah B.

Inapark loves animals. And animals love Inapark.

My letter to Flapjacks.

Dear Flapjacks,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 28 year old writer who enjoys vitamins, red wine, and comfort.

Recently, my girlfriend went to Fort Frances in Ontario on vacation, and purchased me one of your "long johns with a trap door". Or, simply a onesie. I've always wanted a onesie, because I thought there was something hysterical about an adult with a trapdoor. However, as soon as I put on your plaid suit of tapered armor, I realized what I had  been missing out on. It fit like a dream. It was snug in all the right places, and talk about slimming. I was completely invulnerable to the elements. It made me feel safe and warm, like I was  being spooned by a lumberjack.

The tag depicts a guilty looking bear holding a roll of toilet paper with his trapdoor down; Flapjack, there is no need for this clothed predator appear remorseful. Your company offers a 100% guarantee; you should offer a 100% one, because that's what I feel. It easily unbuttons, which was a huge relief for me, because I suffer from extreme sausage fingers.

Doing your laundry, grocery shopping, and going for a jog; these are all activities that are that much more liberating while being experienced with your trapdoor flapping in the wind. Every second I have wasted wearing traditional pants, I regret. I have a business I run, and write a blog called Inapark Productions. I was wondering if it was possible for you to design me my very own personalized onesie, embroidered with the Inapark Productions logo? This will be my office attire. I just know it will help me to feel professional and inspired in my apartment when I'm writing, and on casual Fridays I can let the trapdoor down and relax. I'd like the arms to resemble robot limbs, and the bum to say, "Peekaboo!", so that people know in addition to being a businesswoman, I can be sassy and playful. It would also be practical to have pockets, to house my keys, pens, and cat treats.

I am blissfully happy with your product. When I wear it, it immediately evokes the feeling of foraging in the woods for berries, and listening to ghost stories around a fire. I thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

***

Re: Contact us feedback

Thursday, August 23, 2012 11:03 AM

From:

"LazyOne Online Orders"

Add sender to Contacts

To:

sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Hi Sarah,

 

Thank you for your message!! It's great to get such positive feedback. I have forwarded your message to the company owners. Please let me know if you have any questions or issues.

 

Thank you,

Tessa Merck
Website - LazyOne, Inc.
3065 North 200 West
North Logan, UT 84341
Ph: 866-340-5278
Fax: 866-340-5299
www.lazyone.com

Dedicated Fan.

"Home Shopping Network" preview.

This is one of the many sketches you're going to find in, "Sketch", my second self published book. Try and read it with an open mind, and maybe even picture it being performed.

***

Paul:

“Good morning, from all of us at the Home Shopping Network, I'm Paul and I'm here today with Joan, who's bringing us some wonderful selections from the Fall line of her independent clothing company. Great to have you here Joan, I've heard rave reviews!"

Joan:

"Thanks so much Paul, let`s get shopping, shall we?"

Paul:

"Super. Joan has brought us in a sweater from the Sassy Singles collection. It comes in sizes extra small to double x, and we have it here for you today in Seafoam, Pumpkin, and Salmon."

Joan:

"That's right, and the sweaters, for today only, are all $19.99, plus applicable taxes. Treat yourself ladies. You deserve it."

Paul:

*dramatically*

“You go to your closet and you select out, oh I don't know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back.”

Beat

Paul:

“Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly; The Devil Wears Prada. Monologue.

*Joan looks around uncomfortably*

Joan, looks we have a caller who wants to do a testimonial!"

Joan:

"Oh, great!"

Paul:

"Caller, are you there?"

Penelope:

"Hi! Hi Joan! Paul! Oh wow, this is so exciting! My name's Penelope. Joan I bought the cardigan last year from your Winter line, in the Tangerine Whimsy. I literally never take it off! And I already have those sweaters, in the Pumpkin and Salmon!"

Joan:

"Oh Penelope, I'm so delighted. The Tangerine was very popular, I'm so glad you managed to scoop it up!"

Paul:

"Wow! Penelope, thank you so much for calling. You know, years ago, when I was working at The Elgin Theatre as an understudy for the homeless man on the Range Rover, in the hit broadway production of Rent…"

Penelope:

*interrupts*

"When I wear my cardigan to pick up my kids from school, I finally feel like they respect me."

*awkward silence, Paul and Joan look at eachother*

Joan:

"Oh, honey, that's wonderful! You know, it's important to wear powerful pieces, that make you feel your best. Congratulations!"

Penelope:

"It washes up fantastic in the machine!"

Paul:

“But, it says all your clothes are not machine washable; dry clean only.”

Penelope:

"Like a dream!"

Joan:

“Throw caution to the wind ladies! You heard Penelope! Use the machine!”

Penelope:

“How many garments are left?! Is there a Show Stopper deal if I couple it with that fern and wall sconce in the background??”

Paul:

“Penelope, thank you so much for calling. Take care now. So Joan, this sweater actually has an Extreme Energy hologram sewn into it. I've never heard of that before. Do you find there are benefits...”

Penelope:

*interrupts*

“I don’t sleep! I’ll never sleep again! I have actually levitated!”

Paul:

*jaw drops, silence for a second, looks around*

"Penelope?? You're still there??"

Penelope:

"Hi Paul! I'm still here."

Joan:

“I know what you mean, Penny. This sweater makes me know the lyrics to songs I’ve never even heard before!”

Penelope:

"I won't wear anything that's not from Joan anymore. I have literally set all other clothes on fire."

Paul:

“Can I get you anything? A glass of water, or a Prozac...?"

Joan:

“I’m good, Paul.”

Paul:

“Well, it looks sales have been through the roof! We're sold out of the Pumpkin, but we still have the Salmon, and are dangerously low on Seafoam. Christmas is coming up, for all the men who are watching. If you really want to WOW your lady, stock up while you can.

Joan:

"I've been listening, and reading those emails. I'm super jazzed to bring to you now, our brand new line of canvas sneakers! They come exclusively in Seafoam, Salmon, and Peanut Brittle.”

Paul:

"MMMmmokay. So ladies, and the odd fabulous fella, these sneakers are not only attractive, they're also affordable. They're $29.99, and available in Easy Pay installments."

Joan:

"There are a lot of benefits to these shoes.”

Paul:

“That’s right, Joan. Aside from being aesthetically pleasing, they also are designed to provide therapeutic relief.

Lord what you're doing to me

I have spent all my years in believing you

(ooh, ooh believing you)

But I just can't get no relief, Lord!

(I just can't get no relief, Lord!)... Queen.”

*Penelope comes walking out from stage left*

Penelope:

“… These shoes make me feel like I'm dancing on a unicorn!"

Paul:

“Penelope?!”

Penelope:

“Hi Paul! Hi Joan!” *beams*

Joan:

“What’s happening…?”

Paul:

“Terrific. And now a quick break, and we’ll be back with leggings. They’re coming up in Pineapple, Avocado, and Sand.

*puts hand on ear*

“Yes? What’s going on?

Beat

Alright. I suppose I understand.”

*looks at Joan accusingly*

“The Station Manager just informed me, if I don’t get more animated, he’s offering YOU my job.”

Joan:

“Well, that’s absurd…”

Paul:

*shaky, panicked voice, closes eyes*

 “Alright Paul. This is what you were meant to do. This is success meeting preparation…

*opens eyes*

3, 2, 1… So, leggings. They come in sizes ranging from extra small, to double x… and before I wore these leggings, I had diabetes.”

Joan:

“Wow. That is a gross exaggeration. How, can you, LIVE with yourself.”

Penelope:

“SHAME!”

Studio Dude:

“Cut the cameras! Paul, HR’s on the phone.”

"Fifty Shades of Gay" was a hit!

Thank you so much to everyone who came out to support me yesterday, for my grad show at The Second City. Fifty Shades of Gay exceeded my expectations, and made for an awesome afternoon. Although I'm sad that my classes at The Second City are over, I'm so excited for future ventures and projects. Sunday, September 23rd, Inapark Productions will have a booth at The Word On the Street Festival in downtown Toronto. This will be the first time that my second book, Sketch, will be available. It's based on my year at The Second City. It's full of all the sketches I've done, a few letters, some extras, and little stories and intros to my work. Also, September 27th, from 7:30pm- 9:30pm, will be the official book launch of Sketch, at the Glad Day Bookshop. This will be a fun, really neat night full of sketch comedy, special guests, music and drinks. Please mark your calendars; all of your support is so important to me.

"Jane", and "Cassandra", from my sketch "Jane", that was performed in "Fifty Shades of Gay".

Ermahgerd!

"Fifty Shades of Gay."

Please come out to my grad show at The Second City Toronto, this Sunday at 3pm. It's a year's worth of work, and a sneak peak into my second book, "Sketch", which will be available at the end of September. I'm super proud of this show, all the writers are hilarious, and the actors are tremendously talented. Come out, have some drinks, food, and enjoy an afternoon of really funny sketch comedy.

My letter to Vince Offer; The Schticky.

Dear Vince Offer,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 28 year old optimist who enjoys caesars, infomercials, and neat penmanship. 

I have followed you through the ShamWow, the Slap Chop, and now to the Schticky. I am a huge fan of yours. Even though the Slap Chop was the most useless kitchen contraption I had ever went against my better judgement and purchased, I still support you and enjoy watching your antics on television. By the way, the Slap Chop actually makes preparing meals significantly more difficult, when you have to scrape bits of food that have collected from inside the blades. You should market it as a diet aid, because it acts as a magician and literally hides the food from you. The food vanishes.

It is a terrible invention.

They now sell them at Dollarama exclusively. And the shelf was full, Vince. I digress though, because I have moved past it.

Four days ago, for $15.24, I purchased the Schticky; a two piece reusable lint roller set. The commercial was just so ridiculous, I had to have it. It boasts, "Clean in a quicky with schticky!", on the package. That is a very ambitious claim, Vince. Although it does rhyme, I would like to point out all the ways in which this is a blatant, vicious lie.

The things you choose to "schticky" are irrational. Cat hair, okay. But cereal and money?? What happened to a dust pan, or your hands? What are you teaching your child if it spills cereal on the floor, and instead of making it tidy it's own mess, you say, That's okay Junior! I'll just roll adhesive over it! There are no consequences to creating a rat's nest where you dwell.

Even the cover of the Schticky box pictures lint rolling what looks like coffee grounds. Do you think we're all fools, Vince? Everyone knows that this task would be much easier to perform with a cloth.

Although shock value is rarely funny, I will not deny that your tacky commercial is hilarious. But, for something that claims to have a ten year limited warranty, I feel cheated and chagrined. I despise feeling chagrin. I used it within reason, to test it's fortitude, and in four days your shoddy invention sprung loose from it's hinges every single time I used it. The icing on the proverbial cake was that the roller  has started peeling at the corners. This is unacceptable, from such a reputable Entrepreneur such as yourself.

I don't think it's unreasonable to request my $15.24 back, and a written apology from you personally, Mr. Offer. 

I thank you for your time, and look forward to your prompt response.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

***

re: The Schticky [983585:3381279]

Wednesday, August 15, 2012 12:32 PM

From:

"Schticky"

Add sender to Contacts

To:

"Sarah Bertrand"

Dear Sarah Bertrand,

We apologize that you feel cheated and chagrined. If you are unhappy with the product and wish to get a refund or a replacement take it back to the original place of purchase. Your concern has been forwarded to Corporate for review. Should Corporate decide to get in contact with you they will do so. Have a wonderful day.


Schticky
www.schticky.com
(877) 378-8211
6am-5pm P.S.T Mon-Fri

Diary of A Bertrand Cat.

If my cats had a diary, by the look of things when I got home today, this is what I believe it would have said:

"Today I napped on the book shelf. And then I pooped on the book shelf. And then I napped on the bath mat."

- Binx

"I hate it when Mom leaves. I opened up all of the cupboards, and pulled out the Pledge, to show her that she can't do that to me. Then I yelled at the rats. Someone dropped papers through the door. It took me a long time to come down from that one. I gotta go find Binx; I hate it when he's not as mad as I am about things."

-Ned

(My cats obviously have impeccable grammar and spelling.)

List of Talents I Wish I Had.

List of Talents I Wish I Had:

- juggling

- levitating

- splits

- contortionist

- insomnia (so I could be more productive)

- figure skater

- be a decent interpretive dancer

- photographic memory

- putting on makeup

- being a comedy writer

- pulling off neon colors

- being able to wear feminine clothes without people questioning my gender

- invisibility, or shrinking down during uncomfortable moments (these are all talents! Think about it)

- Good Will Hunting

Sunday, August 19th at 3pm, "50 Shades of Gay" performed at The Second City mainstage! Please please come out and support. It's the grad show myself and my classmates have been  working towards for a year. "Jane", one of my favorite scenes from "Sketch" coming out in September, is being performed. I'm extremely proud of everything about this show, and would love the support. It's pay what you can at the door, and you can order food and drinks, and I'd be beyond grateful if you can come out.
Thanks guys.
Sincerely,
Sarah B