This is one of the many sketches you're going to find in, "Sketch", my second self published book. Try and read it with an open mind, and maybe even picture it being performed.
***
Paul:
“Good morning, from all of us at the Home Shopping
Network, I'm Paul and I'm here today with Joan, who's bringing us some
wonderful selections from the Fall line of her independent clothing company.
Great to have you here Joan, I've heard rave reviews!"
Joan:
"Thanks so much Paul, let`s get shopping,
shall we?"
Paul:
"Super. Joan has brought us in a sweater from
the Sassy Singles collection. It comes in sizes extra small to double x, and we
have it here for you today in Seafoam, Pumpkin, and Salmon."
Joan:
"That's right, and the sweaters, for today
only, are all $19.99, plus applicable taxes. Treat yourself ladies. You deserve
it."
Paul:
*dramatically*
“You go to your closet and you select out, oh I
don't know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you're trying to
tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put
on your back.”
Beat
Paul:
“Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly; The Devil Wears
Prada. Monologue.
*Joan
looks around uncomfortably*
Joan, looks we have a caller who wants to do a
testimonial!"
Joan:
"Oh, great!"
Paul:
"Caller, are you there?"
Penelope:
"Hi! Hi Joan! Paul! Oh wow, this is so
exciting! My name's Penelope. Joan I bought the cardigan last year from your
Winter line, in the Tangerine Whimsy. I literally never take it off! And I
already have those sweaters, in the Pumpkin and Salmon!"
Joan:
"Oh Penelope, I'm so delighted. The Tangerine
was very popular, I'm so glad you managed to scoop it up!"
Paul:
"Wow! Penelope, thank you so much for calling.
You know, years ago, when I was working at The Elgin Theatre as an understudy
for the homeless man on the Range Rover, in the hit broadway production of
Rent…"
Penelope:
*interrupts*
"When I wear my cardigan to pick up my kids
from school, I finally feel like they respect me."
*awkward
silence, Paul and Joan look at eachother*
Joan:
"Oh, honey, that's wonderful! You know, it's
important to wear powerful pieces, that make you feel your best.
Congratulations!"
Penelope:
"It washes up fantastic in the machine!"
Paul:
“But, it says all your clothes are not machine
washable; dry clean only.”
Penelope:
"Like a dream!"
Joan:
“Throw caution to the wind ladies! You heard
Penelope! Use the machine!”
Penelope:
“How many garments are left?! Is there a Show
Stopper deal if I couple it with that fern and wall sconce in the background??”
Paul:
“Penelope, thank you so much for calling. Take
care now. So Joan, this sweater actually has an Extreme Energy hologram sewn
into it. I've never heard of that before. Do you find there are benefits...”
Penelope:
*interrupts*
“I don’t sleep! I’ll never sleep again! I have actually
levitated!”
Paul:
*jaw
drops, silence for a second, looks around*
"Penelope?? You're still there??"
Penelope:
"Hi Paul! I'm still here."
Joan:
“I know what you mean, Penny. This sweater makes
me know the lyrics to songs I’ve never even heard before!”
Penelope:
"I won't wear anything that's not from Joan
anymore. I have literally set all other clothes on fire."
Paul:
“Can
I get you anything? A glass of water, or a Prozac...?"
Joan:
“I’m good, Paul.”
Paul:
“Well, it looks sales have been through the roof!
We're sold out of the Pumpkin, but we still have the Salmon, and are
dangerously low on Seafoam. Christmas is coming up, for all the men who are
watching. If you really want to WOW your lady, stock up while you can.
Joan:
"I've been listening, and reading those
emails. I'm super jazzed to bring to you now, our brand new line of canvas
sneakers! They come exclusively in Seafoam, Salmon, and Peanut Brittle.”
Paul:
"MMMmmokay. So ladies, and the odd fabulous
fella, these sneakers are not only attractive, they're also affordable. They're
$29.99, and available in Easy Pay installments."
Joan:
"There are a lot of benefits to these shoes.”
Paul:
“That’s right, Joan. Aside from being
aesthetically pleasing, they also are designed to provide therapeutic relief.
Lord
what you're doing to me
I
have spent all my years in believing you
(ooh,
ooh believing you)
But
I just can't get no relief, Lord!
(I
just can't get no relief, Lord!)... Queen.”
*Penelope
comes walking out from stage left*
Penelope:
“… These shoes make me feel like I'm dancing on a
unicorn!"
Paul:
“Penelope?!”
Penelope:
“Hi Paul! Hi Joan!” *beams*
Joan:
“What’s happening…?”
Paul:
“Terrific. And now a quick break, and we’ll be
back with leggings. They’re coming up in Pineapple, Avocado, and Sand.
*puts
hand on ear*
“Yes? What’s going on?
Beat
Alright. I suppose I understand.”
*looks
at Joan accusingly*
“The Station Manager just informed me, if I don’t
get more animated, he’s offering YOU my job.”
Joan:
“Well, that’s absurd…”
Paul:
*shaky,
panicked voice, closes eyes*
“Alright
Paul. This is what you were meant to do. This is success meeting preparation…
*opens
eyes*
3, 2, 1… So, leggings. They come in sizes ranging
from extra small, to double x… and before I wore these leggings, I had
diabetes.”
Joan:
“Wow. That is a gross exaggeration. How, can you,
LIVE with yourself.”
Penelope:
“SHAME!”
Studio
Dude:
“Cut the cameras! Paul, HR’s on the phone.”
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