Sunday, August 26, 2012

Talk Show sketch.


I'm going away for a week to Prince Edward Island with my girlfriend, so I'm prematurely posting an update. This is a preview of what Sketch is about. It will be available Sunday, September 23, at the Word On The Street Festival.
***

*applause, lights turn up*
Alan Shutter:
“Hi there, and thanks for joining us for another episode of MediocriTV. I’m Alan Shutter, and today our guest is Deb Roper. Deb is a self-professed animal lover, who brought us in her pet leopard gecko for us to learn about and enjoy. Hi Deb, thanks for coming in!”
Deb Roper:
“Hi there. Welcome to ‘Monkeying Around, with Deb Roper.’ I’m Deb Roper.”
Beat
Alan Shutter:
“Okay. So, Deb, why don’t you tell us about this little guy.”
Deb Roper:
*holding gecko* “Well Alan, this is Freddie Mercury. He’s a seven year old leopard gecko, which is a lizard. He eats small insects, and never vegetables. He likes water, Queen, and being warm.”
Alan Shutter:
“Hey, sounds like a personal ad!
Beat
Alright.  He’s neat. *smiles, looking at Freddie*
Deb Roper:
“Don’t.”
Alan Shutter:
“Excuse me?”
Deb Roper:
“Do not. Look. Directly into his eyes.”
Alan Shutter:
“Oh. I’m sorry. Are they vicious? Poisonous?”
Deb Roper:
“No. Worse. They can put you in a trance.”
Alan Shutter:
“A trance.
Beat
I don’t think that’s true at all.”
Deb Roper:
“He likes calcium enriched sand, he can… ummm… survive in land, water, and fire…”
Alan Shutter:
“Alright. Okay, you know what,
*looks behind him, disgusted*
I went to college. I don’t have any debt, my BMI is above average, I can’t do this anymore. This is ridiculous. Every week…”
Black
*lights up, applause*
Alan Shutter:
“Hi there, I’m Alan Shutter and you’re watching MediocriTV.
*looks at guest*
Irene, thanks so much for joining us today. Irene is a columnist from…”
*extends hand to Irene for her to finish his sentence*
Irene Burby:
*clears throat* “Hi. Hi Alan.
*clears throat*
So, you, you’ve finally managed to ask out that unattainable hottie from, from that bar.
*clears throat*
You go, girlfriend.
*wipes forehead*
So, everything is perfect, except, the conversation! It’s… it’s dull. *clears throat, whispers*
Ohhh… Goddd…
*clears throat*
Don’t fret. Just follow these simple instructions, and your date will be back on track faster than you can say,
*clench teeth* Why is this happennninnnnnggg.
Brag. Men love confidence. Brag about how much money you make, how many people you've slept with, swimming badges, baseball trophies, don't leave anything out.
*clears throat*
By the end of your rant, he'll be swooning. Just don't waste time asking him about himself; this message conveys that you really care about him getting to know the real you.”
Alan Shutter:
*jaw hangs open, eyes narrowed at Irene*
Irene Burby:
“Sincerely,
*smoothes hair behind ears, clears throat* Irene Burby.”
Alan Shutter:
“Are you f…”
Black

*lights up, applause*
Alan Shutter:
“Hi.
*looks at chair next to him*
Okay, seriously, what is this?”
Producer:
*from the background, pleasantly*
“It’s a kite, Alan.”
Alan Shutter:
“A kite. I’m supposed to interview a kite.”
Producer:
“The weather’s getting nicer, and we’ve had quite a bit of wind the past few days.”
Alan Shutter:
*clearly irritated*
“I don’t understand what you want me to do right now.”
Producer:
“It’s picnic weather.
Beat
And, you’ve ostracized every other guest. So, you have a kite now.”
Alan Shutter:
Beat
*looks around, exhales, slumps back in chair*
Black
*lights up, applause*
Alan Shutter:
*cheery* “Hi there, this is Mediocri TV with Alan Shutter. This morning’s guest is Deb Roper, Animal Expert. Hi Deb, what have you got for us today?”
Deb Roper:
*slowly puts feet up underneath her on chair, looks around panicked* “Tuck your pants into your socks, Alan.”
*Alan slowly puts feet up and underneath him on chair too, looking around in an uncomfortable panicked manner*
Black


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