My letter to Proctor and Gamble, makers of Pampers

Dear Proctor and Gamble-,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I have a query regarding the logic behind choosing your babies, or should I say, preteens, you use in your Pampers commercials. Believe it or not, when I was younger, I too wore diapers. So every time I see your commercials, I feel a deep connection with your product. The children you use in your commercials are at least 13, and realistically probably haven't, or should not have, been wearing diapers for years. They look old enough to secure a job, get married, and possibly have children of their own. They look old enough to have a mortgage, and have already set up their RRSPs. They look old enough to have a car, frequent bars, and old enough to develop a gambling addiction or drinking problem. I was wondering why you would purposefully choose to have them look so dibilitatingly aged? Is it because more realistic actors are too young, and thus unpredictable? Then why not use bigger budget actors, to make it less awkward and not seem like you're trying to deceive your audience, but still make your point in a valid and more respectable manner. Why not Danny DeVito, Emmanuel Lewis from TV's sensation, "Webster", or even Charlie Sheen? They're all somewhat the height of a toddler? I thank you for your time, and look forward to your immediate response.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Canon Canada

Dear Canon Canada,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a young woman who enjoys photos, cameras, toast without Nutella on it, taking risks, and aggressive punk rock music. I am writing you this letter to commend you on your latest choice for the new fresh face of Canon: Avril Lavigne. You, at Canon Canada, should hold your heads high for making the perfect selection of celebrity to showcase your Rebel line of digital SLR cameras, and an ELPH line of compact point and shoot cameras. Why, when I think of Ms. Lavigne, there's one streaming thought that runs rampant through my mind like a vicious celeb obsessed cycle of envy and shame; it's what a hardcore rebel Avril Lavigne truly is. She personifies everything that is cool and trendy with society today. She came out with that unbelievably catchy song.. something about being complicated for stealing your boyfriend and then being angry and sad and misunderstood. I think it was called, Every Single She's Ever Released.

When she parades around in in a pink bedazzled ensemble, taking pictures and throwing her proverbial middle finger up high in the air to anyone who's going to judge her because she's such a unique bad ass, all I can think about is how much I would purchase ANYTHING so I can have that, if only for a flittering moment. THEN I find out there's a new Canon microsite, shootlikeastar.ca, where fans can upload their photos and personalize them with images and such accessories as tiaras or feather boas from the commercials; be still my heart! Avril, you have come so far from your days as a tie toting alternative individual, to a fairy princess commercialized uncompromising pink panther that exemplifies what a Rebel truly is. Thank you Canon; I have taken out a bank loan to purchase as many cameras as I can carry in my Avril Lavigne inspired black and white checkered studded backpack. If I can make a suggestion for any future lines of camera that is to come, that maybe needs a Rebel type celeb endorser, I would say either the Jonas Brothers, or Miley Cyrus. Oh, and for any revolutionary up and coming product that needs a hip, nifty celebrity to really catch people's attention? Either Nicholas Cage or Bea Arthur, Dorothy Zbornak from the hit tv show, "The Golden Girls". Best of luck; can't wait to start taking pictures and sell my soul!

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Value Village

Dear Value Village,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am an avid shopper at your esteemed establishment. However, as a busy mother of three with no time to spare, I have a couple of suggestions as to how I think you could better and add more "value" (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) and ease to the Value Village experience. First of all, I think all of your merchandise needs to be organized according to it's obvious category. When I go shopping, I have three things in mind. First thing, how can I get more things, for less money? I think the solution is obvious. Stealing. Just kidding. Create a bargain bin of free things, so everyone can rummage through with the masses, like territorial rabid raccoons and confiscate what they will. This allows for the public to feel like they really came away with something special that day; free items that they can really be excited about, as well as a street fighting mentality they can carry with them throughout their day, and use to their advantage if any trials or tribulations arise. Secondly, categorize all of your merchandise in a way that will appeal to the thrifty public, such as myself, and my husband Kevin Tramov. When we go "value villaging", as we call it, we have a specific agenda in mind: we need "art", religious artifax, toys from our childhood, and treasures. I strongly believe you should organize the store in this very specific way: Treasure, Religious Hilarity, Haunted Memorabilia (such as creepy paintings, or weird things that have no use or real value and you know they come from a broken home where something horrible happened, and they carry a curse.. gimme gimme!!), Nostalgia, Questionable Clothing, Bonnets and Other Unsanitary Head Apparatuses, Definately Broken Electronics, Soiled Items, and last but not least, Useless Crap: Don't Bother. Lastly, sometimes I can spend a whole day in your wonderful store, and I get famished. Why not keep with the trend of the store, and have a secondhand food station? How many times do you get a doggy bag at a restaurant that you know you're not going to eat, and you end up wasting it? Cook a decadent dinner that no one appreciates and you have left overs?? Why not drop it off to the local Value Village! Charge a dollar fifty for delicious reminents of a four course meal! I hope you have found these suggestions not only helpful, but necessary. I look forward to visiting your store again sometime soon, and see these new changes immediately in place.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to Wrigley's

Dear Wrigley's,

Your product has left me feeling helpless and confused, and I now have a terrible taste in my mouth; even worse than the taste of expired coconut yogurt and mediocrity that was previously plaguing my tastebuds.
I was working away at my desk this afternoon, and after drinking eleven cups of decadent German Chocolate Cake flavoured coffee, I realized that my mouth could use a fresh burst of berry bliss, and fast. So I sauntered down to the local convenience store, sought out a name I trusted, and purchased Wrigley's, Five "Elixir: Mouthwatering Berry" gum, and rabidly shoved four pieces into my mouth as quickly as possible. As I chomped on what I can only describe as what I believe Heaven would taste like, a harsh dose of reality snapped me out of my berry trance.
Wrigley's, riddle me this: Is your gum brand labelled as "Five", because the flavour literally lasts five seconds in your mouth? Like there's an inevitable tiny timer strapped to the underside of each individual piece of glucosified deliciousness, and the second you actually get into the flavour, it's immediately kidnapped from you like tragic episode of "Without A Trace"? Only there is no happy ending, Wrigley's. No one finds the flavour at the end; it's lost. Like the punchline of every joke Bob Saget ever made as Danny Tanner on the hit tv show, "Full House".
I demand retribution. I'd like a pack of your finest gum, one with a minty flavour that will not let me down. I'd also like back my five dollars please. I know that the pack of gum did not cost five dollars, but I'm so upset I can't even remember how much I paid for it. So five dollars will do.
I thank you so much for your time, and look forward to an immediate response. You can forward all retribution to:

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: November 24/2oo8***

In Response to your Website Comments - Ref # 000452855A
Monday, November 24, 2008 9:00 AM
From: "PR@wrigley.com" Add sender to Contacts
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for letting us know how you feel about 5® Elixir gum. We're happy to hear from you and truly value your feedback. Input from customers like you helps us to constantly make improvements and ensure that we are always providing you with top-quality products.We introduced 5® Elixir gum to provide our customers with a fresh, new flavor for the brand they love. We're very sorry that you didn't like this flavor, but we greatly appreciate you taking the time to try it and sharing your thoughts with us. We'll be sharing your feedback with our researchers, who are constantly working on new flavors to add to our product lineup. We hope you'll keep an eye out for our new products, try them when they come out and let us know what you think. Thank you again for reaching out to us and we hope you'll continue to enjoy Wrigley products in the future.

Sincerely,

Tom BradyConsumer Affairs Representative

My letter to Burt's Bees

Dear Burt's Bees,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I'm writing this letter to inform you, as well as your bee minions, that you have pollenated my life with inconvenience. This is a sticky situation, that I hope you can rectify. Everyone is aware that bees are known for their trickery and mystique, but I also believed that they were known for their stellar work ethic and positive attitudes. I was devastated to find out that I was wrong.
On Tuesday November 11, 2008, I sauntered over to the local Shopper's Drug Mart. After comparing each individual tube and pot of chapstick and lip balm, I decided to purchase Burt's Bees beeswax lip balm. I decided on the pot of lip balm, because I felt as though I could control a more even balm distribution; also, the bumble bee adorning the front of the pot made me feel proud and safe.
I was delighted with my new find, and felt that the 45 minutes I had spent in the lip care aisle was well worth it. I knew in my heart that this brand would best suit my chapped lip needs; plus I had heard positive reviews in the past, so I was extremely content with my find.
As I hastily sped home, shoving anyone in my path off of the sidewalk like a manic hurricane, I balled up my receipt and threw it away into oncoming traffic, making peace with the reality that it wouldn't be needed; I would experience 100% customer satisfaction.
Now Burt, when I got home, used my Burt's Bees beeswax lip balm, and it felt phenomenal. My lips tingled with excitement, and I can honestly say I had never in my life felt as good as I did as when I smeared that lip balm all over my lips in an overzealous trance. It worked great once, even twice. But after that, as I attempted with my delicate yet capable fingers to pry open the cap, I found that my efforts were futile. It is literally impossible to remove the lid from the container. I have been trying for four days to do so, and I recognize that I have to admit defeat. Burt, my lips are cracked with animosity and they demand vengeance. Or retribution. All I ask is for a replacement pot of Burt's Bees beeswax lip balm or chapstick, and possibly one or two of your magic bees to do my bidding. I thank you for your consideration, and look forward to a response.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
***REPLY: November 19/2008***

RE: Product inquiry for Beeswax Lip Balm
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 11:02 AM
From: "information"
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Hello Sarah,

Thank you for taking the time to email us the experience you had with the Lip Balm Tin. Your comments and concerns are always appreciated and extremely important to us.
At Burt’s Bees, product quality is our highest priority. We will share the product information you have provided and your particular concerns with our Quality Assurance team who will investigate this issue further. Please send us your address by reply email and we will also send a brand new product. You do not need to send your product back to us, however if you would send us the 6-7 digit lot code number that is stamped in ink on the bottom or side of your product that information is very useful to us. Please include that information with your address info in your reply email if you can obtain it. Again, we apologize for this experience and for any inconvenience this has caused.
Burt’s Bees remains committed to being ‘seriously natural’ and to you, our consumer. We will continue to provide you with safe and effective earth-friendly natural personal care products. Again, thank you for taking the time to share your experience with us. Your feedback is valuable in our efforts to continually improve the quality of our products.

Best Regards,
Melanie
Consumer CareBurt's Bees Inc.1-800-849-7112 option 4
Mon-Fri 10AM-4:30PM EST
***MY RESPONSE November 19/2008***

RE: Product inquiry for Beeswax Lip Balm
Friday, November 21, 2008 10:17 AM
From: "Sarah Bertrand" sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com
To: "information"

Thank you so much! I eagerly look forward to receiving your fabulous product in the mail! Bee minions? Not this time? Who will do my bidding?
-Sarah Bertrand

lot code number 210801

My letter of suggestion to Kraft Canada

Dear Kraft Canada Inc,

First off, thank you for macaroni, and those individual cheese slices. They make the best grilled cheeses.

Last night, when I came stumbling home in a drunken rage, all I wanted was food that would erode my belly, but leave me feeling fulfilled. Unfortunately, I had drank my money away, and was left with an empty pocket, an empty tummy, and an empty heart. As I scratched at the front door like an unspayed cat for my roommate to let me in because I had inevitably lost my keys, I was craving something greasy and unhealthy, but something that was low on calories and wouldn't leave me feeling like a beached whale the next morning. Once let in, I tore open the cupboard door, and sloppily pawed at the only thing I could find; Kraft's Oreo "Thinsations". Now, they were delicious, but not what I was craving.

As I was munching away at my sixth bag of the 100 calories treats, I thought, "Wouldn't it be great if Kraft revolutionized the world of treats and catered to her irresponsible alcoholic demographic? Wouldn't it be amazing if Kraft could raise the calories involved in the snacky equation to maybe 200, made the packages heat resistant and stuffed them with ramen noodles, pizza slices, nachos and cheese, battered chicken wings, fries, or a hamburger punched in the face with McDonald's spices?" I actually said all this outloud, to my cat. Don't judge me; I said I was drunk.In a world today where everyone is attempting to be more health conscious, and trying to lose weight with magic pills or bouts of depression, I implore you Kraft; why not rise to the occasion, and create a delicious treat that allows us who have guffawed in the face of sobriety to just pass out in the hallway with a happy tummy and a smile plastered on our drool soaked faces? I know you're all probably excited to get this new endeavour started, so I'll end this letter with a little hospitality, and a tip of my hat. I don't expect any retribution for planting the seed of your future best seller; all I demand is for the "Drunksations" to be displayed in a fancy and whimsical package, with my face proudly displayed on the front. I'll take some pictures tonight and send them to you so you can choose which ones you feel will be most appropriate.

I thank you for your time, and look forward to hearing from you immediately. I'll expect the first prototype in the mail within the week.

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: November 16/2008***

RE: Your Comment/Question Case ID: 18350424

Sunday, November 16, 2008 3:41 PM
From: "openinnovation@casupport.com"
To: "sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com" sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Thank you for visiting http://www.innovatewithkraft.com/.
Thanks so much for taking the time to contact us with your suggestion. We're always delighted when people care enough about our products and packaging to offer their own creative ideas.As you might know, we have a new "unsolicited ideas" policy that allows Kraft to consider some types of ideas (mainly for new products and packaging innovations) submitted by consumers. However, our policy does not cover unsolicited ideas regarding: product line extensions, packaging changes, advertising, promotions and recipes ideas.So, those types of ideas are not sent along to our new "Innovations Team," who is responsible for analyzing unsolicited ideas under our new policy.But, we do want you to know that comments shared by our consumers can be very helpful to Kraft. Various Kraft teams do review comments such as yours, which help us identify consumer trends, preferences and needs.Again, we appreciate you contacting us and applaud both your creativity and loyalty.
If you haven’t done so already, please add our site to your favourites and visit us again soon!

Kim McMillerAssociate Director, Consumer Relations

My letter to Hasbro, the makers of the board game, "Sorry"

November 22, 2008
My letter to Hasbro, the makers of the board game, "Sorry"


Dear Hasbro,

My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am 25. I am writing a letter of apology, for the board game that your company has spawned.
I'm "sorry" I ever purchased your desperate and unsuccessful grasp at proving you're still a legitimate source of quality entertainment for the gaming community; the board game, "Sorry".

Your commercial was a perfect example of everything that is wrong with this world today. It depicts a brat unabashedly demoralizing her family in her quest for victory. Even though I was apalled when I witnessed, this, I never thought I would have to worry about this venomous inexcusable behaviour from my daughter. So, somewhat hesitantly, I conceded against my better judgement. Allow me to set the scene for you, Hasbro. It's Friday night. I'm a single mother, home alone with my seven year old daughter Apple. I bring home a new game that I purchased at the local Wal Mart to surprise my daughter, and explain the regulations, and we commence playing. She informs me she's already seen a commercial for said board game, and knows how it works. I'm caught offguard, but not concerned because I know I raised my daughter right.

Long story short, my daughter began beating me at the game, knocked my gaming piece off my square and back a significant amount, looked at me with a smug grin, and sarcastically spat at me, "Sorry!" while rolling her eyes.

I was shocked. Mortified even. I threw the board off of the table, started spinning around and sobbing, and grounded my daughter until her birthday. In 2032. Now Hasbro, since up until that point I had only had a few drinks that night, I know I did not overreact. I believe that "Sorry" is singlehandedly responsible for teaching kids disrespect, belittling their elders, the recent collapse of the economy, and ruining the genuine and sincere foundation Canadian families have fought so hard to create in this day and age.

It made me question what kind of a mother I had been thus far if Apple could bring herself to speak to me in such a way, and moreso than anything else, it made me really want to give her something to be really "sorry" about. She hates to lose.. almost as much as I hate when my glass is empty, if you catch my drift. And in the end, when I broke that board game over my knee screamed at her that Santa wasn't real, everyone lost in my household, Mr. Hasbro. Everyone.
Hasbro, I'm sorry I ever purchased the game, sorry I ever ruined family time with this unimaginative tool of the devil, and I demand retribution.

I have enrolled myself in 12 weeks of parenting classes, at $300 per class, to see where it was that I went wrong. I believe it's necessary, and I am sure you'll find no issue with covering the cost. I also would appreciate a letter of apology to Apple and I, $29.95 plus applicable taxes for the cost of the game that I had to burn in a cleansing ritual in my backyard. In addition, a recommendation for a new, more genuine and less hurtful game. Something that preferably includes dinosaurs, and or bright colors and a thimble.

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from your representatives soon. "Sorry" if this was ill received; it was not my intention to ruffle feathers. I'm just a lonely, competitive, simple woman who has a fear of losing; games, money, or the respect of her family.

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand


***REPLY: November 17/2008***

Consumer complaint to Hasbro, Inc. re: Sorry
Monday, November 17, 2008 11:42 AM
From: "Meehan, Christine"
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Ms. Bertrand, your recent contact to Hasbro about your recent experience with our Sorry game has been forwarded to me for response. Unfortunately, I do not have a phone number for you. Please contact me at 1-800-242-7276, ext. 5625, to discuss at your convenience.

Christine Meehan
Office of Corporate Compliance
Hasbro, Inc.

My letter to the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation

Dear Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old aspiring professional archeologist that has a bone to pick with you. More specifically, whichever production company you hired to create a dangerous and harebrained commercial about “Bingo”, a seductive lottery game your corporation offers to the gambling public. Sir, I am no stranger to gambling. Why, everywhere I go it seems like someone is shouting the word “slot”, which I take to be in reference to the self evident gambling arm I have developed from playing those Lucky 7 bad boys. I am getting off track here, so I will continue with my original candid observations.

I happened to be in the exact grocery store the day you were filming said commercial, where a woman was seated at a table in the store and is playing Bingo. She wins, ends up extremely excited and everyone lives happily ever after. However, Mr. Lottery and Gaming Corporation, we both know this is not how it really went down. The woman was mumbling like a buffoon to herself while I can only assume is trying to provide herself with the necessary luck to come out on top in her Bingo endeavor. “Victory’s in line with G 59” and “... getting my four corners on...” were audible from her mentally unstable seat. Sir, if I may be completely honest with you, as I write this and reminisce on what I had to endure that afternoon, listening to that daft and dippy maniac, she made me want to paper cut her with the four corners of this here letter. She looked like a boastful lunatic spinning through the grocery store aisles, and her haphazard cartwheel was tacky and unacceptable. Also, as a former Olympic gymnast, I can add that it wasn’t even executed correctly. But I digress. I was angered by her inhibitions, as she appeared completely oblivious to her surroundings and her inappropriate behavior was highly offensive. Her voice, her personality, her face.. that fanatical fruitcake was as proud as a peacock. All I wanted that day were some Omega 3 enriched eggs, soy milk, fresh vegetables, blueberries, some beta carotene pills, pounds and pounds of battered chicken wings, and three boxes of laxatives, and instead I left with no groceries, shot nerves, and a broken heart. That vile temptress strutted around with a verbose demeanor and a cocky attitude, and I demand retribution. Sir, there are many layers to this onion.

On a personal note, since I was unable to purchase the laxatives my colon had become so accustomed to, the constipation has lead to severe issues and without getting into too many sordid, unflattering details, I am awaiting a colonoscopy. But Mr. Lottery and Gaming Corporation, I implore you.. I know that medicine is far more advances nowadays, but I wonder if this colonoscopy could actually remove the embarrassment and dismay from the depths of my bowels. And my heart.

While we’re continuing down the road of personal adversity and misfortune, since being consumed by this commercial I have been forced to acknowledge the demons in my closet.. and admit that I have a gambling problem. I have checked myself into a 12 step rehabilitation program, and the outcome looks promising, but I was much happier swimming through the pond of oblivion. I’d like for your company to handle the cost of the colonoscopy, as well as the Omega 3 enriched eggs, soy milk, fresh vegetables, blueberries, some beta carotene pills, pounds and pounds of battered chicken wings, and three boxes of laxatives, and I’d like my dignity back. I’d like a second Bingo commercial immediately produced and executed specifically how I dictate. All it will include is Fred Savage and two American Gladiators of your choice, although I prefer Crush and Wolf, to apologize on behalf of the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation, and the health and safety hazardous schmo they decided to mistakenly hire. And somewhere towards the end, I’m going to need a dinosaur. Again, your pick. I think it would add the needed class everyone’s always talking about the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation is missing.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to your apology and subsequent presents

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand


***REPLY: December 2/2008***

reply to your e-mail of November 8, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008 6:51 AM
From: "Wendy Butcher"
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com">sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com

Hello Sarah
Thank you for contacting us with your concerns. I am sorry to hear of your situation and would be interested in speaking with you. I am available Monday to Friday from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. You can reach me by calling collect at 705-946-6612.I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincerely,
Wendy
Wendy ButcherCommunications
AssistantMarketing, Communications and Stakeholder Relations
Phone: 705-946-6612Fax: 705-946-6946
WButcher@OLG.CA

My letter to the Producer of "The Haunting of Molly Hartley"

Dear Liddell Entertainment, more specifically, Mickey Liddell,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I'm a 25 year old with a zest for life and a passion for spooky shenanigans. I took my girlfriend to see your heinous and ungodly attention seeking transparent money hungry attempt at wooing the fright seeking Halloween crowd, and if it wasn't for the delicious mouthfuls of popcorn I was consuming until the bitter end, I believe I would have given up in my smelly movie theatre chair two rows from the front of the screen, where I sat at an awkward angel and ended my life.

You see, Mr. Liddell, the synopsis of the movie had such potential. It had mystique, creativity, and the morbid fascination factor. On a more intimate note, I related to it on a personal level, because when I was born, I too died on the bathroom floor and my parents too made a pact with the Devil, where he would consume my soul at the tender age of 18. Mr. Liddell, this is a story close to my heart, and although I appreciate your attempt at portraying it on the big screen, I think that better preparations could have been made and there should have been more attention to detail. For example, my name is not Molly Hartley. It's Sarah Bertrand, as stated above. Also, my house did not look like that, I never dated Chace Crawford, and my mother never tried to stab me with a pair of scissors; she tried to scare the Devil out of me by hiding in the pantry, and jumping out screaming, and bursting a balloon in my face. I didn't talk to her for three days, and needless to say I didn't die of fright, but I know that she really loves me, and I appreciate the fact that she tried to save me from my inevitable fate. Putting that aside, Robert Hartley was a great father who you could tell really loved his daughter but he was over it pretty quickly when Molly was responsible for her mother plummeting over the bannister to her death, landing on a pair of scissors that pierced her heart. Which not only makes me question Robert's morals, but also the laws of physics.

Mr. Liddell, I am a bright, punctual, salacious, classy broad that enjoys thought provoking cinematic experiences that enrich my life in some way, whether it's through an emotional journey, an inspirational song someone performs, or me slipping my delicate yet sticky fingers into the ladies' purse next to me and taking all the hard earned money I can grab.
Mr. Liddell, you are not the only one to blame. John Travis clearly panicked during the last twenty five minutes of production because he drew a blank as to how he could end this bumbling bijou, and decided that the best thing to do would to take a character we had sympathized with the entire film, who was kind, and who made me want to nurture her and caudle her to my bosom and tell her everything was going to be ok, that those horrible visions of her mother would cease and she'd eventually stop getting locked in her bathroom and have the water stop running by itself and stop hearing those voices that called her name and stop getting nose bleeds and stop having panic attacks... *inhales deeply* and turn her into a raging insensitive brutish nincompoop harlot. I was down in the dumps, and one might say lost in a blue funk. My heart was heavy, with sadness and with guilt, wondering what I could have done more to prevent Molly from spiralling into the demonic abyss that inevitably became her fate.

Personal feelings aside, we need to discuss retribution. I'd appreciate $12.00 plus applicable taxes for the ticket I purchased, as well as $11.95 plus applicable taxes for the combo I needed to calm my nerves, and cure my boredom. I also had hoped that this went without saying, but I expect that as noble expression to the importance of your fans, fickle and otherwise, I'd have a major motion picture created based on my life as an aspiring journalist/poltergeist, and we could call it, The Jurassic Adventures of Sarah Bertrand. In A Park. We could find Jeff Goldblum to be my romantic interest, and Sarah Michelle Gellar could dress up like a dinosaur. I'd like to convene and discuss further business. Thank you for your time, and I look forward to hearing back from you personally. Have a great weekend, and Happy Halloween!

Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand

My letter to The Royal Ontario Museum

Dear Royal Ontario Museum,



My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I'm a fragile yet determined woman with a destiny that involves dinosaurs. Discovering them again, taming them, and one day writing a major motion picture that involves them somehow. Since it's never been done before, I'm working on copywriting a name.. so far, I'm thinking, Sarah Bertrand Park. Or, The Jurassic Adventures of Sarah Bertrand. In A Park.



Anyhow, the reason I'm writing you this letter is to bring your attention to an issue that has been plaguing me for countless, sleepless hours. Last night I decided to combat the monotony of my life, I was going to venture to the Royal Ontario Museum for a magical and educational experience. I was shocked, dismayed, disgusted, appalled, and heartbroken at what a lunchbag letdown the experience truly was. I left feeling dejected, melancholy, embarrassed, bamboozled, and defeated, for the Royal Ontario Museum's sub par renovations did not justify the inflated prices.

My acquaintance Nadia Umadat and I had a query regarding the current status on the Royal Ontario Museum's Planetarium, and we asked staff at The Royal Ontario Museum and we were laughed at, and I truly feel in the cockles of my heart that we were mocked. We were also told The Planetarium was to be destroyed in the near future because the Royal Ontario Museum could not keep up with the Science Center, so needless to say as a result of that newfound information I was left feeling bewildered, discombobulated, distressed, and flustered. I sobbed for hours until I came to the conclusion that this was completely unacceptable, and as a patron to the Royal Ontario Museum for years, I would appreciate if this situation is immediately rectified. I would expect nothing less than a written apology from the esteemed Board of Directors, and compensation for my $11 ticket I purchased last night. If the Royal Ontario Museum has a time machine housed in the basement I'd also appreciate if you could give me back the time I frittered away last night that could have been spent doing other more productive things. Like scavenging for dinosaur remnants, sorting through old stamps, finding new concoctions to use in my sandwich maker, pairing lonely socks, and throwing out expired yogurt. I am sure this letter will be received and treated with all the legitimacy and genuine concern of a lady with big dreams and a broken heart.

Thank you for your time. I look forward to a response.

Sincerely,

Sarah "The Dinosaur Whisperer" Bertrand


***REPLY: November 20/2008***


From: "General Inquiries" 
To: sarahbertrand13@yahoo.com "Visit to the ROM"; "info@rom.on.ca"



Good day Sarah,
Please be advised that we have received your correspondence and we will be sending your $11 refund to the home address at:

You should receive this next week.
Regards,
Cheryl

***UPDATE: Received a cheque for $11.00 in the mail***