Saturday, November 22, 2008

My letter to the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation

Dear Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old aspiring professional archeologist that has a bone to pick with you. More specifically, whichever production company you hired to create a dangerous and harebrained commercial about “Bingo”, a seductive lottery game your corporation offers to the gambling public. Sir, I am no stranger to gambling. Why, everywhere I go it seems like someone is shouting the word “slot”, which I take to be in reference to the self evident gambling arm I have developed from playing those Lucky 7 bad boys. I am getting off track here, so I will continue with my original candid observations.

I happened to be in the exact grocery store the day you were filming said commercial, where a woman was seated at a table in the store and is playing Bingo. She wins, ends up extremely excited and everyone lives happily ever after. However, Mr. Lottery and Gaming Corporation, we both know this is not how it really went down. The woman was mumbling like a buffoon to herself while I can only assume is trying to provide herself with the necessary luck to come out on top in her Bingo endeavor. “Victory’s in line with G 59” and “... getting my four corners on...” were audible from her mentally unstable seat. Sir, if I may be completely honest with you, as I write this and reminisce on what I had to endure that afternoon, listening to that daft and dippy maniac, she made me want to paper cut her with the four corners of this here letter. She looked like a boastful lunatic spinning through the grocery store aisles, and her haphazard cartwheel was tacky and unacceptable. Also, as a former Olympic gymnast, I can add that it wasn’t even executed correctly. But I digress. I was angered by her inhibitions, as she appeared completely oblivious to her surroundings and her inappropriate behavior was highly offensive. Her voice, her personality, her face.. that fanatical fruitcake was as proud as a peacock. All I wanted that day were some Omega 3 enriched eggs, soy milk, fresh vegetables, blueberries, some beta carotene pills, pounds and pounds of battered chicken wings, and three boxes of laxatives, and instead I left with no groceries, shot nerves, and a broken heart. That vile temptress strutted around with a verbose demeanor and a cocky attitude, and I demand retribution. Sir, there are many layers to this onion.

On a personal note, since I was unable to purchase the laxatives my colon had become so accustomed to, the constipation has lead to severe issues and without getting into too many sordid, unflattering details, I am awaiting a colonoscopy. But Mr. Lottery and Gaming Corporation, I implore you.. I know that medicine is far more advances nowadays, but I wonder if this colonoscopy could actually remove the embarrassment and dismay from the depths of my bowels. And my heart.

While we’re continuing down the road of personal adversity and misfortune, since being consumed by this commercial I have been forced to acknowledge the demons in my closet.. and admit that I have a gambling problem. I have checked myself into a 12 step rehabilitation program, and the outcome looks promising, but I was much happier swimming through the pond of oblivion. I’d like for your company to handle the cost of the colonoscopy, as well as the Omega 3 enriched eggs, soy milk, fresh vegetables, blueberries, some beta carotene pills, pounds and pounds of battered chicken wings, and three boxes of laxatives, and I’d like my dignity back. I’d like a second Bingo commercial immediately produced and executed specifically how I dictate. All it will include is Fred Savage and two American Gladiators of your choice, although I prefer Crush and Wolf, to apologize on behalf of the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation, and the health and safety hazardous schmo they decided to mistakenly hire. And somewhere towards the end, I’m going to need a dinosaur. Again, your pick. I think it would add the needed class everyone’s always talking about the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Corporation is missing.

Thank you so much for your time, and I look forward to your apology and subsequent presents

Sarah Bertrand

***REPLY: December 2/2008***

reply to your e-mail of November 8, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008 6:51 AM
From: "Wendy Butcher"

Hello Sarah
Thank you for contacting us with your concerns. I am sorry to hear of your situation and would be interested in speaking with you. I am available Monday to Friday from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. You can reach me by calling collect at 705-946-6612.I look forward to hearing from you.
Wendy ButcherCommunications
AssistantMarketing, Communications and Stakeholder Relations
Phone: 705-946-6612Fax: 705-946-6946

1 comment:

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