Sunday, January 11, 2009
My letter to Snuggie
My name is Sarah Bertrand and I am a 25 year old semi professional graffiti artist who enjoys comfort, monster feet slippers, and not being taken advantage of.
I recently came across your bizarre and somehow wildly popular television advertisement, and I was inspired enough to scamper over to my computer, push my ailing grandmother to the floor (she was definately hogging it), and write you a passionate and thought provoking letter.
Snuggie, you have not convinced me that I need your product. Your slogan boasts, "The blanket with sleeves!", and this statement leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. A sour taste of fleece and lies. Although your product does come in many colors pleasing to the eye, such as burgundy, royal blue, and sage green, the concept in itself baffles me. Do you believe consumers won't realize that a blanket will do the exact same job, for a lot cheaper? Hell, even if you have a fever, you can throw on a sweater or jacket in addition to that blanket, and still won't have to go through the trouble of ordering and waiting on your mystical cloak of futility. Even with the promise of a free booklight with your purchase, and even with the affirmation that I will receive not one but two of these ridiculous atrocities, and *even* though that fleecey heinousness is being peddled for the reasonable price of only $29.95 plus shipping and all applicable taxes, I still believe that you owe me more.
Snuggie, I don't feel as though you've put your heart and soul into this project, and I demand retribution. I would like a limited edition prototype constructed in my honor, and sent to me immediately. In order to please me, you must have the back of the Snuggie bedazzled with tasteful rhinestones, and I'd like flashing lights to spell out my name. Sarah Bertrand. I'm not a fan of the colors you have offered, so I'm sure you'll have no problem manufacturing a rich pink hue to adorn my Snuggie. If I am jubilant with the final result, I will expect you to send me several Snuggies in the exact same manner in which I just described. In addition, four booklights, and $29.95 plus shipping and applicable taxes for my troubles. Also, I am willing to offer my services as your spokesperson, for I am searching for a sponser. You know, to sponser my every day living. I will send you headshots, and you can send me compliments.
I look forward to my presents immediately.