iPhone 29.

Dear Apple, My name is Sarah Bertrand, and boy, do I have an invention for you. Please heed my suggestion, because I would love to partner with you, and hopefully really put you on the map. Introducing... The iPhone 65! I know that your admirable goal is to provide us with something faster and more sleek, and you certainly deliver. Each phone that you birth is more superior than the last. I assume that the next iPhone will undoubtedly be a cheetah somehow wired with wi-fi.  Now, I will admit; I have never possessed an iPhone. They actually cost more than my rent. Also, if I ever dropped it, I'd over dramatically spiral into a severe depression over any blemishes it acquired. Introducing... The iPhone 65! It is so slow, and responsible. It will appeal to a mature crowd, who are frightened by the space age witchcraft that is associated with your brand. It will be the size of Harlequin paperback, and have a secret pocket in the back for tissues and coupons. The buttons will protrude unreasonably far from the gizmo, to simplify the process of text messaging or telephone dialing for those who suffer with bad vision, or arthritis. This will also benefit people who possess fat, punchy sausage fingers like myself. It will have no internet. Please let me know if you'd like to partner on this. I think we could really get your mom and pop operation on the map. Sincerely, Sarah Bertrand

Launch of, Sketch.

Rob Schulz, reading a few of his stories from his upcoming book, at Glad Day Bookshop for the launch of, Sketch.

Oliver Ho, reading from his new poetry book, Counterfeit Skin, available on amazon.com.

Toronto actress/ singer Jessiqua Clausen, and Pickering based rapper/ DJ Paul Bertrand, performing, Adele Goes To Wal Mart.

"Adele" and "Wal Mart Worker".

Sketch Launch at Glad Day Bookshop.

I was so nervous and overwhelmed last night, I feel as though I didn't properly do justice to showing the people who came out, and the people who performed, how much I appreciate them.

Thank you so much to Paul Bertrand, Jessiqua Clausen, Rob Schulz, and Oliver Ho for your wonderful performances, and really awesome readings. Although it was a small crowd last night, they were mighty and loyal. I'm beyond appreciative and honored that the four of you would be generous enough to lend your time and talents to an event that I hope you all felt was just as much yours as a launch for Sketch. Rob and Oliver, I'm so happy to be able to call you my friends, and working with you guys over the past year has been such a pleasure. I am eternal fans of you both. You are funny, weird, interesting, real, cool dudes, and I can't wait for future projects with you both. Thank you.

Oliver your comic is awesome, and although I haven't read your poetry book yet, I can't wait to, and it looks wonderful. I loved listening to your poems, and your easy vibe makes everything you do so enjoyable. You really were great. Thank you.

Rob, your leather jacket is so bad ass. Your life is so interesting, and sad, and funny, and real. And your comfort with yourself is admirable, and what makes you such a relatable, funny, awesome guy. Can't wait for your book.

Jess, you committed so hard to Adele's appearance, I've been telling people all day. You looked incredible, your voice is beautiful, and your performance was jerky and awesome. Thank you so much for agreeing to be a part of something so important to me, and supporting me by showcasing your talent and being down for any silly thing I threw at you. I'm a huge fan, and I can't wait to do something in the future with you.

Paul. I know for some reason you think that everything you do is just you helping me out, but your talent is so larger, it's ridiculous. I was absolutely floored that you not only agreed to be a part of my sketch, but you memorized the lines, and performed them as though you already were an actor. You were so funny, and silly, and really really great. I am so impressed with you, and so was everyone else. You are my very best friend, and way funnier than me, and I am thankful every day that I have you. Knowing that I have you in my corner makes everything easier, better, and more fun. I love you so much, and I can't wait to see what we're going to do next. Thank you.

Michael Erickson, thank you so much. For everything. I feel like I fit with Glad Day, and I can't wait for future events, projects, and fun with you guys. I hope you really do know how much I appreciate you all.

Mom, Karan, Anna, Willona, Kevin, Dominika, and Paula. I know you all have lives, and important things to do, and I just need you to know that it really makes my heart feel full that you took the time to come out and dedicate a few hours to support Inapark, and local talent. I definately know how lucky I am, and I know I'd be nothing if I didn't have people that cared, so thank you tremendously. I will never forget your support. Mom, thanks for the ride. And the spaghetti, and stopping at the LCBO. I love you to the moon and back. And Willona, thank you for saying that I'll be successful, and that I'm talented. I think about that stuff afterwards, and it's one of the few things that I can physically feel, in my head and in my heart.

Thank you to all the people who bought my book, and wished me luck. And thank you to all of the people that continue to support me, and my family. Much more to come. Thank you all. xo.

Sarah B.

I found this letter I wrote to Best Buy a few years ago. Ridiculous.

Dear Best Buy, 

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 27 year old electric blanket enthusiast who enjoys computing, eating movie popcorn, and watching Greys Anatomy. I am deeply saddened, and frustrated that it has come to this, but you, sirs, are in need of a tongue lashing in which I hope you take seriously. 

I will begin my tale of woe with an apology. I am sorry that I was ever seduced by your flashy commercials, and bright, alluring colors. And that I ever entered your establishment of sub par, most likely refurbished electronics equipment and nik naks. I have bought my third router from you in less than six months, and this one too, like the rest, has just ceased functioning. It's almost like a tragic game. A gambling game, where there is no winner.

Allow me to create a scene. It is a windy day. I am outside, with a positive attitude, and fist full of $84. Okay, two fists full of 84 loonies. My arms are sore; they're very heavy. I need a router. Stay with me, this makes sense in the end. There is a man in a trench coat. He is shrouded in darkness, but I trust him. I think he has candy. Alas! Even better than that.. he has a router!! I assume if I hand over my 84 loonies, plus applicable taxes, that I will receive the treasure he is holding. I could just as easily walk a few blocks and get it from somewhere else, but this method seems more convenient. Albeit little more dangerous, which I like. So, he hands me the router, and just as I am about to hand him my sweaty fistful of change, his trench coat opens a little bit (in the wind), and I see that he is wearing a Best Buy polo t shirt. My instincts tell me to throw up the change in the air, and watch it get swept away in the wind, because THAT is what eventually will happen to my hopes and dreams in a matter of weeks when the router of mystery decides that my 84 dollars plus applicable taxes is only worth so much. So, that's what I do. I throw it, and run as fast as I can, tears streaming down my face. Do you see? Isn't it plain as day? These routers are unpredictable and confusing, like this tale I just spun for you. Since I do not wish to employ your in-store army of excess, more often referred to as the "Geek Squad" (which I believe to be a voracious scam), I would hope this could be settled fairly, and with a little pizzazz. Do you enjoy pizzazz, Geek Squad? Of course you do. Your commercials are full of it. 

The routers I have purchased as of the "D Link" brand, and were all wireless N Routers. I spent $84 dollars three times, and don't have another penny to spare. Since your company is reputable and known for their spectacular deals and accommodating nature, I was wondering if there was any sort of compensation I could please look forward to? Most importantly a new router? I look forward to a response, and hope you, Best Buy, have a fantastic day.

  

Sincerely,

Sarah Bertrand

Products That Don't Make Sense; The Cat- It Diner from Hagen.

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 29 year old cat enthusiast, who enjoys summer breezes, bargains, and talkin' 'bout felines.

I was recently meandering through my local pet emporium, when I came across the Glass Diner eating station, by Hagen. It caught my attention because the cat on the front of the box appeared to look as though he was upset that he had been disrupted during a candid moment with his meal. It made me giggle.

The box boasts that the Glass Diner provides, "elevated, fine dining for the discerning feline." That experience will only cost you $16.99, plus applicable taxes. This got me thinking; is this really what cats want? Because in my experience, cats really aren't preoccupied with, "easy access". In fact, I'd say they prefer difficult, obstructed access. Throw a handful of kibble into a plastic bag, or shoot it under the DVD display case; they'll lose their shit.

The two sculpted dishes are "ideal for the wet or dry menu, as well as for water." I'm assuming that this redundant tidbit was filler, because that's like me saying, Buy this cup. You can put milk in it, juice, booze, maybe even a handful of Skittles, or a pen. This cup, meant for containing, will hold it all!

This useless dishwasher safe sensation suited for the finicky feline, can also be used for toy dog breeds. So, if your pretentious pup grows tired of eating his own poop, you can coax him towards a more appropriate diet, eaten out of a fancy, ergodynamically tilted Glass Diner.

Shih Tzus love, Sketch!

Furry supporter at the Word On The Street Festival yesterday! He even bought a book! Thanks, Tucker.

The Word On The Street Festival.

Come check out Inapark's booth at the Word On The Street Festival tomorrow! From 10am til 6pm, at Queen's Park Circle. My brother and I are going to hopefully be entertaining the masses with wit, banter, sandwiches (just for us though), neat swag and books. It'll be your first chance to pick up a copy of, Sketch!

Available in the current issue of Xtra Toronto!

They're here!

Your first chance to get my second self published book, Sketch, is this Sunday at The Word On The Street Festival in downtown Toronto! Come to my booth and say hi! Your second chance will be next Thursday at the Glad Day Bookshop from 7:30pm- 9:30pm. There will be guests from The Second City, a sketch performance, and I'll be reading a ridiculous letter. Oh ya, they'll be drinks too!

Inapark Reviews: The Bourne Legacy.

As an avid fan of the Bourne series, I was really excited to see The Bourne Legacy. It has an awesome cast; Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz (well she's kind of boring, but she's a babe), and Ed Norton. It was directed by Tony Gilroy, who directed Armageddon, Michael Clayton, and the Bourne series, which I think were all great movies. Joan Allen was also in it, but for literally about one and a half confusing minutes.

Having a $125, 000, 000 budget, and spanning 135 well rested, bewildering minutes, this action thriller left me feeling livid, and baffled.

The fourth installment of the Bourne film series was based off of The Bourne Legacy, by Eric Van Lustbader,  whereas the other Bourne books were written by Jason Ludlum. This film completely changes the plot of the last book. So many names are thrown around, when no one knows who the hell anyone is, or what their position is.

Every single action within the plot is extremely vague, where you think you kinda know but aren't completely sure. Then a confusing video comes out, and whole movie is about making assumptions and piecing it together on your own. Then there's the opening scene; what's the purpose? Oh! Jeremy Renner's attractive and sort of wolverine-y. Ed Norton wants all members of the secret club that's not really a secret anymore killed- but wait! Jeremy Renner, who plays Aaron Cross, is also Batman, and hears an oncoming missile and runs out of the cabin before it explodes. It kills someone who is part of the program too? There's a question mark, because we think so. He escapes, and shoots the missile with a sniper rifle, and outsmarts everyone by having an uncomfortable fight with a wolf, implanting his tracking device into it. The wolf blows up. This was the only part of the movie that I was emotionally invested in.

The Treadstone dudes are poisoned, and everyone who has any info is murdered. Then the possibly brainwashed Doctor shoots all of his colleagues except the babe, who obviously escapes. Ah man, it was almost perfect! "Dr. Shearing" (Weisz) is rescued by Cross from assassins, Renner acts like a depraved drug addict and somehow gains her trust, and they go on the lam.

I fell asleep and woke up the first time when my girlfriend yelled at me that I was missing the movie. The second time I fell asleep, I woke up when they very easily made it into Manila. That's when I realized that she was sleeping next to me, but I thought I would allow her to slumber because there was no reason to be conscious. I fell asleep again and woke up during the obligatory motorcycle chase, and crash, and Rachel Weisz easily makes peace with never seeing anyone she loves every again. She's also cool that her family believes she's dead. They then find a family with a fishing boat to escape, and get "lost". *giggle*

I was shocked that this was the ending. As they started to pan away from the boat, and music came on, I sat there silently chanting, "No... no... no..." and then I realized, Yes, Sarah Bertrand. This was the end.  I am furious, and I hate Jeremy Renner now. Well done, Tony Gilroy. There were literally all unanswered questions, so a  sequel is inevitable. I can tell you one unimpressed gal who will not be seeing it... and she can be found at the bottom of a popcorn bag, in tears. And her name is Sarah Bertrand.

***

Dear Sarah, 

Thank you for contacting Cineplex Entertainment. We do apologise that your film experience was less than satisfactory. Cineplex is a movie exhibitor and has no control over the content of the films played at our locations, this done by the director and film studios. If you are unhappy with the film you selected, you may request a refund or exchange within 30 minutes of the film’s start. As you watched the entire film, we are unable to refund your ticket. 

Regards, 

Samantha Weaver 

Guest Services 

Cineplex Entertainment

Inapark Reviews: Fifty Shades of Bertrand.

There is something inside me that apparently needs the 50 Shades series. I wish I could figure out what it was, so that I could prod it with some sort of weapon until it was dead. I am obsessed with it, and I hate myself for it. Every time I hear someone say, "I was thinking of reading it, should I?", I cringe. The story line is ridiculous, and in some cases, not physically possible. I despise every single character, minor or major. So, to save you the the tedious chore of making your way through these books, searching for some sort of point, I will tell you exactly what happens, step by step. I believe calling this a spoiler alert would be inaccurate, because I'm not spoiling anything.

I have never before gotten physically angry reading a book, and when I finally finished, 50 Shades Freed, while I was on the subway, I swore. If I wasn't borrowing my friend's copy of it, I honest to God would have thrown it out. The writing is deplorable. The main characters are Ana, and Christian. Meet Ana: a virgin for about five seconds, self proclaimed bookworm, naive, shy, and overall a waste of a person. She has little to no respect for herself, and allows herself to be bullied and victimized in the name of love, throughout this entire awful trilogy. I hate Ana. Every character was very clearly designed to make a point, or fit a mold. Ana says what she is, and then is it. "Oh God, I'm so clumsy. Until I grow up real fast and become an Olympic gymnast contortionist in the sack." She literally trips twice in the whole series, only to remind you how silly and adorable she is. I can't properly explain how vapid Ana is, or how frustrating it is reading her corny dialogue, so I will have to show you.

Right after I introduce you to Christian! Meet Christian. Hi Christian. My God you are so good looking. Like, actually the best looking person ever spawned. You're so chiseled, oh my. Oh ya, "oh my" is one of the phrases you'll read about 30 times per page. Her "inner Goddess" is a lunatic, and apparently a simpleton. Christian is the best at everything in the world, a sex God, who can literally make his sexual partners have an orgasm by looking at them, or saying something weird like, "I can't wait to conquer your ass." Oh my.

So, because I care so much about you, I am going to wrap 50 Shades of Grey, 50 Shades Darker, and 50 Shades Freed up in one shitty little package for you right now, and serve you up a long winded slice of 50 Shades of Bertrand.

- "Hello Mr. Grey."
- "Hello Mrs. Steele. Wait, you're not supposed to be interviewing me for the school newspaper."
- "Oh, my friend is sick. So I'm doing it, but for some reason I literally can't function. Maybe it's your looks, or maybe the author of this book has had a stroke and forgotten what makes sense or sounds good on paper. But I wanted to save you from the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition. I will reference my friend by her whole name like that, to try and make her more relatable, for the entire trilogy. It will detract from her being viewed as a tool of convenience to move along the plot, or to give me one friend to make me not seem like such a one dimensional robot."
- "Alright. I am a Dominatrix."
- What does he mean?? He's so confusing.
- "I want to punch you in the face during sex."
- My inner Goddess is slamming her head against the wall.
- "I am rich."
- "I am a virgin."
- "I am going to make love to you unconventionally."
- "Oh my. Mr. Grey."
- "Ms. Steele."
- "I'm so clumsy."
- Ana gets drunk at a bar, Christian stalks her there and takes her home to take care of her. Makes a lot of sense, considering she's had like two margaritas and can't walk. And then vomits. What is she, like ten??
- "I have an erection."
- Then they bang, I skimmed a lot, the sex was lackluster.
- They enter a contract engagement of her being his submissive, and essentially she's not allowed to talk to anyone ever, and has to be at his beck and call. Weekends, week nights, cutting her off from the world; class act Christian, you misunderstood poor dark angel. Man you're so tortured, I hope in the end you triumph and love prevails. I could have bet my cats on everything that would have happened in these books, and I would have won. Something. I'm not sure what I would have won, but the point is, it was predictable and I'm getting angry reliving it through this review.
- "I have another erection."
- "I am crimson. I am never tired, or not in the mood. Let's have an orgasm at the exact same time."
- "Oh, Ms. Steele. I make an unreasonable amount of money per hour, and my whole family is perfect. But I do have a dark past."
- plane ride, elevator sex
- "Oh Christian, let's call everyone by their entire names, always. Also I am obsessed with your ex, Elena. I recognize that she is a mild irritant, but she will remain the source of unbridled fury."
- "That's cool, babe, and maybe we can be involved in several anticlimactic plots that fizzle out just as quickly as they were introduced. I have another erection."
- "We talk like we're 50 and on the set of Road to Avonlea, or Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Let's make love again. I'm a lady; don't call it fucking. But make sure you use a riding crop, and spank me until I cry."
- "Here are all the clothes and gadgets you'll ever need."
- "Ugh. You're so controlling."
- They break up because she can't handle his, you guessed it, 50 Shades of Grey.
- Get back together immediately. Obviously.
- Possessive to the point of being abusive.
- Shocking tampon sex. Google it, I'm not going there.
- Christian and Ana get married.
- Ex Elena is there, and Ana is rude to her.
- Lavish wedding.
- "Oh Ana, now Mrs. Grey, everyone I know is soap opera rich."
- Sex.
- Weird half developed plot with ex submissive Leila. She wants to murder Ana because she can't handle Christian not being with her.
- Intercourse.
- Leila has a gun! Watch out Ana!
- Anticlimactic capture.
- Sex.
- Bliss.
- Cliffhanger disappearance!
- "You're not allowed to go out Ana."
- "But all of a sudden I'm assertive!"
- "Mrs. Grey."
- "Mr. Grey."
- "I have another erection."
- Oh my. Again I will blush. I literally can't stop. It's unreasonable.
- Exchange of unrealistic emails between the Greys. Ana's not allowed to go out with her friend, because it just isn't safe. Jack Hyde, Ana's former boss, is out there somewhere with revenge on his mind. He sabotaged Christian's helicopter, and set his business on fire! Don't go out Ana.
- Disobedience.
- Anger!
- Irony! Kidnapping murderer Jack was captured in the very place Ana was supposed to be! Thank God she disobeyed her husband.
- "Fine, I will change my last name from Steele, even though I really really don't want to, and I keep saying no. Who needs independence?"
- erection!
- "I'm furious at you, but I can have so much sex and orgasm on cue! My vagina is magic."
- Mood swings.
- "I eat with the frequency of a snake, and never feel hungry!"
- "I am the most handsome man in the world. I am an expert at everything. I never feel rundown, or have an off day!"
- Unfounded jealousy!
- "I'm going to buy you a company."
- My underpants are moist. "I'm almost 30 and I literally know nothing about sex. Not even the basics." What does he mean he wants to have sex with my breasts? 
- My inner goddess says she's renting me a porn.

- "I will make us subs for dinner. Get it?"

- "Oh Christian. My fifty shades. Fifty fifty fifty. It's the title too, get it? I'll keep repeating it until you get it."

- "I'm fifty shades of fucked up."

- "Fifty shades."

- "Fifty." 

- My subconscious punches herself in the face, and says it's sold on amazon. Repeat the title one more time.

- "Fifty shades. And my last name is Grey."

- Literally nothing happens.

- Intruder, weapon, duct tape... what's happening... don't go there Ana...

-"I want to beat the shit out of you."

- What does he mean?

- "Let's solve all of our issues with sex; there will be no residual anger in the morning."

- Subconscious is apparently near sighted, because I can't stop talking about her half moon tortoise shell spectacles. Literally makes no sense.

- Criminal apprehended.

- Stopped reading actual words when I realized they were banging, to when they stopped.

- "I'm a 30 year old man that can't properly channel his feelings. I am 50 Shades."

- "That's okay. I love you. This is healthy."

- "Oh Fifty Shades. Mr. Mercurial."

- "I am 50 Shades."

- Oh my.

- "50."

- "50."

- Repetition will distract from this under developed, dragging plot.
- "This amount of sex is very natural, as is constant simultaneous orgasming. I never feel fat."
- Distractions, Aspen, wealth, proposal!

- Katharine Kavanagh is marrying Christian's brother Elliot!

- Bar altercation, over reaction, drunk, judgement!
- Walking on eggshells; jealousy dancing on the line of abuse.
- They literally can't stand anyone else looking at either one of them. It makes their relationship almost comical. This is until you realize the author is trying to portray an adult relationship, and is romanticizing the level of dependency they're inflicting upon each other.
- "Mr. Mercurial. Fifty. Fifty Shades, baby."
- My inner Goddess narrows her eyes and peers at me through her tortoiseshell, half moon specs. She is writing her resume up on a typewriter, to apply for unemployment insurance once everyone gets over this nonsense and realizes there's way better smut out there.
- "My groin is so tense."
- "My palm is twitchy. That means I'm thinking about beating you. Doesn't that make you feel loved? I am always enraged. I am a ticking timebomb."
- "Oh my. I'm blushing again."
- "Mrs. Grey. We literally know nothing about each other."
- Leila and Susi, two members of the "Ex Sub Club", visit Ana at work.
- My sub conscious is sort of the same as my inner Goddess, but her only purpose is to remind people she's reading a dog eared copy of Jane Eyre.
- No matter what, Christian is always so hot.
- Mean to Leila, who's a zombie.
- Sex.
- Ana's father Ray gets in an accident, that in the end literally serves to purpose. Random drunk driver.
- I am lost. And so fragile.
- Ray is bought the best doctor in the world by Christian.
- Ana's birthday! Presents! Daddy who??
- Christian's over-exaggeration of power; every single move, and small act, makes him an obscene amount of money. "Oh, I just brushed my teeth, and made one million dollars baby!"
- More weird mouth kissing.
- Distractions; more insignificant details.
- Reminding each other of their all consuming, obsessive love.
- Birthday party! Everyone's a big crybaby, especially her mom who actually only cries every time she's mentioned.
- Daddy's out of the coma, with baseball commentary! Oh Ray. Priceless.
- Current hip music reference about playing Dido.
- Banging- more talk about how long Ana's nipples are.
- Rubs his nose all over Ana's "sex". (Her vagina is referred to as her "sex" throughout every weird sex act in the trilogy. This  makes me sick.)
- Every sexcapade is the best of my life. And you are an intercourse magician who makes my body have orgasms at your discretion, instantly."
- Foreshadowing- police questioning.
- Foreshadowing- always naive and confused.
- Police questioning- Jack Hyde's a liar, reversal.
- Preggo! But how?! Oh, with all that unprotected sex.
- Ana tells Christian, who behaves like an embarrassing, petulant horrible asshole.
- Christian goes out, and gets drunk with "pedo bitch troll Elena" (22 year old swear words).
- Confrontation.
- Stalemate.
- Mia ransom kidnapping from Jack Hyde! But how did he receive bail?! Oh, through... actually, too boring and unimportant to reveal, and doesn't make sense.
- More weird, too specific "sub conscious" actions; like discussing the sub conscious's "perfectly plucked eyebrows".
- Vigilante mission! Plot fizzles.
- Everything, yet nothing, happens.
- Jack apprehended! Gunshot! Sort of coma. Everything wrapped up in a tragically dull bow, with little to no consequences. Every climax, EVERY climax, has a lengthy build up, and a passing remark conclusion that doesn't really make sense.
- Ana is put into a convenient coma, where she drifts in and out of consciousness when people around her are saying important things.
- Christian never leaves her side. So much sleep talking to stress repetitive points! This provides answers to everything. Elena is old news.
- Unrealistic conclusion.
- Sort of acceptance of pregnancy.
- Christian talks; all unacceptable behavior is cool! Even when he called her stupid all those times.
-  Unimaginative explanation of Jack and his accomplices.
- Weird, sort of endings that as a whole, are worse than all the books put together, and sort of ruin them even more. I think they're supposed to provide insight, but they just act as a rambly, unnecessary sequel.
- Ana's preggo again; with a daughter!
- Christian's an awesome father, and he can't wait to taste Ana's nipple milk again. Man he is so kinky!
- It all ends with one tiny chapter speaking through Christian's voice from when he was a child. The writing is embarrassing, and tries to fit in so many references that were touched on throughout the series, that it's overwhelming. I feel as though this was done so you don't feel cheated and indignant upon completion of these novels. MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED, E.L. JAMES. The only thing I felt when closing the book forever on Ana and Christian, was beside myself with CHAGRIN.

Ladies and Gents, if you've managed to read this far, I am impressed. And I thank you. Unless you think that my opinions are too extreme. Then, I will write a review about you.

I mean, please feel free to leave feedback! Tell me if you liked, or hated the book, and why!
Sarah B.

Hospital Drama. One of the sketches included in, Sketch.

Ruth:

“So, what are you in for? Heh.”

Rebecca Donaldson:

“Reoccurring abdominal pain.”

Ruth:

“Hmmm.”

Rebecca Donaldson:

“You?”

Ruth:

“Oh you know, this and that. I’ve been sitting here waiting for forty five minutes already.” *sighs*

Rebecca:

*looks at Ruth, unimpressed*

“I’ve been here three hours. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m experiencing a lot of discomfort right now, so I’m just going to keep to myself if you don’t mind.”

*Nurse rushes past*

Ruth:

"Excuse me Nurse! Excuse me!

*Nurse stops and turns*

I've been waiting in this God awful room for four hours. This is ridiculous!"

Nurse:

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. Please be patient. There is an order to things, even though it very literally never appears that way."

Ruth:

"But people who are showing up after me, are getting in before me!"

Nurse:

"Order of severity, Ma'am." *walks away*

Ruth:

“The weather's been tolerable the past few days. It’s so nice to be out walking around and not worry about slipping.”

*Rebecca fidgets in her seat. Doctor Handsome walks past*

Ruth:

*screams* "Excuse me!!

*Doctor Handsome spins around. Glitter falls from the ceiling.*

I've been here for six hours! Sitting here with a case of... Outbreak!"

Doctor Handsome:

"Pardon?"

Ruth:

"Contagion?

Beat

I have it."

Doctor Handsome:

"You have... Contagion."

Ruth:

"Yes."

Beat

Doctor Handsome:

"Holy SHIT!

*screams*

I need 900 cc's of epidopamine! One of those John Travolta 'bubbles', and as much hand sanitizer as we can muster! STAT!"

*starts bouncing from left foot to right foot, panicking*

Audrey:

"Oh dear."

Rebecca Donaldson:

*agitated and snappy*

“Contagion is a movie. With Gwyneth Paltrow and Matt Damon. You can’t have ‘contagion’. This is ludicrous. Doctor, I am in agonizing pain. I’d rate it a ten out of ten. I can't sit here anymore and listen to her. I just can’t. I’ve been here far longer than that liar, and my nerves are shot. Please.”

Doctor Handsome:

"Don't panic, Old Lady. Thank you for self-diagnosing. You just saved us precious time!"

Ruth:

"You know, maybe I was overreacting. I'm going to sit here quietly, until it's my turn."

Doctor Handsome:

"NURRSEEEE! Needle, now!"

*Nurse comes running in with needle, which Doctor Handsome grabs. Doctor Handsome and Nurse look at each other longingly, and start making out. They finish.*

"Now Lady, hold still. I am going to insert a needle into your heart, to extract the venom."

Ruth:

"Needle in my heart?!

*looks around frantically*

Henry! Where’s my husband?! No needles!”

*Doctor and Nurse eye Ruth, then each other, then Ruth, then each other carefully. Doctor slowly and reluctantly puts the needle away.*

Doctor Handsome:

“Ma’am, then you’re just going to have to wait like everybody else.”

*Doctor exits stage*

Ruth:

(to Rebecca Donaldson)

"I wish I brought a book. My purse strap broke, so I was going to bring one of those reusable bags, but it's so hard to find one that's sturdy enough for Danielle Steele."

*Doctor walks by again, with clipboard*

Rebecca Donaldson:

"Uhhhhh, excuse me! Hello! I just had a grand mal seizure. I need medical assistance this instant!"

Doctor Handsome:

*rolls eyes* "I'll bring you a diaper and a wet nap." *walks away*

Ruth:

"Doctor! Doctor! Come back. I've been here for eight hours! I've got ants in my pants!"

Doctor Handsome:

*pensive* "Sounds malignant..."

Ruth:

"Feels malignant."

*Rebecca coughs once. Nurse rushes in, Doctor runs over to her, pushes Ruth aside, and throws a mask on Rebecca*

Doctor Handsome:

"Are you okay??"

*Rebecca nods yes, stops, and slowly starts shaking her head no. They rush her off to emergency. Ruth is alone. Ruth fidgets with a magazine, looks around, starts to get anxious*

Ruth:

"Nurse? Doctor?"

*both enter the stage again*

Doctor Handsome:

"Your friend is in good hands now. She's in Waiting Room B. I'm sure someone will be with her shortly. That was a close one. I'm parched. Nurse! I need a Dixie cup, STAT!"

*Nurse nods sensitively*

Ruth:

"I know that you're probably tired of this silly old lady, but I need to get in there. I have a bun in the oven."

Nurse:

"But you're like, 100!"

Ruth:

“Makes no difference, you brash young thing! You watch your sass mouth. I’ve got a bun in the oven, and it needs to be tended to!”

Beat

Ruth:

"So can you please see me next, so I can go home and take it out before it burns?!"

*relief washes over Doctor Handsome and Nurse’s face*

Ruth:

"I don't know why I didn't leave it until after I got back home. I mean, it is literally one bun, baking in my oven. There's no way it's not burnt to a crisp."

Doctor Handsome:

"Well let me take a look at you. What symptoms are you experiencing?"

Ruth:

"My feet are cold."

Doctor Handsome:

"Inoperable tumor."

Ruth:

*shakes head*

Doctor Handsome:

"Shingles. Heel spurs."

Ruth:

"Don't think so."

Doctor Handsome:

"Lupus."

Ruth:

"Nope."

Doctor Handsome:

"Come on, have you ever seen 'House'?! It's always Lupus!"

*Barry walks in and sits next to Ruth*

Barry:

*looks at Doctor*

"I have a fever!"

Doctor Handsome:

*reaches for Barry’s med chart, opens it up*

Barry:

"A dance fever!"

*Doctor smiles, Barry laughs in a jolly manner. Doctor looks at Barry’s med chart, face drops. Looks at Barry**

Doctor Handsome:

"Sweet sassy molassy; you actually do have a fever."

Barry:

*still smirking* "Heh, yeah, I told you. So what’s the prescription? A lollipop, and some bed rest, Doc?”

Doctor Handsome:

"No. It's typhoid. And it's fatal. Thanks a lot, Debbie Downer."

black

Xtra article!

http://www.xtra.ca/public/National/What_lesbians_need_to_know_about_coming_out-12496.aspx

This has always been a goal of mine, to get published in a magazine, and I'm so excited. If you like this article, please let them know at Xtra!

"Like" Me!

If you haven't already, please "like" Inapark Productions on my facebook group. Thanks friends.
https://www.facebook.com/inaparkproductions

Binx and Cobra Commander. Your welcome.

Sketch.

Come out for a night of laughter, intrigue, proverbial magic, music, drinks and fun. You can pick up a brand spankin' new copy of Sketch, which is a collection of all of the sketches that I did during my year at The Second City. The Second City writing alumni Brianne Hogan, Ryan J Graham, Rob Schulz, and Oliver Ho will be there doing readings from their latest projects. I'll be reading a letter, and introducing the fantastic Jessiqua Elin Clausen, and tremendously special guest, who will be performing my sketch, Adele Goes To Wal Mart. Thursday, September 27th, from 7:30pm- 9:30pm at Glad Day Bookshop.

Bookmark.

"The Best of Inapark Productions" is now available in the East Coast! Bookmark, in Prince Edward Island, now carries my first self published book. Super excited, if you know anyone who lives there, or you live there yourself, please pass the word around?

Lessons Learned While Travelling Through The East Coast.

- It's so important to find and cling to inspiration whenever possible.
- Always make time to breathe and to daydream.
- In Prince Edward Island, you can't fully appreciate a song being played in a bar unless your shirt is off, and you're screaming the lyrics into a stranger's face.
- If you ask the locals about which cute little towns to visit, you will get a biased perspective. "Summerside; more like Scummerside."
- Meeting people and experiencing different cultures is enlightening and wonderful, and provides you with invaluable material.
- If you really want something, ask. The worst they can do is say no.
- Fist fighting after a night out is a regular occurrence; like getting a hot dog, or peeing behind a car.
- Everyone in the East Coast knows a bootlegger.
- "I love my babies. Do you want to buy some weed or MDMA?", is a more popular phrase than you'd think.
- Every so often, it's okay to break the rules a little, if it means experiencing something rare and beautiful.
- ALWAYS BOOK HOTELS IN ADVANCE.
- Set little goals for yourself. If feels so damn good when you accomplish them.
- In PEI, it's normal to address strangers, as well as good friends, as "asshole".
- Apparently all French people think Torontonians are "bullshit". A Parisian stressed to me that he speaks for them all.
- When someone asks you, "what you're drinkin'", and attempts to take a sip from their glass, but prematurely starts pouring it out before it reaches their lips, and then stumbles into the bar... it's common courtesy to pretend that you didn't notice.
- Choose which restaurants you go to carefully. You might accidentally select one that has trained their waitresses to hand you your glass with their fingers in the liquid. With every glass at the table. Even for refills.
- Smashing the counter with a flyswatter, while reaching over customers and food, is how they deal with bees at Tim Horton's in Quebec.
- If you drive out far enough, you just might find a truck stop that serves Alphabet Soup as their soup de jour.
- Stopping completely on the highway when you're blinded by the sun is "dangerous". I said I was sorry Willona!
- Make your mark in this world however you can. Don't let them forget you.

Things That Are Funny To Me.

-      Answering the phone, “Bertrand residence”, no matter where you are; especially if you’re at work

-      Making situations intentionally awkward

-      Making scary faces at children when their parents aren’t looking

-      Crank calling the Home Shopping Network

-      Repeatedly calling my brother and hanging up on him

-      Lying about insignificant things to shock people

-      Posing my cats with my action figures and robots, and taking pictures of them

-      Exaggerating

-      The Office

-      Pretty much all customer complaints, and feedback

-      Negative old people

-      Kids forced to wear leashes

-      Huge kids in strollers

-      Women who enter reality tv dating shows and get upset at not being taken seriously

-      Secret shoppers

-      Kristen Wiig

-      Twilight

-      Infomercials

-      Cheating at board or card games

-      White people dancing at weddings

-      Drunk mall Santas

-      Saturday Night Live

-      My Grandma, submitting to whatever ridiculous act my brother and I ask her to perform

-      Housecoats

-      My mother, harassing telemarketers when they call her

-      Anything and everything my brother does

-      When kittens and puppies are angry

-      My Grandma’s obsession with Hawaii 5.0

-      My Grandma calling all her friends by their entire names, ie. I had lunch today with Irene Burby, and we met up with Pat Piddell.

-      When my Mom laughs so hard she cries

-      Sexting

-      Kids with rat tails

-      Ferns

-      Haikus and limericks