I have never before gotten physically angry reading a book, and when I finally finished, 50 Shades Freed, while I was on the subway, I swore. If I wasn't borrowing my friend's copy of it, I honest to God would have thrown it out. The writing is deplorable. The main characters are Ana, and Christian. Meet Ana: a virgin for about five seconds, self proclaimed bookworm, naive, shy, and overall a waste of a person. She has little to no respect for herself, and allows herself to be bullied and victimized in the name of love, throughout this entire awful trilogy. I hate Ana. Every character was very clearly designed to make a point, or fit a mold. Ana says what she is, and then is it. "Oh God, I'm so clumsy. Until I grow up real fast and become an Olympic gymnast contortionist in the sack." She literally trips twice in the whole series, only to remind you how silly and adorable she is. I can't properly explain how vapid Ana is, or how frustrating it is reading her corny dialogue, so I will have to show you.
Right after I introduce you to Christian! Meet Christian. Hi Christian. My God you are so good looking. Like, actually the best looking person ever spawned. You're so chiseled, oh my. Oh ya, "oh my" is one of the phrases you'll read about 30 times per page. Her "inner Goddess" is a lunatic, and apparently a simpleton. Christian is the best at everything in the world, a sex God, who can literally make his sexual partners have an orgasm by looking at them, or saying something weird like, "I can't wait to conquer your ass." Oh my.
So, because I care so much about you, I am going to wrap 50 Shades of Grey, 50 Shades Darker, and 50 Shades Freed up in one shitty little package for you right now, and serve you up a long winded slice of 50 Shades of Bertrand.
- "Hello Mr. Grey."
- "Hello Mrs. Steele. Wait, you're not supposed to be interviewing me for the school newspaper."
- "Oh, my friend is sick. So I'm doing it, but for some reason I literally can't function. Maybe it's your looks, or maybe the author of this book has had a stroke and forgotten what makes sense or sounds good on paper. But I wanted to save you from the Katherine Kavanagh Inquisition. I will reference my friend by her whole name like that, to try and make her more relatable, for the entire trilogy. It will detract from her being viewed as a tool of convenience to move along the plot, or to give me one friend to make me not seem like such a one dimensional robot."
- "Alright. I am a Dominatrix."
- What does he mean?? He's so confusing.
- "I want to punch you in the face during sex."
- My inner Goddess is slamming her head against the wall.
- "I am rich."
- "I am a virgin."
- "I am going to make love to you unconventionally."
- "Oh my. Mr. Grey."
- "Ms. Steele."
- "I'm so clumsy."
- Ana gets drunk at a bar, Christian stalks her there and takes her home to take care of her. Makes a lot of sense, considering she's had like two margaritas and can't walk. And then vomits. What is she, like ten??
- "I have an erection."
- Then they bang, I skimmed a lot, the sex was lackluster.
- They enter a contract engagement of her being his submissive, and essentially she's not allowed to talk to anyone ever, and has to be at his beck and call. Weekends, week nights, cutting her off from the world; class act Christian, you misunderstood poor dark angel. Man you're so tortured, I hope in the end you triumph and love prevails. I could have bet my cats on everything that would have happened in these books, and I would have won. Something. I'm not sure what I would have won, but the point is, it was predictable and I'm getting angry reliving it through this review.
- "I have another erection."
- "I am crimson. I am never tired, or not in the mood. Let's have an orgasm at the exact same time."
- "Oh, Ms. Steele. I make an unreasonable amount of money per hour, and my whole family is perfect. But I do have a dark past."
- plane ride, elevator sex
- "Oh Christian, let's call everyone by their entire names, always. Also I am obsessed with your ex, Elena. I recognize that she is a mild irritant, but she will remain the source of unbridled fury."
- "That's cool, babe, and maybe we can be involved in several anticlimactic plots that fizzle out just as quickly as they were introduced. I have another erection."
- "We talk like we're 50 and on the set of Road to Avonlea, or Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. Let's make love again. I'm a lady; don't call it fucking. But make sure you use a riding crop, and spank me until I cry."
- "Here are all the clothes and gadgets you'll ever need."
- "Ugh. You're so controlling."
- They break up because she can't handle his, you guessed it, 50 Shades of Grey.
- Get back together immediately. Obviously.
- Possessive to the point of being abusive.
- Shocking tampon sex. Google it, I'm not going there.
- Christian and Ana get married.
- Ex Elena is there, and Ana is rude to her.
- Lavish wedding.
- "Oh Ana, now Mrs. Grey, everyone I know is soap opera rich."
- Sex.
- Weird half developed plot with ex submissive Leila. She wants to murder Ana because she can't handle Christian not being with her.
- Intercourse.
- Leila has a gun! Watch out Ana!
- Anticlimactic capture.
- Sex.
- Bliss.
- Cliffhanger disappearance!
- "You're not allowed to go out Ana."
- "But all of a sudden I'm assertive!"
- "Mrs. Grey."
- "Mr. Grey."
- "I have another erection."
- Oh my. Again I will blush. I literally can't stop. It's unreasonable.
- Exchange of unrealistic emails between the Greys. Ana's not allowed to go out with her friend, because it just isn't safe. Jack Hyde, Ana's former boss, is out there somewhere with revenge on his mind. He sabotaged Christian's helicopter, and set his business on fire! Don't go out Ana.
- Disobedience.
- Anger!
- Irony! Kidnapping murderer Jack was captured in the very place Ana was supposed to be! Thank God she disobeyed her husband.
- "Fine, I will change my last name from Steele, even though I really really don't want to, and I keep saying no. Who needs independence?"
- erection!
- "I'm furious at you, but I can have so much sex and orgasm on cue! My vagina is magic."
- Mood swings.
- "I eat with the frequency of a snake, and never feel hungry!"
- "I am the most handsome man in the world. I am an expert at everything. I never feel rundown, or have an off day!"
- Unfounded jealousy!
- "I'm going to buy you a company."
- My underpants are moist. "I'm almost 30 and I literally know nothing about sex. Not even the basics." What does he mean he wants to have sex with my breasts?
- My inner goddess says she's renting me a porn.
- "I will make us subs for dinner. Get it?"
- "Oh Christian. My fifty shades. Fifty fifty fifty. It's the title too, get it? I'll keep repeating it until you get it."
- "I'm fifty shades of fucked up."
- "Fifty shades."
- "Fifty."
- My subconscious punches herself in the face, and says it's sold on amazon. Repeat the title one more time.
- "Fifty shades. And my last name is Grey."
- Literally nothing happens.
- Intruder, weapon, duct tape... what's happening... don't go there Ana...
-"I want to beat the shit out of you."
- What does he mean?
- "Let's solve all of our issues with sex; there will be no residual anger in the morning."
- Subconscious is apparently near sighted, because I can't stop talking about her half moon tortoise shell spectacles. Literally makes no sense.
- Criminal apprehended.
- Stopped reading actual words when I realized they were banging, to when they stopped.
- "I'm a 30 year old man that can't properly channel his feelings. I am 50 Shades."
- "That's okay. I love you. This is healthy."
- "Oh Fifty Shades. Mr. Mercurial."
- "I am 50 Shades."
- Oh my.
- "50."
- "50."
- Repetition will distract from this under developed, dragging plot.
- "This amount of sex is very natural, as is constant simultaneous orgasming. I never feel fat."
- Distractions, Aspen, wealth, proposal!
- Walking on eggshells; jealousy dancing on the line of abuse.
- They literally can't stand anyone else looking at either one of them. It makes their relationship almost comical. This is until you realize the author is trying to portray an adult relationship, and is romanticizing the level of dependency they're inflicting upon each other.
- "Mr. Mercurial. Fifty. Fifty Shades, baby."
- My inner Goddess narrows her eyes and peers at me through her tortoiseshell, half moon specs. She is writing her resume up on a typewriter, to apply for unemployment insurance once everyone gets over this nonsense and realizes there's way better smut out there.
- "My groin is so tense."
- "My palm is twitchy. That means I'm thinking about beating you. Doesn't that make you feel loved? I am always enraged. I am a ticking timebomb."
- "Oh my. I'm blushing again."
- "Mrs. Grey. We literally know nothing about each other."
- Leila and Susi, two members of the "Ex Sub Club", visit Ana at work.
- My sub conscious is sort of the same as my inner Goddess, but her only purpose is to remind people she's reading a dog eared copy of Jane Eyre.
- No matter what, Christian is always so hot.
- Mean to Leila, who's a zombie.
- Sex.
- Ana's father Ray gets in an accident, that in the end literally serves to purpose. Random drunk driver.
- I am lost. And so fragile.
- Ray is bought the best doctor in the world by Christian.
- Ana's birthday! Presents! Daddy who??
- Christian's over-exaggeration of power; every single move, and small act, makes him an obscene amount of money. "Oh, I just brushed my teeth, and made one million dollars baby!"
- More weird mouth kissing.
- Distractions; more insignificant details.
- Reminding each other of their all consuming, obsessive love.
- Birthday party! Everyone's a big crybaby, especially her mom who actually only cries every time she's mentioned.
- Daddy's out of the coma, with baseball commentary! Oh Ray. Priceless.
- Current hip music reference about playing Dido.
- Banging- more talk about how long Ana's nipples are.
- Rubs his nose all over Ana's "sex". (Her vagina is referred to as her "sex" throughout every weird sex act in the trilogy. This makes me sick.)
- Every sexcapade is the best of my life. And you are an intercourse magician who makes my body have orgasms at your discretion, instantly."
- Foreshadowing- police questioning.
- Foreshadowing- always naive and confused.
- Police questioning- Jack Hyde's a liar, reversal.
- Preggo! But how?! Oh, with all that unprotected sex.
- Ana tells Christian, who behaves like an embarrassing, petulant horrible asshole.
- Christian goes out, and gets drunk with "pedo bitch troll Elena" (22 year old swear words).
- Confrontation.
- Stalemate.
- Mia ransom kidnapping from Jack Hyde! But how did he receive bail?! Oh, through... actually, too boring and unimportant to reveal, and doesn't make sense.
- More weird, too specific "sub conscious" actions; like discussing the sub conscious's "perfectly plucked eyebrows".
- Vigilante mission! Plot fizzles.
- Everything, yet nothing, happens.
- Jack apprehended! Gunshot! Sort of coma. Everything wrapped up in a tragically dull bow, with little to no consequences. Every climax, EVERY climax, has a lengthy build up, and a passing remark conclusion that doesn't really make sense.
- Ana is put into a convenient coma, where she drifts in and out of consciousness when people around her are saying important things.
- Christian never leaves her side. So much sleep talking to stress repetitive points! This provides answers to everything. Elena is old news.
- Unrealistic conclusion.
- Sort of acceptance of pregnancy.
- Christian talks; all unacceptable behavior is cool! Even when he called her stupid all those times.
- Unimaginative explanation of Jack and his accomplices.
- Weird, sort of endings that as a whole, are worse than all the books put together, and sort of ruin them even more. I think they're supposed to provide insight, but they just act as a rambly, unnecessary sequel.
- Ana's preggo again; with a daughter!
- Christian's an awesome father, and he can't wait to taste Ana's nipple milk again. Man he is so kinky!
- It all ends with one tiny chapter speaking through Christian's voice from when he was a child. The writing is embarrassing, and tries to fit in so many references that were touched on throughout the series, that it's overwhelming. I feel as though this was done so you don't feel cheated and indignant upon completion of these novels. MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED, E.L. JAMES. The only thing I felt when closing the book forever on Ana and Christian, was beside myself with CHAGRIN.
Ladies and Gents, if you've managed to read this far, I am impressed. And I thank you. Unless you think that my opinions are too extreme. Then, I will write a review about you.
I mean, please feel free to leave feedback! Tell me if you liked, or hated the book, and why!
Sarah B.
- "This amount of sex is very natural, as is constant simultaneous orgasming. I never feel fat."
- Distractions, Aspen, wealth, proposal!
- Katharine Kavanagh is marrying Christian's brother Elliot!
- Bar altercation, over reaction, drunk, judgement!- Walking on eggshells; jealousy dancing on the line of abuse.
- They literally can't stand anyone else looking at either one of them. It makes their relationship almost comical. This is until you realize the author is trying to portray an adult relationship, and is romanticizing the level of dependency they're inflicting upon each other.
- "Mr. Mercurial. Fifty. Fifty Shades, baby."
- My inner Goddess narrows her eyes and peers at me through her tortoiseshell, half moon specs. She is writing her resume up on a typewriter, to apply for unemployment insurance once everyone gets over this nonsense and realizes there's way better smut out there.
- "My groin is so tense."
- "My palm is twitchy. That means I'm thinking about beating you. Doesn't that make you feel loved? I am always enraged. I am a ticking timebomb."
- "Oh my. I'm blushing again."
- "Mrs. Grey. We literally know nothing about each other."
- Leila and Susi, two members of the "Ex Sub Club", visit Ana at work.
- My sub conscious is sort of the same as my inner Goddess, but her only purpose is to remind people she's reading a dog eared copy of Jane Eyre.
- No matter what, Christian is always so hot.
- Mean to Leila, who's a zombie.
- Sex.
- Ana's father Ray gets in an accident, that in the end literally serves to purpose. Random drunk driver.
- I am lost. And so fragile.
- Ray is bought the best doctor in the world by Christian.
- Ana's birthday! Presents! Daddy who??
- Christian's over-exaggeration of power; every single move, and small act, makes him an obscene amount of money. "Oh, I just brushed my teeth, and made one million dollars baby!"
- More weird mouth kissing.
- Distractions; more insignificant details.
- Reminding each other of their all consuming, obsessive love.
- Birthday party! Everyone's a big crybaby, especially her mom who actually only cries every time she's mentioned.
- Daddy's out of the coma, with baseball commentary! Oh Ray. Priceless.
- Current hip music reference about playing Dido.
- Banging- more talk about how long Ana's nipples are.
- Rubs his nose all over Ana's "sex". (Her vagina is referred to as her "sex" throughout every weird sex act in the trilogy. This makes me sick.)
- Every sexcapade is the best of my life. And you are an intercourse magician who makes my body have orgasms at your discretion, instantly."
- Foreshadowing- police questioning.
- Foreshadowing- always naive and confused.
- Police questioning- Jack Hyde's a liar, reversal.
- Preggo! But how?! Oh, with all that unprotected sex.
- Ana tells Christian, who behaves like an embarrassing, petulant horrible asshole.
- Christian goes out, and gets drunk with "pedo bitch troll Elena" (22 year old swear words).
- Confrontation.
- Stalemate.
- Mia ransom kidnapping from Jack Hyde! But how did he receive bail?! Oh, through... actually, too boring and unimportant to reveal, and doesn't make sense.
- More weird, too specific "sub conscious" actions; like discussing the sub conscious's "perfectly plucked eyebrows".
- Vigilante mission! Plot fizzles.
- Everything, yet nothing, happens.
- Jack apprehended! Gunshot! Sort of coma. Everything wrapped up in a tragically dull bow, with little to no consequences. Every climax, EVERY climax, has a lengthy build up, and a passing remark conclusion that doesn't really make sense.
- Ana is put into a convenient coma, where she drifts in and out of consciousness when people around her are saying important things.
- Christian never leaves her side. So much sleep talking to stress repetitive points! This provides answers to everything. Elena is old news.
- Unrealistic conclusion.
- Sort of acceptance of pregnancy.
- Christian talks; all unacceptable behavior is cool! Even when he called her stupid all those times.
- Unimaginative explanation of Jack and his accomplices.
- Weird, sort of endings that as a whole, are worse than all the books put together, and sort of ruin them even more. I think they're supposed to provide insight, but they just act as a rambly, unnecessary sequel.
- Ana's preggo again; with a daughter!
- Christian's an awesome father, and he can't wait to taste Ana's nipple milk again. Man he is so kinky!
- It all ends with one tiny chapter speaking through Christian's voice from when he was a child. The writing is embarrassing, and tries to fit in so many references that were touched on throughout the series, that it's overwhelming. I feel as though this was done so you don't feel cheated and indignant upon completion of these novels. MISSION NOT ACCOMPLISHED, E.L. JAMES. The only thing I felt when closing the book forever on Ana and Christian, was beside myself with CHAGRIN.
Ladies and Gents, if you've managed to read this far, I am impressed. And I thank you. Unless you think that my opinions are too extreme. Then, I will write a review about you.
I mean, please feel free to leave feedback! Tell me if you liked, or hated the book, and why!
Sarah B.
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