Friday, December 26, 2008

My letter to Warner Music

Dear Warner Music,

My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old aspiring carney that has emotionally crippling issues with Christmas music. Now Warner Music, I am no Grinch. Why, I love Christmas. But when I am working, and have to listen to "Christmas Now3" basically on loop for eight hours a day, I think that's enough to make anyone go a little berserk.

As for the Pussycat Dolls version of "Santa Baby"... well you're lucky. They have eternal immunity; or at least immunity until they lose their elasticity.

Naturally 7's, "No Christmas Without You" just left a bad taste in my mouth. I'm so over sappy Christmas songs.

"The Christmas Song" was an attempt by Divine Brown to wow her meager clan of fans, when she should have just been content to be fondly remembered in our hearts as a one hit wonder with "Old School Love".

As for Brian McKnight's rendition of, "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", I must sheepishly admit that I stopped listening; so that can't be a good sign.

I'll refrain from pointing out the irony of Keith Urban's, "White Christmas", because we're all proud of him for kicking his habit, plus I liked Moulin Rouge and his wife's a babe.

Colbie Caillat's, "Mistletoe" was dreary and dreadful; she is not capable of singing anything that isn't strongly reminiscent of that "toes, nose" song.

I believe I can safely say that everyone is over bubblegum teen carols, so Ashley Tisdale's prepubescent charm was lost on me.

Bryan Adams needs to calm down. He really does. No matter what he chooses to sing, he always sounds like he's doing a benefit concert about something whiny. Aside from that, the words to "Christmas Time" make me stabby. So stabby.

Joss Stone, Ron Sexsmith, and Tami Swick don't necessarily deserve to be heckled; they just didn't make me feel festive.

This, Warner Music, brings me to Jewel. Oh Jewel. You know, yodelling was kinda neat for a second when we felt sorry for you because you lived in a van, and when we heard it we all pictured you driving around sobbing with hairbrush raised to your weathered lips like a makeshift microphone, yodelling with the night air as your audience? Well, we're over it. Have been since you came out with that book of weirdo poetry. Yodelling has no place at Christmas time. Jewel, I know you miss being a "B" list celebrity, but my "Winter Wonderland" is one that's void of your crackily comatose voice.

KT Tunstall. I wish I could criticize past singing debackles, however I literally have no idea who you are. This being said, while trying to make it through "Sleigh Ride", you sound like you're falling asleep with a mouthful of roast beef. In addition, just so you know, it's not "hip" to sound indifferent, because in the end you're still singing a Christmas carol.

Serena Ryder. I liked your song. I know. I listened to it 37 times because I was desperate to find something I could mock, but "Calling To Say" is actually a very charming song.


Dennis De Young. Sweet sassy molassy. Are you serious? Your song, "When I Hear a Christmas Song" makes me feel so unbelievably hopeless. If I could formulate the feeling your holiday diddy evokes in my soul, I would say it can be compared to watching a movie where the main character's best friend ends up dying from some tragic and obscure illness, and as soon as they die someone bursts into the room who realizes that a cure has existed all along. Then, the main character gets word that his family has just gotten into an abhorrent and unnecessary car accident. And then you realize that it's not a movie, Warner Music; it's your real life. This song makes me feel like it's not worth waking up in the morning. I think Mr. De Young should be strongly reprimanded, and an appointment with a career councillor should be made mandatory so that he can immediately choose a different direction with his life. Perhaps mortician, so you fit in with all your "customers".

Chad Michael Stewart. You've really outdone yourself with this one. I am literally astonished that you could make a Christmas carol sound like a suicide note. There is such dispair in your voice that I feel like your tears were almost being emitted through the shoddily constructed cd player that dwells at my place of work. Then, when you don't think the barely audible swan song that you made "Silent Night" into could get any worse, you crescendoed into a boredom induced stroke to finish it off. If you hate Christmas so much, why don't you just convert to Judaism? Christmas can just pass right on by, like a fleeting case of food poisoning, and you'll never have to think about it again. Consider it?

Hawksley Workman. You were always pretty bad ass. "Smoke Baby" was a solid song, and "No Reason to Cry Out Your Eyes" was great. I'm just curious though: in "Merry Christmas (I Love You)", were you drinking during the song, or did you just get hammered before?

Last, but certainly not least, I come to Red Hot Chili Peppers, with "Deck The Halls". I don't get it. And it's scary. I really am at a loss, it's such a ridiculous song.

Warner Music, I'm sure by now we both see eye to eye on your Christmas CD fiasco. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in demanding retribution. Although I didn't personally purchase this CD, I feel like I've been robbed of a lot more than money. My sanity, and patience. I demand $20 for having to put up with this Yuletide malarky, and a written apology from you, and every single artist on this CD. Minus Serena Ryder. I thank you for your time, and look forward to an immediate response, and subsequent presents.

Sarah Bertrand

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