Dear U2, more specifically, Bono,
My name is Sarah Bertrand, and I am a 25 year old gal that has a Christmas wish this year I hope you can assist me with. Please don't ever sing Christmas songs. Ever. Seriously. I work at a mall, where your song, "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" is basically played on loop all day long, and as soon as I hear the first few chords of the song, and then your sweet soft melacholy voice chimes in, my heart is overcome with emotion. Not the kind of emotion it feels good to experience, but kind of emotion that leaves you feeling like your mind has been ravaged by an energy vampire, and you feel mentally exhausted. You're teary eyed, not because the song struck a positive chord; but because it literally made you feel like your heart is heavy with the burden of just hearing your entire family has been killed in a horrific car crash, and you still have to open up all their Christmas presents.
So, in the spirit of Christmas, maybe you should just lay low. Relax, have some eggnog, not sing Christmas songs. Not even hum them.
I hope this letter is received with all of the urgency and hostility of a bitter mall worker who has given up on her future, and just wants to be left alone in her silent rage, cleaning up after puppies and not listening to music that makes me reflect about war, famine, Ireland, and tinted unnecessary glasses. Merry Christmas!
Sincerely,
Sarah Bertrand
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